We have been married almost 3 years. And he has been an amazing husband all the way. I am not criticizing him, just letting out my frustration on the communication issues we are having these days. I know that I play a part in that as well. These days I just don’t know how to cope with the situation.
The thing is that he really dislikes strong reactions as he associate them with his bad childhood memories when his parents were going through a hard time. So he doesn’t like it when I get ‘aggressive’ or tell him off in a way that reminds him of his mother. And I come from a family where it was very normal to speak loud when you are angry so I tend to speak in a loud tone when I get annoyed or angry at him. This makes him go totally introvert and he doesn’t want to speak with me but still he does. It is me who would get so naraz that I don’t wanna speak to him and expect him to come after me and make me feel good.
Totally childish I know!!
Just for the record. I am not pregnant. I wish I was!! The news the doctor gave was however related to my health which has been a reason for us not having kids yet. So he knows that it really meant a lot to me. But the just went on with his critical opinion that we should also wait for the second opinion. And that is already planned. In fact I have scheduled appointments at the 2 best docters here. So why does he start speaking on that when he already knows that I will be going there to double check!!! And he knows that I want kids badly so getting the GO from at least 1 docter was a HUGE thing for me. And I was so happy when I came out of the clinic. But he just ruined my mood by that statement. At least he could have smiled, or say that it was a nice news and lets wait for the next appointment.
Ever since I have been wanting to have kids there has been so many obstacles. So many people have told me to wait (eventhough I have waited for so long) that I have started to feel that maybe it is a sign and maybe I should not go for it. It has been a very frustrating time for me when going through bad health, almost no social life, stress at work, depression and feeling of loneliness. Having a child seemed like a light at the end of the lonely tunnel and I felt that maybe that would bring me some joy.
My husband has been busy with his job and other activities so even though he stays home cuz of me and have literally no social life cuz of my, he still spends time with his laptop more than me. When I complained on that he started to decrease his time with the projects online but still spends time on the computer telling me that I have killed his motivation for those interesting projects so now he is only spending time on online games which he can end easily when I am around rather than finding it difficult to stop the project activities when I would be around…
I don’t see any logic in that. I asked him to decrease time with the computer not with the projects. Instead he is still a lot online playing brain-dead games while he could have done the projects.
At the same time he has been taking very much care of me and made me feel much stronger than I have ever been. He has been like a rock for me. But now I feel as if he is feeling that I am not grateful to him or show interest in him.
I don’t know what to do……
Hi Chameli,
I've heard that trying to have children....especially if there are some difficulties such as health problems that are affecting the ability to have kids...........becomes stressful for the couple. Because so much concentration is placed on "having a baby"......that the couple can lose sight of other activities that help bond them together.
You have mentioned you are aware of your loud behavior when you become angry. And I understand that it's hard to control habits that we have grown up with. And while I acknowledge that people express their anger in different ways, frankly speaking.........very few people (extroverted or introverted) like to be yelled at. We don't realize it, but speaking from experience, our tone of voice can hurt the other person. I'm generally an introvert and not a loud person by nature. But sometimes when I have become REALLY angry, I have yelled at others. And i've really hurt the other person. Similarly, I have decided to either completely ditch or maintain a distance from friends and relatives who have frequent issues with managing anger.
Your husband has had negative childhood experiences with aggression. And you don't want him to associate you with those experiences every time you both have a conflict. Nor do you want him to develop a grudge toward you. Our past history can have a very powerful and emotional impact on us. And even from the Islamic perspective, we are encouraged to avoid anger because it is like fire and can be destructive not only to us but our relationships. So, when you feel angry, remove yourself from the situation. Take a break. Because there is no written rule that you MUST have the discussion right then and there when you're all fired up. So, take a break when you're angry. Drink a glass of water. And resume discussion when you and your hubby are both calm and seated. He will appreciate this effort since he's very sensitive to loud voices. PLUS try working on controlling loud angry outbursts.......as a way to prepare for having children in the future. Because, children need to be taught healthy forms of anger management ;)
Your husband was being practical when suggesting you get a second opinion. It can be painful to get our expectations high only to find that we're wrong. Perhaps he just wants to be fully sure about things before celebrating. At the same time, I ALSO see your point of view. It can be very disheartening when the other person is glum while we're excited. It can take the joy out of things. When discussing issues with your husband, try to stay calm. And start the discussion with POSITIVE POINTS first and **then **progress toward areas of concern. For example, you can tell your husband:
"I really appreciate all the support you have given me. And your patience in taking care of me during my health problems has been phenomenal. And I know you're a very practical person who wants to confirm things. I appreciate this quality of yours. But I feel that as a couple, since we've been through so much, we also need moments where we can relax and be positive and happy. I will get the second opinion, but it would mean soooo much to me if you can show some happiness for the good news that I've received right now. I value your happiness because it is important to me and I find it encouraging. Similarly, I know that when family comes to visit, it can be a bit messy and loud and hectic. But let's try to make the best of it and focus on the positive. They are our family, it's not everyday we see them. Plus, life is unpredictable, so let's show them we care and concentrate on the joy of having their brief company."
Now, you say that the stress from your health problems has prevented you from having a social life. And also, that you've told your husband not **to spend too much time on the computer. **BUT.........what activities have YOU planned for when he's off the computer? Why don't you try initiating some activities.....and maybe he'll spend less time on the computer and more time with you. For example, rent a movie that you both would enjoy watching together. Or make reservations at a nice restaurant for the two of you. Or plan to take a brief vacation out somewhere. Or when he comes come, surprise him with all his favorite dishes. Buy him a present. Surprise him with romantic/sweet gestures. And maybe that will motivate him to spend more time with you.
I know it's hard to do, but sometimes you have to put your pride/ego to the side and not have that "I want him to make the first move" attitude. During these moments, try to overlook his flaws and remember ALL the good things he has done. And use that as motivation for yourself to make the first move and reach out to him.
USE HUMOR as a way to diffuse tense situations and complaints. The next time that your husband complains about something you're doing or saying......acknowledge his feelings.....but also make a funny joke. That can lighten up the mood. For example when he complains that the guest's kids are running around the house and making noise. Tell him,** "Yeah, that's true. But you look so cute when you spend time with those same little monsters." **Sometimes when you make a light-hearted comment.........it calms the tension. And it can help your husband reflect over your point-of-view.
So, try these strategies out. My apologies for the lengthy post but I felt there were several issues to cover. I wish you all the best. :)
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