Is it realistic to expect to marry someone who wouldn’t have a problem with who you are?
I personally feel like I have put in a lot of time and energy into straightening myself out and really happy with who I am now. I am not perfect, I know. I know what I lack. A person can most definitely find that stuff annoying, but nothing in the person-that-I-am is wrong. If someone finds what I hold to be my core to be wrong, I know we’re incompatible.
Happily married folks, how much of what was important to you have you changed since getting married because of disagreements with your partner? And what were those things?
I think it's realistic to expect to find someone who accepts you the way your are. I think the key to this is getting to know the person and being honest about who you are and what is important to you from the beginning. I think most problems arise because people think they have to behave a certain way to find a spouse and aren't themselves while getting to know the person and only reveal their actual personality and expectations after marriage.
However, I also think there's a difference between personality and who people are at their core and lifestyle habits and preferences. Problems with a person's personality and core values usually indicate lack of compatibility. From personal experience though, I think that after marriage, it's necessary to make certain adjustments in terms of lifestyle and habits.
... there's a difference between personality and who people are at their core and lifestyle habits and preferences. Problems with a person's personality and core values usually indicate lack of compatibility. From personal experience though, I think that after marriage, it's necessary to make certain adjustments in terms of lifestyle and habits.
^^ This.
It is realist to believe you can find someone who loves your personality and your core believes and wouldn't ask you to change that. BUT like Mezhgan said lifestyle habits will be something that MIGHT need to be compromised.
Changed everything that was once important to me. I mean everything..
I have read your post before about having changed a lot for your marriage. I am sure that is not easy at all. Through it all though, you seem like a strong person, who hasn't just given everything up. You seem to have been mindful about the compromises.
I took it to mean (correct me if I'm wrong) something like:
If you're not okay with wearing sleeveless because you fundamentally believe it's wrong (just an example), you shouldn't have to compromise that because you're spouse wants you to you. Whereas, maybe you sleep super late before marriage but your spouse doesn't; sleeping habits are usually something that can be changed and compromised on.
In terms of habits, I'm referring to how one goes about doing things on a daily basis and other daily preferences.
Examples:
- Being a morning person and waking up super early vs. sleeping in a bit later
- Going out all weekend vs. spending time at home
- Being methodical and organised at home vs. a more relaxed approach
- Eating out quite often vs. cooking at home
Meaning...let's say...you love Friday nights out with the girls. Its a habit but he wants to spend Friday nights with you. Would you be open to switching that to some other day with your friends?
In terms of habits, I'm referring to how one's about doing things on a daily basis and other daily preferences.
Examples:
- Being a morning person and waking up super early vs. sleeping in a bit later
- Going out all weekend vs. spending time at home
- Being methodical and organised at home vs. a more relaxed approach
- Eating out quite often vs. cooking at home
phew.
I am happy to work on those things to find a happy medium. Of course, things like being neat 24/7 would be difficult to manage for me. But I have no problem trying.
Meaning...let's say...you love Friday nights out with the girls. Its a habit but he wants to spend Friday nights with you. Would you be open to switching that to some other day with your friends?
Happy to make those adjustments. I hope I marry someone with whom I want to spend my Friday evenings/every evening after a long day/week.
Changed everything that was once important to me. I mean everything..
I guess this is a personal question, but of the stuff you don't mind sharing, what did you change? I don't know whether I could give up my love for my parents, like if the guy hated my parents and they were really sweet to him, I don't think i could have it in me to change that about myself for him. Family and visiting family atleast once a year is important to me.
I guess this is a personal question, but of the stuff you don't mind sharing, what did you change? I don't know whether I could give up my love for my parents, like if the guy hated my parents and they were really sweet to him, I don't think i could have it in me to change that about myself for him. Family and visiting family atleast once a year is important to me.
My identity for the most part. I have no idea who I am and I am not trying to discover myself or anything. I was very sure of who I was and what I wanted out of life before. I can't be specific without it becoming too personal to share unfortunately. It is a bunch of sacrifices plus misplaced responsibilities, clash of culture and personalities. The end result of all that is now my world exists inside my head, there is no letting in for anyone. My husband thinks I don't let him in either. He is probably right. I have been burnt one too many times to care for the relationships like I used to. People come in your life to teach you a lesson.
My identity for the most part. I have no idea who I am and I am not trying to discover myself or anything. I was very sure of who I was and what I wanted out of life before. I can't be specific without it becoming too personal to share unfortunately. It is a bunch of sacrifices plus misplaced responsibilities, clash of culture and personalities. The end result of all that is now my world exists inside my head, there is no letting in for anyone. My husband thinks I don't let him in either. He is probably right. I have been burnt one too many times to care for the relationships like I used to. People come in your life to teach you a lesson.
Are you happy though? Because you changed your whole self, shut out people and you've totally closed yourself up....all of that will eventually cause some sort of health problems or depression. Take care of yourself.
My identity for the most part. I have no idea who I am and I am not trying to discover myself or anything. I was very sure of who I was and what I wanted out of life before. I can't be specific without it becoming too personal to share unfortunately. It is a bunch of sacrifices plus misplaced responsibilities, clash of culture and personalities. The end result of all that is now my world exists inside my head, there is no letting in for anyone. My husband thinks I don't let him in either. He is probably right. I have been burnt one too many times to care for the relationships like I used to. People come in your life to teach you a lesson.
Are you happy though? Because you changed your whole self, shut out people and you've totally closed yourself up....all of that will eventually cause some sort of health problems or depression. Take care of yourself.
I have already been sick a few times. I don't blame anyone for my identity crisis or anything I go through. Everything that has happened, happened because I allowed it to happen. Marriage is hard work especially for someone like me who thinks very differently than most people about culture, religion, and gender roles. I don't do well with confrontations and family feuds. I hate conflicts, I would rather pull away than engage.