Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

This.

It's the first thing I'd look into. However, if you've got this aspect covered as you say you do, then I don't think there's anything I can tell you that you haven't already thought of.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

thanks so much for your advice guys...now I can confirm that it really isn't normal that my husband watches porn/checks out women so much...and that i'm just not a paranoid wife (like my husband tells me I am). When I first found out about the fact that he watches porn, I wasn't too upset. I did get upset however when I realized he does it every time I go out and he is home alone. Combine that with him checking out girls that I've noticed since our honeymoon (can you believe that?) I didn't find this normal. Not just that but the beginning of our marriage, he would comment on every "actress" that came on TV, how "hot" she was and told me I should do my hair like hers, and dress like her etc. This really hurt. I had an arranged marriage and every girl walks into a marriage thinking her husband will worship her and praise her...at least in the beginning right? Therefore since the beginning he would degrade me, and tell me to look like someone I'm not... and my confidence was shattered.

I don't have a problem with guys looking at girls, nor with my husband looking either. In the beginning of marriage when I noticed him looking, I was like whatever. However I noticed he does this to EVERY young girl that walks near him. I look at pretty girls all the time and love pointing them out to whoever I'm with. However husband does it to every girl...it's like hard to go anywhere without it happening because there is girls everywhere right? When i talked to him about it and let him know he does this all he says is "i Don't!" and walks away from the room. When I point it out at the store when he does it in front of him, he still acts like I said the craziest thing to him, and I'm paranoid, and proceeds with "what girl?" (while looking around)

Now that he knows that he can't look because he will get caught...everytime we go to a store and a young girl walks even far ahead of him, he starts to act really weird and nervous and takes out his cell phone or walks the other way, or starts talking jibberish stuff while looking me in the eye even though we are walking side by side. And even though he isn't looking I can tell he is getting nervous because she walked in front of him.

I told him, that I don't have a problem with you looking at girls, like if a supermodel walked in front of you, I wouldn't get mad if you were staring, but its the fact that you do it to EVERY SINGLE GIRL!!! Okay i look at guys as well, but only if the guy is like right in front of me, when I walk into a store, I don't immediately notice the "hot guy" all the way on the other side, however my husband does with women. He scans everywhere wherever we go and then avoids her or acts nervous. My point is, why is "girls" always on your mind? when we are going out why can't you just enjoy the time you are with your wife??? man I'm like writing this while in tears...this is too hard I hate it.

Our sexual life is great. Because I have self esteem issues, I have started to never say "no" to him. I know we don't have intimacy issues for sure.

The people that have said that watching porn is just a sexual need for men after marriage? Okay, but what if we do it? Women have sexual needs just the same as men. How would they feel if we whipped out our pleasure toys and masturbated while looking at naked men? Isn't it the same thing? Why can't we do that? It's a double standard.

Bottom line is, My problem with my husband is the fact that his habit hurts me soo much that it really is that hard for him to stop even though its causing me pain. Either he doesnt' care about my feelings and likes his habit and won't stop, or he cares but he just can't stop. Either way there are lies invovled in this relationship to cover his problems up, I'm not happy with this man. If he can't stop for the past 3 years, he won't stop in the future. I either have to leave him or just accept the fact that this is the guy that I married.

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If you think your expectations are logical and they have been shared, and the other person either does not meet them or thinks your valid expectations are not logical or realistic, then you can either live with status quo, change expectations, continue trying to make the other person change, or walk away. It's all up to you.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman masturbating btw (neither does the hubband). Every person is different and every couple is different.

Im going to put down a few thoughts in my head I am just thinking out loud so not everything will make sense.

Men don't really mix sex with emotion it is two seperate entities in their brains ( as far as I know and understand) so first I think he does love you and wants to do the right thing - you said he tries hard to not look at these women around you etc and gets nervous trying not to do it and control himself deep down I think he is trying to do what you say.

However I don't think his actions are forgivable not the watching porn bit but the lies and denial and also I don't think he actually respects you as a person.

I also think he may have issues, like deeper psychological issues. He seems to see women only as a sexual entity and people who do not deserve respect and thats just wrong.

What was his upbringing like? Was it very strict/restrictive, was there any abuse or sexual abuse? What were his mum and sisters like? How did his dad treat his mum?

Also I have noticed that lots of desi men see their wives as pure non sexual beings - almost as mothers for some reason so they take out all their sexual desires on other women they dont care about because sex is dirty and thats how they were bought up.

I think he needs therapy of some sort.

Also - just saying 'yes' is not always a good sex life. Every human has fantasies and thats ok. It does not mean you don't love each other. Sometimes during sex its ok to put on a persona to make it more fun. Ask him if there anything he would enjoy more and tell him what you enjoy.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

I don't think he had any issues growing up he had a healthy childhood. However his mom grew him up as very "homely" like so he was always introverted when it came it the social world.

As far as being nervous and looking down, he only does that when I'm next to him. I've caught him numerous times looking at girls when I'm far away looking at other things and he thinks im busy and feels I can't see him. So it's all for show.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Pakieyez, thanks for the extra info. If I had to guess, and I could be totally wrong, this is a habit he had way before you guys were married. So that answers some part of what I proposed before. I think to save your marriage, you guys should definitely have the "talk" and let him know how serious you are and how it's effecting you and your marriage. He needs to know. Once he accepts that it's a psychological issue, I'd admit you and your husband to an Islamic marriage counselor if you can find one. Maybe if he's a lalloo you can tell his mom and he'll listen to her.

If he doesn't accept it as a serious issue, you clearly have your answer. The man will never respect you if he doesn't now. I'm pretty shocked he did it during your honeymoon, though. That should have put up some major red flags.

Just ignore the advice about masturbating being okay, doing the same thing to him, etc. You seem like a very logical and rational person so just remember that you're a Muslim and don't take advice from those who contradict our beliefs. :)

Best of luck to you and your husband.

Wasalaam

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

So agar main porn daikhta hu or larkiyu ko taarrta hu tu mere waldain ko mujhe jaaidad se aaq kar dena chahye :smokin:

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Such profound advice !!!:hoonh:

Do you seriously think that she does not know it is upto her to decide what to do with her life.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Just a thought why dont you join him in watching porn and checking out other guys. If that does not stop his wayward attitude, I dont know what will.

Please do not take a hasty decision.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

From some of the advice I see here, I am ashamed to say that this is supposedly a Muslim forum populated by Pakistanis (from a country created for Islam.) I am hearing things like watching porn is not a big deal, or you should do it too just to piss him off. I mean wow. How is that different from a kafir's advice? Have we really become that modernized? This is what scares me about living in the west. The "liberal" mindset. The answer lies in the taqwa and haya of eyes. Your husband has lost that haya and he needs to work on it..plus everything else I told you about the addiction. Please don't listen to the shameless liberals who tell you it's ok or you should do it too. It is haram for him and haram for you. Haram for him to look at girls and haram for you too look at guys no matter how "HOT" they may be. It is true that a man's nature will cause him to have his share of staring no matter how hard he tires, however, there is a point when it becomes abnormal.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

While I agree with your sentiment about watching porn/excessive ogleing NOT being okay, please don't think it's limited to the West or liberal attitides. The lack of sharam and haya is pretty prevalent in Pakistan as well. Especially the khatoons who find it perfectly acceptable to walk around in a thin, light colored lawn shalwar kameez without so much as a slip to conceal their bras and then get upset when men stare at them. In fact, I would say the staring and salacious nazars are the worst in Pakistan then anywhere else.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

while I share khattichic's sentiment I wanted to reconfirm what you are suggesting in the bolded part.....

are you suggesting that no matter how hard a man tries, he is forced, by nature, to ogle women and because this is part of his inherent nature, a certain amount of said "staring" is permissible?

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

This...

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

I am not asking anyone to be perfect here. So yes there is going be some staring no matter how hard you try. And yes what I said about a man's nature is true. Prophet SAW said do not follow one glance with another. So that first glance is going to be there. That is quite different from the "ogle' you refer to. I am making my suggestions based on reality as a man and practically from an Islamic point of view. Allah tells men and women to lower their gaze and also tells women to cover their beauty. When either of the sexes fail in doing this, you will have fitna in society. So no i don't authority to say what is "permissible" and what is not, but I don't think Islam asks to be perfect either. We should always be trying to raise our level of Taqwa. What concerns me is when we begin to justify our sins instead of changing ourselves we want to change the deen. Yes people do sin in Pakistan but they don't try to philosophize how what they did is "o.k" but try to hide it. That is much less dangerous than trying to justify. That's what the Jews and Christians have done.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

I thought "Do not follow one glance with another" meant that if one accidently or by chance notices someone of the opposite sex to not follow that glance up with another. Never took it to mean that it is a man's nature to stare and most certainly disagree with that sentiment that is man's nature to stare.

There is most certainly a difference between a glance that falls on a person and staring/ogling a person.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

May be he is not satisfied with his wife and he finds this way to satisfy his needs.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Perhaps a more appropriate hadith to quote would have been this

“Allaah has decreed for every son of Adam his share of zina, which he will inevitably commit. The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the tongue is speaking, one may wish and desire, and the private parts confirm that or deny it.”Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5889; Muslim, 2657
Hadith is self expalnatory. So the private parts confirm or deny. Prophet saw is not making it halal but is saying it will happen every man will have his share. What you do to protect and limit yourself is what matters and private parts will cinfirm means u will follow through that desire and commit zina or deny meaning u will fear allah and back off

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

"The people that have said that watching porn is just a sexual need for men after marriage? Okay, but what if we do it? Women have sexual needs just the same as men. How would they feel if we whipped out our pleasure toys and masturbated while looking at naked men? Isn't it the same thing? Why can't we do that? It's a double standard. "

lol this. i dont get why its acceptable for men to express their overly active sex drive but if women say yeah they wana check out guys/be with a different guy all the time/find other men attractive ...well she's a h** and a sl** and eww thats so gross. double standard indeed.

also....you have to realize...what your husband does has nothing to do with you. even if he was married to KATRINA KAIF, i promise you, he woulda done the same thing!! he's just addicted to excess...he finds every woman attractive...like someone else said...he's lost the hayya/taqwa/iman/fear of Allah...but he's gona go to his grave and he'll suffer the consequences. Have some faith..Ignore him but dont let it affect your self esteem and thinking. and if you really cant figure out what u wana do (whether leave him, or accept him or try to change him), just keep doing istikhara. gluck

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Men have at the least 10x more testosterone than women. Ten being the least. It ranges from 10-100x, and again, 10 being the least on average.

With that in mind, how can anyone begin to even compare men and women in that aspect? Yeah personally I've known plenty kinky and sex-driven women in my life, many that would even throw themselves onto men they just met. This is where self control comes into play. Some women have less self control while some men have more, and vice versa. Regardless, this is a scientific fact about how our bodies differ chemically.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

If you think your husband's addiction is going to destroy your marriage then get marriage counselling.