I met a girl 2 months back and we started talking. She said that she was looking only for Nikah and did not want to waste her time. I told her I was looking for a serious relationship as well and that lets see where it would go and to take it slow. We started talking and she kept mentioning Nikah again. I told her if she's ready to speak with her parents then we can get something going. However she wanted to explain a few things about her past. She said that she had been crushing over a guy in her "uni" for over 4 years. At first I thought maybe it was just a crush and I ignored it. I told her that she shouldn't give anyone hope if she herself isn't ready to move on. She said that she's ready and that she has forgotten him and that she feels that I could be a good match for her. I again emphasized that if she's not over her "Crush" she should move forward at all. She said that she's 100% sure that she's over her crush and that believes that it's now a good time to start talking about us. I didn't really pay attention to it at first because a crush is just a crush. It's a mere thought. Who really pays that much attention to a crush. We move a little bit forward and we're full on talking about Nikkah and how she's going to speak with her parents. Then a week later she comes out with the typical "Don't get mad but I have to tell you something." And I'm like "Here we go". So she says "I don't know whats wrong with me but I can't stop thinking about my crush, last night I stalked him for hours. I saw someone on the bus that vaguely looking familiar to him and all my repressed feelings came back."
Now the word shock here would be an understatement. I was baffled, how can anyone in their right mind think about a mere crush over someone who has agreed to marry you? I felt humiliated and I decided to block her. I told her that this wasn't fair to me and that she basically lied to me and wasted my time. She said that she was being transparent with me and wanted me to know. To which I replied what was she looking to gain from me knowing about such wonderful information. It's not even a past relationship, but a freakin crush! Who does that? What do you guys think? Is this girl right in her head?
I would say it is more than a crush, the guy has become her obsession. She probably thought she could get over him by marrying but it is not so simple. It happens more often than you think, although it is frowned upon in our community but the girl needs psychological help in order to move on. Don’t feel humiliated, be glad that the girl was at least straightforward early on.
Someone I know got married to such a person, the guy was in love with a latina he knew but he ended up marrying a Pakistani girl, WILLINGLY may I add. At first he was nice to her for like a yr but then he got her pregnant and told her he just could not get the other girl off his mind and just left his wife cold turkey. He has never seen his child. So yea, could be far far worse.
I would call that disrespectful behavior on part of the girl. Sometimes people do this sort of thing to get back at their partner in a passive-aggressive way. Depending on rate of recurrence of such behavior and your capacity to take it, this can lead to problems. Broadly such behavior comes under the same topic I have wondered about before.
I know of a case where this woman would compare her husband to her ex in order to have her way. The husband wore small size but she would buy large sized clothes for him and excuse it later by saying that her ex wore extra large and she didn`t realized her husband was so small. She would make several plans for some weekend and if her husband complained of being tired, he would get the same dose again, sometimes in front of friends and he would fall back in line. The more he resisted, the stronger the dose he got. The guy eventually started doing drugs to keep up with her demands. They are still married and now he is clean but went through a lot.
I think the girl might have overestimated her readiness for marriage. I also don’t understand why she told you that she can’t stop thinking of her crush. Maybe this confession was her (conscious or subconscious) way of placing a block/distance between you two because she’s not ready to accept that life has not played out in accordance to the fantasy/dream that she had spun for years. Or perhaps she sees a friend in you and hopes you can help her through this. I am just venturing guesses here. Whatever her reasons and motives might be, the fact remains that it’s not a healthy place for you to be in…especially if you have already developed feelings for her. You don’t need to be her therapist. Don’t place yourself in a situation where you have to convince the girl (any girl) that you are better than her crush or her ex. You want to marry someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you, who wants to start a new life with you, someone who is fully vested in you and is not nursing residual feelings for a former flame or interest.
And if you have firmly decided that you’re done with this girl, then there is really no point in trying to analyze what’s going on inside her head…because by the looks of it, it seems that she can’t quite figure out her own heart/mind either. To an extent it is admittedly fascinating to analyze people …especially people that set off a roller coaster of up-down emotions within us…but it can also be a very frustrating and draining pursuit that can hold us back in life in various ways.
It’s better that you found out about her indecisiveness early on as opposed to after marriage. I think you should move on because sometimes feelings tend to become stronger the longer we remain in contact with someone. If this girl needs to “talk out” or vent her feelings about her crush to someone…then she can find another buddy to be her sounding board, she can vent to her female friends, or family, or a shrink if need be. But not to a guy who wants to get married to a girl who truly wants to be with him. This girl will be okay…she can deal with her issues without your support. She’ll be fine. You move on to the next.
Definitely an immature move on her end to not only fantasize about this guy but to tell you. There’s some things you need to keep to yourself and this was one of them.
If she can learn to live in the reality and make your relationship a priority then I think there’s a chance. From your end if you can learn to resolve your issues in the past and instead of comparing her to your ex, be patient, understanding and help her through this I think there’s possibility to move things forward. It will take work from both ends.
Take some time to reflect and when you are no longer upset with her or the situation, have a clear head and something definite in mind, speak to her and give her your honest opinion. Either to stay or leave and then act upon it once and for all.
Sorry this happened to you. Seems like portions of this experience resembled what may have happened in the past. Life has a way of returning things we haven’t learned from our past into the future until we learn them for good. Now it’s time. Good luck
I can understand your feelings but your reaction was knee jerk and childish. If you make a statement, follow it up with actions. She WAS being honest and you should have complimented her for that. Yet you should tell her that, you think you his isn?t the right time to go ahead with Nikah. And both of you should step back and think about it.
There is no guarantee that she’ll actually stop and move on. If she’s been crushing on someone for 4 years and then can’t even forget about him when a proper Rishta comes up then that is a huge gamble. There is no guarantee that she’ll actually stop or maybe when I actually catch feelings and decide to move forward and she decides to end things abruptly because she can’t forget him and say “It’s not fair to you, i’m not over him”. That is a waste of time my guy.
Op, you know yourself better than we do. We all differ in terms of what we can handle and we draw our limits. If your gut feeling tells you that it’s best to steer clear, then khallaas…move on. If you are in two minds then you’re already familiar with istikhara.
Follow ur heart and do what your heart tells you, cant live a life of fear of unknown and egos. I was very much in love with someone else when I got married and she told me that, “I will make you forget about her” and today I can give her my life. You want to be with her and she is willing to give it a try so dont let shit get in the way, sometimes you need to win a woman over and fight for her.Time to man up and show her that u r the best thing that can happen to her, blocking and shit is so immature, grow up do adulating. Send her a 200 dollar bouquet.
