Re: Communication issues in marriage
RV - About time you showed up here, your advice was very much needed and I'm it will be appreciated by Chameli. Ignore Firenze.
Re: Communication issues in marriage
Why even comment on the length of RV's posts... She happens to be one the most insightful PLUS helpful people around. YES, grow up people.
I mostly agree with RV. Additionally, I happen to have a very loud sibling which really annoys the hell outta me... so yes, I think it would be a good idea to work on this issue, for your family's sake and even for urself. Goodluck :)
I find RV's posts very helpful too! Kind of relate to the original post and the issues in a way. Its soo frustrating when you just can't be positive!!!
Re: Communication issues in marriage
Red Velvet thanks you very much for your detailed answer. Its just to helpful and I am already trying to practice some of your really good advices!!
May Allah reward you for helping out lost souls like me!!!
You're immature firenze. You can only see the length of people's posts. But you can't see that people have taken the time out to analyze a problem and help someone out. There's a limit to immature thinking. Grow up.
Your advice is always so amazing RV! :)
Chameli420, for a moment in the second post, I though its my wife who has joined GS. you spoke and thought exactly like her.
one line answer, you need to climb down a bit where you are at present. If your hubby changed over time to this stage, then probably he has lost his interest in making things better. Because he is not getting any thing back from you. in all the post you spoke about only him, what you want from him. think about what you are doing to make him comfortable, showing affection and love when needed, to make life more easy and happy. and dont tell me that you do all the home stuff to please him.. so he should be happy. what practical steps you have taken for romance, affection so he will feel loved?
expectations are right thing to have, but one should always think what they are putting into the relationship.
my wife is also going through this, its much better now, but she is bored with life as hubby is busy in work 9-6 5 days a week, and she busy "ALL" day only cooking for the evening.
Re: Communication issues in marriage
Chameli...Ive always heard all my life that
"ghussa haraam hai"
Think about that...always before you are tempted to react in any way.
Re: Communication issues in marriage
I have tried for some days now to be positive and encouraging. I havent seen positive respons from my hsuband's side but maybe cuz he is so tired and have been working overtime, he is just too exahusted to do anything.
But it does make me feel lonely. I feel that I am the only one trying here. Alhamdulillah its not that we are having a crisis but for someone like me who has a chronic illness, exhuasted from work related politics, stress, no social life, no realt friends in this new city depsite trying really hard (but most people only contact me when they need help for something and I dont ask others for help in my own matters so I hardly contact ppl unless I am asking to meet up or asking how they are doing).
Under all these circumstances my husband my only way of happiness. And now when things are not going too well I m really frustrated. Like I get so angry when he can sit there in the mess and not clean up when he knows how strong allergic reactions I get. and when he comments negatively on things that really mean a lot to me.
I tried to explain this to him but we just had a really long discussion instead. he used to be such a great listener but now I can hardly finish what I am saying when he interrupts me to state his own opinions which seems concluding to me.
I am sorry for venting out like this but I just dont have anyone to talk to about this.
I wont talk to my mother about this cuz she thinks my husband takes care of me during my illness cuz I earn more than him!!!this just isnt the right seed to put in my mind in time of illness and especially when he really is a wonderful person and would never look at my salary to be there for me!!!
I cant speak to my sisters cuz they just tell my mum and friends in a whole another chapter....I have had sooooo many negative experiences where so called friend shattered my trust that I dont speak about personal stuff to anyone at all besides at GS.
I am having a really difficult time at work these days. that is yet another factor on all this.
plz pray for me
Re: Communication issues in marriage
I'll prayy for you, inshallah everything should be better in the near future. Have you thought about doing some sort of hobby. Like maybe you could take some sort of classes (fun stuff) where you can let it out. Ofcourse nothing will be perfect until your hubby realizes how imp this is to you. I don't know you abt you but i would keep my hubby up all night making him realize how imp this is to me and make him understand. Wouldn't he want the same from you? when he's sick and upset?
Yes I have thought about some kind of hobby but since the summer holidays will begin soon there are no classes before August so I just have to wait. Until then I have a plan to enjoy the nice weather and relax.
The problems occur when I talk to him in a tone that he dislikes. I do my very best not to be very loud but sometimes I can get so angry at him that I just speak in a louder tone. it doesnt mean that I shout at him or something like that. but my tone would just be louder than normal.
His reaction to that would be to become introvert and get annoyed at me.
for example he stopped giving me my medicine cuz I have sometimes gotten annoyed and said No I dont want to have the tablets now in an irritated manner...which made him stop asking me.
Now I found this behaviour very immature cuz if u care about someone u will worry about their health more than worrying about your own feelings when it comes to things like this. if I have at times said no to take medicine it has been cuz I was sick n tired of my illness and the tablets and just need a break.
This I tried to explain to him. but I feel like he gets upset when I discuss with him.
We have had several discussions and he told me that his childhood was full of arguments between his parents so he doesnt like it when someone argues or discusses with him. He doenst like conflicts and therefore he doesnt like to tell people off either. for example in many situations his sister has been really annoying but he didnt stop her cuz he is afraid of conflicts. thats something he told me.
Now we are hardly talking to each other. cuz he is always tired, have a headache, is busy with his work or is annoyed at me.
I feel like I need some time off and need to get away from everything for a while.
Re: Communication issues in marriage
What I am most sad about is his reaction to when I told him that my primary doctor told me not to get pregnant before my treatment is over in some months.
He said that I was overreacting when I was lying on the sofa and saying ohhhh I really wanted to get pregnant now. Which is so true. and I dont even think that I was overeacting as I know people who would have made a huge drama out of it while I was just lying on the sofa and stating what I was wishing for.what is wrong with that?
Re: Communication issues in marriage
yes i agree you do need to get away hun, this really is not good for your health.
"We have had several discussions and he told me that his childhood was full of arguments between his parents so he doesnt like it when someone argues or discusses with him. He doenst like conflicts and therefore he doesnt like to tell people off either. for example in many situations his sister has been really annoying but he didnt stop her cuz he is afraid of conflicts. thats something he told me."
This is what is putting stress in you! I understand about his childhood and all but without having a discussion or even maybe a little argument how can you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. If you don't have arguments its unhealthy. He is not making any space for you to breath but is putting out all the rules you should not break. You HAVE to meet in the middle some where. And i really don't know when you should talk to him about this, but i think without him realizing this you will never feel like that he understands you. And i feel like he just shuts you down as soon as you break a rule, which is very worng.
What I am most sad about is his reaction to when I told him that my primary doctor told me not to get pregnant before my treatment is over in some months.
He said that I was overreacting when I was lying on the sofa and saying ohhhh I really wanted to get pregnant now. Which is so true. and I dont even think that I was overeacting as I know people who would have made a huge drama out of it while I was just lying on the sofa and stating what I was wishing for.what is wrong with that?
There nothing wrong with that. I think a person who is sick, you can be as much of a drama queen, and people just need to deal with it. When your healthy you can't even come close to appreciating the smallest things in life.
Re: Communication issues in marriage
It sounds like your husband needs a break too. It sounds like he works hard, comes home and takes care of you, then listens to you complain, gets wound up, doesn't vent, stays quiet.
Chameli, look at your situation from a newly flown in fly on the wall point of view. If a fly just flew in from the window into your house, what would he see if he watched you both everyday?
Would he see a tired man coming home from work, unable to free himself of his responsibilities? Would he see a man who makes the effort to be kind to his wife. only to be hurt by a sharp rebuke? Would he see a man who is secretly in a lot of despair bcos he is afraid of his relationship turning out like his parents?
Sorry I am focussing only on the husband here, its bcos you know how you feel, but can you really see what husband is feeling? I am truly sorry to read your words, bcos you are unhappy and feel alone but do you think your other half may be feeling like this too?
Is there somewhere you can go for a 2 week break away from eachother, like a friend or parents?
It sounds like your husband needs a break too. It sounds like he works hard, comes home and takes care of you, then listens to you complain, gets wound up, doesn't vent, stays quiet.
Chameli, look at your situation from a newly flown in fly on the wall point of view. If a fly just flew in from the window into your house, what would he see if he watched you both everyday?
Would he see a tired man coming home from work, unable to free himself of his responsibilities? Would he see a man who makes the effort to be kind to his wife. only to be hurt by a sharp rebuke? Would he see a man who is secretly in a lot of despair bcos he is afraid of his relationship turning out like his parents?
Sorry I am focussing only on the husband here, its bcos you know how you feel, but can you really see what husband is feeling? I am truly sorry to read your words, bcos you are unhappy and feel alone but do you think your other half may be feeling like this too?
Is there somewhere you can go for a 2 week break away from eachother, like a friend or parents?
You really made me think. thanks a lot!!!! :)
Going to my parents in this condition will not be relaxing for me. They all think I am so happy and have no issues so they hardly ask me how things are going while bombarding me with their problems. Recently I just dont have any energy to listen to them.
Perhaps I can stay with a friend for a few days..
Re: Communication issues in marriage
^or may be u both need a socond honeymoon or something.going away on holidays for a week or two might freshen u up.
i would sa go together instead of keepin away from each other
gher baithay larnay se acha hai u go out more often n stay busy in some fun activities.lonliness n sickness both r affecting u n u guys need a break from that.