Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

So apparently your husband has a problem. This is definitely not normal. Your best bet at this point is rather than scream/cry/sulk/beg for him to stop, you need to focus on the WHY. Like others have said, if you can work on getting around why he feels has to do this, then maybe it can stop. If not, you can try to get him to counseling/therapy. If that doesn't work, you should seriously considering cutting your losses and leaving. Sure everyone in the beginning might talk a lot. But after a few years it will be old news. No need to live a fake life for false appearances. Like you said, it will be a lot easier now than when you have children in tow. I am getting the impression that he knows he can get away with it, so he keeps on doing it. It's been three years, that's long enough to make him feel comfortable that you are not going anywhere.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

This is tough. You have two choices. You can tolerate it. Or you don't.

He's not going to change these behaviors, so if you're expecting that, then stop.

I'm sorry. There are a lot of guys out there like this, and by extension, there are a lot of women out there like you who are faced with these difficult choices.

If you think he's a bad role model for your kids, at the end of the day, then that needs to be taken into account.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Islamically u say it is not correct to watch porn, then is it correct islamically to get divorce from your otherwise good husband just because he watches porn??

may be m wrong but i feel that u have it at the back of ur mind that u dont want to live ur life with him and get a divorce and u r just looking for some kind of reassurance that it you are justified in doing so.
may be its not just that he watches porn or stare at other women that u are looking for a separation wih him. may be,just may be deep down you just dont love him enuff to stay for a lifetime with him. may be u urself are looking to experience a life with someone else.
watching porn is normal for a lot of guys/men even the married ones. Many wives just get along well with this fact as they feel it isn't any harm to them. he must be lying to you about it because he knows that you would create an issue out of it whereas in his eyes it doesn't mean a thing so perhaps to avoid the fights with you he lies about it.
i don't know at least i think he is not cheating on you or anything and not really going out having some physical relationship with any other women, he is just watching what most of the men watch whether they admit it or not so why create a big issue out of it and take this to the extreme level of divorce?

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Let him live and watch porn. Don't compare yourself to porn stars.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

My only point is, no one would tell before marriage that he/she watched porn. Even if you leave him, move forward and marry another man, how are you sure your next husband wont/doesn’t watch it!

I say accept the reality :chai:

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Pakieyes I feel for u. I am sorry u r going thru it. I know it's difficult.
I would definitely advise counselling/therapy for him. It's an addiction and he needs help.
Secondly do share with a sensible person close to u like sibling, friend, his mother, etc. I m sure they can guide u better.
All the best!

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Pretty much every bloke will watch porn, married or not. Those who think their husbands don't are just naive.

As for checking out other girls, we all do that too, but most people know how to do it without getting noticed. Tell him to wear shades, then you won't be able to tell.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Dear Pakieyez,

I'm sorry that you're going through such an awful experience. And no one can understand your pain unless they have been through it or have developed to use empathy. Some people may respond harshly due to their inability to walk in someone else's shoes. Other posters have given you good advice.

I agree with an above poster that "divorce is not a big deal" when you consider your choices:

  1. Life of misery & raising your kids in this environment which may make them follow their father's footsteps.
  2. People gossiping about you and hurting your parents feelings. As news gets old, people will talk less and if you tell your parents, they may or may not be understanding but at the very least, over time they will get over the divorce (if that is what you choose)

It's natural that you would've become numb and don't want to grow old with a man who is engaging in emotional infidelity, doesn't give you the love & respect you deserve, and has become brazen enough to checkout (undress with his eyes, every woman who crosses his path) in front of you.

You have some real soul searching to do.

  1. What is it that you want from you life? yes, your whole life, not just marriage.
  2. What are your beliefs & values?
  3. What is it that you want as your deeds on your scroll when you face God on judgement day?
  4. What qualities of this man made you marry him?
  5. Are those qualities still true or does the porn watching, lying, checking out (undressing with his eyes) other women, and top of it all (even in your presence) eclipse his good qualities?
  6. If he were to give up these 4 things would you be able to love him, have kids with him happily, and grow old together happily?
  7. Certainly, none of us is perfect but would these changes bring life to the neutral point that you both could work together and lead a healthy, happy life?

After your soul searching, if you decide that this is worth a shot, then you have to talk to him and he also has to decide that he wants the same things you want and this marriage is worth working for. If he cannot admit he has a problem and does not want to change then there is nothing you can do to make your marriage work.

God has created a life partner for each of us. You deserve a good life with a wonderful husband who loves you and will always do the right thing by you. A husband who will help you improve your religion so that together hand in hand, you may enter jannah.

I pray that Allah guides you to make the best decision that you can and gives you the strength to follow through with what you have to do.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

This is an "addiction" which is on the rise in the Pakistani/Muslim community (just google for statistics).

He needs counseling, just like he would for any type of other addiction.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

I think this post is really unfair. So instead of acknowleding someone's mistake...you're trying to blame her? Its all her fault?

Maybe you've seen this happen a lot but many people have not. Watching porn IS wrong. VERY VERY wrong. Please don't blame it on hormones and say its all good...he's a guy...he will watch porn. That means - since I am a girl - when I am on my period I should be allowed to throw things at people...I am a woman...all those raging hormones right?

There is a certain way to coduct yourself among society, friends, relationships and even with your spouse. A man who thinks its okay to stare at other women while his wife is right there is either badtameez or stupid. You've got to be either one to do something so foolish. Common sense dictates to at least wait until she cannot catch you. If he isn't even worried about being caught, then we have an issue of respect. He doesn't care if she sees him gawking.

He needs therapy and you two need serious counseling.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

He seems to have a problem and like any other addiction,he needs some help.But I am not sure how many desi men will agree to get counseling for this kinda issue.
Porn isn't a basis for thinking of getting a divorce and neither something to make peace with.The fact is that he does not seem to respect the spouse and the relationship and the fact that his actions are making his wife very uncomfortable.And it is not a one time thing which happened and he was very sorry for it.It as been a norm for the last 3 years and chances are if not porn,there might be something else going on in the future which the wife will not like and he wont seem to care.And when you do not respect your spouse,you do not think of growing old together and just hope all will be fine.Throw some kids in the mix,and I am sure that wont be pleasant either in such situation where the mother s miserable and the father thinks whatever he is doing is right.
What I am trying to say is that 'respect' is one of the most integral thing for a marriage to work and that is what seems to be missing here.
To the OP,I hope you can get some help for yourselves.It is a bad situation to be in.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Salaam sister. First of all, I pray that Allah give you sakoon and peace in your heart. Secondly, you are not alone with this issue. I have seen this many times, and the Imam at our local masjid says that women are coming up to him all the time and complaining about it, even though their husband's are apparently religious/well mannered/professionals/ good fathers husbands and sons etc. So dont' make this the end of the world. No doubt, you do have a grievance, but do understand what your husband has is an addiction, no different from a drug addiction chemically/medically speaking. Just as with other drugs, porn releases Dopamine (pleasure nuerotransmitter) and the association of Porn with a pleasurable "high" gets ingrained in our Pavalinion classical reward system. So he can't just "give it up" just as a drug addict cannot just quit drugs. Porn is a drug that is more accessible than any other drug in history now and there is no risk factor of violence or getting caught by police. All you have to do is just turn on your computer.

As for looking at other women and fantasizing, sister I will tel you that every man in this world fantasizes about being with other woman. It's is biologically impossible not to. So you can't real single him out for that as long as he does not actually physically do something haram. Also I agree, looking at other woman, especially when you are with him and not having the courtesy to not be so obvious is also objectionable, but not grounds for divorce. What needs to be assessed is how severe his addiction to porn is. Also, he needs to understand that he is addicted to porn and analyze the reasons for why he turns to porn. Is it due to stress, depression, boredom, desire to escape, desire to have control ? It is going to be the same reasons as someone who uses drugs. You and your husband need to understand that he is addicted to porn and turned to porn for any of the above mentioned reasons, and now both you and him are victims of the addiction.

As for him cheating on you in the future, then sister there is no guarantee for any husband. As for talking to your mom, it is better to cover the faults in Islam, especially if he is your husband and your mom respects him. Islam encourages us to cover other people's faults so that Allah will cover our faults on judgement day. How is he with you one on one? Is he abusive? Make lots of dua to Allah for your husband and seek practical ways to avoid this. Just complaining or fighting with him is not going to do it. Making him promise is not going to do it either as it is not in his control. Will power alone will not do it. The steps need to be practical.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

lol… man, some of these suggestions are pretty outrageous. Kind of makes me wonder what our future generations are going to be like :smack:

OP, you need to ask yourself what kind of advice you’re seeking. You simply just can’t mix Islamic advice with advice coming from the modern mentality that plagues so many of us. When you start picking and choosing and mixing, you’re gonna get screwed.

I’ll give you advice based upon Islamic principle because I’d never advise someone of something against the Word of God – I’m just not that ignorant.

One, yes I’m sure your husband knows watching porn is wrong. Repeating it to him and throwing it in his face won’t do anything but force him to further come to terms with continuing even more. You should have been subtle about it when you first brought it up. However, now it’s too late for that.

The key factor in your story is that you’re unhappy. Regardless of what the reason is, you being unhappy (especially for so long) doesn’t reflect well on your relationship with your husband. It takes two hands to clap. I see you both at fault.

Continuing to verbally blame him to his face will only drive him away further and continue to ruin your relationship. He has a problem because sex, when uncontrolled, can become an addiction. Everything we do in Islam is based on duty and moderation, hence ‘addiction’ to anything being haraam in itself. He has a psychological issue which requires help. I’d talk to him and let him know everything you just told us about how it has been affecting you – he very well may not know. Convince him to see a (Muslim) psychiatrist who understands our culture and our religion. Our values are often very different from the Western mindset.

You should also ask yourself why he felt the need to resort to such means. Was he always addicted to porn? If this is something he picked up after marriage, consider it equally your fault. A woman has a duty to a man to fulfill his sexual obligations when either of you desire it, and vice-versa (assuming both of you are in the appropriate health, time, and place). There’s even a hadith which specifies that if your spouse denies sex to you before sleeping, then the Angels will curse them until they wake up. I’m not implying to have sex with them all the time because we should all have some level of self-control.

Perhaps he isn’t satisfied with how you take care of yourself either. Are you physically fit? If not, have you effectively taken the measures to care for your body? What about him? Does he? My wife and I discussed that we would both continue to stay fit after getting married and believe that it’s essential in a marriage because it provides a healthy sex life. And a healthy sex life will almost always lead to a healthy marriage.

Granted, it’s a two way street. If your husband isn’t willing to make any changes on his part, then he clearly has lost all respect for you and your marriage has failed. If you haven’t yet made it clear to him that your marriage is about to break, then you need to so that he realizes the seriousness of his actions. If he simply dismisses them by telling you you’re overreacting, then that’s your cue to leave.

Men in Islam are supposed to (not literally) worship their wives. Even the Prophet, sallalahu alaihi wa’sallam, would work in the house to help his wives from the moment he got home until the moment he had to leave for prayer again. Every night he would engage in physical intimacy with all his wives equally.

So forget all this crap advice about “oh it’s just porn? you wanna leave him 'cuz of that? you’re whack”. This is just coming from kids who don’t know crap about life.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Wow......just....wow.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

This. I can't believe that people are totally missing the point and just focusing on the porn, how shortsighted are some of you? This isn't a guy who occasionally watches porn when he's lonely/bored, it's to the point where he's actively covering it up, lying to her on a constant basis and doesn't seem to care how it affects her and their marriage. That is a BIG DEAL.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Sandninjer, how is the wife supposed to find out if he had this addiction before they got married? He can easily lie and say he started after they got married.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Sorry but that made me LOL

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

But come on...almost every guy out there has watched porn or something similar in his life before marriage (some just have more of an addiction than others)

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

Another point we are missing is that Porn addiction is not necessarily a "sexual" addiction. I know this might sound strange, but it is about escapism, creating a microcosm of control, and expulsion of frustrations/failures etc. It is not because someone is sexually frustrated or his wife is not keeping fit. A man can have 4 beautiful young wives and still be addicted to porn because he uses it to suppress certain feelings or to escape; it is a harmful coping mechanism. Whilst some might turn to sports, movies, friends, when bored or frustrated and others unfortunately will turn inward and to porn. This is a psychological problem more so than a sexual one. Sexual addiction is different in that a person will actually seek out sexual partners such as prostitutes all the time to engage in sexual behavior. Porn addiction is a little different from that, as the Porn addict is happier being by himself, likes to control his environment, and it not necessarily looking for copulation; the way a drug addict would be when getting high.

Also, don't make this about yourself. It is not your fault or how you look. There is no woman who can compete with all the millions of women online. So it is not about how you look. Every man has to control himself at one point regardless of how gorgeous his wife looks, he will still have the desire for more or different. My advice is that you should be open with him about it. Meaning, acknowledge with him that he is addicted, and tell him you want to work with him to decrease the behavior by 25%. Just get him to start to acknowledge this is a problem, an addiction that needs to be addressed everyday. I think going for divorce so soon is not advised. Like I said, he is a victim of this addiction too, so don't abandon him without really giving him a chance and helping him. I want to write more, but gotta go. And always ask ALlah ..make dua. At work now.

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Re: Caught my Husband Watching Porn For the Past 3 Years

did you even ask him why he watches porn .. ? if you look from a man's perspective probably you aren't satisfying him .. Just think about it too .. brown people are known for this thing, after 4-5 years of marriage and having some kids their sexual life goes down the drain. Either hubby is too busy or wife doesn't like it anymore. Regardless, it if one doesn't like it then it doesn't mean the other don't have feelings for it. He/She will find a way to satisfy himself and perhaps this could be a case.

I am not saying that you are one of this case but what i am suggesting that you should at least try talking to him before thiking to divorce ...