Communication Gap?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

okey another attempt. I am not giving up.

so you and your spouse come from a totally different backgrounds, families, financial status infact you both are raised in a different cultures where both of you saw how to handle husband/wife relationships differently.

You try to have a nice discussion about it but it only works for a moment and when that moment is gone so is the understanding. You try hard to put your best in it but you want your other half to help you bridging this communication gap.

So i am gona make it simple of all of you:
*How can one bridge a communication gap with thier spouse. Keep in mind whatever you say means totally different thing in other patner’s language. *

2

well, i guess first you will have to learn the partner's language.

3

Re: Communication Gap?

Accept the fact that people are different and come from different backgrounds. Respect each other wishes and ways.

4

i know his language..... its jst when i try to explain something it doesnt come out the way i can explain in the language i spk most of the time.....

respect is not the issue here

5

Re: Communication Gap?

He is still in Pakistan, right ? Once he is here and he moves around some nice people , he will learn a thing or two. Being in Pakistan is the biggest hurdle in bridging that communication gap you two have.
Oh and make sure he gets company of some open minded nice people. I have met many here in West who learn nothing after being here for decades because they move around with the people who learned nothing either. I even know people who have high paid jobs , are doctors , are highly qualified but still have the feudal mentality. They are still "My Feudal Lord" as Tahmina Doultan would say it.

6

Re: Communication Gap?

I dont think you can ever bridge some communication gaps. I guess you can somewhat overcome them but from what I have learned, they will always be there.

7

Re: Communication Gap?

^ Just curious to know how old are you? and did you what did you experience to come to that conclusion?

If talking isn't working for you - then maybe writing (emails) would be a better way of communication? You can word your sentences more carefully to potray what you are trying to say?

Not much detail to say more

8

yeh ..... there is still this hope

but the problem is he is not caring at all.... if i tell him that he doesnt need to call me every 2nd day....he is not even gona bother........he jst makes it seems like an obligation that he has do not cuz he wants to talk to me....

i tried talking to him on this issue but nothing worked so far.....
when i do call him ..... he would put me on hold for so long.....

if he pizz me off and later i dont give him a call back..........he wouldnt bother to give me a call back.... until i call him back
he makes it like a ego thing but he makes it sound like he was so bzy so bzy that he couldnt get 5 minutes to give a short call....

thats what i wana do atleast do something to have a better understanding

he is extremly bzy .... i would have to tell him many time before he checks his mails..... he mostly depends on his phone for everything....

9

Re: Communication Gap?

annonymou5 refer to this thread.
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/jokes-rated-g/309923-husband-store.html
:smiley:

10

Think about it, most conflicts are caused by misunderstandings and misunderstandings because of communication gaps. I think its very difficult for people to express what they really feel due to a lot of different things.

11

talking....if that isn't working...then writing [emails / letters / books]..if even thats not working then praying [to God to make ur hubby more smart]...if everything fails then sadly to say you'll have a really bumpy ride in the future.

also don't forget that if someone simply doesn't want to understand something then no matter how hard you try...he/she/it won't understand even if its something as simple as 'i love you' or 'chal chaliye duniya de os'se nukray jithay banda na banday di zaat hovey'...

yaad aaye ga mjhe woh shaks mar jane tak
12

My professor once said that he likes to find something in common, anything (foods, tv shows, hobbies), so that he can connect with his students. This was a teaching course I was taking. And although we the students were engaged in a first-day-of-class ice-breaker activity, the concept is important and makes sense. The other thing the professor suggested was MODEL MODEL MODEL. And that makes sense too.

Anny, every family is different in the way that they communicate and express themselves. Maybe your husband and his family are not that into being expressive and emotional. Maybe they are more reserved. The culture in Pakistan is different/reserved from the culture of Canada. You could be right. Maybe your husband is like that because there is a difference in his and your family backgrounds. But it could also be that that's just how he is. And for all you know he might act the same if he had married another woman.

What do your husband and you have in common? Any interests/hobbies? Do you both like going to the movies, garden, theme parks, travel, favorite common restaurants? How about engaging your husband in activities that you BOTH like to enjoy.

Sometimes you have to model the desired behavior for the other person. Model good communication for your husband. As difficult as it may be, take the time to talk to him, ask him how his day went, tell him about your day, tell him about whats on your mind, tell him about a funny thing you saw/experienced. Cook his favorite meals, buy him things that he likes, surprise him with gifts. If you do this more often, InshaAllah he'll get used to the idea that you're opening up to him......and he'll gradually become more comfortable with you to start communicating with you as well. I don't think it would hurt to stroke his ego either. If you see him looking nice or doing something good, then sincerely compliment him. He'll be flattered and feel good about himself. He'll know that after a few years of marriage, you still appreciate him, and he'll feel more encouraged (hopefully) to communicate back with you. Flattery can go a long way as they say. Women like to be appreciated and complimented by their husbands. And I'm sure that guys/husbands like to feel appreciated complimented by their wives as well.

So try these things out first for a few months. And if that doens't work, then talk to him about your concerns because at that point you can say that you've made frequent attempts and efforts at bridging the gap. I wish you the best. And you should be proud of yourself for not giving up. That's the right attitude, now run with it!

Badal saka na judai k gham utha kar bhi
13

:hayaa: how fast do you type ? Your posts are good but lengthy. :smack2:

14

Yep, I’m one of those lengthy posters. Once in a while you’ll see a medium length or even short post from me, LOL. And yes, I’m a pretty fast typer. Took typing classes since middle school, LOL:)

15

I think it depends on the mentality of your spouse and yourself.

I for myself don't ever want to marry a person who grew up (part of his life) in Pakistan again! If I'd go to Pakistan today, I could still marry a few cousins. But they only would want me for a European passport and not because they'd like me. And I'd only want to marry someone who likes me for myself, not because I have a European passport. And I don't want to give up everything again in a marriage, so that means I can't marry a person raised in Pakistan!

I think it's difficult. Because most people who grew up in Pakistan, even if they were only a few years there, have a difficult mentality. But that's my opinion, that's what I've experienced so far. Not wanting to insult anyone.

It's not just a difference of opinion on a few subjects. Everything is different, even behaviour, sometimes you don't even notice that you did something that could be considered insulting or bad behaviour, while you are used to that with Pakistanis in Europe. So you have to have a lot of info about the kind of behaviour he is used to. Because of course, in every place in Pakistan, there are often some different rules on how they want people to behave.

And of course you have his own individuality. How his own character is. After you understand how to behave, what he would consider normal, you'd have to know what he himself likes to talk about or do.

16

saieen:
again the problem is language.... the way i can express myself in english i can do it in urdu..... before talking to him on some issues i have to first carefully translate it into urdu (he doesnt understand english) and then talk to him.... most of the time what comes out of my mouth means totally different thing and he sometimes get offended..... and i am sitting there holding the phone think what did i say to offend him like that....... ofcourse nxt time i even more carefull emails doesnt work either again for the same reason that i dont know how to to express in urdu and he doesnt have time to read email.... he hardly gets time for me to talk on the phone...

RedVelvet: he is so much fun if i am with him.... we both are advanturist and enjoy doing and going to scary place and have fun....
when i was with him i never got bored for even a minute..... he is talkative and a gud company.... no one gets bored with him..... one my aunt and my grandma are very picky at who they like and who dont but even they like him and its because of his personality....

i like all ur ideas and i dont i would be here complaining about anything if he was with me...... its because he is so far away and the only mean of communication we both have is phone and i noticed that on the phone he is totally different person....... i think he doesnt like talking on the phone.....

after 2 days he would call me for literally 5 or sometimes when he puts me on hold he'll talk for 10 minutes including the time he puts me on hold. and then in the middle of the conversation he would run out of the card and he wont even get to say bye.

its not a big deal if its once in a while but he is consistent...... it seems like he wastes all the credet talking to other people and when there are only 5 minutes balance left he would call me ....

before i would give him a call back but then i thought maybe he cant tell me that he needs to hang up so thats y he does that (so he dont sound rude to me) so then i stoped giving him a call back....

but i would call him the nxt day..... and we would talk for gud 30 or 40 minutes.....
and nxt day wohi purani tareeka

for last couple of weeks i minimized my calls to 20 minute to half n hr ....... cuz i felt that he doesnt wana talk to me and i am jst forcing him to talk to him.....

and then i didnt call him for two days and he didnt even bother calling me to check i am all okey or not or why i am gona calling him....... and two days later i called him and he started complaining that y didnt u call for two days ..... then i asked him the same question and he started giving me same old purane excuzes that i was busy with this or that.....

i told him i was upset thats y i didnt call u and he start pointing at my faults that how i use to call him whenever he ran out of credit and how i use to call him for hrs and now i only call him for 15 or 20 minutes and when i told him that u dont even do that u call me for 5 or 10 minutes and during that time u put me on hold..... and he was like yeh i know i never called u for an hr but still ...

i am really pissed off..... how can he expect me to keep on calling him when he doesnt even put a little effort in this relationship.....
or is it my responcibility to keep running after him while he is holding a tag with "i am busy and the time i am giving is my very precious time"

i explained him many times and yet again that i wouldnt mind if once in a week on his day off (luckily we both have the same day off frm work) he gives me a call and properly talk to me and dont put me on hold.......

but thats jst too much to ask for.... and he is promising me that once he gets here everything will change.

Half of me wants to believe this but the other half is telling me that if a person can even do this much for u dont u think he'll have new and improved excuzes once he is in canada?

17

notorious i never wanted to marry someone from pakistan because of the same reasons but i was not given any choices.....

i did notice he has nothing to talk or share with me..... but when it comes to something related to immigration or any paper i got from them or anything he jst wakes up and starts asking me questions abt it..... thats the only topic i think interests him....

18

Maybe he doesn't know any other topic to talk about? Perhaps you could try talking about the things you did together, so you know what to talk about.

I know it's difficult to find something to talk about sometimes!

I do think it's better to have a fiance or husband, who doesn't want to be called too often or wants to be together every second, it wouldn't leave you any time to do something else you'd like to do or even breathe, really, it's irritating if he's keep calling you and even keep demanding that you should call him! I once even had a female friend who did that to me, and that was annoying too, but when your fiance or husband does that, it's even more annoying!

Or are you the type of person who wants to be together every second with your partner, as if you're glued to your partner? That would be scary!

Timepass - November 2012
19

Re: Communication Gap?

I had communication problems too, when I was first married. In our family we're more used to speaking pahari instead of Urdu. When we were younger however, my Mother wanted us to speak more Urdu. Nowadays my brothers do speak pahari and my mother is used to that. I think she gave up the idea of wanting her children to only talk urdu. Anyway, my ex-husband, was used to talking pahari, because my mothers sister didn't care about the language her own children speak, be it urdu or pahari. I did understand pahari, because I grew up with many family members speaking pahari, but I didn't know how to say those words myself. And he couldn't speak English when were married, while I didn't know enough French, so he would say something in pahari, me in urdu. He'd laugh at the Urdu, not always understanding everything. Me trying to talk pahari, was weird, my Urdu accent made my Pahari words sound strange!

But after a while, I did learn to speak it better though, when we were living together and then with time passing, the understanding of the words was better.

Maybe after you live together, then talk daily to each other, then your communication will get easier.

Timepass - November 2012
20

He sounds like so controlling. So selfish.

He doesn't care about you.

Don't call him back ever after some time he sure will call you.

When ppl start giving some person too much lift then they start behaving like this. Now it's time for you to Sir say utar phainko, mohabbat kay bhoot ko pinjray main bund kar do phir tamasha daikho.

GS Confessions!!