Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

This has nothing to do with treating women as less than human.

What is so difficult to understand about what DD is saying? Quite frankly if Nabila is in this situation, then the fault rests on herself as much as anyone else.

Where is her husband in all this? Why can't she see the in-laws as her "own" family and open up and communicate with them? If it is her dream to be a doctor and she doesn't want to quit her job, then treat the mother in law as a "mother" and share her desire to fulfill her dream with her.

Much of the crap that we face with in-laws is because we don't consider them our own family. There is always this invisible wall that many feelings cannot permeate.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

The story does not say whether she has tried to speak to her husband about it and whether she's tried to speak to the MIL and other IL's about it.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

Well then the story is really not a good example to use as the base of such a discussion.

I'm the first one to say that if an injustice is being done, then speak up about it. According to the teachings of Islam, it is not only a sin to treat someone unjustly, but a sin to put up with being treated in this manner. Our minds and bodies are "amanat" granted to us to use while we are here on this earth. It is our responsibility to treat ourselves with care. Should we abuse this privilege we will answer for our transgressions before Allah on the day of judgement.

Passive aggression takes place in all sorts of situations every single day. The people that let themselves get pushed around are as much at fault as those that use this type of behaviour to accomplish their goals.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

First she should get her husband on her side and to teach her inlaws a lesson. Don't make food for a week. What will they do? how much would they complain? abey yar they will have to make the food when they get hungry or simple grab pizza on the way.

Atleast someone will start making the food. And mainly Never worry about what in laws say about you. They will never be satisfied.

I have a feeling my sister in law is like that and believe me on our phone conversation i make sure :D i do let her know that we will do it together. I don't mind asking my mother in law to cut the vegetables and ask my sister in law to get the maid do the cleaning. Mother in law should be moving around you should not jsut sit on a bed and relax no matter how old you get. Plus sister in law needs to practice she will be going to someone's house as well.

Mashallah my in laws so far are really nice. Even with my jethani she didnt complete her education until she had her second daughter. And believe me my mother in law made nashta for her and didnt even let her cook while she was studying. My father in law won;t let anyone make any noise cause she is studying.
There are good and bad people :~)

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

I'm glad it's so clear to you what DD is saying. Guess what though? Not everyone thinks like you, not everyone believes what you believe, and not everyone is wrong for believing differently.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

Muzna, by that logic, all victims are going to hell.

Official Thread 4 Flooders
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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

No PCG. That’s not accurate. You seem to have a complusion to reduce complex concepts to a single and black/white result. This is not possible in all things in life. And quite frankly if you try to apply this rule to everything, you will, in most cases, disappoint yourself by the answer. (As you have deduced in your above conclusion.)

The logic that I’ve presented teaches you to stand up for your rights and refuse to be abused. However, standing up for your rights does not necessarily mean letting out a cry for battle.

In relationship issues there is usually a calm and non-violent way to resolve things. The biggest step is communication. If you open up the lines, you will find that many of the preconceived notions we carry with us can be overcome.

And yes, I still contend that the person that quietly puts up with abuse without trying to resolve the situation is guilty as well as the doer of the injustice. (Which of them is more guilty than the other is pretty obvious.)

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

I didn’t once suggest that anyone is wrong for believing differently.

Just like you, I was expressing my opinion.

Sad that you took my thoughts so defensively.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

I agree that women need to do more to speak up for themselves. But just as you say, not everything is black and white and simple. There are complicated psychological and social issues that are involved in "speaking out". If Nabila, say, speaks out, perhaps she might be threatened with divorce. Perhaps, she might feel like her husband will be angered, or there will be family fights and things will blow out of proportion.

Perhaps Nabila feels that by continuing with her medical job, as she describes it, regardless of the passive aggressive abuse from her inlaws, she IS resolving the situation. From what she says herself, it seems to me that she is fighting a quiet battle. So, no she's not letting out a cry for battle. Just because you think the best solution is to sit down with the inlaws and discuss the issues out, perhaps that is not a conducive solution for her situation. Everyone is different, and there are some people that don't appreciate it when you try to sit down and discuss your feelings with them. They might try to take your words and turn them against you. So for some, not discussing it, and instead, not yielding to the pressure, is the best way to fight the abuse.

Perhaps she feels like the MIL and FIL are old and going to die soon anyway, so its just a matter of some more time. Maybe the SIL is getting married soon, so she knows the brat will be out of the house soon, so things might get easier.

Quite the contrary, I think she is dealing with the situation. But in her own way. Conflict and discussion is not the way she feels will work here, so instead, she has decided that no matter what, her in-laws wont get what they're looking for. She wont leave her job.

For a medical doctor, that is a very big deal. That is a silent battle. I say kudos to Nabila for putting up with her in-laws crap, and I hope the old geezers die soon so she can breathe. I also hope her maharani SIL ends up in a house where she is forced to work like a maid, and threatened with divorce if she does not and the whole gambit. Serves them freakin' right.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

You came across that way when you said "What's so difficult to understand about what DD is saying."

Anyways, It's all good. Im glad we can all express our opinions.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

Though I agree with the first part of your response regarding Nabila’s assessment of her situation and her then calculated manner in dealing, however, the feelings you have expressed in your last paragraph are precisely the kind of “backward” thinking that you profess to want to eliminate from our “antiquated” culture.

In saying what you have said, you have, in one fell swoop, contradicted everything that you claim to stand for.

I hope Nabila breaks through that invisible wall, cements an amazing relationship with her MIL and FIL, all the while earning huge amounts of credit for her afterlife and in the process opens up the eyes of the SIL, who will then inspired by her own bhabhi’s efforts, turn out to be an exemplary DIL for her husband’s family.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

I hope Nabila breaks through that invisible wall, cements an amazing relationship with her MIL and FIL, all the while earning huge amounts of credit for her afterlife and in the process opens up the eyes of the SIL, who will then inspired by her own bhabhi's efforts, turn out to be an exemplary DIL for her husband's family.

For me, that is too idealistic and bollywood. I like to have my feet on the ground.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

Trust Muzna to tell it like it is :k:

Mr Custom missing again??
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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

I wonder how many people would still hold their respective views if Nabila was their daughter, their sister, etc. Just a thought. . .

Tindal Billi
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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

You wrote:

To which I replied:

And you concluded:

Please explain to me what about your first quotation shown above, is grounded?
Does being cruel, vengeful and negative amount to being grounded?

My views would not change one bit. But you probably already knew that.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

No. Not expecting people to act civilized is being grounded.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

I take it grounded equates to having a healthy approach towards life. Right?
Is always expecting the worst outcome a healthy approach? If you answer yes, then I disagree.

If healthy = grounded, then grounded must also = well-rounded. This means you should have, at least 50% of the time, an air of optimism around you. What goes around comes around.....and trust me, this is no cliche.

If you live your life expecting the worst, you may be so prepared for battle that you fail to enjoy and appreciate the little things in life that bring us the greatest joys.

Enough said from me.

>> Opposites Attract <<
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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

It has nothing to do with a healthy approach. When people don't behave in a civilized manner with their own family members, then it doesn't warrant a healthy approach to these sorts of problems. Realism is not always healthy.

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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

Well then, I'm glad you know what to do if such an issue ever arose with your daughter.

marrying a older woman
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Re: Case of Abuse or Its Just Her Duty?

I would have to agree with Muzna here : Communication is the key in ALL relationships. You have to make an effort to rectify a situation before blaming everyone involved. If Nabila doesnt talk to her inlaws or husband about how her responsibilities are too overwhelming, how can she say what their reaction can be? Perhaps, her inlaws dont realise waht they are doing to her. Maybe there is a need for her to speak up (gently, mind you) and remind everyone that she is finding it hard to juggle everything and hence can use someone's help.

There are plenty of ways to solve a domestic issue like this before declaring war.

On a side note, my sis-in-law lives in a join family system. She takes care of two young kids, does all the housework and manages a private clinic in the evenings. Recently she has just expanded her clinic to include some more equipment. I am sure she might have to talk it out with her inlaws as well before being able to accomplish this but she does it and I dont know how she handles it. And I am hecka proud of her!

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