Compromises..

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Compromises..

I do get so many proposals who put condition that I continue working after marriage so that I can support him. I can't stand such guys. Of course, I would love to be left on my own in deciding if I want to work or not. But marrying on such a condition that I will continue work after marriage is not accpetable to me. This means I am marrying a jerk who is unable to fulfil his responsibilities after marriage. Also, I have been working for the past 11 years because of my father's demise, I am kinda exhausted and am really open to the idea of being a house wife and can consider flexible working with no responsibilities of managing house expenses on me. I can consider taking up some work which I really like since all these previous years I had to work because it was my responsibility with no time left for myself. Now that my brother and sister are settled in their lives, I can relax. So your preferences really depend on your situation which you have been through.

And living with in-laws, I did mention that my thinking and views might change once I start living with them. Till then, I think it is workable.

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Re: Compromises..

stoppit

My current proposal has also said that he would much prefer if i work after marriage to support a good lifestyle after marriage. I do not mind this though as i do want to work but would like to have the choice of not working!

I think times are changing a little?

with the cost of living on the increase maybe.

43

Re: Compromises..

The choice should definitely be there. I want to be there for my children when they are young and growing rather than left them to be with baby sitters. The guy should be able to financially support the family when the wife is taking a break to raise kids. There is some reason for Allah giving full responsibility of family to the husband. Why shouldn't the husbands let the wives do what they want or don't want to do? They both can have discussion and consensus and then decide what is best for their family. If God forbids my husband loses a job, I would definitely be willing to work full time to support him even though I would not have married him on the condition of financially supporting him.

The conclusion: there should be flexibility in both the husband and wife's thinking and views and they should do whatever is the best for the family at that time.

44

Re: Compromises..

I was going to say something along the same lines before you wrote this but I had to go do stuff.

To be honest, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Times are changing in that we demand a lot more than our parents generation. We want new stuff, nice cars, to go out all the time, all this costs money. Even on a comfortable salary (such a Dr.) one salary is not enough if you want a nice house, nice car, designer clothes and a holiday every year AND to save for the future and kids. As long as the wife can stop working when she wants to i.e. when she has children if she wants to be a full time mum, I think it's fair. Highly educated guys earning a lot of money? They aren't that common.

So take another example, which is what actually came to my mind when Deeba posted. Let's say there is a guy who seems decent enough, is educated but he is not earning a great deal, at least not at the moment. He can't quite offer you the lifestyle you want but you are prepared to work at least for a few years so that you can accommodate that and afford the things you want. However, he doesn't want you to work, period. Would you compromise?

45

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What is it that makes a guy worth it if he puts forth some or all of these conditions? esp in an arranged marriage?

I'm dumb, someone has to explain it to me :)

46

Re: Compromises..

I think what i find really hard is having choices taken away from me so no i wouldnt be happy about that. I wonder what others would think.

47

Re: Compromises..

A compromise to me would be: neither your way nor my way, but somewhere in the middle. Each of you make concessions for the other.

In the list provided, it seems like it's all his way and the wife has no right to personal will and independent or even joint decision-making in the relationship - he commands and she obeys. So, yes please explain what she's getting in the relationship other than possibly a good standard of living?

48

Re: Compromises..

That's the "compromise" sehrysh. the girl has to give up what she wants in order to "fit in" to what society wants or to get a "good" rishta.

49

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IF I HAD to, I would go with 5. Firstly, because there's an "if" with living with the in-laws :D, and secondly, that just means I get more control. I am willing to take more responsibility, if I get the power asssociated with it too, i.e. it happens on my schedule and people may need to defrost the food :D to be able to eat. I can always hire cleaning ladies too.

50

Re: Compromises..

I could compromise on all except for no.3...wearing a typical shalwar kameez down the High St is NOT a cool look; not to mention at all comfortable.

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  1. Heck it's only clothes, I'll live.
  2. If they were really nice people and understood everyone's need for privacy. Or 6. Just 'cause I asked doesn't mean I'll follow what they say. Hey they want a ***** they get one :)
52

Re: Compromises..

  1. Not being allowed to work after marriage..

**I don't plan to do a job anyways so it should be ok, i am sure nobody would mind if i want to do something on my own.

2. Being told you **must live in your inlaws house permanently (and there are other siblings living there as well, he's not an only son)..

**I had actually prefer that. I wouldnt want to marry someone who lives independently, i am a family person :).

**3. No to you wearing western clothes no matter how modest they might be..

**This doesnt even make sense because it should be about not wearing vulgr clothes and that has nothing to do with western/eastern clothes. You can even dress vulgarly in eastern clothes. Anyhow i don't wear much of western wear here in Pak so it should be ok.

**4. Being expected to give up your education after marriage as there's 'no point'..

**Does not apply as i am already done with my education :p.

**5. Being told that if you live with inlaws you'll be expected to more or less 'take over' the bulk of the housework, cooking etc from his mum..

**Sorry but when i marry into a family i hope they take me as their family member not maid so this kind of attitude wont be acceptable. I don't mind sharing the workload but if its all handed over to me that would be unacceptable.

**6. Being told that if you live with inlaws you'll be expected to ask his parents' permission if you want to visit your family...

**Isnt that the decent way to do it anyways so it shoud be ok. You got to inform people you are living with about your whereabouts and i am sure no sane family would say no to your meeting your family unless ofcourse you want to do it everyday which doesnt make sense.

**

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It's unfortunate that families have these demands and even more so that women give into these demands.

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Re: Compromises..

No, unless I am going there 24/7. I will tell in a polite way and if I do all my required jobs then I haven't done anything wrong. Maybe in the beginning I might ask or depending on what type of family it is. But I won't do it rudely, maybe might say "Ami mein jaon?" You should at least tell them as they should know where family members are at times.

55

Re: Compromises..

Well life is all about making compromises and adjustments. Yes, it shouldnt be one way and that is what should be stressed on.

56

Re: Compromises..

There is a huge difference between "informing" and "asking permission". I actually know wives whose in-laws expect them to "ask permission" to visit their parents!

Perfect example is my best friend: Her mother (dad passed away) lives 3 hours away. Her in-laws live like 15 min. away (so this isn't even a joint family situation!). She drives to visit her mother every 4-5 weeks for a weekend. Yet at one point, her FIL actually told her that each time she drives to see her mother, the amount she drives (around 200 miles or so).....she should drive the exact distance to see them. So after doing the "math"....basically the FIL was saying that my friend needs to visit them 26 times before she goes to visit her mother 1 time. Mind you my friend and her husband visited the parents 2-3x/week anyway so its not that the in-laws were being ignored. My friend totally ignored her FIL's comments and her husband didn't "enforce" it.....

BUT I have heard of women whose in-laws/husbands actually restrict them from visiting their own parents....and not in cases where the women are leaving every single day. Regardless....personally I can't ever imagine asking anyone's "permission" to visit my own mother/father.

You're right that no "sane" family would prevent a woman from visiting her own parents....but then again...in my humble opinion, no sane family would expect the DIL to actually ask "permission". Just like I expect my in-laws to be sane.....the in-laws should have enough respect for me to realize that I would be mature enough to balance my responsibilities.

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Re: Compromises..

The examples u have given, i dnt think these r sane families so i was def not talking abt them. i dnt think its wrong of the inlaws to expect to be informed but yes its odd if they want the dil to ask their "permission" everytime she goes to c her parents.

Btw, what do you say to asking your husband's permission to do the same? oh wait let me make a new thread for it :D

58

Re: Compromises..

Never on 6.