communication and understanding

Lifestyle Relationships
1

growing up, all i was really told about finding a spouse was… “if u have good understanding.. then thats great”

I took this quite seriously. I believe that when marrying a guy.. or actually in the premarriage stage, i tried to find someone who was relatively on the same wavelength as me.. or me on his. Someone who had similar goals to me in life.. sure he may have had different ways of getting to them as me.. but u know, at least we should have shared the same vision…

now, i can see how this can be kinda difficult to achieve in an arranged marriage scenario… difficult, but not impossible..

mine wasnt as such.. hence i got to seek, talk, compromise and had time to develop an understanding with the hubby…

i want to know, how do people forget about this core component in a relationship…? how do people forget that there needs to be some type of an understanding to retain the love.. or keep it alive.. even 2%… ? do people not believe that this is a very big big big part of having a successful relationship?

over the past weeks, if not months, i have heard/read a number of stories about bad husbands who dont communicate.. of wives finding ways to somehow gain control.. just crazy stuff.. did these people stop trying to communicate and understand? what has gone wrong?

yes, i am naive

2

Re: communication and understanding

well in desi culture it is believed that if couple develops any understanding prior to their marriage than its not an arrange instead it is denoted as a love marriage. :bummer:

and parents dont let the girls do the talking cuz they might spill the beans of reality. (cuz remind you in our culture the average shadi age of gals is 19-23…so not that mature)

3

Re: communication and understanding

u can always develop an understanding after u get married...

4

Re: communication and understanding

if the intentions are positive then why not. but it will take longer since you already in a relationship (cuz no matter what duur k dhool are always sohanay).

5

Re: communication and understanding

real understanding develops once ur married neways. Thats when things really get put into perspective... even if u get a chance to meet the guy before marriage, its not till afterwards u get a real opportunity to make things work

6

Re: communication and understanding

You know how you cannot learn swimming unless you get into the pool, you really can't figure our marriage until you get married. You can never be perfectly prepared and no spouse comes ready-made. You both have to work a 100% each to make it work. I guess it is easier to look at the other's faults and not our own so that's where things get bad.

7

Re: communication and understanding

ur right niksik

theres no way im saying my marriahe has no faults. Infact i'll (or the hubz and i) will be the first to admit we had issues to start off with... communication and understanding issues.

what im trying to understand is.... how do people give up on each other? and why do others keep going on?

8

Re: communication and understanding

I don't know...maybe people get tired of trying when things don't change, maybe one party doesn't want to, maybe there hearts have been clouded, maybe they get bored....and those who keep on regardless of misery do it for their kids or maybe they have no other choice or the pressures of society.

9

Re: communication and understanding

hmmm... its sad

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Re: communication and understanding

What if you feel like the other person understands you really well, and you are also able to communicate things well with him/her but it's not like that in return :( (no matter how much you make a person feel comfortable/welcomed and prove yourself trustworthy over and over again).

Also Sadzz: How long did it take you to realize that it is indeed your husband with whom you have an understanding. Does it take days, months or years? The reason I am asking is because was seriously considering a potential for about a year and a half and everything seemed fine until I get to hear "we dont communicate and think at same levels". Does it really take that long to determine whether or not you can communicate on the same levels with another person?

KAHAN MER GAI SAAREEEEEEEEEEY
11

Re: communication and understanding

In terms of marriage, when people dont communicate and try and make it work its because marriage doesnt mean the same thing as someone else.

If two people see marriage as a bond of love and unity then they will put in 100% into that

If two people see it as a job description to fill, so the husband goes to work and makes money, the wife pops out babies and makes a good hostess to the family home...whether there is love or not, its whats expected of society...then they can make it work.

But if one wants love, unity, happiness care etc....and the other is just doing it because they are the right age and its the right time and all they have to do is fill certain descriptions then no it wont work....and thats where i think communication within marriages fail.

It should be important before hand to know what each other believs about marriage.

I know of one couple in uni, the girl comes a good family and is pretty, she had a choice of men to chose from, she had a man who loved her very much and was really nice but not from a very well do to family, so she went for a boy who was from a good family like hers. Now this couple dont have much 'love' and 'romance' between them. But they offer each other security, status and families who can get along, and they work! its weird but they do.

12

Re: communication and understanding

Life changes after marriage, and even if you spend a fair amount of time getting to know someone before marriage, there always will be changes and surprises after marriage. Its a given. Like niksik said, you have to swim in the pool in order to gauge its depth.

Understanding is a relative term. For some, it means, being on the same wavelength in everything you do...for others, it means, accepting the other as he/she is, regardless of whether you are on the same wavelength or not. I find the latter description to be more widespread among married couples. Whether we accept it or not, there are always things we dislike about our spouse. Heck, we even dislike things about our parents and kids and siblings. But we learn to live with it. Thats how it works.

Most marriages go to the dumps because we dont accept our spouse for who they are. I was guilty of this behavior for a very long time. Now Im trying to change, and I can feel the difference. Still far from perfect, but I have a better understanding of it.

13

Re: communication and understanding

spending time with a prospective partner and actually living with them under the same roof sharing all ur probs together is totally diff.

i don't think understandings r developed though unless both r very flexible n compromising. u ought to find ppl that r ur level. going too high or too low brings probz.

4th ODI: Pakistan v South Africa at Abu Dhabi Nov 8, 2013 (15:00 local | 11:00 GMT)
14

Re: communication and understanding

^ agree...

look, i dont think we had that much of an understanding before getting married. But we had an indication that we could make it work watever life through at us. Thats the commitment we made to one another...

understanding takes time.. for some its a few months prcoess.. for others years.. And im probably in the later category. Its coming to about 4 years of marriage, Mashallah, and 5 years of knowing one another... but we're finally now at a point where we can say we do understand each other quite well. But, its still something that we're working on to get better at. Its not like, ok i finally understand u so thats that. We have to keep at it.. hoping to keep everything happy.

and i have to apologise... this thread isnt meant to make anyone feel bad about their marriage or anything. I want to learn how to make things better for myself. How other people have dealth with things. I was the first to get married in my very very very little circle so im always advising my young ones what not to do and say... but i guess everyone needs to learn their own way.. i dunno.

But apologies if i have offended anyone

15

its abt time we pl sud come out of this myth, no 2 ppl in this world can be on the same wave length its just a myth.
the thing that gets any relationship progressing in a cordial environment is .... finding a common ground , give n take , being mature enough to accept n accomodate eachother. no matter if the man n woman literally come frm 2 diff worlds , have diff tastes, diff ecucational backgrounds , diff languages ,diff cultures............. say even if there is nothing "apparently" compatible a relationship can be successful and interesting

and y wud u want to be with sum1 whose ur mirror image ?? where is the fun in that?

The Jail game
16

Re: communication and understanding

^ finding someone on the same wavelength, but no means indicates u want ur mirror image.

For me, it was quite an important thing to have... for others it may not be. And i respect that.

By no means were my hubby and i mirror images of each other. Brought up completely different.. lived different lives.. but at the end of the day, we wanted similar things in a marriage.

But it definately has taken time to get there. We both had to grow up... me especially. And open my eyes.

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Re: communication and understanding

btw, just a tangent concern that is it easy to communicate with extremely rich or extremely poor spouse?

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Re: communication and understanding

^ what has that got to do with communication?

once ur married, ur either rich with him/her or poor with him/her. U become equals.

19

Re: communication and understanding

well prior to marriage you have different activities, and it takes time to understand/adjust in any new environment. whereas if you are moving into a totally a different status circle then there is a definite division on how one thinks.

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Re: communication and understanding

yes there is division... but here (im assuming ur talking about arranged marriage), the parents ought to check out each others families and see can they really inter-mingle without making the other feel awkward?

If the parents are the ones arranging the rishta, then they ought to play the part well.

If its not arranged... then hey, the two should talk about the differences.

You will hardly find a relationship where there are no differnce in opinion. So, this would be another to work on

Getting married young???????