Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

Lifestyle Relationships
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I’m going to be married in a month, but I’m having serious problems deciding what I want to do after. I am still in school [uni first year] and will still have 4 years left to complete my Nursing degree.

I want to be a housewife because I want to be there for my kids and raise them properly. I want to give them attention, feed them healthy [as opposed to buying food from outside because I’m to busy with work], and be there for my husband as well he’s the type who wants attention]. The thing is though, I don’t like the dependancy that comes with being a housewife. I like to spend my money how I want it and when I want it. I remember when I didn’t used to work and had to ask my parent’s for money, I had to control so much of my expenses. It also feels bad asking them for money now, and I would feel uncomfortable asking my husband to pay for everything.

I want to work for the independence. I don’t want to feel like a dead weight, I want my own money so I can pay for my travels and everything. Plus if I’m working hard for a degree, I want it to be useful. It’s just that Nursing has crazy hours.

What should I do? I know if I don’t get into the nursing field straight after graduating, then it’s going to be really difficult getting a position in it later on.

I talked to my future husband about this and he said that working is okay, but family should be your priority. He said that he doesn’t want it to end up being like we never see each other, or very rarely, because we are both always working.
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What should I do? His profession is more than enough to support me, but I don’t want to be dependent, and at the same time I want to be a SAHM.**

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

And I would also like to mention that I really like coming home and seeing my mom there. Spending my time with, interacting with her. It would feel so weird coming home from school and being alone.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

aaah my favourite topic :smiley: (likewise for many others on this forum.. I think I thrive on these kinda posts)

Few upfront clarifications:

  1. Just because women work, doesn’t mean their kids don’t get time. They do.
  2. Family (kids and hubby) will always be a priority, doesn’t matter if you’re working. Most “good” employers know that, and know that family will always come first.
  3. Just because you work, doesn’t mean you’re eating unhealthy and having take out ALL the time.
  4. Just because you work, doesn’t mean you will “own” all that money. It’s a marriage, you share it :k:

I have been working full-time for about 5 odd years out of about 8.5 years of marriage. I worked part-time for a year and a bit, and two years maternity leave (my maths is bad) and the rest of the time, full-time work.

My kids, Mashallah, are both exceptionally happy kids. But, i think that’s more their personality than me doing anything spectacular. Hence, it was easy for me to put them in childcare and then have the elder transition to school (younger one is still in childcare). Both of them are bubbly personalities and very independant. Loved and adored at childcare… so I haven’t felt toooooo bad about leaving them.

Food wise, I cook on Sunday’s for the whole week and store the food in the freezer. We do take out maybe once a week or go out on Friday’s for a change. Like you, I didnt want to get my kids into unhealthy eating habits, sure we slack off here and there, but they are primarily home-fed.. lol

I can understand your husband’s point about not being able to see each other too much, if you have odd hours of work, but in our situation, we tend to have similar work timings, so me working or not working, wont make a difference in how much time I get to spend with him (if that makes sense). Sure, our lives are very chaotic and hectic, but it’s organised chaos and hey, it works :smiley:

I am always going to be pro-work. Because, that’s me. I was going insane at home, and it wasn’t doing any good to the kids or the hubby. Working helps me keep sane. It keeps me on my toes, keeps me balanced. At it makes me happy. When things are going bad elsewhere (personal life), I can balance it out by doing well at work. But that’s me. Plus, I have an exceptionally supportive husband. He wants me to do well, and be happy. But, we both know, that our kids are THE number one priority. No matter what, they come first. And this is what keeps us in check.

You shouldn’t need to decide anything now. You’re not even married. You haven’t even experienced work. Why not wait and see? Why not see whether you can balance work and home? Why not see what happens after having kids? See how your kids are doing? If it’s not working for them, then change your tactics… These things dont need to be pre-planned. Go with the flow.

And, what works for one person, doesn’t necessarily have to work for you.

p.s. That money concern, hmmm maybe you need to think about that differently. I know from experience, that just because you work, doesn’t mean you are not dependant on “his” money. The money should be “our” money, not “his” or “mine”

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

I grew up with a working mother... It used to make me happy to see her doing something for herself, just herself and not just serving the rest of the family. She did that when she got home anyways, and on weekends :) She had every right to be doing something for herself, while we were at school and work :)

In terms of my kids, they are too young to be home alone... so I guess they haven't experienced that yet. But, I often hear my daughter saying how she reckons I am the best as I do "EVERYTHING". And that, makes me very very happy and content. But again, that's me.

Working mothers give their kids just as much love and affection and time as SAHMs would. I have done both, and I know :)

p.s plus, that time before she got back from work, gave the siblings and me time to organise the house and ourselves before she got home. And, it taught us to help around the house more.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

Nursing allows you to have flexible shifts, take a lot of time off, and return back to work, very mommy friendly.

Why the heck would you be worried. Those of us with jobs that are more time consuming, and less flexible have a harder time.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

Work part time up until the kids are in full time education.

Also yes, why are you worried now? I don't want to cause more stress to you but just know that pregnancy doesn't come when you want it - it comes on Allah's Will. You might not get pregnant for a while and will be working anyway. In that time you could save your money for later on. You just never know. Take things easy and go with the flow - it's stressful to try and control things at this early stage.

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Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

Op your so young and not even married. Take it one step at a time, don't hold to many expectations and stay flexible in nature. You will figure it out as things begin to roll out for you. The way my life is with my hubby is a little unpredictable because of his family and some other factors. It took 3 years to figure out which direction we want to go in and only now we are realizing what it is that we want/don't want in our life. Nothing is consistent and your in that developing phase with school and an up coming marriage. Just breathe and exactly what Sadzz said. Opportunities will come naturally that you will need to reassess something you may have decided on a couple of days earlier. Just saying, relax and just enjoy the moments. The things your asking advice on are a great start but you'll figure some specifics out when that time comes..

Ps. Sadzz I love that "organized chaos."

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Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

Im assuming your're quite young my advice to you is dont give up on your career. I went from working full time to not having a job for 7 months after I got married and it drove me mad. I didnt find anything prior to moving and like you I enjoyed my own independence and having my own money even though hubby earns well mashallah. Dont get too hung up on about kids and home life as of yet. Cross that bridge when you get to it. My mum was a working mum and raised all 7 of us alhumdulillah and i intend to work its good to have a balance and you deffo need some 'adult' time away from kids and be around a work environment. Its also a hubbys responsibility to help out. I personally think if your are gojng to put urself through school and not even want to work or something then itl just seem a waste

Study or get a job get some experience behind you and worry about the house wife sito when you get to it.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

I want to go :smack: until I remember that when I was in college, I just wanted to be a housewife too. But the thing is…things change. Why resign yourself to just one thing at such a young age wth little to no life experience?

You could finish school, end up working as a nurse and realize that you don’t like it and want to change careers. Or stay at home. Or that you LOVE it, realize that you CAN balance both work and home life and flourish in any career. Nothing wrong in any of those things as long as it’s what works for you and your family. But you won’t know unless you actually do it…going back to my original point, why resign yourself to just one thing? Why not be flexible and take things as they come?

I’m not going to argue the virtues of being a SAHM vs working mother, that’s a personal choice that every family has the right to make, but…stop thinking that SAHM = automatically better mother than working. and I’ll go as far as to say that once you have kids you may realize your preference will change.

Also, SAHM and housewife are very very very different things. As a SAHM your priority is your kids/family.
Housewife = not working, and no kids. Barring exceptional circumstances, taking care of a home when it’s just you and husband does not take all day long and really isn’t difficult.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

Unless you have an understanding with your husband-to-be that you will finish your education and start establishing a career before children, why get married so early?

When you have an established career, it's not as difficult to take a break while your children are young and then gradually get back into it.

If you have children whilst studying or in the early stages of finally being employed and making something of that education, the dilemma is much bigger. Unfortunately, it is rare in our culture that girls who get married whilst still studying actually finish their education and work afterward. In the rare cases where it does happen, they have incredibly supportive family, including in-laws who are prepared to help out with things like child care.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

Let me summarize the post for those who do not have much time to go through it:

:@:

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

Why the rush to have kids? Finish your schooling and take a year or two to work, then take some time off. You're right in that nursing has crazy hours, with shift work, but you're also in a career that is in demand so you can always go back to work if that's what you decide. I work in a manufacturing plant and technicians here work 12 hour shifts, rotating between days and nights, and make it work with their families, so it's definitely doable. The tough part may be time lost with your husband, depending on your shift schedule, but that's in the future. Finishing your schooling should be a no-brainer.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

i suggest you finish your degree and then worry about whether you're going to work or not...that way you will have your options open either way. like someone else mentioned...nursing is very flexible field...different shifts/part time and there's always a need for nurses so you wont have trouble finding a job that fits your schedule if you do decide to work. once you complete your degree, then then decide whether you want to stay home or go out for a bit to work.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

or you could switch to being physican assistant or something. Job with predictable/workable hours. :D

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

You should definitely finish your education and work for sometime. There are a couple of things going your way. Like PCG pointed out, nursing is a good field to be in. Lots of flexibility, opportunities and good pay.

Then this:

[QUOTE]
I talked to my future husband about this and he said that working is okay, but family should be your priority. He said that he doesn't want it to end up being like we never see each other, or very rarely, because we are both always working.
[/QUOTE]

Translation: Sure you can work, but I am not going to help you with kids or other household chores. Those are still your responsibility.

You might want to clear that up so you both know where things are. The GS sisterhood can give advise you on how to go about 'training' him for it.

A lot of it depends on you too. Are you organized and smart enough to manage both? Are you ok with someone else raising ( at least partially ) the kids? Are you ok with dealing with in-laws if they are the ones helping you raise them? Be realistic about all the advice you get in this forum. Including mine. Some are better at managing work vs home and some are not. Some are blessed with supporting husbands most are not. So if sadzz did it doesnt mean nadzz can too.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

I'm a bit of a worry wart. I just start thinking about these things, get worried about them for awhile, and later I'm fine again.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

Haha thanks ! That really helped me out, and I'm glad I've got the GS sisterhood to teach me black magic.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

Thanks Sadzzz ! I just thought I wouldn't be able to handle both working and kids. I'd feel as if I will be tooo overwhelmed with that much responsibility and would have to compromise one of the two. But like someone else mentioned, you won't know until you try and I think I want to give working and raising kids a try. I spent a gap year at home and I remember how insanely bored I became.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

Many men aren't capable of handling working women.

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Re: Conflicted: Housewife or Working Woman

[QUOTE]
The GS sisterhood can give advise you on how to go about 'training' him for it.
[/QUOTE]

I hope they know which pedigree he belongs to, before prescribing a training program.