I went to my in-laws to pick up my wife the other day and whilst I was there my wife, mil and sil were discussing something. My sil was asking my wife how many clothes she needed and whether she would be ok ‘with her’ for a few days, at this point I pretty much figured that her daughter who is a toddler would be staying with us for the weekend. I didn’t mention anything and neither did anyone discuss it with me.
When me and my wife sat in the car she asked me whether something was wrong as I looked withdrawn so I mentioned that we have your neice in the back and a bag of clothes and other items in the car as well so I can guess that she is staying with us over the weekend and this is not an issue at all but when were you going to let me know.
At this point she told me to turn the car around and she will drop her off back home as obviously I have a problem with her coming over to our house, I refused to turn the car around and told her to stop changing the subject and why could she not use some common courtesy and let me know, the child is only a toddler so there is a degree of responsibility involved plus I may have made other plans aswell. She wasn’t having any of it and then said to me whether she should be a subservient wife and ask me before she does anything, I once again asked her to stop changing the subject and answer why she couldn’t just let me know, we even read namaz together and she still couldn’t tell me. She started crying and then we basically got busy with the child.
I would like to know whether me asking my wife just to let me know was asking for too much and maybe I was in the wrong to be notified? and also why is it all I said in the car is that essentially she should have let me know and goes into a major issue whereby we have to turn the car around.
The issue is over now but I was just thinking whether the problem was me
omg. you were discussing all this in front of her? u know kids can sense what's going on regardless of age.
2nd what is your problem. in every thread you open its about she should have asked me, told me , discussed with me. stop with that. when you are living together, not every permission is explicit. some things can be sensed.
3. you obviously did not have plans so stop playing the what if I had plans card.
it's not a big deal. keep your life simple. she is obviously attached to her neice. I don't see any problem.
She was asleep far before that thank God. But seriously though thank you for the answer, this is the reason I asked because when I think about it and if the dat played it self over I don't know whether I would have asked but regarding explicit permission I have to mention something I am going to do beforehand otherwise I get a mouthful.
She was asleep far before that thank God. But seriously though thank you for the answer, this is the reason I asked because when I think about it and if the dat played it self over I don't know whether I would have asked but regarding explicit permission I have to mention something I am going to do beforehand otherwise I get a mouthful.
Thanks again
If that's the case, then I don't see anything wrong with how you handled it.
If that's the case, then I don't see anything wrong with how you handled it.
I do. We can't control what other do or how they think but we do have the capacity to control our own reaction to whatever happens.
The same concern could have been expressed differently. "Babe I wanted to take you our for dinner/anything tonight/tomorrow/whenever. Just wanted to surprise you." Followed by a sad face. "We can probably do it some other time", sad face. I guess you could wait after that and talk about her letting you know about such things in advance. I can't think of a tactful way of saying that right now. Besides, she's your wife. You probably know how to work her better than anybody if you guys have been living together for a bit.
And you need to tell her you don't like getting a mouthful from her. She ought to keep her temper in check when communicating with you. She's your wife not your mommy and you deserve to be treated like an adult. But tit for tat won't solve anything.
In my case, there are times my husband is gone for literally 24 hours when he is on-call at work. If I knew for a fact that he will be on-call and not home the entire day, that would the ONLY time I would agree to watch someone's child (or make any other plans) without discussing with my husband. Otherwise, I would never agree to keep someone child at my home for the weekend (or even for a 1 entire day) without running it by my husband. My husband is the same way. It's a matter of courtesy. We both share the home and I don't invite anyone over (including my blood family) without making sure he's ok with it. And he gives me the same courtesy.
I went to my in-laws to pick up my wife the other day and whilst I was there my wife, mil and sil were discussing something. My sil was asking my wife how many clothes she needed and whether she would be ok 'with her' for a few days, at this point I pretty much figured that her daughter who is a toddler would be staying with us for the weekend. **I didn't mention anything **and neither did anyone discuss it with me.
So why did you keep your mouth shut when you heard the SIL make those comments? Why didn't you say something like "What are you guys talking about?" in a surprised voice and then turn to your wife in front of the SIL/MIL and say "Are we having guests over this weekend?"
She should have discussed with you before hand. Even though you over heard it, I am glad you didn't jump into the conversation b/w your wife and her sister as you would have appeared too nosy. I would have probably done the same. Your wife should have talked and discussed with you before making a final decision because it would effect both of your living situation, not just hers.
Anyways, Let it go and move on even though its her fault.
She should have discussed with you before hand. Even though you over heard it, I am glad you didn't jump into the conversation b/w your wife and her sister as you would have appeared too nosy. I would have probably done the same. Your wife should have talked and discussed with you before making a final decision because it would effect both of your living situation, not just hers.
Anyways, Let it go and move on even though its her fault.
Your wife pretty much does what she likes even though you may dislike it, shouldn't you get used to it by now?
p.s. yes she should've asked you before agreeing to it.
We have a couple of winners of the Internets today. Please do not trip while approaching the podium to accept your trophies.
Seems like your wife's sister asked her for this babysitting favor at the last minute and therefore she couldn't inform you about it well in advance. After all, you did say that this conversation took place when you came to pick your wife up. If at that time her sister was fully prepared and settled upon handing over her daughter to your wife, the latter may have thought that it would be too late at that point to seek your approval about it. However, if this is something that is happening often, then at a more convenient time you can try addressing this concern with your wife...without...looking "withdrawn" or tense or annoyed as that can send many spouses the message that you don't like their family...though that may very well be untrue. So, bring it up with her later on and tell her that while you appreciate that she is family-oriented, you would also like to have days during the week where just the two of you can spend time together or even time for oneself....and maybe come up with a schedule of how many days to allot for what....if it helps and if you feel this situation is a frequent occurrence.
Sometimes you'll find that it can be hard to get approval. I'll give you an example. I have relatives that live in another state. We may see them once or twice a year....which of course...is not as often as your wife sees her family. However, it's understood that they will be visiting us at least 1 or 2 times during their stay here and that it might even be a bit noisy with their kids around. But my mom doesn't seek dad's approval because he understands that it's a formality (thankfully a welcome one) that has to be fulfilled...it just has to be seen to. So sometimes it's good to seek approval before hand and other times...to maintain the peace and the rishtay...you just have to roll with it. Of course if it's a persistent problem, the. U address it.
She should have asked.
How come so many of these situations keep arising in your relationship? Why don't you sit and have a chat with her on the subject of making plans together?
She should have asked.
How come so many of these situations keep arising in your relationship? Why don't you sit and have a chat with her on the subject of making plans together?
I think from past threads, he says if he tries to speak with her, she gets upset and has emotional outbursts....emotional outbursts can make it hard to discuss anything rationally..
I think from past threads, he says if he tries to speak with her, she gets upset and has emotional outbursts....emotional outbursts can make it hard to discuss anything rationally..
True. Emotional outbursts do make it hard to discuss anything rationally.
But if you have one outburst, you try again. If you have a second outburst you start to look for other ways to communicate.
Perhaps you get a mediator involved; maybe you seek the help of a therapist.
The point is that unchecked relationships with improper communication, with ineffective goal-setting can become toxic very, very quickly.
She should have asked, and if there was an emergency situation where she had no choice but to say yes, then common courtesy was when hubby shows up, then let him know in front of others that honey my sister has a situation and we have to keep the baby with us.
Agar ask nahi kar sakti thi, tou bataa tou sakti thee naa.
I think the problem wasn't "what" you said, but "how" you said it. Try being a bit more diplomatic with your words next time. I find I can be overly sensitive about the words people (especially my hudband) use. As many others have mentioned, don't make it about "getting your permission". Instead, just ask her to give you some heads up so you can make sure your things are out away properly (i.e. Baby proofed the house). When you're married, you don't always ask permission but you make sure you communicate. If my parents wanted to come visit, I won't tell them "wait, I'll ask hubby if it's alright with him". I would agree and let my husband know at the earliest time possible. You do have to take it down a notch and maybe not come across as overbearing.
You had mentioned that you might have made other plans. But if that had been the case, you both would have made plans without consulting the other. Try treating her how you would like to be treated (not necessarily how you are actually treated). After all, you can't fight fire with fire.