When I was only 8 I we went to pakistan for a family holiday.From that time on till the time I got marriad i remember being sexually assaulted by a guy who my family had blind faith in.I hated going to pakistan and living in my own home coz he was always there.I never found the courage to tell my parents coz i was scared of what he would do to me and even if my parents would believe me.I felt sick when we d go to sleep hed come to our room and touch me id just lay there in silence with fear.When our plane would land id feel so safe just knowing he couldnt get to me.This whole thing has had such a big impact on my life and my relationship with my parents.I like being left alone I cant talk to anyone coz I was never straight with my parents in the first place.Every time the topic of abuse comes up I just leave the room and cry my eyes out.
I want to discuss WHY is it that in the asain community children r too scared and ashamed to tell their parents if someone is abusing them
Because it's a taboo subject, it's kind of like the pink elephant in the room which nobody talks about (especially if it happens to someone). Sometimes if it happens people tend to ignore it too. Alotta times it happens to kids and they don't even know it's happening to them, it's so traumatizing and scary, and they don't think anybody will believe them so they just keep quiet. People are scared of the family ties that may break, getting called a liar, etc. And most of all, what kind of proof do you have of something like that, anyway?
In your case, I don't blame you for being scared because everybody had so much blind faith in your relative. But now you're older and I think you should tell somebody about it so it doesn't happen to another kid in your family.
Also, it might effect your future relationships too. But seriously, talk to somebody, maybe a counselor or something. This is not something you should keep inside.
When I was only 8 I we went to pakistan for a family holiday.From that time on till the time I got marriad i remember being sexually assaulted by a guy who my family had blind faith in.I hated going to pakistan and living in my own home coz he was always there.I never found the courage to tell my parents coz i was scared of what he would do to me and even if my parents would believe me.I felt sick when we d go to sleep hed come to our room and touch me id just lay there in silence with fear.When our plane would land id feel so safe just knowing he couldnt get to me.This whole thing has had such a big impact on my life and my relationship with my parents.I like being left alone I cant talk to anyone coz I was never straight with my parents in the first place.Every time the topic of abuse comes up I just leave the room and cry my eyes out.
I want to discuss WHY is it that in the asain community children r too scared and ashamed to tell their parents if someone is abusing them
Chica,
Sexual abuse is often committed by someone the family trusts than a complete stranger.
You ask why children are too scared to tell their parents about abuse. Well, there are several reasons for this. It depends on the relationship between the child and parents. If fear is the foundation of this relationship......children will hesitate to trust and confide in their parents. Also......if the sexual abuse is committed by a relative (maternal or paternal grandparent or uncle or cousin etc)..........the child could fear that parents won't believe him/her. We tend to think better of our family members. ALSO......................................there ARE desi girls who HAVE told their mothers about the sexual abuse............BUT the mothers feel powerless because the perpetrator is a family member. If the offender is from the in-laws........a mother might feel even more hesitant to bring up the issue. Also............mothers worry about "log kya kahain gay" when it comes to their daughters. They don't want to prevent rishtas/proposals by giving the impression that their daugther is not pure.....for lack of a better word..............because there is such a demand for that quality in our culture.
It is sick.......I know. But I didn't make up the rules. These twisted hypocritical views in our desi society prevent us from progressing forward. They prevent us from helping victims. Some parents are absurdly strict with their daughters (preventing higher education, preventing socializing with friends, etc)...........because they don't want their girls to damage their reputations.........BUT when something like sexual abuse takes place.........it's surprising how even the most strict of parents will have a cowardly "hush hush" attitude. And then you have those parents who monitor their daughters like a hawk.........and have given their sons SO MUCH FREEDOM that they have no idea about the animals their sons might be turning into.
************ I don't mean to scare you. Not ALL parents are like that. If you don't talk to your parents (at least your mom).........how will you ever find out what their views are about this issue? For all you know, they could be supportive. They may not be able to undo the trauma you've endured..........but they might stop associating with the guy. If not your mom, is there a sister you can talk to?
If this is hurting you to the point that it's affecting your marriage........have you considered therapy or counseling?
my relationship with my parents was always strong untill the point when I felt ashamed and scared to tell them.
Chica, at one point you shared a strong relationship with your parents. So there must have been qualities in this relationship that made you perceive it as strong. Know what I mean? We don't refer to a relationship as strong if there's no solidarity to it.
So try to remember and focus on those qualities that made your relationship with your parents strong. Was it trust? Was is emotional support? Was it ease/comfort in communicating? Maybe that can help you get back on track.
You then mention that you started to feel ashamed and scared. What caused you feel this way? There have been times when MANY OF US have felt that our parents will have a strong negative reaction to something we tell them........only to be surprised by their strength and understanding. In other words.........sometimes our assumptions about others are self-created. We assume that a person (parents, sibling, friend, spouse, coworker, boss) will act in a certain way...........and sometimes our assumption is correct............and other times they are completely wrong.
So reflect over what makes you feel that your parents won't understand. Was it something they said that makes you think like this? Or is it your own fear and perception about your parents?
*molesters prey on innocensce and fear. best action to tell ur kids...if untoubles of ur body parts are touched, come s straight to me and i'll see to it that it never happens again. thats my sincere advice. *
I was kinda scared of what people would think and how my family would react.at the time I felt sick and wondered WHY me I always asked my self this and then came a point when I blamed my self and thats when I it all went wrong I blamed my self and let him bully me.It only ever stopped when got marriad.
my relationship with my parents was always strong untill the point when I felt ashamed and scared to tell them.
Chica,
You said that your relationship with your parents was "always strong." We don't say that about relationships that don't have solidarity to them. Focus on THOSE qualities that made you perceive your relationship with your parents as "strong." What made it strong? Was it the mutual trust? Was is mutual support? Was it ease of communication? Instilling of self-respect and confidence? Reflecting over the qualities that made your bond with your parents a strong one might help you get back on track.
Secondly, reflect over why you feel ashamed and scared to tell them. When we believe a relationship to be strong.......then ideally there shouldn't be fear. SO.......was there something that your parents did or said that made you think that they won't understand you? Or is this just your own assumption. MANY OF US........if not ALL OF US...........have assumed that our parents/siblings will react negatively...........only to be surprised at the strength and understanding that our families can show us.
You know your family better than I do. So you have to examine whether your assumptions about your parents' failure to understand are stemming from your own perceptions and fears................or whether your parents have actually shown you that they are not open to communication. If this is stemming from YOUR own perceptions....................then how will you ever find out your parents' views on this issue if you don't talk to them, right?
If you're absolutely certain that your parents won't understand.......how about a sister? Or friend? Therapist?
If this pervert is not stopped or questioned..........there will be more victims.
You think to yourself "Why me?" "Why did he pray on me?".....................BUT CHANCES ARE...........you're not the only victim. There could be several girls whom he has hurt and perhaps they are staying quiet out of fear. And the fear and silence strengthens the pervert....it only motivates him to strike again.
I was kinda scared of what people would think and how my family would react.at the time I felt sick and wondered WHY me I always asked my self this and then came a point when I blamed my self and thats when I it all went wrong I blamed my self and let him bully me.It only ever stopped when got marriad.
**
i ampathesie with u and my message was for u to tell ur kids that so it never happens again. its too late for u but u can prepare ur kids better. wish u and ur family all the best :)**
if I posted why I cant tell my parents u guyz would know what itz really like.
Why can't you tell your parents? You once shared a strong relationship with them. Did something happen to change the relationship?
Is the offender a "trusted" family relative that your parents have a lot of faith in?
Do you know of anyone else in your family BESIDES YOURSELF who hates the offender? Maybe that person could be the starting point for you.
Have you attempted to tell your parents about this abuse? If so, how did they react?
I’m so sorry to hear what you had to go through. That kutta of a man needs to have
The thing is CG do you blame your parents for letting this happen to you.
You were so young and felt so threatened as that’s what the molester wanted you to feel like.The molester
As most people have suggested, I would also agree, go see a counselor. You need to start Getting your CONTROL back.
Dont let that man destroy and take it from you for life. I know its the most hurtful experience there is. BUT YOU NEED to GET YOURSELF to such a STRONG point that
Join a group let it out. Educate others>Do SOMETHING That will make you feel EMPOWERED. GEt your CONTROL back. Talk to your mother..but I do suggest you talk to your school or college counselor.They will guard your privacy. Don’t be afraid anymore.Don’t let anger eat you up. Start loving yourself again.It was Not YOUR fault, neither do any Parents want that to happen to their kids.They may just not know.
I wish you all the luck and most of all wish you courage to start getting the control back:hugz:
It’s so sad that you had to go through all that..I don’t normally give bud duas but I sure hope he rots in hell.
I can understand it is difficult to talk to parents because the person is a close relative and may damage many relationships, but I agree with others that keeping silent may give him license to do this to other children. You mentioned it is easier for you to write about it, maybe you can inform your parents in writing..that way might even be comfortable to you.
CG I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Not that this is meant to be a consolation for you, but you wouldn't believe how many girls are molested by these pervs! I know at least two cases, including myself. And of course neither of us told anyone but each other. For me, it was an older boy who lived next door... I was 8 or 9 when that happened.. I honestly can't even post what happened here b/c of how painful it is to even think about.
The other girl that I know was molested by her father's brother. She's very close to her mother, but didn't say anything to her because even at such a young age, she knew something like this would create a lot of problems in the house.. between her parents.
I think we kept these things to ourselves because things like that are unheard of in our culture. Talking about sex or even a girl's own body is taboo in most of our culture. So right from the beginning there's a communication hurdle, no matter how close you are to your parents.. we just don't have the words to describe something like this without it being even more painful for us. Parents need to know how common it is for girls to be molested. I honestly think that girls who are molested are a majority not a minority. It's important to tell the girls that these actions are not acceptable.. doesn't matter if he's a good friend or even a relative! If I have any daughters of my own, I'll arm them with the knowledge and the words to tell me if God forbid something like this ever happened to them.
chicagirl be strong and tell that to your parents not only the incident but most importantly how did you feel about the relationship with them and you will emerge stronger from it.
When I was only 8 I we went to pakistan for a family holiday.From that time on till the time I got marriad i remember being sexually assaulted by a guy who my family had blind faith in.I hated going to pakistan and living in my own home coz he was always there.I never found the courage to tell my parents coz i was scared of what he would do to me and even if my parents would believe me.I felt sick when we d go to sleep hed come to our room and touch me id just lay there in silence with fear.When our plane would land id feel so safe just knowing he couldnt get to me.This whole thing has had such a big impact on my life and my relationship with my parents.I like being left alone I cant talk to anyone coz I was never straight with my parents in the first place.Every time the topic of abuse comes up I just leave the room and cry my eyes out.
I]I want to discuss WHY is it that in the asain community children r too scared and ashamed to tell their parents if someone is abusing them*
That's because there are many parents out there who think its not appropriate to talk to their kids about stuff like this. Our people think they'll be taking the innocence away from the child by giving him/her extra knowledge & worse of all they think its never going to happen to their child.
Chicagurl you are married now. Someday InshaAllah you are going to have kids of your own. For their sake you should tell your mom & take it from there. You need to boldly get it out of you so later on you could confidently teach your kids about all this stuff.
There is nothing to be ashamed off. It was not your fault. Couple of girls I know have gone through this. Unfortunately all the times it was either a family member or a very close friend of the family. Remember its not you who is on the fault. Its that filthy man & trust me once you talk to at least one person about this you'll feel like this burden being lifted off your shoulders. You'll be more confident when you talk to men & you'll learn to trust that not all of them are bad. It'll change your relation with husband as well. Also there is no harm in getting some therapy done so you could take it all out.
Apart from the stigma attached to it, a lot of us as kids are taught that elders/adults are always right and encouraged not to question them even if we believe what they're doing is wrong. There's a very distinct hierachy in desi culture and it's hard for ppl to challenge things because of it. Often, the older person tends to be believed more whilst the child is labelled a liar or a troublemaker. This makes it easy for people to get away with all sorts of things that are blatantly wrong :( Like redvelvet said tho, if u don't speak out, chances are the abuser will carry this on with other children as long as he can. I've read of cases where older sisters haven't been able to speak out about sexual abuse but then realised that when the same thing is about to or already happening to their younger siblings or cousins summon up the courage to tell someone or go to the police. Agree with Bint_e_Naeem, if u can find the strength to confide in someone u'll find like a huge burden has been lifted off ur shoulders. If it still affects u deeply pls also consider counselling.
