ok another question kinda stemming from my previous post.
for guys ( and girls imagine your a guy)
what would you do, if you had to choose between ur parents or wife…i know it sounds bad, but what if ur putin that position, mostly by your wife..what would you do…
and im talking say moving , if your wife doesnt want to move, but u have to move where ur parents are…
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
If i were a guy, i wont ‘choose’. God chose me to be one’s son, I chose other to be my wife. SO no more choosing. I would try to harmonize.
pfff..how hard was that to put myself in that mold:phati:
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
If it has come to this, there is a serious problem with guy himself. Most likely, HE is not capable of building relationships.
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
as much as he is a son, he is also a husband, and its his duty to make sure his wife is happy and vice versa. life is about mutual repestc and compromise. without this two wheels will be pulled in seperate directions and no one will go anywhere.
ok another question kinda stemming from my previous post.
for guys ( and girls imagine your a guy)
what would you do, if you had to choose between ur parents or wife....i know it sounds bad, but what if ur putin that position, mostly by your wife..what would you do...
and im talking say moving , if your wife doesnt want to move, but u have to move where ur parents are......
Nadz, you already know the answer to this question...but you're trying to push your luck (hoping that we'll say something you want to hear).
This whole "CHOOSING" dilemma is what causes drama with in-laws in the first place. It doesn't matter if it's instigated by the MIL who asks her son to choose between his mom and his wife. And it doesn't matter if it's the wife who is asking him to choose between her and his mother. It's not right and it's not mature.
"Choosing" leaves no room for compromise. When you compromise, you try to reach a middle ground where the needs of opposing parties can be met somewhow. But "choosing" doen't allow for reaching that middle ground because it's an imposed "one or the other situation."
You mentioned that you have a brother and you'd like it if he would stay with his parents. How would you feel if he was asked to choose?
You can't impose "choosing" here because the relationships (MOM and WIFE) are so different from one another that it's like comparing apples to oranges. I doubt you'd feel comfortable if your husband asked you to pick between him and your parents. What decision would you take? Not only is this question unreasonable......it has the potential to strain a relationship........AND......this question is basically posed to manipulate/control a situation.
I understand that there are a few situations where such a question might be justified. For example...in those cases where the MIL is truly an abusive person whose toxic ways are wreaking havoc in a couple's life....destroying the wife's health....robbing her of peace of mind....hurting the children. And if the husband is either passive..........or apathetic.......or refusing to support his wife................and if it has gone on to the point that the marriage has become dysfunctional.............in thac scenario I can imagine a wife asking the husband to choose between her and his mom. Because it's an extreme situation where the person has become really frustrated.
^But your MIL seems alright. You don't have any major issues with her apart from her being a reserved and guarded woman.
You didn't have to marry him, Nadz. You knew about this living arrangement from the GET-GO. You knew that his family was in Pak. You know that he had stronger inclinations to settle in Pak and live with his parents. You knew you weren't keen on that idea. Geographical location is no small matter in a marriage....but you married him anyway. I could understand if this was all sprung on you out of the blue, but it wasn't. If you were so against it, you could have refused. But you have a child coming on the way....and you have to work this out with your husband. Asking him to "choose" is not the way to go about this.
^As I've told you before in the previous thread, there is A LOT of time before you make that "move". For all you know...his opinion could change...or perhaps you'll reach some sort of compromise.
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
if a guy can't balance between the two, he shouldn't even get married in the first place!If he thinks before marriage taht he may ever face that situation then these things need to make clear before the marriage so that both of them can be a on a same page and yes this one reason is a good enough reason to say no to rishta if a girl feels so strong about relocating!
oh well, I see this thread leading to "spouse is replaceable and parents are not" like the usual of life 1!!
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
wow.. how about you choosing between your parents and him?
Imagine when you are older and your son get's to make the same decision. What would you want him to do? Choose you or his wife?
As mentioned above.. "choosing" never works.. you already chose to marry him.. this is the part of the relationship that comes with the package.
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
One is a blood relation and other one is not . Go figure .
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
What happened to COMMUNICATION?
ALLAH does not give us something which we are unable to handle. There is a way in every situation, and it may take sacrifice but that's the point of a family, no?
Looking at it from all direction:
Parents: How can they be so selfish to keep their son all to themselves and ruin his life by breaking his marriage? If they're good parents this is just no possible. And if they are going to stand in between him and his future family, then he needs to rethink his priorities towards them.
Wife: Does she really plan on keeping the people who raised him for over 20 years away? Hope not, otherwise she's the one who needs to be let go! Further, how about she looks at his family as HER OWN for once, and think about the entire family and not just what she wants.
Husband: Is he missing a pair or something, because a real man could make both parties understand and find a middle where everyone is capable of putting on a fake smile and going on with life. And a real man will not jump to divorce because mommy and daddy said so!!
One is a blood relation and other one is not . Go figure .
Dude tum gher ky paly huy bachey take wife for granted.
dude woh bhi to tum logon ka kheyal rakhti heen,,, like your mom and sisters.
dude who bhi to kisi ka bacha hooteen heen.
and dude... eger who nah hoteen to blood relation na hoty..
It wont hurt to show them little curtsey too.
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
^ r u recently married or engaged?
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
No.
But like PCG I too believe in "I believe in dragons, good (wo)men, and other fantasy creatures."
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
I love PCG's signature "I believe in dragons, good men, and all other fairytale creature." It's funny....and even feels true at times.
Not a good sign. :nono:
Dude tum gher ky paly huy bachey take wife for granted.
dude woh bhi to tum logon ka kheyal rakhti heen,,, like your mom and sisters.
dude who bhi to kisi ka bacha hooteen heen.
and dude... eger who nah hoteen to blood relation na hoty..
It wont hurt to show them little curtsey too.
The OP said ''choose'' , so I made my choice . In no way I said that your wife is any less . But call me orthodox , rude or whatever , but in reality I can have a second wife but can't have another parents . No disrespect but thats what my rationality says .
Moral of the story : Never test your spouse .
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
Nadz...never make your man choose...because at some point the tides will turn and you will be in the same boat...he will make you choose.
Wouldnt you feel bad breaking your parents' hearts? He does too.
The OP said ''choose'' , so I made my choice . In no way I said that your wife is any less . But call me orthodox , rude or whatever , but in reality I can have a second wife but can't have another parents . No disrespect but thats what my rationality says .
Moral of the story : Never test your spouse .
Nomi, when you're actually put in the spot...walking away from your wife and kid is not as black and white as that. Because now you're a husband who is responsible for others. And those responsibilities pull at your heart strings too.
Yes, its an option to walk away from her if she makes you choose. However, it is the hardest choice you will ever make...and no matter what happens in life...you will never feel good about it. Even if you do khidmat of your parents your entire life...that choice will never feel satisfying.
So, no she should never put you in the spot where she makes you choose. Lekin if you are smart enough...you can be fair to her and not make her feel like she is being over ruled or ignored in your decisions.
She is your wife...your partner...your soul mate...mother of your kids...etc. She stands for a lot more than just a woman you married and have to live with. ;)
Everyone is giving pretty much the same advice - don't put your partner in a position where he has to choose, because his choice may not be the one you want him to make. You knew what he was thinking of doing/where he was thinking of living before you got married.
Expecting him to change his mind now is unfair and comes across as manipulative.
It's like the old story (I know there's a hadith, which escapes me right now), about the two women claiming the same child as their own. When the wazir offered to settle the matter by cutting the child in half, it was the real mother who spoke up and refused any harm to her child. Much like that here, if there are two interested parties in your husband (parents and the wife), the one who is not demanding and is self-sacrificing is the one whose love will be judged genuine and people tend to bend towards where they sense real love and concern.
no ones making me choose, def not him. it would be making him. not good.
Re: CHOOSING between parents and wife
Although guy/girl should not bring it to the point of "selection" but this is life and things happen.
A very close relative of mine (girl), was put into this situation by her husband where she had to choose b/w him or her family.
She took a bold step to live with him and she was cut off with her parents for almost 2 years (she is in west and parents in Pakistan). I was the only bridge b/w her and her family. For some reason her husband did not cut off this last link and allowed her to have normal relationship with me/my wife. Reason for doing all this? clash of his and her parents in Pakistan on totally unrelated matter (unrelated to her/her hubby).
Now that stupid has melted to the point where he has allowed her to talk to them on phone and visit them whenever visiting Pakistan but he himself does not talk to anyone in Susral.
and yes he is so called "educated" professional living in west for years and years...