cancer stricken family member

Lifestyle Relationships
1

we’ve just found out that my khala has got cancer and has only 4 weeks to live but the thing is…i dont know why but i just dont feel anything for her its like i’m empty and completly motionless.

the thing is about 2 years ago my khala had a MASSIVE fight with my mum over the phone about property, my nani had just passed away, and her daughters and her were sooo horrible to us on the phone. i remember every word that was said, i can still hear their voices and the things that they said. made up lies about me and my sister, sweared at my cousin who was like 9 at the time over the phone.

because of this i dont feel anything for her or her daughters since we’ve found out shes got cancer. my mum and my other khala are constantly on the phone to her talking to her and her daughters, which i dont have a problem with, but i just dont feel any remorse whatsoever!!!

when my nani passed 3 years to this day, 13th march, it was like my heart had been ripped out but now i just dont know, i feel empty with no emotions. its like i, dare i say it, dont feel sorry for her!!! i know thats very very very wrong but thats just how i feel!!>.

its the same with my poopi, dads sis, when she passed i felt nothing. i didnt like her very much, she was horrible woman and when i heard news she had passed away i had no reaction. when my nani passed away i cried soo much my eyes were practically swollen but now. nothing!!!

2

What cancer does your Khala have?

Once at the hospital staff room, we physicians were debating what was the worst way to die? Most thought it was cancer. When working I used to find any excuse to not have to work with cancer patients. What I would witness would be so aching and heart breaking. Even Docs find such times so hard to face but we put on a brave face for our patients as we are expected to be used to it.

My Mother died from cancer while I was studying in med school right before my final exams. Every day I would study beside her bed with tears constantly falling onto my books and every day I would watch her slowly deteriorate. The day my Mother passed away was the day I had my first exam. I always found it hard to deal with cancer patients since as I just felt I was going through deja vu.

A Muslim father was dying of cancer and asked for me because he found out I was Muslim too. I went to him and he held my hand and told me he hasn't spoken to his daughter for 20 years because of something awful he did. He gave me her number and I phoned his daughter. I asked him why he wanted to contact her after 20 years just because he was dying, as I just wanted to hear his answer. As soon as I left the room I started shivering and my eyes were filling with tears. His daughter came.

You just have to witness a person dying of cancer and I promise you, you would even forgive your enemy! Please for goodness sake forgive your Khala. You don't have to show your feelings through tears. Forgive her mistakes. Forgive forgive forgive! She will be dead in four weeks and will be tested in the grave. You just cannot imagine the pain of cancer unless you see it with your own eyes!

Let your Khala die knowing you all have forgiven her. The worst thing in the world is to lose your Mother. Just support your cousins who won't have a Mother in less than a months time.

3

Re: cancer stricken family member

^^ great advice HF.
FC u should forget and forgive, u dont have to feel sorry or sad for her but at least pray for her and talk to her daughters. put urself in their shoes, and just let them knw u r there for them. be the bigger person.

4

Re: cancer stricken family member

That was very well put HW.

5

Re: cancer stricken family member

thank you. only talking from my experience and what i have seen with own eyes.

6

Re: cancer stricken family member

well said Housewife!
Forgiving someone who has hurt your mother is a very hard thng but sometimes you have to take everything with a grain of salt.. no matter how bad relationships are between parents and their siblings at a time like this they usually forget even the WORST things they have said to each other.. My maamo died of a lung disease and my mother was not speaking to him but when she found out that he was in the hospital she took the first flight she could to lahore to meet with him and now she always remembers it as the BEST thing she coul;d have done.. my maamo touched her head with his hand and tried to smile.. she came back a day later.. and the moment she went back to work we got the call that he had passed away. To this day, she thanks Allah for blessing her with a moment that gave her the chance to see her brother..
life is too short my dear.. dont let little things get into the way of relationships...

7

Re: cancer stricken family member

I can understand how you feel, i have weird relatives like that too who have put us through so much hell that i probably wouldn't feel much remorse for them.

But the better thing to do would be to forgive them. I know its not easy. I know i am preaching something I cannot practice but Allah will reward you for it (just keep that in mind).

8

Re: cancer stricken family member

Sister I can understand why you feel like this. I know when so much has happened one can not develop feelings in their heart for their family members :)

9

I have a chill down my spine reading about your coldness, funky_chicken. May Allah soften our hearts, ameen.

10

wow. touching story. you mother has a very big heart. amazing story.

11

Re: cancer stricken family member

HW - Your 1st post is amazing! So sorry to hear about your Mum. May Allah Ta'lah swt give her a place in Jannat Inshallah. You really are incredible. Great advice! :)

12

You don't have to feel sad or anything, but do forgive your khala ad be there for your cousins. Although you don't have to go out of your way to do stuff for them.
What they did is no excuse to change the person you are. If they were mean its something they have to live with and your behavior is what you are accountable for.

13

Which hospital were you working at where they would not give Morphine or any other kind of powerful analgesics to ease the pain of a terminally ill patient.
Zalim loug. :mad2:

14

if it was that easy, it would not be considered the most painful illness in this world.

15

Re: cancer stricken family member

mirch sometime its not the pain, and sometimes they cant give anything for the pain. like for my brother who had cancer (tumor)block his intestines so nothing would go down. they had to put an NG tube down his nose, thrg his throat...to the intestine to clean it out...and all they could give him were ice cube to chew. it was so painful to watch him go thorough that painful process. and had to keep the tube for days...also painful but nothing was given for the pain.

anyways, FC as i said before forgive ur khala, be there for ur family (ur mom, and cousins).

Timepass-Jan 2013
16

Housewife........that was IMPRESSIVE! You worded that so simply and so perfectly.

Funky_Chicken.......I'm not trying to invalidate the pain that your khala caused you because it hurts a lot more to be treated badly by your own family members. But....try to isolate the cancer from her mistakes toward you and your family. The cancer and the past are two different issues, hon.

Look at your mom. She's able to look past the hurt and tend to your sister over the phone. And it's because she understands that in four weeks or so she won't have a sister anymore. And that to her outweighs all the petty fights that took place in the past.

You don't know what is in your khala's heart. Perhaps as she is lying in her deathbed as the cancer eats away at her........she's beginning to realize that she can't take the PROPERTY to the grave with her. For all you know, her whole life could be flashing before her eyes.....all the mistakes she has made.......all the sins she has committed....and all that she'll be leaving behind (such as her children). Your mom is doing the right thing by communicating with your khala. She is letting your Khala know that she has moved on from the hurtful past and will be there for her during this difficult time. And it must be such a RELIEF to your khala to know that her sister has in a way forgiven the past.....it could help her die with a little more peace.

I don't know what it's like to have cancer and know that you only have a month to live. I don't even want to imagine it. The thought itself is terrifying....not only the disease....but facing the finality of your life......not knowing what to expect after you die.....it's a huge burden to face. Try talking to your khala over the phone. And try talking to her daughter who will not have a mother soon. And if that's too hard to do, then make dua for her and her family that she'll be leaving behind.

17

Just reading about this was horrible enough.
I hope your brother is doing better now.

18

You two should read this :
The management of pain in terminally ill cancer patients with difficulty swallowing – Coluzzi and Fairbairn 16 (6): 731 – American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Medicine

Timepass-Jan 2013
19

Re: cancer stricken family member

The right thing to do would be to pray for her as she is near the end of her time. You never know whose prayers Allah might except; and it's something we'll need when we pass.

20

Okay let me explain this from a Doctor’s view:

We would make a pain control plan for each patient, but naturally every human is different and reacts differently to cancer.

Mostly, we would choose Morphine to moderate cancer esp in stage 4. (End-stage cancers.) But some patients do not tolerate morphine as they suffer severe adverse side effects, although this is rare. Sometimes some patients refuse it due to their beliefs. If allergic, we try Demerol, katamine, fentanyl etc. There are many other alternative meds.

Sadly in stage 4 cancer the realism is the patient is dying. It is an immune system disease and there will be a point where you won’t be able to fight it anymore. The body will naturally prepare for the final breakdown and these stages are tough on all cancer patients. No medicine can prevent your body from preparing its breakdown and dying as there is no cure for cancer yet.

End-stage cancer makes you tired, tightens your chest, breathing problems, mouth problems i.e. thrush or mucus blockage etc, fever, nausea, vomiting, bowel problems, dizziness, fear, panic, spinal cord compression, numbness, suffocation, chronic cough, discomfort. Then the cancer causes the vital organs to shut down…one by one…until the cancer patient can’t survive.

Of course you can choose heavy sedation but most people want to see and hear their loved ones until the end.

Your hearing is the last to go right before your soul is taken. Because of this my mother decided she didn’t want to be sedated as in the last stage, she knew she would go into a trance (which happens at end of cancer) and she wanted to hear us say kalima in her ears until the end.

So no one is zalim as you think Mirch except the culprit which is cancer.