Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
candy...sounds like a reasonable deal to me if he actually holds true to what he is saying.
Your mother will feel lonely initially...but she will get used to it. Visit her everyday since she is so closeby and call her often. This is the process we have to go through...we cant live with our parents forever sigh
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
candy if you dated for over 3 years he should be even more understanding!
"I'm happy that he is understanding enough to allow my mother to live with us when we get our own house, "
^this is very far from understanding. I mean after 3 years how can someone not understand what is most imp to you??? And why exactly are you EXPECTED to live with his parents? But even more why does HE expect that? When clearly its makes more sense to be in your house after your married.
I'm sorry to say but he is not understanding at alll!
Also people make lots of promises before marriage, but afterwords a lot of things change!
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
I dont think he is being fair in saying your mother should just deal with it! how inconsiderate. He needs to udnerstand where your are coming from!
I think if he is that despertae you should live with him for first 6 months max!
I am also going to say that i think its unfair for you to say his parents rotate between the children, although your needs and wants are much greater you need to understand his too!
He said that he wants me to move in with his family for 1-2 years until we save up $ for our own house. Once we have our own house, my mother will live with us and his parents will live separately in their own home with their two daughters. Eventually maybe 10-15 years down the road, when his parents are too old to be alone, he wants them to come live with us. I personally think they should rotate between us and his two sisters, but he does not agree. He wants them with us all the time.
I'm happy that he is understanding enough to allow my mother to live with us when we get our own house, but he still doesn't understand the lonliness that she will feel before that happens. He thinks she should just deal with it. His parents have TONS of relatives, and my mom has none. But he thinks that if we NEVER lived with his parents and lived with my mother from the beginning it would not be fair. I said you can't compare his parents with my mother....they are in two TOTALLY different situations but he doesn't agree. His parents also EXPECT us to live with them in the beginning...which I think is so WRONG (despite knowing my mom's circumstances). You should not expect this...in Islam a man has to provide his wife her own home. In fact, he casually mentioned the idea of me and him living with my mom right after marriage to his mom and she got mad at him and made him feel GUILTY for saying that.
I hate to break it to you but long term plans like this hardly ever work. Too many factors become involved, including birth and death. I know a couple who lives across the street from their MIL..but they hardly visit. What if your mother passes away God forbid, before those first 2 years? or hubby loses the job, and you guys can't save up enough to buy a place within 1-2 years? or what if he just NEVER wants to leave his mommy's house?
I'm all for joint families (okay not really) but he sounds like an inconsiderate, grade-A jerk.
I think you're stuck in a tough situation, unfortunately our society/culture is very cruel to these type of things... but if this is so important to you you should have thought of it before you fell in love with him.
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
Well, if it was my brother, I will prefer that my SIL live nearby my parents. Or they could live halfway between her parents and mine.
I know my mom would be offended if my brother lived with the other side, because if he has to live with a side, it should be the guy's (don't ask why it 'should' be, my mom will say these are our 'rawayatein'). Also she would say that the bro is already becoming a bivi ka ghulam. Or she would say that he promised her. Maybe your hub is having to think about such things.
I actually like your hubby's solution. In marriage, both parties give and take something. Sometimes it's not in your favor; sometimes it's not in his. Your hubby is having the first two years in his favor BUT then you can enjoy a decade with your mom. And very few guys are willing to live with their MILs so I think this is a nice gesture on his part.
Don't 'nag' your hubby too much and make him feel like you are haranguing him. The thing with marriage is that no matter how much we love our parents, our spouses are eventually going to become the primary relationship in our life.
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
Your fiance is being really unfair. Your situation is completely different from his. Maybe he is just putting this off and calming you down by saying that your mother can live with you once you have your own house. But do you honestly think his parents will be ok with this arrangement? His parents aren't happy when he casually suggested living with your mother. Why will his parents be ok with your mother living with you guys 3 years later? And Sara is right...long term plans like this never work....But as others have mentioned, please sort this out BEFORE you get married....and don't put hope over experience. If he really cared, he would move in with your mother and be receptive to your concerns.
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
This is a tough situation and I think you should be proud of yourself for thinking this ahead. I seriously think everyone should have a retirement fund, and I know it's hard for desis to think like that...they rely too much on their kids.
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
candy i don't think he will do what he says. coz if right now he thinks its not fair to move in with your mother who's all alone but stay with his family who is complete it won't change after several yrs. looks to me he'll always thinks wats fair for his parents only.
driving is not an issue here. even if u drive wat if he or ur mil starts objecting ur daily visits to your mom. then from daily it will be weekly and then once a month.
u have only two solutions as far as i can think.
either
stick to your demand and don't marry him if its not been fulfilled
or
arrange a full time maid for your mom to look after her and do her errands.
or else, i know many ppl will kill me for saying this but u could convince her to move to a seniors housing. there she'll be taken good care of plus she'll have company.
another option is ask her to re-marry and find a suitable guy to look after her in her old age. thats all i can think of.
candy i don't think he will do what he says. coz if right now he thinks its not fair to move in with your mother who's all alone but stay with his family who is complete it won't change after several yrs. looks to me he'll always thinks wats fair for his parents only. driving is not an issue here. even if u drive wat if he or ur mil starts objecting ur daily visits to your mom. then from daily it will be weekly and then once a month. u have only two solutions as far as i can think. either stick to your demand and don't marry him if its not been fulfilled or arrange a full time maid for your mom to look after her and do her errands. or else, i know many ppl will kill me for saying this but u could convince her to move to a seniors housing. there she'll be taken good care of plus she'll have company. another option is ask her to re-marry and find a suitable guy to look after her in her old age. thats all i can think of.
Why are nursing homes such a taboo in desis?...it's better than her mom staying at home all alone with no one to talk to or to take care of her in this old age
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
I don't think it has anything to do with taboo...I have volunteered in several nursing homes and the way the nurses order the seniors around is really sad. Most of the nurses are really rude and impatient and push these people around. And one doesn't necessarily have 'company' in nursing homes. People are still very lonely coz having old people all around you and hearing of a death every week isn't very uplifting! You need your blood around you.....your kids, your family. I swear, based on my experience with nursing homes, it's the most horrible thing one can do to their parents.
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
He sounds like he's under his parents thumb,
Try to change him before you say yes,
Don't believe him when he says that your mom can live with him and so can his parents, he threw them into the equation, seemed like he was mocking you, otherwise he should've just talked about your mom's situation which is pretty unique and DESERVES to be considered. Do you honestly believe that your in-laws will live with you while you are living with your mom???
And also, what if something happens to you mom (God forbid) during that one year that you've been living with your in-laws and away from her, what if she needs someone to be constantly with her and cannot manage alone? What will you do then if you haven't enough money to move out of the in-laws house?
Don't rush into this marriage, it's highly likely that you'll be unhappy with him, try to push for your demand to let your mom move closer or whatever, but i think your in-laws will DEFINITELY have a problem with your going to see your mom everyday as long as you live with them.
Just clam down and wait. Don't expect him to change right now, because that's the way he's been brought up, and i believe this is a recent demand of yours which he thinks is unimportant because you brought it up so late in the relationship.
I also feel you'll have this difficulty with ALL desi families. Most of them would never accept this idea of THEIR son living with his in-laws.
In Islam, it's the children's responsibility to care for their parents, not their spouses.
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
This is so tough. Yet simple.
All you have to do is talk to your in laws and fiance very clearly about your concern. You will get the vibes from them regarding this issue. Then, you need to make some decisions, like, should you delay your wedding until a reasonable point of compromise has been reached, or should you reconsider?
Let me tell you, a very close friend of mine was getting married to this person in the exact same situation as yours. The guy promised that her mom will be staying with them and she did. However, it was a very rough ride for at least 2 years of their marriage as he didn't get along with the mom, he though she pampered her daughter too much and that his wife was good for nothing. Little little conflicts happened everyday and at one point my friend was ready to walk out. So they spoke to us and some other close friends.
Now, 2 more years later, all is well. Mom still stays with them and they are a happy family.
Just another perspective.
Anyhow, just be proactive about everything, like you are being already. Get your license asap.
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
if her mother is an independant and strong woman she would hate the nursing home idea. I personally would expect a little more understanding from fiancee. However do bring it up since its bothering you and think of it for a while before you reach a conclusion.
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
I had a long talk with him about this just now. He has agreed to live separately from his parents from the beginning, meaning we will never live with his parents. We will get our own apartment to rent until we save $ for a house (and we will find one close to my mother's apartment). After 6 months to a year, she can come live with us. My mother is ok with this as well, I will visit her as often as I can.
Re: Can’t leave single mom. What to do?
soo happy for you!!! Congrats, btw when is the big day?
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
May ALLAH (SWT) gives u countless blessings and happiness and removes all ur worries.AMEEN!
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
well done candy!
Im proud of you for sticking to your guns.
are you feeling relieved?
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
Good job Candy!!!!!!! Best of luck in all your wedding preps and hope all works out for the best Inshallah!
Re: Can't leave single mom. What to do?
Congratulations on reaching a compromise on this issue. How do his parents feel about this decision?