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How often does she knowingly says something sadistically hurtful to you?

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  • How often does she knowingly says something sadistically hurtful to you?

    This question is not about what to do about it nor about the first time. Rather my question is to find out from other guys about the recurrence of sadistically hurtful verbal insults directed at them from their SO or Ex. Once a day, week, month, year or never.

    Let`s say she tell you during a fight that she `hates you` or `your child is actually someone else`s` and you tell her that you never want to hear that again. Then she apologizes but says the same thing again when she is angry.

  • #2
    "your child is actually someone else`s" Damn that is just messed up.
    Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

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    • #3
      Welcome back first of all....
      Well i have never been in any kind of relationship, so i am not in a position to answer your question. But if my future wife says somthing that i do not want to hear... i will definitely talk to her and make it clear to her that what she is doing or saying is hurtful and it's not wise to use such extreme insulting words that can turn off anyone let anole your partner...
      At the same time i will keep an eye on her to check if she is really speaking the truth ( about someone else's child), because sometimes truth comes out when you are angry.
      Last edited by Pakistani Prince; 1 week ago.
      So verily... with every difficulty, there is relief. Al-Quran 94 : 5-6

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      • redvelvet
        redvelvet commented
        Editing a comment
        I reckon a paternity test might work better than following her around pink-panther style.

    • #4
      Yikes! Telling someone that you hate them is bad enough, but it's still not surprising to hear such a remark in the heat of anger. But telling your husband that his child is actually from another man is not normal. Also, I wonder if the wife realizes that such a comment is more of a gaali to herself and her own character than to her husband. Itnay josh main aa kar keh rahi hai k bacha tumhara nahi hai....and it's like uhmm HELLO BIBI....you've just pointed out to how bad-challan your own character is if you have indeed committed adultery. Talk about dropping the hammer on your own foot.

      If the husband was smart, he'd point this out to her. Dekhna, she won't use that come-back again.

      Although, I hope he's sure that the child is really his. :/
      Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time. For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

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      • #5
        The question came to my mind due to various reasons and my intent was not to find a solution. But to find out the prevalence of such behavior in other couples.

        I realize men won`t share being on the receiving end of such behavior so I sometimes hope GS had an option with which OP could allow anonymous replies for particular posts.

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        • aqua70
          aqua70 commented
          Editing a comment
          You could make a poll. I believe a poll's results are anonymous.

        • decentGuy
          decentGuy commented
          Editing a comment
          That is a good idea. I need to learn to create a poll.

      • #6
        How it is helpful to know the re-occurrence of this behaviour from other couples?
        Does it validate that others are also in similar situations and make someone feel better about their own?
        Does it make the feeling of hurt, neglect and misery go away?

        Not sure this is going to be a productive exercise.
        “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

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        • decentGuy
          decentGuy commented
          Editing a comment
          I think it is quite helpful to know on several levels. Let’s say if a person thinks that in a marriage he will not have to tolerate such behavior and everyone around tells him that marriage should be a perfect union between two like-minded people. Such a person could learn that reality of marriage is not so good, so such a person could set right expectations and limit disappointment. And for someone who is already in such a situation, it can definitely give some relief in knowing that other people struggle in their marriage as well. May be the feeling of hurt won’t go away, but as the famous saying goes, “shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased”.

      • #7
        Originally posted by Illuminate View Post
        How it is helpful to know the re-occurrence of this behaviour from other couples?
        Agree with Illuminate. The above question that she posed is actually the first thought that I had when I read this question.


        What is wrong is wrong. The wrongness of it does not depend upon frequency. To curse someone is wrong the first time and it will be wrong the second time and the tenth time.

        You have not told us anything about the husband. Has he done something that is causing his wife to react so strongly? There are usually two sides to a conflict.

        Telling someone you hate them is hurtful but it's also a vague comment; it doesn't express exactly why the person is upset at you. It seems like the wife struggles with communicating her feelings in a clear way. She needs to tell her husband exactly which actions of his are troubling her. She apologizes for her comments so it shows that she does have an awareness that they are hurtful, but the fact that she repeats them again...indicates that she doesn't know how to communicate properly...and err....also it makes you wonder who da baby-daddy is. :/
        Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time. For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

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        • decentGuy
          decentGuy commented
          Editing a comment
          I think the wrongness of something like that does depend upon frequency. Think about it for a moment, someone who knows how badly you got hurt by something the first time. Then that someone apologized. But then that someone did that again and again alternating it with apologies. Lets say the husband wants to go to Pakistan but wife doesn't want to go so husband says that he'll go without her. To that she says something like that. Sometimes people get so angry that they don't care about themselves as long as they are damaging their partner in order to have their way.

      • #8
        Not common phrases at all, as far as I know.

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        • redvelvet
          redvelvet commented
          Editing a comment
          Well, "I hate you" is more common though. Among adolescents anyway. Typically heard in arguments between teens and parents. But not confined to just that relationship. Now saying that the baby ain't yours... that's not very common. At least not among Brown folks.

        • decentGuy
          decentGuy commented
          Editing a comment
          I'm not concerned about the exact phrases. They could be different for different people. For someone it might be that wife calls her MIL or SIL prostitute. Then apologizes. Then calls them the same in next fight.

      • #9
        This reminds me of a male client of mine where his wife had made a very hurtful comment about regretting having kids with him. It was not ok. Comments like that are just not okay. I can understand the need to want to know how frequently that happens. I can understand the need to know that the individual is not alone (and I assure you these things happen). At the same time, these kinds of deeply hurtful comments are absolutely not okay.

        It is important to have a very clear conversation with one's partner if such comments come up and it is extremely important to implement boundaries. You are supposed to be trusting this person with your life and they are not making it easy. If the person does not stop making such comments, out of anger or what have you, I would suggest seeking couples counseling. The perpetrator is forgetting that they are a team, not an enemy, and you cannot have someone so close turn into an enemy.

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        • decentGuy
          decentGuy commented
          Editing a comment
          Indeed such couples are not rare, actually they are becoming a significant portion of society. I was discussing with some of my friends about the rise in husband-wife jokes these days and if there was a reason for that. The conversation turned into each of us recalling the number of times our own marriages were seemingly on the the brink of collapse.
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