My brother was 16 when our parents asked him to get engaged to our paternal and maternal cousin.He said NO but there was a huge drama created by grandma, uncles and aunts as i was saying NO to get married to a cousin at the same time. After much fuss and dramas they forced me to marry to the cousin(just nikkah) and then they started with my brother again.
At the end he said ok and we left for our country.
As I never wanted to live with my cousin I kept saying NO and at the end received divorce papers after many years and meanwhile my brother also told our parents that he wasnt interested in the engagement. My parents didnt tell their relatives and when my brother went to Pakistan a few years back he was again pushed to tell what he wanted to do. Since I was getting married after a month he didnt want to ruin that and just said that he is fine with itto aviod any trouble.
Now 6 years have passed of the engagement and our uncle is pushing mum to marry him off to his daughter. He doesnt really want to and keep coming with excuses that he needs to finish education etc.
He just told me on MSN that he really doesnt wanna marry her but will only do so cuz of parents.
I wish the best for him and just dont know how to help him out. Cuz of my divorce with cousin, my mum kind of lost most of her siblings and now she might loose her brother if my brother’s engagement is broken. She is already depressed and lonely and I feel so sad for her and wish things could be different and when I think of what might happen I feel so scared…
I am just so confused..what can I do for my brother?and still not hurt my mother?
I feel bad that mum lost her relatives cuz of me and now she might loose her brother cuz of my brother breaking the engagement. But the circumstances were just not right and I really want my parents to realize that. On the other hand I am still so mentally tired after having fought my own battle of pushing away all the family pressure to marry my cousin. I am still exhausted and just cant take more family dramas…
Oh man that is just such a tough situation to be in. I know, i’ve been there. My dad and stepmother are cousins and I was forcibly married to my stepmother’s nephew. Things just did not go well between us, and in the end we got divorced. Yes, the family was torn apart and I dont think peace will ever be made, but you know what? This is a selfish world anyways, and you have to do whats best for you. Im not saying that he should make his mother unhappy, but given the fact that he’s not into this rel’p anyway, I think she would suffer more and be more depressed seeing her son in such a predicament for the rest of his life.. more so than cutting off ties with her siblings… if they’re gonna cut her off for such a thing, then they really dont have much regard for her anyway. Please try to put a stop to it… for his sake and for the sake of your entire family’s happiness. There’s still a chance of your mom staying on good terms with her brother by finding the right excuse, rather than later.. if God forbid things really dont work out and their daughter is miserable. Just think about it.
I agree with you on that one. but its not easy for my mum who has worked hard all her life so that her family in Pakistan could get a better life standard. Suddenly she is alone and depressed...
and the only way I can talk to her is on phone as I dont live nearby
If your mother worked hard to make their life comfortable, then she already has done more than her fair share for them... she doesnt need to make any more sacrifices, especially the happiness and future of her son? Its not worth it... how much does she need to do to satisfy them? Its like she's expected to "buy" their love in a way.
I was thinking to tell my mum to tell her brother that sorry our son wants to finish his education and will not be ready in the next 3 years. Considering that uncle wants her married asap he migt not wait and he has earlier said to mum that u r not taking this serious he might just break the engagement so that my brother doesnt have to go thorugh lots of drama if he says NO explicitly cuz my mum wont understand that …
I feel sorry for the girl…she has been engaged for 6 years and it might just end…I hope she will have a suitable match amen…
Did she really lose them because of you? Or because of her own persistence?
Is it fair to the girl for your brother to marry her when he doesn't want to? Do you think his heart is open enough to love her eventually?
He might be open enough to maybe love her if he gets things his way now meaning that he can finish his studies, work and then get married, but its not fair for the girl as I see it. She 24 now and if she has to wait 3-4 more years its just not fair
If your mother worked hard to make their life comfortable, then she already has done more than her fair share for them... she doesnt need to make any more sacrifices, especially the happiness and future of her son? Its not worth it... how much does she need to do to satisfy them? Its like she's expected to "buy" their love in a way.
yeah but thats not how she sees it. And her perception of the situation is kind of important as she has become very depressed....
My other sisters are married in the family and my parents have just faced problems with them. I just hope they can realize that this case isnt different either.
One thing i dont understand is how people even want to keep rishtas with such people (that will blackmail them etc). when i was a kid, stupid neighborhood girl/cousins would pull that crap wiht me "if u dont do this, i wont be ur friend." luckily ive grown out of that. its sad that desi adults are on the same level as kids...
This desi marriage and family politics is just so scary. In desi families i have seen that they don't talk openly about marriage thingy. Parents decide and than children have to sacrifice their life for it.
I think if u'r brother haven't found any one else yet than give that girl a chance. See if she is educated enough and can learn with time. She might end up being a nice wife. Off course its gona be tough for that girl too, if he'll just brake up. But still if he thinks that it won't work out, than he should have enough courage to say 'no' directly to u'r uncle. So that u'r mom won't have to do that hard job.
May Allah help us all. InshaAllah every thing will be ok.
This desi marriage and family politics is just so scary. In desi families i have seen that they don't talk openly about marriage thingy. Parents decide and than children have to sacrifice their life for it.
I think if u'r brother haven't found any one else yet than give that girl a chance. See if she is educated enough and can learn with time. She might end up being a nice wife. Off course its gona be tough for that girl too, if he'll just brake up. But still if he thinks that it won't work out, than he should have enough courage to say 'no' directly to u'r uncle. So that u'r mom won't have to do that hard job.
May Allah help us all. InshaAllah every thing will be ok.
good advice...I was gonna say the same thing. Especially the last part.
It better for everyone that he backs off now then marrying that girl and end up in one of those unhappy marriages or get divorce. Least your uncle would hate you guys but that would save the future of both your bro and your cousin. Your bro should clearly speak to both your parents and uncle. H e should tell them he doesn't want to ruin your cousin's life by not being sincere with her.
This desi marriage and family politics is just so scary. In desi families i have seen that they don't talk openly about marriage thingy. Parents decide and than children have to sacrifice their life for it.
I think if u'r brother haven't found any one else yet than give that girl a chance. See if she is educated enough and can learn with time. She might end up being a nice wife. Off course its gona be tough for that girl too, if he'll just brake up. But still if he thinks that it won't work out, than he should have enough courage to say 'no' directly to u'r uncle. So that u'r mom won't have to do that hard job.
May Allah help us all. InshaAllah every thing will be ok.
I completely agree with you, but how to tell my parents. They will just freak out. totally. I just cant imagine the whole drama that will be created....
My heart hurts when I think of the dissappointment my mother has faced. She married her daughters to her sisters' sons and not much good came out of it and now she has kind of lost all her siblings beside this brother of her whose daughter is engaged to my brother. I guess she fears that she will loose her brother as well.
I know that its false ground to build and keep relations on but what can I do about her perception and views. I dont think that I or any of my siblings can change those views.
I just have a clue on what I can do in this situation. I am not in touch with anyone in Pakistan after that divorce cuz they have cut ties with me and I dont wanna create problems for my sisters married in family.
I feel so frustrated and alone. I dont even live in the same country as my parents and brother so i cant sit and talk with them and their lack of communication with each other leads to so many issues....
I just dont know what to do. It will just collapse
…for the life of me i dont know why parents do this.
Has harsh and cold has this may sound, i have no sympathy for ya mother, i mean c’mon what the heck were they thinking (or lack of it) in trying to get thier son engaged at 16. Why burden a yound kid with such responsibility at that age.
You too who have played ya part in this mess, by lying to your cousin that your brother accepts (all the time knowing that his heart wasn’t in it) you and your mom should have been honest to all parties and not stringing them along.
The fact of the matter is your parents were acting selfish and just thinking of themselves, i can go on, but i won’t. You reap what you sow in this life, they created this mess, now they can deal with it. Its un-fortunate your brother is the victim here.
I completely agree with you, but how to tell my parents. They will just freak out. totally. I just cant imagine the whole drama that will be created....
My heart hurts when I think of the dissappointment my mother has faced. She married her daughters to her sisters' sons and not much good came out of it and now she has kind of lost all her siblings beside this brother of her whose daughter is engaged to my brother. I guess she fears that she will loose her brother as well.
I know that its false ground to build and keep relations on but what can I do about her perception and views. I dont think that I or any of my siblings can change those views.
I just have a clue on what I can do in this situation. I am not in touch with anyone in Pakistan after that divorce cuz they have cut ties with me and I dont wanna create problems for my sisters married in family.
I feel so frustrated and alone. I dont even live in the same country as my parents and brother so i cant sit and talk with them and their lack of communication with each other leads to so many issues....
I just dont know what to do. It will just collapse
Please make dua for my family.
Sister this is not problem of your mother or father and not even u'r siblings in Pakistan. Its ONLY ONLY and ONLY responsibility and problem of the person who is getting married. If they don't have enough spine to stand up for them selves and they keep hiding behind their parents, than these sort of things happen.
Sorry but its a hard reality. We better face it now, before our coming generation say the same thing about us.
I completely agree with you. Before we were married, my husband was “engaged” to his cousin. He did absolutely nothing to encourage this engagement and told everyone who would listen that he was not going to marry her. His parents and grandparents refused to break it off, and when he was old enough and told his uncle that he couldn’t marry her, his uncle said that he couldn’t go back on his parents’ decision. Well, he could and he did. While I feel sorry for his cousin, there is no one to blame but the supposedly “wise” elders in this situation.
I don’t feel sorry for your mother, she brought this on her own head, and she should feel obligated to do the right thing to protect her son. Why on earth people worry more about their brothers and sisters than they do their own children is beyond me.
I would expect that even if your brother tells your uncle no, he isn’t going to accept that answer. It will have to come from your parents.
IT is not the place of the parents to 'decide' who their kids marry.... you all need to grow up and speak ur mind.. with all the respect needed there... i think kids that growup abroad.. are brain washed by manipulative parents that it is some kind of a sin to marry ur own choice.. and they will not be forgiven if they married their choice.. its nothing but part of the sick culture..
Every marriable ' baligh' person.. has the right relegiously to choose who they want to marry..
this crap needs to end.. and believe me.. u are not doing ur mom a favour.. u r putting her in a bigger misery by being miserable urself.
explain to them calmly ,,this is not what you wish to do.. and grow up for once.
I’ll get back to this in a while.
Why burden a yound kid with such responsibility at that age.