Can you justify spying on family?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Okay so I’m intrigued. Call it pregnancy hormones but I am.

I was contacted by a friend today who told me that she needs to cut off contact with all her friends via FB etc as he sister in law recently got into her account (her password was stupidly easy to guess she says) and printed off personal conversations between her and her close friend in regards to her marriage. She said that she was now being monitored and instead of dealing with the issues at hand her Mother has told her to cut contact with her complete social circle “for a few years” until things blow over.

To cut the long story short she and her husband are BOTH unhappy in the relationship however leaving isn’t a financial option for either as they have joint debt, and she has suffered from serious depression and tried to kill herself which maybe held against her if she tried to get full custody of her two kids. The messages were about how unhappy she was, and how she was struggling to cope with her family stress.

Her in-laws have justified the hacking with “Allah wanted us to know the truth about you”. Her MIL has suggested her DIL has done the family a dishonour by discussing her problems outside the family.

Beats me how some families work however I ask this question in general:

can you ever justify invading someones privacy? Can spying on someone be justified too?

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Well no. Islam prohibits spying on other muslims regardless who they r. If we r supposed to cover each others faults, how can anyone justify spying and trying to find faults of other muslims.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Exactly how is she being "monitored" now? Does she live with her in-laws?

Here something very important you have not shared......what does her husband think about all this? What is his reaction to what the SIL did?

Yes. In my opinion, invading someones privacy/spying is justified if there is genuine concern that the person might be a danger to themselves or a 3rd party. If I thought that someone I know might be suicidal, homicidal, or involved in activities such as drug use, physical/sexual abuse etc (NOT victim but the person committing the crime), then I would have no problem spying on them to see if my suspicions are correct.

The scenario you described above just sounds stupid. SIL/MIL has no right to invade your friend's privacy (based on what you've written so far).

On a side note.....if the husband is a good father to the kids, then I'm not sure why she would try to get full custody. If BOTH of them are unhappy and want to be apart, then they can discuss and divide up the debt and come to an agreement on custody. Plenty of couples out there have divorces that are not nasty b/c BOTH parties want out of the marriage.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Spying can be justified depending on the circumstances, but in this case the SIL was wrong; it was a low thing to do. But your friend is partly at fault too. If you're going to discuss such personal info, then come up with a more secure password. I'm not saying that an easy password justifies invasion of privacy, but one is responsible for taking precautions. And to put something personal in writing is a risk too. The people your friend disclosed her secrets to may not have betrayed her, but even then she needs to be careful about who she confides in. There are very few people you can trust and the ones who appear the sweetest and most supportive can screw you over. Taking the SIL's argument that Allah wanted them to find out, let's hope Allah makes something good comes out of SIL's mistake for your friend and her marriage.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Kesey Kesey Loug Hoty Hain Duniya Mein!

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Why would'nt it be justified for a victim. Recently we had to do this for a sister of my friend who had changed from a very jovial girl to a depressed maniac. We learnt that she was being hounded by a neighbor and we had that settled.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

I think the SIL was pretty justified in what she did. This friend of yours had tried to kill herself. If she had succeeded the husband's family's lives would have been destroyed. It is better to be safe than sorry. Maybe she wanted to check if your friend still had the suicidal tendencies.

In India, if a wife commits suicide within 7 years of the marriage, the police automatically treat it is as dowry harassment and start proceedings unless the wife's family says otherwise.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Her husband has actually said he understands why she spoke to someone outside the marriage as he doesn't have anything in common with her anymore. She doesn't talk about the gritty details of her relationship however as her bosses at work have had her in the office and have suggested she takes time off work to sort herself out I'd say there is an issues.

The MIL is a traditional Pakistani style homemaker; my friends marriage was arranged and at the time she was working and still does. The couple are unable to financially cope if she leaves her job however her MIL sees this as her disobeying her MIL this causes friction. I don't understand why you would expect someone to change after marriage etc but I guess some do.

In regards to her suicide attempt-her MIL classed it as 'bahu drama' and pushed it under the rug. I know of this as I was at a friends do where someone else mentioned it. Sadly it became gossip. MIL unfortunately has a battle axe reputation now since her own nand moved into the area. She's also struggling to find a rich ristaa for her daughter.

She's being monitored like this:
her FB is spot checked every day to see who she spoke to
her in-laws drop her off at work and pick her up to
she now has an itemised bill for her mobile so calls can be checked-the only way around this for her is to get a message to someone and ask them to call

Her husband is a good religious man. He spends time with the Masjid offering Dawah. He works out of the city they live in so doesn't get home til 8pm. His hours are limited with his family after he takes time out for his commitments elsewhere.

I don't give this friend advice; I simply listen because shes always feeling down and I don't want to tip the scale. One of the reasons she says she won't do anything about the situ is because her sisters are married to her brother-in-laws and she wouldn't want to destroy their happy homes.

I do hope her situation improves; her husband is the new gossip of the community as her MIL has mentioned shes looking for a new wife for him. This was before the spying occured.

Thanks folks for the input. I guess everyone has their own stance on spying.

I would hate to be spied on but then I'm not in my friends situation so cannot feel what she's feeling.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

[quote=““IndiGo Rain””]

I agree; but then if you need to communicate and get things out of your system and you cannot speak to someone face to face (work, family etc) I think a lot of people would potentially make that above mistake.

Yes she’s lucky; none of the girls she spoke to (two of them) said anything or gossiped. No one heard any of what she says was in the messages as gossip etc.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

she should hack hr sis in laws account and then print her personal convos as well see how she feels lol but yh i dont think spying is justified in any way..

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

:konfused: You said that husband is understanding and not upset at the FB conversations. Is he aware of this monitoring? And he’s ok with his family doing this to his wife? The in-laws dropping her off to work and picking her up…is this a recent change?

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

I'm sure others could justify doing it for a victim. All boils down to personal opinion. I simply wrote what I would do in that situation. I'm only referring to adults. I have known/currently know too many people (often b/c of my profession) who desperately want help getting out of an abusive situation. Thus I tend to focus on them. For me personally, I choose not to focus too much on adults who choose to stay in a bad situation despite having plenty of resources to ask for help. I'm not going to resort to spying to find out if an adult who is fully capable of seeking help (ie. excluding elders) is being mistreated. Again, others may disagree but that's my opinion.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

I find it interesting that you think the woman’s suicide will destroy the husband’s family’s lives…yet no mention of the woman’s family or her 2 kids.

And assuming that the SIL really did it out of concern (ie. to see if the wife still was suicidal)…when she found out that the girl is NOT suicidal…why not keep the conversations private? Why share the fact that she spied and the conversations themselves with the MIL and throw all that private info. back in her face? Is it really a good idea to tell a woman with a history of depression/suicide that she dishonored the family by talking about her unhappiness with friends? :hmmm:

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Islam says many things but it sure does not give MIL's the right to treat their DIL's like garbage and much worse.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

I think spying is usually "wrong" (except in cases where we might fear for the life of a person, etc, like others have said), but it is often understandable. I can understand (and forgive) the curiosity and interest that might lead someone to pry. What I don't understand is then doing something malicious, hurtful, deceitful, manipulative, detrimental with that information and acting as if that behavior is somehow justified and "right".

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Can it ever be justified? I'd say yes. Although certainly not in this case.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Okay I think your friend is also to blame here for basically being a pushover.

  1. Why is she allowing her in laws to spot check her facebook account? Can she not change her password so that they can no longer access it? I can understand if her husband is upset and wants to know more about the friend she was talking to, but MIL/FIL/SIL doing this scrutiny is crazy. Especially now that her fb conversations have revealed that she's NOT suicidal.

  2. Why is she letting herself be forcibly chauffered around by her in laws?

Being under constant scrutiny like this is likely taking a huge toll on her morale and self esteem.. not a good thing for someone who's attempted suicide before.

As for her marriage - maybe taking a break from each other is an option. Can she stay with her parents or friends for sometime to get out of this stressful family situation? Talking to a counsellor will also help.

If they HAVE to stay together for financial/kids reasons, they should talk about what can be done to make the situation more bearable. Living like this is not a sustainable option either for her or her husband.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

There relationship is strained to say the least. She admitted that before the conversations were printed off she had a conversation with her husband that they would remain ‘married’ for the sake of their children. He says to keep his Mother happy they need to obide by the rules which includes not talking to others about family business.

Nope she previously drove her own car to work but that’s been stopped by the elders. I guess it’s another form of monitoring.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Yes I agree she's being a pushover. However saying that I have not been in a similar situ where my parents have been called in as I'm caused shame to my in-laws family (I didn't mention that before as I didn't think it was to do with spying). Plus she's had Post Natal Depression-twice. I cannot imagine how sad she must feel and lonely as she says she gets no support. Thus I feel she is a pushover but cannot tell her to grow a backbone as I don't think it will help her.

She's going along with the spot checks to keep the peace. Her Mother suggested she did so as her sisters are married into the same family.

I honestly think her self esteem is non-existant at present. I think the acceptance of the way she's being treated is another way of attempting to keep the peace.

I don't understand how she is feeling or why she is doing what she is doing. She is educated, has two great kids MashAllah but I think the lack of support from her own family is driving her decision to take the abuse rather than do something about the situation.

I just hope I'm doing the right thing by listening to her and not telling her to leave the family home.

I've offered her a place to stay if she needs to get away for a bit but she says her in-laws will turn it into an affair (my husband and her).

As for the SIL, I know she was previously interested in my friends single brother but he wasn't interested as he thought it would be way too complicated in regards to family dynamics. Perhaps she was looking for revenge. Who knows.

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Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Spying on another muslim, and then spreading of the discovery is considered Nameemah. It is a sin according to some ahadiths.

Read more here,

[quote]
Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Some of the scholars said that tahassus ‘eavesdropping’] means listening to other people’s conversations, and tajassus ‘spying’] means seeking out their faults. Or it was suggested that tajassus means looking for secrets. The word is mostly used in the sense of evil. The jaasoos (spy) is the one who seeks out secrets for evil purposes and the naamoos is the one who seeks out secrets for good purposes. And it was said that tajassus means looking for information for someone else, and tahassus means looking for information for oneself. This was the view of Tha’lab. And it was said that they mean one and the same, which is seeking out information about people’s circumstances.”

al-Bukhaari (7042) narrated from Ibn ‘Abbaas that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever speaks of a dream that he did not actually see will be ordered [on the Day of Judgement] to tie two grains of barley together, and he will never be able to do so. Whoever listens in on other people’s conversations when they do not like that will have molten lead poured into his ears on the Day of Resurrection. Whoever makes an image will be punished and will be ordered to breath life into it, and he will not be able to do so.”

[/quote]