Living with in laws isn’t the easiest as we know. We are currently doing that because of our financial situation.
My in laws are very conservative and have very fixed views about how you are supposed to live and sometimes this makes it difficult eg my husband and I would like to socialise with some other couples but the in laws think that there should be gender segregation. To us this is absurd because we are both professionals who work and as a result socialise with the opposite sex. We have our own friends of the same sex but we would also like to do some socialising together. Sometimes I feel like we should just do what we want regardless of how they feel but other times I do feel sad thinking they probably judge me and think I am a bad immodest person.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
I guess living with inlaws you follow their rules. Follow your rules when you live in your own house.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
Agree with LP.
I would respect the rules that the in laws follow while I am there if I have contradicting beliefs.
Find some other venue to socialize if you have to.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
Agree with LP. I would respect the rules that the in laws follow while I am there if I have contradicting beliefs.
Find some other venue to socialize if you have to.
yeah we can do that, that's not an issue. But do we hide the fact that we are socialising with other couples outside or do it and just accept that they will judge us for it?
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
yeah we can do that, that's not an issue. But do we hide the fact that we are socialising with other couples outside or do it and just accept that they will judge us for it?
why is there even a need to discuss with them what your social gathering is like?
at the end of the day it's a personal decision for you......if you feel strongly enough that what you are doing is okay by your standards then you should have no difficulty in telling them (it helps that you are being truthful this way too) but if you are not able to handle the feeling of being "judged" then perhaps being a bit more discreet will work better.
I would try to avoid the subject but if they insist on pressing me then I would not lie.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
Yeah you are right. We made a mistake by even mentioning it I think. We were concerned they might find out through other people and be upset. I thought they would be able to accept a logical argument for why we feel it's acceptable but I was wrong. I guess we will just proceed discretely.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
Sometimes when an extended family live together it creates more dispute & disunity amongst them.
Whilst many parents believe that keeping their married children living together is a show of unity, in most cases it is the cause of huge divisions, sadness & depression.
Being physically in one place does not mean that the family is united or that everything is rosey.
Married children who live separately from their parents or further away are mostly much happier, more appreciated, loved & missed than when they lived together.
Even their marriages are sometimes more likely to work & their children can be raised better.
Never make the mistake of believing that living together with the rest of the family after marriage unites you. In fact, after a point, it does just the opposite.
Rather have a united family full of love & affection who live separately than have a totally disintegrated family that live together, yet their hearts are separated & each one cannot bear the other.
(Mufti Menk)
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
So true Hareem. We are lucky we don't have major issues but I think things would be much easier if we lived separately. It's important to have your own space. We are just trying to sort out finances so we can get our own place
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
We are just trying to sort out finances so we can get our own place
That's good. Meanwhile do not volunteer information about what you/husband are doing when you go out on your own. You already know your in-laws personality and their likes/dislikes. Don't fuel the flame by volunteering information.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
yeah we can do that, that's not an issue. But do we hide the fact that we are socialising with other couples outside or do it and just accept that they will judge us for it?
you are grown adults, that's why you are married, correct? if you are a child, scolding, teaching and rules are in place because you do not know any better and need that guidance. but if you are married, you are past all of that.
Respecting your in laws is one thing, having them run your life is completely different. for example, out of respect for them, you probably don't yell at them, or have a makeout session with your husband because that is not our culture and something that is done in private, they do not need to know about it. if you go out with a friend (let's say for argument's sake it is a girl) and she shares some secrets with you, and maybe you do too, does that mean when you go home and tell your in laws your private discussions? I bet no, because that is something that need not be discussed unneccesarily.
there is no need for your in laws to know every single thing that is going on with your life. just because you do something they don't approve of, does not mean you are being disrespectful
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
While they might be right in their thinking (and perhaps many will agree to their thinking), apply “need to know” judgement. They do not need to know every single detail of couple’s life. Your husband is on board and that’s enough. With being little tactful and polite, you are handling/will handle this without any issue.
To be honest, your post is a breath of fresh air in Life1 forum. High-5s for being considerate of your In-laws liking/disliking. You could have handled/painted it whole other way and made a big issue out of it 
PS: yeah girls, cmon stone me to death for my rant 
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
yeah we can do that, that's not an issue. But do we hide the fact that we are socialising with other couples outside or do it and just accept that they will judge us for it?
But the hiding is working so far, right? If it's not hindering your ability to meet up with other couples outside of the house then why worry about it? And segregated socializing in the home is not the worst thing in the world. In my home, when there's a large scale dawat....the women are in one living room and the men are in another. If it's just one couple that's visiting, my mom and the aunti will be in a separate area of the home. Occasionally there is inter-mingling....but that is usually with family friends that we go way back with. My mom has no issues interacting with the opposite gender, but the separation gives the women more privacy and freedom with their own discussions. I personally feel more comfortable that way as it's what I'm used to. It's really not such a huge deal or even the end of the world. In the professional sphere, the dynamics are much different as the intermingling is required. Outside it, I don't think it's all that necessary that it be treated as a "must have" thing.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
But the hiding is working so far, right? If it's not hindering your ability to meet up with other couples outside of the house then why worry about it. And segregated socializing in the home is not such a bad idea. In my home, when there's a large scale dawat....the women are in one living room and the men are in another. If it's just one couple that's visiting, my mom and the aunti will be in a separate area of the home. Occasionally there is inter-mingling....but that is usually with family friends that we go way back with. My mom has no issues interacting with the opposite gender, but the separation gives the women more privacy and freedom with their own discussions. I personally feel more comfortable that way as it's what I'm used to. It's really not such a huge deal or even the end of the world.
So far we have done limited socialising as a couple so there has been nothing to hide. We do it occasionally with my cousin and her husband and enjoy it.
Fair enough some people like segregation but that's not the point here. I have my own female friends and he has his own male friends and we hang out separately with them. What we want to have some friends in common so we can socialise together occasionally as well. We don't see why this segregation rule should stop us from doing that, particularly as we interact with the opposite sex every day it just seems bizarre to us.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
So far we have done limited socialising as a couple so there has been nothing to hide. We do it occasionally with my cousin and her husband and enjoy it.
Fair enough some people like segregation but that's not the point here. I have my own female friends and he has his own male friends and we hang out separately with them. What we want to have some friends in common so we can socialise together occasionally as well. We don't see why this segregation rule should stop us from doing that, particularly as we interact with the opposite sex every day it just seems bizarre to us.
To be honest, we never actually plan a segregated get-together on purpose but whenever we are meeting some family friends (lets say 3-4 families) at home or restaurants, after slaam dua and haal-ehwal, groups segregates automatically (in different rooms at home or at different table corners at restaurant etc) as topics b/w women and guys and kids normally do not overlap greatly. Its just natural.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
To be honest, we never actually plan a segregated get-together on purpose but whenever we are meeting some family friends (lets say 3-4 families) at home or restaurants, after slaam dua and haal-ehwal, groups segregates automatically (in different rooms at home or at different table corners at restaurant etc) as topics b/w women and guys and kids normally do not overlap greatly. Its just natural.
It does happen naturally....there isn't a concerted effort to separate the men from the women. They just end up in different areas of the house. And there's nothing wrong with that.....most of the time.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
To be honest, we never actually plan a segregated get-together on purpose but whenever we are meeting some family friends (lets say 3-4 families) at home or restaurants, after slaam dua and haal-ehwal, groups segregates automatically (in different rooms at home or at different table corners at restaurant etc) as topics b/w women and guys and kids normally do not overlap greatly. Its just natural.
Yeah but there's a difference when there is a strict rule imposed in the household...:/
Also, desi friends would understand but what about the non-desi friends? They would be completely weirded out by the inlaws' strict segregation law.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
So far we have done limited socialising as a couple so there has been nothing to hide. We do it occasionally with my cousin and her husband and enjoy it.
Fair enough some people like segregation but that's not the point here. I have my own female friends and he has his own male friends and we hang out separately with them. What we want to have some friends in common so we can socialise together occasionally as well. We don't see why this segregation rule should stop us from doing that, particularly as we interact with the opposite sex every day it just seems bizarre to us.
If you guys have common friends of the opposite gender ...and you meet them outside of the home...then you guys are still managing to get your "non-segregated" fix. If these friends are desi, it shouldn't be hard for them to understand that in-laws prefer segregation in the home. You guys are still managing to get a thorough interaction outside the home. If they come to your home, they'd still appreciate the hospitality.
My dad has some friends who are coworkers and my mom is friends with their wives...and they know each other from before I was even born...so they go waaaay back. So these are all mutual friends of my parents. But even though my mom doesn't feel uneasy interacting with the uncles.....she still doesn't feel a pressing desire ...to "also" socialize simultaneously with the uncles cuz she's closet to their wives and they do their own thing.
The other day I attendee a dawat held at restaurant. I was at a table with a friend whom I've known for years. I grew up with her husband...we went to the same junior high school uni. Heck we know each other from elementary school days and I have rapport with him. Even though I have known him longer than his wife, I didn't feel the need to socialize with him simultaneously as well. It wasn't a big deal. Besides there was segregation at the restaurant as well. Again, I just don't see it as a big deal.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
Yeah but there's a difference when there is a strict rule imposed in the household...:/
Also, desi friends would understand but what about the non-desi friends? They would be completely weirded out by the inlaws' strict segregation law.
Most of the time non-desi friends want to socialize somewhere outside anyway and ones who are keen to get invited and invite people at home have enough understanding of culture.
plus its a stopgap measure. hopefully OP and her hubby will get out of the financial situation they are in and will be able to effort their own place then they can live however they want to.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
If they are conservative even if you get your own place and plan your own mixed gender parties and invite them it will hurt their feelings. You cannot change their mindset but you can be respectful of their way of life. They have the right to live their lives as they please as you do to.
You can avoid any confrontation if you know their likes and dislikes and behave accordingly in their presence.
Unfortunately you cannot cutoff them from your life.
Re: Conflicted: desire to please vs living your own life
I agree with the posters who had said earlier that segregation just naturally and automatically take place without the host intending for it. I don't understand why it should be seen as bizarre. Desi culture is overall a conservative one, so one's Desi friends should not find it strange if segregation takes place at dawats or if one has to tell their friends that in-laws prefer it this way. For a non-Desi and non-Muslim it would be bizarre, but it shouldn't be for those of your own culture. Also, to a Muslim it shouldn't be bizarre. Yes, I know that the workplace requires interacting with coworkers and clients of the opposite gender; that's a different thing altogether as it's something that is necessary. I also know that we don't follow every Islamic rule and I'm not claiming that I do so. However, it's common knowledge that we are to lower our gaze and that "unnecessary" mingling of opposite genders is not encouraged by Islam...so it's not a bizarre or unheard of concept amongst Muslims outside of the workplace.
When you get your own place, then live however you want to. But as long as you're living with your in-laws,this is not the worst thing in the world to abide by.....especially when you consider the horror stories Life 1 has seen of in-laws that infringe upon the most basic privacy and one's earnings and meddle in every indoor and outdoor activity. Could be that your in-laws' prefer segregation because they're trying to practice an Islamic admonishment and that it's not something they're doing for the heck of it; just a guess. If overall, life is pretty decent with your in-laws; then let this one go. Not worth stressing over. It's a non-issue.