Complete faithfulness in marriage

Lifestyle Relationships
1

:salam:

I’m interested to know how you would define complete faithfulness in marriage…for a husband…and for a wife…

If you are a lady, would you feel upset if your husband said that so and so female was good looking? Would you feel upset if walking down the street he looked at other females? What happenned to the ‘eyes only for you’ idea? Is it too idealistic?

Would these be considered acts of unfaithfulness?

Would you express that to your husband or would you keep this inside you?

What if you saw that your husband was friendly not too freindly but a bit more than strictly professional with female colleagues and cousins etc? How would you feel?

None of these things means he did anything wrong but would you still feel okay with it?

Do you think this is the female’s insecurity if she feels upset about such things?

Are these unrealistic standards for men?

Being a guy, what would you expect from your wife?

Is complete faithfulness in a marriage possible?
Is it the norm?
Is it too much to expect?

Is it true that wives are more faithful than husbands in our society?

If so, why?

2

I dont believe there is such a thing as complete faithfulness, just faithfulness, and even that gets distributed. smile

3

Munni do you mean that a person is either faithful or unfaithful and there’s no middle way? hmmm…thats actually a beautiful thought now that i think abt it :flower1:

waisay if u dont mean that then…what do u mean? :smiley:

also what did u mean by ‘distributed’? :slight_smile:

4

Phew Irem, you ask so many questions!!! :smiley:
I personally belive that you should trust your spouse, and realise that he/she had a life before getting married. I mean he/she had a job, a family etc before they got married. Flirting is out of the question though.Plus if they someone looked nice, I personally think it should be okay but again I am not married yet, so dunno how I would react in the actual situation. But yeah, i think every thing boils down to trust upon each other :).

PS: staring at women is a plain no-no, on the other hand :nono:

5

Faithfulness in marriage is everything. Having faith in your spouse is truly the defining factor in a marriage, I think. You should also be able to become good friends with your spouse, being able to confide in them. In my view, flirting is nothing to frown down upon even outside of marriage provided that it is done tastefully and that your spouse doesn't object. Flirting can actually be healthy for a relationship since it keeps the "fires of passion lit" as they say. However, note that flirting is one thing while taking a few steps beyond and carrying on an affair or even having a one-night-stand...well it's pretty obvious how wrong THESE are.

6

In my opinion..trust is the glue that binds the couple together…more you trust ur spouse, better ur relationship is.. And ofcourse trust is a mutual thing… It wont work one way… as long as u r faithful to ur spouse n u trust him n u kno he wont cross the limits .. u should kno thats the perfect harmony.

**
If you are a lady, would you feel upset if your husband said that so and so female was good looking? Would you feel upset if walking down the street he looked at other females? What happenned to the ‘eyes only for you’ idea? Is it too idealistic?**

No, i wont be upset … :slight_smile: .. cus i kno he luves me n well… i dunno if i can explain it while not jumpin into controversial(?) side so i’ll just skip the explaination … :slight_smile:

**
Would these be considered acts of unfaithfulness?
**

I dont think so.

**
Would you express that to your husband or would you keep this inside you?
**

I dont hav any issue with this in the first place… but if i had.. i might just keep it in. I hate confronting.

**What if you saw that your husband was friendly not too freindly but a bit more than strictly professional with female colleagues and cousins etc? How would you feel?
**

He is just being nice because these females r related to me. (Mayb i trust him too much :bummer: )

**
None of these things means he did anything wrong but would you still feel okay with it?
**

Ofcourse

Do you think this is the female’s insecurity if she feels upset about such things?

Depends on the person.. mayb she has a right to feel in secure… or in other words the guy is upto no good :disgustt:

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Are these unrealistic standards for men?
**

No they count on checking-the-faithfulness exam :slight_smile:

**Is complete faithfulness in a marriage possible? **

Depends … it has differnt phases like how much u r in love with that person… ? if u r falling out of luv… mayb n i said mayb ur standards will change.

**Is it true that wives are more faithful than husbands in our society? **

Ha Ha … well i do belive in this one.. yes they r more faithful… cus thats how they r raised. They r only tought to follow… never to lead..

7

I will give you a guys perspective. Something females dont understand is that guys do wander, forget for what reason etc. We do it. Why? No clue. But there are different degrees. Some go all the way and have affairs. Others just think about certain females, while the majority dont stray rather they just check girls out and whatnot.

Guys will check out other girls. That will always happen. The smart guy doesnt get caught. But the idea is pretty simple. We check out other girls, but you have us. If your married or even dating there is a specific reason why we (men) are with you. The girl on the street corner may be wearing nothing at all, so we check her out, but at the end of the day we spend the time and go home with you. Its just that simple. You cant stop a guy from checking out other girls. It is impossible. He has eyes only for you but hell he can check out the scenery. It isnt an idealistic assumption.

Nope it aint unfaithful, its natural.

Tell him what you think and discuss it and he will tell you its natural and impossible for him not to do so, but he can make futile attempts to try not to check out other girls.

Sheesh now this a question for the ages. Just because he is married or dating you doesnt mean he cant have female friends. It also doesnt mean he is dead to every other female except you. That is unrealistic and selfish and could lead to many problems at work. Trust him and let it be. If he strays nail his butt. But you seriously cant expect him to be only a work only friendship with people he works with. Its anti-social and clingy if a female does that. Its like he has no social life with you.

Depending on the female it could very well be dealing with female insecurity. Plus i have noticed this thing among desi women, correct me if i am wrong, but they seem to be extremely possessive of their men. To the extent that its shocking. Its like now i have him, he is gods gift to women and every female is after him. Oh well it could be insecurity or lack of trust. Either way not a good thing.

Unrealistic standards? To an extent yes. Its impossible for a guy not to check out a girl he considers hot. Its impossible for him to maintain no contact with female co-workers. Those two are extremely unreaslistic. But the rest are solid. They should be there.

Complete faithfulness? Yeah i guess so. More like as much as humanly possible.

I wouldnt be to sure that women are more faithful. After all an affair consists of two individuals. Most of the time, its someone in the social group that the husband and wife hang out in.

8

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by CM: *
Guys will check out other girls. That will always happen. The smart guy doesnt get caught. But the idea is pretty simple. We check out other girls, but you have us. If your married or even dating there is a specific reason why we (men) are with you. The girl on the street corner may be wearing nothing at all, so we check her out, but at the end of the day we spend the time and go home with you. Its just that simple. You cant stop a guy from checking out other girls. It is impossible. He has eyes only for you but hell he can check out the scenery. It isnt an idealistic assumption.

[/QUOTE]

That's all well and true but please do note that it does work the other way also...a girl in a committed relatonship checking out hot men. Again, nothing wrong with that picture unless you end up taking it further.

9

irem, in some ways it is just that. that a person is faithful or unfaithful, but that is not what i meant exactly.

What I mean is somewhat similar to what CM was saying, but not exactly. Difficult to explain for me.

By distributed I meant that people are faithful to different things in their lives, and sometimes one thing takes precedence over others for some time. Like the father who is more faithful to his work than his marriage during rocky periods, etc.

10

Whoa two people agreed with me. :eek: Sweetpie checking out is not a crime, unless a desi girl catches you and her brother is around. Then you are dead. Otherwise both sexes can check people out as long as no further steps are taken. Checking out is one thing, acting on it and flirting is a complelety different isse.

Munni i believe irem meant an emotional faithfulness or “love” and faithfulness. Not a distribution of prioirties as i think you mean. You can be totally faithful, but give your children, work or even your car more priority than your wife. I dont believe that would be classified as unfaithfulness.

11

CM - thanks for the response…
hmmm…
what happenned to the concept of ‘aankhon kee sharam’ and ‘hayaa of the eyes’…do guys no longer believe in that?
doesn’t islam say to lower your gaze towards a na mehram?
modesty is half of eemaan…
‘checking out’ IS wrong…!!! how can we forget that basic fact?
i’m not saying i’m an angel but shouldn’t we atleast admit to whats right and wrong? what we do ourselves is a different matter. though i don’t ‘check out’ guys when i go out and i dont think any of my female pakistani friends either…and none of us r super conservative, we’re pretty normal lol…but there still is the concept of lowering ur gaze in pakistani culture alhamdulillah atleast for girls…but i’ve seen that some guys literally stare at girls…! r u justifying that?
i think thats wrong and indecent…!!! without exception!!!
i dont think decent guys would do that?
ya if i’m watching a TV drama or something and there’s a good looking male celebrity i am gonna think ok he’s good looking and thats it end of thought process right there and if i feel compelled to look again i’m going to try and make myself not look…and if i do that all the times its gona become a habit…but if i start thinking thats ok to look like u said its ok to ‘check out’ then that’s just gona lead to a higher level of wrong thoughts…dont u think? we have to do jahad-e-nafs dont u think and if Allah sees u r trying He himself will help…we can’t just say its natural…i don’t buy that!!!

[CM btw plz don’t take my reply personally, this is just a discussion of the issue and u’ve made a mistake by replying here coz now i’ve bombarded u with all these questions but i don’t mean to attack u or anything :smiley: ]

Munni…hmmm I think i kind of get what you are saying…
i guess i was referring to faithfulness solely in terms of being faithful to wives/husbands in the wive-husband relationship…work etc doesnt come in that sphere…

Aleezay thanks for ur frank responses to the questions yaar :flower1:
i think i agree with a lot u said and i like ur thought process to quite an extent..after reading ur responses i think ur hubby is a lucky guy because u put a lot of trust in him :slight_smile: :mash:

sweetpie flirting with someone other than your wife can be healthy? :eek: HOW yaar?!?!? :konfused:

Ira :smiley: yaar I know I read my post again and I was like uh oh I sound like a lady hawaldaar doing interrogation of a mulzim :hehe:
hmmm…i agree with u in many things…
and yup u r right it all boils down to trust… :slight_smile:

12

why do we alway think, its only the "GUY" who'll cheat or something like that...its all about the trust, if u see some really good looking guy, obviously u,ll look at him and then forget about rite, then why is it so hard for u to believe ur hubby wouldnt do the same, look at that good looking girl and forget about it.........if u see something beautiful, there is an obvious attraction but that doesnt mean he,ll cheat on u or all of the certain he,ll love that good looking girl more than u......and if ur hubby does go n cheat on u, then he doesnt love u on the first place, that has nothing to do with looking at other women or even talking to them.

13

Why does everybody think i take things personally? Just because i have a bad temper doesnt mean i am nuts :p

Anyway back on track. Sharam and that sort doesnt apply to guys anymore. Before we go there, lets describe the guys that check you out. There are those that are sexually repressed and have never seen desi women before. These could be FOBs or even people who are second generations but lived in a very conservative household. So they just gawk and stare and everything, making every girl feel uncomfortable and basically making fools of themselves. These are the type everybody sees in Pakistan and in the areas where Desi are more populated.

Then you have those who you will never catch checking you out. Now this is an art and mainly guys who have been around women can do this to moderate success. Basically you take in a girl and size her up in a glace or two. Normally this is done while scanning. Scanning is basicaly what the name means. You scan the area but always keep the girl in focus. It could be done through reflections in windows, a mirror, standing around acting like you are waiting for a friend or if you are on the phone. When a guy is doing something, most girls dont even give a thought that they could be being checked out.

Added info for your own benefits. Anyway sharam and stuff no longer exists. Guys have different levels or standards. Well most desi guys do. Family off limits. You never check them out. If you do you commited on hell of a sin. Friends of family...ok...friends of female cousins. No way. Friends of sister even worse.

You check out girls you dont know but want to know or more like you just like to check them out. Consider it window shopping, and we only buy if there is an interest. Its honestly just a thought process. Like she is hot, she is not. Rate her and stuff. All guys do it.

What is a decent guy? That statement is ancient and totally unrealistic. Every guy thinks about girls every guy checks out girls. If a guy said he doesnt he is lying. I can name quiet a few "innocent and nice" guys on gupshup that once in private are like any typical guy. They rate and disucss girls. A decent guy knows how to treat a girl and how to approach her and what to say. But all guys check out girls.

14

I got a friend whos hubby was from pak and they were so in love with each other that I couldnt believe it was possible, considering she had a forced marriage. She totally trusted him. Anyway after like 7 years she finds out hes been ringing girls and even been seeing one for months behind her back. (seven year itch) She was devastated but she stayed with him for the kids sake. I couldnt believe she could stay with him after that but she reckons its more important that the kids grow up with two parents. She said he didnt sleep with this girl and shes pretty sure of that and hes also calmed down alot and changed for her. He used to stay out most nights but not anymore he listens to her now.
She also told me that a lot of these desi guys from back home are having affairs behind their wives backs and they aint got a clue. Apparently her hubby told her that all his mates were at it so why couldnt he? As if that justifies it.
So the way I see it, its possible to be too trusting sometimes. And dont live in a dream world.
So all you girls who marry guys from back home, I'm not saying be suspicious all the time but learn to recognise the signs and just keep your eyes and ears open.

Yes girls are more faithfull definitely.

15

The reason I only mentioned guys from Pak is that when they are in pak they may not have had many chances of dating etc and when they get here they see all these rang berangi girls and they cant help themselves. Unless its a good islamic guy which is very rare especially in Pak. Guys from the west have usually already gone through this phase in life and are more likely to be serious and ready to settle down in marriage. Theyve had their fun.

16

^^ i agree that the cultural shock for many of pakistani guys is too much to bear BUT islamic or unislamic, if someone truly knows how to respect a woman, he will never indulge in those rang birangee activities. Its all about perspectives.

17

Its a difference of opinion. If you are giving more priority to your work than your marriage, I consider it limited faithfulness to your spouse, but thats just me. I'm weird. smile

18

just looking?

Well I can only speak from my own perspective and experience. Having been married 4 years now, my husband and I tease each other about this subject once in a while. But I think those 'jealousies' are proof that passion is still alive for us. Whenever he sees Johny Depp on t.v. he says..."Hey why are you drooling?"He gets a slap on the head and we laugh about it. My husband has told me that, yes, ofcourse he notices if there is a beautiful woman in his presence, but he says it doesn't mean anything. Being an artist myself I can see how you appreciate a work of art, but that's all there is to it.

I think it's normal for both a woman or a man to notice beauty and be 'faithful'. But there is a line. You can't go beyond it and find an emotional connection with that person. There is a huge difference between looking at someone and lusting for someone. I agree with irim in her post:
"what happenned to the concept of 'aankhon kee sharam' and 'hayaa of the eyes'...do guys no longer believe in that?
doesn't islam say to lower your gaze towards a na mehram?
modesty is half of eemaan...
'checking out' IS wrong!"

19

^Checking out is wrong...well that is only your and irem's opinion. In my view, nothing is wrong with looking because as you mentioned, I feel similarly that a person can look all they want as long as they know where to draw the line. We're only human so men looking at women or women looking at men who they find attractive is normal as long as one doesn't turn it into something more if that person is in a committed relationship. In addition, all things of beauty, symmetry, harmony, etc., naturally catch my eye and even though I am not in any "committed" relationship or marriage, I don't believe the saying that when you get married, you only have eyes for your spouse. You have eyes for whomever you find attractive but ultimately you're faithful to your spouse no matter what.

It's funny because alot of my friends are now married, some with children even, and I sometimes find their hubbies checking out other girls...looking them up and down and then some...and even though they do this discreetly, you can sometimes catch them in the act, which is quite amusing. Now, is that considered wrong? Not in my book if they're not taking things any further with the person they're checking out.

20

Good post CM.

Saima and Irem, I agree 100% with you guys. Islam teaches us haya of nazar. Now I am also guilty of taking a second look(i am human after all :D), but if its a habit, its not good. I wouldnt want my husband to check out every other woman in my presence. I do understand though as CM has posted that guys are going to do that occasionally. But please dont droool over the other women, all the time.