Peony, don’t put off doing the things I suggested below for your own parents too. My parents appeared perfectly healthy and both were diagnosed with very scary illnesses in their 50s. It is best to be prepared as early as possible. I would suggest you and your siblings start thinking about these things for your own parents and suggest your husband do the same for his.
I take care of both my parents and husband’s parents on occasion. People who are ill can have quite dramatic changes in personality. Your own parents may become irritable, angry, or reserved, etc. They may not even remember who you are. You cannot except gratitude and must learn to be patient. You have continue to care for them because you believe it is the right thing to do. Some things to think about:
Can they age well in their current home? Most people want to stay in their own home as long as possible; help them achieve that.
Are there many/steep stairs?
Is the house wheelchair-friendly? (wide doors, no-carpet)
Are the bathrooms fairly big?
Perhaps you want to start by putting in bars and treads in their bathroom. There are companies that specifically do this kind of remodel. Right now you should focus of prevention. Preventing injuries/falls is key to keeping them independent. Asian woman esp. tend to have problems with osteopenia and are prone to fractures.
Can you get them to start some kind of exercise program if they are not doing so already?
Make sure they get yearly physicals and all the screening that are appropriate for their age.
Insurance- find out what they have, how long it will last, etc.
Medical
Life
Long-term care/ disability insurance (if your parents are young they still may be able to purchase this!)
Each of you should talk to your parents about end of life issues so that you are clear about what THEY want.
What kind of medical interventions they would like: respirator, feeding tube, etc.?
Who is going to make medical decisions if they are incapable of doing so?
Donation of organs
Burial
Caregivers-
In larger cites I’ve found agencies run by South Asian Muslims. Often someone who is familiar with the culture is best. Research how much they charge in your area. Ask around in your community. Some of your parent’s friends will probably have had to hire people to care for their parents.
Finances-
It would be good to sort this out.
It would be impossible for me to give you a $ amount that would be sufficient. There are too many variable to consider such as lifestyle, mortgage, cost-of-living, quality of medical coverage.
I do try but I can't see their perspective. You are absolutely right, money cannot make up for the love, care, and companiship of son/daughter. I'm going to start packing all of their bags right now to send them all away to Pakistan.
if you are trying then that is all that you can do.....
when we are suffering through a difficulty, as you obviously are, we have little tolerance to see the other side of things....that's human nature.
I'm not sure what you meant by your last sentence but I hope that Allah makes things better for you and gives you the strength and courage to do what's right for yourself and for those around you.
Great link and very useful advice. A few days earlier, my Mom and sis had advised me on getting the place renovated and your link listed out all the things that need to be changed.
It would be nice to have the other siblings pitch in when the time comes but so far not only do they refuse to contribute financially or physically to taking care of their parents, they get mad that the parents don't visit on the weekends to take care of the grand kids who are a plane ride away. And because my husband has always been groomed to take full responsibility as the head of their household and has a very generous disposition, parents and siblings & SILs expect him to fully take care of all of them and see me as the enemy to their's rightful' claim. Its bizarre to see men in their 30's lay claim on their brother's and my material belongings.
I just want an apology for all the wrongs and a seat at the table to make decisions that impact me the most as I am the one who takes care of 95% of household responsibilities.
No kids. My husband and I have only been married for a couple of years. We need time to become a unit before I want to consider kids.
I don’t like to rush into anything. Its so funny that people started asking me if I was pregnant only a few months after we got married. Desi people and their inappropriate questions. Infact, just last night I got a email response from an acquaintance about her ill father ending with, are you expecting.
^ Yep. I dated my hubby almost 3 years…then as soon as we got enaged…before the wedding…people would ask when we’re planning on having kids! Heck these days I actually get asked if we’re “trying”. I have no idea why people think it’s perfectly acceptable to make such inquires regarding a couples intimate life!
I don’t think such questions are inappropriate coming from an older generation where it is completely normal and customary to have kids immediately after marriage. It is the same thing as when you show your girlfriends your engagement ring. One of the first questions they ask is “so when is the wedding?”. It a completely natural question given that it is customary to get married soon after engagement. Although not true in 100% of cases (some couples wait YEARS AND YEARS after engagement to set a wedding date due to trust issues/ financial problems/ careers etc.) No body is trying to get into your personal business by asking you about your wedding date upon seeing your engagement ring (it isn’t like they are asking about details of the suhaag raat or which lingerie you will be wearing for that night). Similarly, an aunty inquiring about when you plan to have kids is simply asking because in her culture and generation the whole entire purpose of getting married IS to have kids. She’s not asking about your choice of birth control or your menstrual cycle, so relax!
Why are we so touchy about each and every little thing that aunties do…just cuz its somehow cool nowadays to pick on the older generation and appear more westernized by doing so?
There were MANY things that were considered “normal”, “acceptable” and “customary” decades ago. But that doesn’t mean that those things weren’t wrong or in this case…rude.
Its ridiculous for you to compare someone asking about when my wedding date is versus asking me when I’m giving birth. A wedding is a celebration that includes family/friends/community etc. Last time I checked, conceiving a baby the natural way only required two people. In addition, plenty of women out there have trouble conceiving and go throug IVF or other routes. Why put them in a situation where they’re forced to discuss a subject that might be painful for them?
You are more than welcome to disagree with me. You don’t mind others asking you questions about your pregnancy status…then good for you. :k: But I consider family planning to a be private matter between husband/wife. And I treat others the way I want to be treated. I would never make ASSUMPTIONS regarding another woman’s fertility and say something that could potentially be hurtful to her. And it it would nice if I got the same respect from others.
You are totally entitled to your opinion, I may even agree to many points you made. However I wanted to point out: A marriage requires nothing more than husband, wife, and a moulvi or lawyer. The wedding is the celebration of that event with loads of people. Similarly, procreation doesn’t require more than man and woman, and birth actually doesn’t even require the man, just the woman and maybe her OBGYN. However, the celebration of that birth, (welcoming the baby properly into the world is very very important to most parents) does require loads of people and their duas. The thing is, in my book, if its OK to ask “when are you getting married” without thinking that you may offend the other person if they are not financially stable enough to have a wedding or get married and start living together, then its OK to ask “when are you planning on kids” without thinking of the likelihood of that couple having fertility issues. I don’t go around asking this question to everyone, but I don’t take offense when people ask me this question simply out of the intention that they want to be happy for me or celebrate with me in case of good news.
I could have made it an issue when my MIL asked, every single month, when we were getting pregnant after my wedding. But I kind of understand where she was coming from, because she’s a sick, old lady and she wants to play with grandchildren before she passes away. I would be asking the same question if I was in her shoes. Its just the culture we belong to, you either learn to love it or live with it.
I could have made it an issue when my MIL asked, every single month, when we were getting pregnant after my wedding. But I kind of understand where she was coming from, because she's a sick, old lady and she wants to play with grandchildren before she passes away. I would be asking the same question if I was in her shoes. Its just the culture we belong to, you either learn to love it or live with it.
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To borrow your words....
You are totally entitled to your opinion, I may even agree to many points you made.
Having said that......
I love my culture and live with it but that doesn't mean that I don't try to educate the masses and improve it.
I'm sure that I would be asking for grandchildren too.......but perhaps in a much more subtle way...and certainly not repeatedly.
Heck these days I actually get asked if we’re “trying”.
I have no idea why people think it’s perfectly acceptable to make such inquires regarding a couples intimate life!