Nabila is a doctor whose working hours are from 8:30 a.m. to 2:30p.m. She is married to her first cousin, and knew even before her marriage about the routine of her in laws. After a hard day’s work, when she comes home she has to serve her in-laws. By the time the lunch is cleared, she is half-dead with fatigue, but can hardly rest as she has to take care of the dinner as well. No one beats her, or pass scathing remarks at her. In fact, she cannot even claim that they ask her to do all this! It is just that when she comes home she finds all her hungry in-laws, including her 21-year-old sister-in-law, waiting for her to brush up their lunch. Nabila doesn’t want to leave her job. “I have worked extremely hard to become a doctor. I really think that they are applying indirect pressure on me, but come what may I will not quit working.”
I came across this article Wide Shut, by Lubna Khalid, in Jang, on Women’s Abuse. This is one example cited in her article. Its not what her entire article is about, but she makes it a point to talk about mental abuse, which she feels Pakistanis are not wanting to admit that its a problem.
My question to you: Do you think this situation of Nabila is a case of abuse, or do you think that her in-laws are just expecting her to do her “household duty”?
I think the inlaws are just expecting her to do her household duties. She was well aware of "routine" of her inlaws beforehand. However, does it state anywhere in the article if she ever confronts her husband, or the inlaws regarding this routine?
oh gawwwwwd...i could go on and on about this. mental abuse. it is indeed a sneaky tactical way....funny thing is that no one really sits down and plans to do this (to daughter in laws/daughters/wives) but it is visible in everyday incidents/conversations etc. for example, a family may tell a woman that they support her education but at the same time while the woman tries to put her full attention to education, they could pass favorable remarks about so and so's wife (who stays home and cooks) and about how wonderful a person she is, compliment her again and again to the extent that the woman trying to make a career starts to believe that the in-laws approval will come through doing what that housewife is doing. in most cases rewarding good behavior is more effective at controlling behavior than punishing bad or deviant behavior (because punishment may incite a rebellion)
nobody will admit it though. even the woman who is being emotionally blackmailed will not be aware sometimes that this is happening. the same can happen to a girl with her parents. Parents may initially stress the importance of education and as the point approaches where girls must appropriately be married off, they might begin to approve of wifely duties. or parents/relatives may send double signals....compliment girls that are settled as dutiful wives in gatherings and not show too much enthusiasm over a woman's academic achievement.......
She sould talk to her husband about it. Plus if she is in Pakistan there should be the option of hired help to assist with the meal preperations and serving etc.
Why not involve the 21 year old sister in law in taking turns to cook or sharing the load.
I don't buy into this desi inlaws expectation crap. I will help my husband. I will help his parents. I will help my parents. The minute anything is imposed on me, there will be a problem. The only one who can impose anything on me is God and he did not say anywhere that I have to do that.
With that being said, so who cares if she was aware of routine of her inlaws beforehand? Just because she was aware does not make it any less abusive. And, it is abusive. It may not be intentional abuse but it is abusive nonetheless. And maybe it is just a communication problem but do those people who expect her to do all this not have a heart? Are they that blind that they don't realize the poor girl is working her butt off ? I fail to believe that. They know it. They just don't care. I wonder if those inlaws would be okay with that if they knew it was their daughter doing that for her inlaws. . .
Did you even read the article? It states that the inlaws have never even asked her to do any of this. Therefore, she is doing it on her own free will. So tell me, how is this “abuse”?
It's a bit unfair that Nabila has to do all of this, given the fact that there's a 21 year old sister-in-law sitting at home doing absolutely nothing. I think it's the duty of the daughter to be taking care of lunch... perhaps Nabila could do something in the evening.
That said, work and housework are two things which don't co-exist easily with each other. I believe that women have an important role to play at home... not as someone to take care of the inlaws, but as a homemaker. Being the female of the species, women have to take care of children too.
I suppose if Pakistani women want to work, given the way things work in our part of the world, they should be prepared to have to do all things...
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I suppose if Pakistani women want to work, given the way things work in our part of the world, they should be prepared to have to do all things...
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Just because that's the way things are doesn't make it right. Just because that's the way things work in our part of the world, does not mean that every girl should sit there and do it that way because certain people perceive her role to be that. She (meaning any girl in our part of the world) does not have to conform to anyones views about what she should/should not be doing.
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Just because that's the way things are doesn't make it right. Just because that's the way things work in our part of the world, does not mean that every girl should sit there and do it that way because certain people perceive her role to be that. She (meaning any girl in our part of the world) does not have to conform to anyones views about what she should/should not be doing.
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Well... that's the way things are in this part of the world. Whether we think it's right or wrong is irrelevant... after all... when in Rome, do as the Romans do. You can be a conformist ... or a rebel. It's up to you to choose your path in life and its associated implications.
Frankly... an 8:30am to 2:30 pm job as a doctor is pretty cushy as medical jobs go. That's if theres no night duties. The difficult part, i'd have to say, is serving lunch right when she comes back. Tea... dinner... whatever comes after that is pretty managable.
That point aside... there are certain traditional roles to be played by men... and certain roles to be played by women. I think that it's alright for women to work... just as long as their other responsibilities aren't being neglected.
should have been decided before marrage. if nabila before marrying agreed to do house chores along with working, then i dont see why she'd be complaning.
You know, I don't even know how to respond to that. I am amazed at the way some people treat women, as if they're somehow less than human.
I don't know if you're married lussi, but if you think that in a marriage two people don't change and don't grow, you're living in a pretty small world. And if your response to your wife changing/growing is well she doesn't have the right to. . . then yeah, good luck with that.
Throughout history, many injustices have taken place and if people had taken your advice, nothing would change for the better.
Yeah I know.