My husband’s parents are in their 70’s (possibly 80’s because back in those day, they didn’t keep records). Alhamdulillah, they are fairly healthy. They are mobile, can drive, and don’t have any illnesses. Perhaps because my parents on the other hand are in their 50’s, I think that my husband’s parents are OLD and that he and his siblings need to make plans as to what happens if one of them has a stroke or if they starting having alzeheimers or dementia.
My husband and his family live a carefree life living only in the present and not planning for the future. I just want to plan so that these people don’t end up in my home as there are extremely cruel to me. I cannot deal with these people anymore and I cannot have them live in my living space.
Would love to hear from those of you who have taken care of/ are taking care of elderly parents, how you have decided to do.
Can you explain the situation a bit more, as in, how are they cruel to you, and why exactly you can't stand them at all? I'm not implying that you are overreacting or have no reason to, I'm just curious to know.
If....hypothetically speaking....your in-laws were to have a stroke or develop Alzheimer's or God forbid any other serious illness.......I think that would hinder them severely from exercising their cruelty on you...as their movements would be very limited, mental faculties would be weakened, energy levels greatly reduced, and emotionally they'd be more worried about their health to effectively scheme against you. In such a fragile state....if it turns out that they both will end up living in your home....and you refuse to take care of them (along with your husband too of course) or begrudgingly do so......then that would make you cruel.
If....hypothetically speaking....your in-laws were to have a stroke or develop Alzheimer's or God forbid any other serious illness.......I think that would hinder them severely from exercising their cruelty on you...as their movements would be very limited, mental faculties would be weakened, energy levels greatly reduced, and emotionally they'd be more worried about their health to effectively scheme against you. In such a fragile state....if it turns out that they both will end up living in your home....and you refuse to take care of them (along with your husband too of course) or begrudgingly do so......then that would make you cruel.
Oh no, my husband would never refuse to care for his parents. True Redvelvet, that a severe illness can severely hinder one person from exercising their cruelty. However, if one of them is severely ill does not mean the other is not well enough to be cruel to me. Good point that a DIL who refuses to care for her elderly in-laws is subjecting them to cruelty. But it is cruelty to both them and the DIL if she is unable to transform negativity and to be loving and kind. It just opening the front door to the Shaitan to wreck havoc in our lives.
I want to hear how difficult it is to take care of the elderly.
^Hmm. Okay Peony, let's say that only one of your in-laws is seriously ill. Do you really think that the other more healthy spouse would be more focused on how to make your life miserable during such a time? Wouldn't the MIL be more concerned with caring for her sick husband and vice versa...than with other matters? Situations like this can bring about a shift in priorities and also be humbling.
As for "how" difficult it would be....that's an individual thing and also depends on your attitude. Taking care of a sick person consumes emotional and physical energy....it adds to your list of responsibilities...it can even be expensive. But how difficult one finds it ...that's a personal thing and it depends on the illness and its accommodations and other factors.
My MIL loves Pakistan. She just loves having servants to cater to her wishes 24/7. We don't provide them with live-in servants here. Just maid service, chef service, and lawn & garden service.
Could $7 K per month be sufficient for a decent house and live-in nurse, cook/maid and driver and including healthcare?
I think it's extremely easy to judge peony in this scenario. It is really hard to take care of people who have been nothing but cruel to you since the day you were married. However in our culture there is no way around it. You will constantly be the bad guy in this scenario.
Sick or not, old or not you would be surprised as to where people put their focus on when it comes to these relationships. If anything I have seen some get worse with age as long as they were still in their right minds.
My question for you peony is what are you most concerned about? Having the entire responsibility fall on you, with not only living with them but having to take care of them physically? Or that your just too turned off by the past that you cant open your heart to them? How are you around them now? And if your husband has siblings why are you assuming you will have to be the one to take them in only? Wouldn't everyone share the responsibility? I think that is what you should discuss with your husband.
My husband and his family live a carefree life living only in the present and not planning for the future. I just want to plan so that these people don't end up in my home as there are extremely cruel to me. I cannot deal with these people anymore and I cannot have them live in my living space.
Would love to hear from those of you who have taken care of/ are taking care of elderly parents, how you have decided to do.
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Even the best of our plans can fail if GOD doesn't will. while you are planning how to not let your parents in-law live in your home and how to avoid taking up their responsibility when they are severely ill i suggest you also plan what to do if GOD forbids just in your young age you get a stroke or dementia or Alzheimer or cancer or heart attack and becomes immobile and fate takes you at the door of your parents in-law and you are left on their mercy??? may be this though would create some compassion in you for them.
As the wise saying goes" Pal bhar naahi lagta insaan ki zindagi idhar se udhar honey mein" yet we behave and act if we are all powerful.
My MIL loves Pakistan. She just loves having servants to cater to her wishes 24/7. We don't provide them with live-in servants here. Just maid service, chef service, and lawn & garden service.
Could $7 K per month be sufficient for a decent house and live-in nurse, cook/maid and driver and including healthcare?
i don't know where you are but after a certain age in my state (mid west) Medicare/gov. will cover for that. My husbands grandmother in her 90s gets that assistance but shes not a live in, just comes to the house during the weekdays for baths, food etc, she has separate nurses, doctors that come by for her medical needs regularly. I think the service she gets is through an agency as far as I know, not sure where you are though. One of my cousins has a similar situation to yours and her inlaws are also taken care of this way in the east coast.
I am sorry to hear that the in laws have been cruel to you Peony. I have never been married so I dont know how it feels but I can definitely sympathize with your situation. I agree with S and S that it can be very easy to judge you right now given the scenario but only you know what you have been through. My mother went through a similar situation in life, her in laws were extremely rude to her and kicked her out of the house while she was pregnant and then later took her to the hospital and had her induced in 7 months and she has a premature child because of it. My mother had to struggle a lot and my father turned deaf and blind to all of it until he saw what his parents and family were doing to his children, then he shifted his priorities but even then when his mother fell ill, my mother took care of her because in the end no matter how hard it was for my mother to look at her and for us to respect her as our Dadi, she was my father’s mother after all. We took care of her to the best of our abilities but none of us felt any love for her and that is her loss for what she did to us in dunya. The biggest loss for a person is that when he dies there is no one there to pray for mufrat for them. I am not saying that is the approach you should take at all, I am just saying that people tend to make sacrifices just to take care of family and she did give birth to your husband. In her akhri waqat, you need to step up and help her out because this is when Allah swt will give you lots of swab and will provide you with Sabr. I am sorry I was not much help but I hope you are able to take something away from this inshallah.
no amount of money can make up for the love, care and companionship of a son or daughter when you see the end of you life on the horizon.......
try putting yourself in their shoes.
I do try but I can't see their perspective. You are absolutely right, money cannot make up for the love, care, and companiship of son/daughter. I'm going to start packing all of their bags right now to send them all away to Pakistan.
Even the best of our plans can fail if GOD doesn't will. while you are planning how to not let your parents in-law live in your home and how to avoid taking up their responsibility when they are severely ill i suggest you also plan what to do if GOD forbids just in your young age you get a stroke or dementia or Alzheimer or cancer or heart attack and becomes immobile and fate takes you at the door of your parents in-law and you are left on their mercy??? may be this though would create some compassion in you for them.
As the wise saying goes" Pal bhar naahi lagta insaan ki zindagi idhar se udhar honey mein" yet we behave and act if we are all powerful.
Oh holier than thou princess, fate took me to their door step and MIL threw me out in the middle of Ramadan. Even the horrible control themselves in Ramadan.
I was utterly sick, my husband out of town, and my house needed to be exterminated and it was Ramadan. I checked myself into a hotel than to go to their house. After my husband returned, we went to their house. She threw us both out after 2 days saying that we told her that our place would be occupiable after that day even though the exterminators were late to start the process. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.
It's a tough one but you have to remember that you husband is still their son...what else are you going to do? Send them to a nursing home? Do you know the quality of life in nursing homes? Would you like to be abandonded when you are at that stage in your life?
Thank you for your kind words. I have a hard time understanding the urdu. By the Grace of God, although I come down with a terrible illness, my parents are here to take care of me. Cancer is no joke but they relish in how I suffer and say that hopefully this will make you infertile.
I will admit that before reading this post, your OP made me very unsympathetic to your plight, I couldn't understand your lack of compassion. But the experience you've related changes how many people will perceive your circumstances.
Prayers that Allah (swt) grants you improved health.
As far as the in-laws are concerned - figure out all of the possibilities for care (at home - yours versus separate, or with your BIL/SILs), the expenses involved (who will be responsible - sharing of expenses or not and where you can save, etc.), the people who need to be involved and who will be responsible.
Don't operate from the assumption that it will be your sole responsibility, this puts you in a disadvantaged position. Assume and propose options that have all of the siblings financially, physically and emotionally responsible.
I think it's extremely easy to judge peony in this scenario. It is really hard to take care of people who have been nothing but cruel to you since the day you were married. However in our culture there is no way around it. You will constantly be the bad guy in this scenario..
Thank you, I do appreciate your kind and understanding words. A kind word is like a thousand duas from a sincere heart.
Thank you for those who have had sincere words to help. And to all the others, I know there are quite a few drama queens on this forum. But there is no reason to be mean to someone you don't know.
Just mix some rat poison in their chai. That should be enough to solve all the problems.
Haha...Thank you for your wisdom. If this is the strategy that you used with your DIL which landed you in Pakistan and not behind bars, you are very lucky indeed...
My heart goes out to you peony, it really does! I can understand your scenario and am going through a similar one and my cousin has been through hell and back in her case. If there's anything that gives me a little peace and maybe it will help you too is holding on to the hope that Allah has bigger plans for you. Your patience and empathy (even for those who have hurt you so much) will Inshallah be rewarded. I am not as religiously connected as I would like to be but I keep telling myself just a few more years and things will look up. I truly believe God only puts us through what we can handle and your better days come. :) I hope in all of this, the complaints against your husband are minimal as I can only imagine how not having his support would make things 1000x worse. :( hang in there. :)
