I posted it on FB and some ppl asked that I should share it here again.
This is therapy for me to deal with the PDSD, post desi stress disorder after going to a desi restaurant for iftar.
You may have run across different other characters so add on if you want.
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
The Archelogist: in the biryani tray, there is one thigh, and this champ will not give up until he discovers it, he will slice and dice the rice, making intricate patterns and his hands work with the grace of a surgeon and the efficiency of earth moving equipment, and the sharp eye of a condor. Unfulfilled potential… NSA should duct tape his ass to a satellite and give him binoculars, he will locate any wanted ppl faster than any modern technology
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
The wizard: this individual believes in the “you shall not pass” approach. Ppl in the line behind him be damned, he will hold his ground, not conceding an inch, and will instead distribute plate fills to his family and friends who will keep coming to him. Unfulfilled potential… 1- military cavalry general, he will hold his ground 2- Brazilian soccer team central defender
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
I went to a Uni buffet once, had these dudes next to me. They were using their used spoons to dip into the salan bowl. A bit gross. And all their chabai hui hadyaan were lined up next to my plate, till I changed places :hinna:
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
The ninja- this lady will try to either sweet talk you if she is young or do an overkill of grandmotherly asking for help, to jump ahead in line, make you get her the last pieces of kebab. Unfulfilled potential: 1- priceline negotiator 2- corporate espionage
The Jeweler- This individual really believes in quality over quantity…sadly sometimes both. His mission in life is to inspect items as he is taking them out and if any item does not meet his expectations, it goes back in. it could be with naaan…or other objects. It includes breaking pieces of meat in the serving try to determine how well done they are or how tender..and thus sparing everyone else the effort to do the same, at times this would happen with items he has already placed on his plate, and in that case they go back in the serving tray. unfulfilled potential- deBeers company head of merchandise.
The juggernaut- well…the juggernaut does not believe in concepts such as lines, queues etc..juggernaut is not concerned with disapproving looks or even statements..juggernaut will force himself wherever and whenever he pleases..takes what he wants and goes. Juggernaut often has battles of will with the wizard, because the wizard controls the magic key…aka the serving spoon, but juggernaut will use his own spoon in such cases or spoons from other items. if you see rice in nihari tray, or daal makhani in biryani tray, you know there is a juggernaut around. unfulfilled potential- NFL or rugby player.
The teleporter- This person appears out of nowhere and then swiftly disappears and appears at a different place. before you can 'weren’t you just there.." he is gone again..very swift surgical strikes on all items…especially on item going fast, while you stand in line looking at the samosas slowly disappearing and calculating if there will be any by the time you get there…the teleported will appear, take a bunch and disappear. unfulfilled potential- commando strike force
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
The contrarian- why do you think the line starts at the end where they have plates, why wouldn’t i just get a plate and then start the the opposite end and work my way down, this person will give you either a confused look or glare when you run into each other at the line, as if you are in the wrong, unfulfilled potential- government bureaucrat
The Hive- its less of a person, but more of a herd of people, mostly ladies, who are not quite a line, and you are not really sure of the exact composition of the hive, because ppl appear to be joining and leaving this hive simultaneously..all you know is that the hive is not only discussing everything from food, and who is taking what and why, to the event, to everything unrelated that in your view can be discussed elsewhere and is non value add yip yap, but they have to do it right then and right there, without moving. often a full try of food disappears when the hive moves away..unfulfilled potential- 1) morning talk show panel, 2) flash mob
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
LOL.
Uncles with massive tids do this, use their girth for advantage.
characters seen at a desi buffet…
These are golden!!!
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
you should add yours KC
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
The Quality Assurance Inspector…This person oh so lovingly goes over the entire tray of naan, looking for the choicest, perfect piece with their hand, bypassing use of the tongs…just after scratching the cold sore/fever blister on their lip. (Eye witness account from the battlefield)
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
The baffled, overwhelmed mother: uses her unruly, wailing-at-the-highest-decible-ever-recorded-in-humans baby as a mechanism to disperse crowd near food table…unless or until she encounters other seasoned ladies who have learned to train their ears to vicious noise through a lifetime of child-rearing in which case there is showdown between advice-a-thons and whine-a-thons. (I am kidding about the latter part!..actually I am kidding about the whole thing). But why o why must desi congregations always have a kid that would simply not shut up.
Luckily, I rarely go to desi gathering…yeah yeah self-hater I iz.
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
badtameez bhooki awam ko khana laga lagaya milayga to yehi expect ker saktay hain…even the educated ones do it so unperh se kya keh saktay ho.
it shows the “character” of this qaum, whether u like it or not. apni auqat pe uter jatay hain sab
only a camera at every corner of the table can maybe keep them in check a little
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
The concentration camp survivors: The gusto with which they run towards the food, the frantic effort to amass as much food in a plate, the pushing and shoving to dislodge (literally) the “competition”, the hollering to the kith and kin to join in, can only be the latent remnants of the fears they encountered during their homeless, foodless days in some camp of boko haram or whoever is loathed these days.
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
The Godfather- wait a minute, there is no sheermaal left at the serving stations, how the hell is he getting platterfulls delivered to his table by the staff. He is usually the really important friend of the hosts, or can be someone who smooth talked the catering manager earlier with visions of other grand events that need to be catered soon. hey is not standing in any lines…buffet? ha… he will get everything delivered to his table.
unfulfilled potential- obviously… the mob, VP of sales
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
I attend very few gatherings where food is served as its painful to watch seemingly reasonable people behave as mentioned in this thread. In the occasional unavoidable ones, I eat from other people’s leftovers. It may sound like another extreme, but this is my way to show the disgust and anger I feel.
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
Awesome film material
The Sith Lord - he is the guy who is there with his gora friend. His job is to guide his gora friend morsel to morsel, and provide him with a PhD level of knowledge regarding desi cuisine. He will stay in front of every dish, and give his gora friend a long insight (often a BS) about the history, ingredient, cooking method and much unnecessary crap.
Later, you will find the Sith Lord with his caucasian apprentice at the table, teaching him the intricate trickeries of how to eat chicken karahi with naan, in other words, completely embrassing an otherwise intelligent and capable adult in front of two dozen people, by teaching him how to eat solid food. Not to mention that after every bite his friend is going to take, he will throw a weird laughter and will ask him - ‘so, is it too hot for you?’, followed by a bragging claim of how we desis eat very very hot food - like it’s some kind of world championship going on.
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
Lol…well glad I’m not the only one.
The I’m too lazy to get up. Will not get up themselves to get food…but will order another person around with their specifications and cause a commotion in the whole line due to their inability to grasp the fact that if they’re gonna be so specific they should get up themselves…the lines are long and people are behaving weird enough already…and really the foods not that great either. They’ll shamelessly send people back and forth and yes sometimes I’m that girl stuck between aunties 
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
The smart ass- This guy has it all figured out, and while the clans are battling it out on the battlefields of main course, he is totally relaxed and having his pick of the dessert, sipping on a nice cup of tea or coffee. by the time he is done with his relaxed cup of tea, the battles at the food buffet have slowed down, and he can go get stuff without battling it out with the other characters. you will see him stroll up with a nice plate of dessert assortment, and he will go and get a nice plate of food and enjoy his food. his arch nemesis is the squatter who can mess his plan up, but while the dessert wars are heating up, he is enjoying his meal with a nice desert waiting for him. unfulfilled potential- startup founder
Re: characters seen at a desi buffet…
The ultimate Momin - he will refuse to use silverware, no matter what he is eating: biryani, haleem, kheer - you name it. For him, using hands to eat will make him a better Muslim than not to disgust people on his table with his hands coated with oil, rice, raita and dripping curry all the way up to his wrist. He will finish it off by wiping his hands with the white table cloth and a loud burp.