I’m an ONLY child living with a SINGLE mother, about to get married in 3.5 months. I don’t know or have ever met anyone else in this situation. I don’t want to leave my mom after marriage to move in with my fiance’s family, because she will become very lonely. My fiance REALLY WANTS me to move in with his family until we save up enough $ to get our own house. This could take years and she will be alone all that time. She has NO ONE in this world but me. What would you do in this situation? Do you agree that in this case, my mom should be allowed to live with us rather than us living with his parents?
His parents mashallah have three kids (fiance and two younger sisters). He would not be abandoning them if we lived on our own, however, I feel I would be doing that to my mother, who has done everything for me and still gave me so much love, despite the incredibly difficult life she and I have lived.
To be fair to my fiance, he HAS told me that I could visit my mom everyday if I wanted to. I don't drive so it would be difficult to do so and I would always be reliant upon him to drive me (he claims he would do it, but I don't want to ask him). We live about 10-15 mins away from each other (driving wise).
I understand this is a difficult situation for you. You can't leave your mum all alone. It would be upsetting for both of you.
Atleast you don't live far away and if you started learning how to drive it would be so much easier to see your mother.
To be fair to my fiance, he HAS told me that I could visit my mom everyday if I wanted to. I don't drive so it would be difficult to do so and I would always be reliant upon him to drive me (he claims he would do it, but I don't want to ask him). We live about 10-15 mins away from each other (driving wise).
Then... u've got 3.5 months...enough to memorize a F-16 driving manual.... U just have to adopt to a car. So get on with it...
Yes, I definetly want to get my license. But it takes 1 year for you to get your G2...which allows you to drive alone and even then what if I fail the exam a few times? The point is, even if I did learn to drive, that process would still take time.
And realistically, I'm quite busy with work and other things, that even if I wanted to visit my mom everyday, I know it would not happen. It is just not the same as living with that person.
If i was in your situation i wouldnt leave my mother i would move in with her, which is easier said than done and i also understand that it will be difficult for your fiance.
Cant all the families come together and think of a compromise, for example helping your mum find a nice secure apartment somehwere near to your inlaws?
Do you have any close friends who will look after your mum while you save money?
^ I agree with you alvena.
You should speak to ur mum and in laws about the situation and how you feel. See if you can all find a solution for this.
Has ur mother got any relatives living near her?
as far as i know in Pakistani tradition, if you have only daughters and no sons, the youngest daughter always stays at her parents home, and her husband usually becomes a 'ghar damaad'.... we have had a few cases in our family where this has happened...has anyone else heard of this???
i can't see the whole going to visit your mum daily working out and i dont think your mum will want you to visit her everyday, as she'll want you to adjust in your susraal and not be a burden on you.
as far as i know in Pakistani tradition, if you have only daughters and no sons, the youngest daughter always stays at her parents home, and her husband usually becomes a 'ghar damaad'.... we have had a few cases in our family where this has happened...has anyone else heard of this???
i can't see the whole going to visit your mum daily working out and i dont think your mum will want you to visit her everyday, as she'll want you to adjust in your susraal and not be a burden on you.
I have never heard of this, in my family parents who have only daughters have moved in with brothers or other family.
hun you really need to sit down and work this out BEFORE YOU SIGN THE PAPERS! If you do not discuss this now, this will never be takin seriously!
Tell him clearly that you will NOT leave your mother like this. Tell him NO MATTER WHAT, the whole driving thing will get to him one day, and thats where the fights will start! And after your married, its will be too hard for you to solve the problem.
Do his parents need you in anyway to help around i really don't think so! So make your hubby understand, that your mother is also his mother now, so he needs to take that into consideration.
Since the commute is only 15-20 mins away why can't you guys live in YOUR HOUSE? What is it that his parents need YOU soo bad, and their own daughters cannot do for them?
And if he does not agree to something realistic, well for me that would be the breaking point!! last time i checked guys parents are not the only imp ones!
Please please work this out BEFORE your married, its will be 10x harder to do this later!
I know the feeling! I am the only one living the house with my mom as well. Altho she is independent and wants to rid of me …i know that deep down inside she will be lonely without me.
I have always made it clear that my mother will be living with me (even tho she says she will live alone) wherever I go…not right away but eventually. I have 2 other sisters who have husbands who are more then happy to have her live with them as well.
but to get to the point of this topic…
you too need to make your demands (as far as your mother is concerned) known. let him know what YOU want…and try to come up with a compromise. It seems to me that he is trying to comprise but his words are only words right now. Actions speak louder.
I suggest you learn how to drive and dont rely on him to take you. this way you can go whenever you want and not depend on others.
stand firm in what you want…and hold your ground. this isnt something petty we are talking about…this is your mother who will be spending her years alone if you dont.
shoudlnt u have thought about this before u gave ur 'yes' to the rishta.
in ur position, having ur mother stay with u shoudl have been a prerequisite. u need to sort this issue out before u get married otherwise i can almost guarantee u that u will face a lot of problems later on.
My mom has no relatives at all (except 1 ***** of a sis in pakistan...who has always been cruel to her).
My mom has a few friends, but no one close enough that will look after her. Pakistani's that we know, do not care to associate with a single mother. They prefer to mingle with other familes that have both a husband and wife. I don't blame them, but unfortunately this has led to isolation for my mother. Alhumdolilah...my mother's health is not that bad yet. She does have a few health problems, but it is not at the point where she cannot cook, clean and do things for herself. She is very independent and incredibly strong for someone who has endured what she has. My main concern, is for her lonliness.
Gaia you are right, his parents do NOT need me in anyway. They too have a few very minor health problems (which naturally come with age) but can do everything for themselves.
This is what he has agreed to. You guys can tell me if you think it is fair.
He said that he wants me to move in with his family for 1-2 years until we save up $ for our own house. Once we have our own house, my mother will live with us and his parents will live separately in their own home with their two daughters. Eventually maybe 10-15 years down the road, when his parents are too old to be alone, he wants them to come live with us. I personally think they should rotate between us and his two sisters, but he does not agree. He wants them with us all the time.
I'm happy that he is understanding enough to allow my mother to live with us when we get our own house, but he still doesn't understand the lonliness that she will feel before that happens. He thinks she should just deal with it. His parents have TONS of relatives, and my mom has none. But he thinks that if we NEVER lived with his parents and lived with my mother from the beginning it would not be fair. I said you can't compare his parents with my mother....they are in two TOTALLY different situations but he doesn't agree. His parents also EXPECT us to live with them in the beginning...which I think is so WRONG (despite knowing my mom's circumstances). You should not expect this...in Islam a man has to provide his wife her own home. In fact, he casually mentioned the idea of me and him living with my mom right after marriage to his mom and she got mad at him and made him feel GUILTY for saying that.
sumorani - it is not a rishta....we've dated for the last 3.5 years.
…i know that deep down inside she will be lonely without me.