Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years
No, "porn" is NOT, and I repeat NOT, merely "escapism". You want escapism? Go play World of Warcraft or find another hobby. There are a billion other ways to escape something you're unhappy with. Resorting to porn and allowing an addiction clearly says there's a malfunctioning sexual relationship between a couple unless they both consented to it -- which in this case, it's not the story. So yes, it does in fact take two hands to clap. If you're going to entirely blame someone for something they did in a relationship, then you haven't learned much about responsibility in life yet. The circumstances under which this wouldn't apply might possibly be something as extreme as the partner being a total psychopath who did such a superb job of acting normal for several years and then decided to one day blow the other partner's brains out with an assault rifle. But that's not the case.
Pornography leads to masturbation. Masturbation leads to a heightened sex drive. A heightened sex drive will lead to thoughts of engaging in sexual activity with other people. The thoughts of engaging in sexual activity with other people eventually leads to the next phase of actually committing yourself into performing adultery. Obviously this person has no self-control. Yes, he needs to correct himself but one cannot deny what could have possibly contributed to this in the first place.
I will say it again. A marriage without a healthy sex life is a failed marriage and it falls upon BOTH partners in any marriage to ensure they both remain physically attractive to the other. This is both fair and in my opinion, a moral obligation, since someone has committed their entire life to just you.
No, "porn" is NOT, and I repeat NOT, merely "escapism". You want escapism? Go play World of Warcraft or find another hobby. There are a billion other ways to escape something you're unhappy with. Resorting to porn and allowing an addiction clearly says there's a malfunctioning sexual relationship between a couple unless they both consented to it -- which in this case, it's not the story. So yes, it does in fact take two hands to clap. If you're going to entirely blame someone for something they did in a relationship, then you haven't learned much about responsibility in life yet. The circumstances under which this wouldn't apply might possibly be something as extreme as the partner being a total psychopath who did such a superb job of acting normal for several years and then decided to one day blow the other partner's brains out with an assault rifle. But that's not the case.
Pornography leads to masturbation. Masturbation leads to a heightened sex drive. A heightened sex drive will lead to thoughts of engaging in sexual activity with other people. The thoughts of engaging in sexual activity with other people eventually leads to the next phase of actually committing yourself into performing adultery. Obviously this person has no self-control. Yes, he needs to correct himself but one cannot deny what could have possibly contributed to this in the first place.
I will say it again. A marriage without a healthy sex life is a failed marriage and it falls upon BOTH partners in any marriage to ensure they both remain physically attractive to the other. This is both fair and in my opinion, a moral obligation, since someone has committed their entire life to just you.
No one said Porn addiction is all about "escapism". I said it is not all about sex and fortunately science and a collection of verifiable information otherwise known as "facts" seem to agree with me on this one. Here are a couple of quotes from a study done by Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania's Center for Cognitive Therapy. Study was presented before senate committee in an effort to censor access via internet. Get ready to be educated.
Paper title: **Internet Porn: Worse Than Crack? **Notice by the title she is comparing internet porn to crack, not some other subversive sexual disorder.
"**most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today." **Notice it says Psychological not just sexual.
"Pornography addicts have a more difficult time recovering from their addiction than **
*cocaine addicts, since coke users can get the drug out of their system, but pornographic *
**images stay in the brain forever" this refers to the Dopamine affect, but in this case memory also has a role to play. So the memory of certain images will produce similar effects and there is no need for an outside substance/chemical/drug. making it really difficult to be sober.
"Pornography really does, unlike other addictions, biologically cause direct release of the **
**most perfect addictive substance,...which causes release of the naturally occurring opioids. It does what heroin can't do, in **effect" ** I don't see the part where it says the guy needs to be sexually frustrated.
So lets not approach this issue ignorantly and emotionally alone. Her husband has an addiction, and just saying that she's not giving him what he wants is not going to fix anything. Also pornography and masturbation actually leads to depression and feelings of guilt. Allah has created it that way that our nafs tells us we did something wrong and studies prove this. Whereas if you are with your wife, you don't feel that way after consummation of your interaction. So porn addiction, leads to masturbation, leads to depression and decreased self esteem and guilt, which again leads to porn to escape from these feelings and the cycle continues, and what a surprise, a drug addict has the very same cycle.
If you continue to approach this as a sexual problem alone, you will never comprehend and resolve this dilemma. There is nothing that a wife can do that will justify her husband becoming a porn addict, so please don't use that as an excuse and say that it takes 2 to clap. That's just plain dumb. By that logic, every young man who is not married (and is therefore sexually frustrated since biologically he is ready all the time) should become a porn addict because he is sexually frustrated.
Sure, the sister can help him by taking better care of herself and not being a typical desi wife. Dressing a certain way. Being more aggressive and talkative during intimacy etc. Asking him what he wants her to wear, dancing or doing other similar things for him ( All are allowed between spouses in Islam) Desi wives are very passive when it comes to these things, although they can be as aggressive as a bear when it comes to complaining and whining. So use some of that nagging energy during intimacy. And remember, it's not your fault!