Can you justify spying on family?

[StormRaiser]

Re: Can you justify spying on family?

@Paheli00

I find it interesting that you think the woman’s suicide will destroy the husband’s family’s lives…yet no mention of the woman’s family or her 2 kids.

For the SIL it is Protect My Own A$$ before you protect somebody else’s

And assuming that the SIL really did it out of concern (ie. to see if the wife still was suicidal)…when she found out that the girl is NOT suicidal…why not keep the conversations private? Why share the fact that she spied and the conversations themselves with the MIL and throw all that private info. back in her face? Is it really a good idea to tell a woman with a history of depression/suicide that she dishonored the family by talking about her unhappiness with friends?

Obviously the girl would not have been singing paeans about the in-laws’ to her friends. There would be a tendency to exaggerate. It is just human nature. When confronted obviously the source would have been asked for. The SIL would have blurted out this information in the heat of the moment. A relationship that is headed south takes a lot of lives along with it. In better times nobody would think of doing these things. These are difficult times and I sympathize with the SIL for doing what she had to.

[StormRaiser]

Re: Can you justify spying on family?

@Paheli00

I'm sure others could justify doing it for a victim. All boils down to personal opinion. I simply wrote what I would do in that situation. I'm only referring to adults. I have known/currently know too many people (often b/c of my profession) who desperately want help getting out of an abusive situation. Thus I tend to focus on them. For me personally, I choose not to focus too much on adults who choose to stay in a bad situation despite having plenty of resources to ask for help. I'm not going to resort to spying to find out if an adult who is fully capable of seeking help (ie. excluding elders) is being mistreated. Again, others may disagree but that's my opinion.

You are entitled to your opinions and me to mine :o

That said personally believe that it is not fully black and white. There are different shades of grey. The first question asked to the victim when she in a difficult position is how exactly she got into that position. The person might be judged and her name carried through mud. I think it is important that we take each situation individually rather than generalizing. That said, this is my opinion and I honestly believe I am entitled to it. :D

[Reha]

Re: Can you justify spying on family?

I don't think the in-law's or the opinions of the in-laws should matter so much. I do not think her committing suicide will have any impact on her inlaws' lives or will destroy them at all.

I am not married but I don't think I could ever live under ANYONE'S thumb like this. Its inhumane and has no place in today's educated society. Why is it inhumane? Respect for someone's space, privacy and life choices is a very basic component of ANY relationship - be it romantic, professional or platonic. After a course of time, these things eat at someone's self-esteem. They start to believe they're not worthy of trust or respect.

Spying is only justified when you suspect danger or actual foul play. In this scenario, the in-laws are trying to paint themselves as victims and they're not.

I also believe its foolish of her family to advise to stick this out because her sisters are married into this family.

Who the heck cares?! If those men leave their wives because of problems ANOTHER couple is having, they're stupid. Plain and simple.

We're not living in the 13th century folks. To the OP, tell your friend to do what is best for her and her kids. Forget the sisters and anyone else involved because at the end of the day, none of the people she's protecting right now are paying her bills or dealing the drama she has to deal with.

[Reha]

Re: Can you justify spying on family?

What kind of mother tells her daughter to deal with a crappy marriage for the sake of another daughter?

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Can you justify spying on family?

This is crazy! Who does this kind of thing ? Why can't desis just be normal? Why the drama ?

[doppelkopf]

Re: Can you justify spying on family?

@PyariCgudia

This is crazy! Who does this kind of thing ? Why can’t desis just be normal? Why the drama ?

And digging up someone’s past police records isn’t spying and perfectly normal :halo:

[Hadeel]

Re: Can you justify spying on family?

I am so amazed at how people think and what lengths they can go to sabotage someone elses life. Seriously it makes me sick to the gut.

I can never ever imagine someone could do this. The world is a real off place. Times like these when I really get disgusted and disappointed in mankind and its thought process. Prayers for your friend. Hope things get better for her inshaAllah.

[Princess1983]

Re: Can you justify spying on family?

Right I've spoken to said friend since originally posting.

Reha-I spoke to her about dealing with the situ head on. I didn't tell her to leave (as I said before shes quite depressed) and well I didn't want to pressurise her and for her to feel she cannot contact me if she needs help.

Truthfully I was quite abrupt about the fact her Mother wants her to stay in the situation and she replied with the fact her family came from a different area in Pak to mine and I wouldn't understand their way of thinking. For them it's fairly normal to 'qurban' your own happiness for your parents izaath and for your families happiness. I personally don't see how the heck that works but hey ho.

Hadeel-it's quite sickening and scary to say the least.

Thanks guys for the input. Sadly I can't get through to my friend and make any sense of the situation. Feel useless but can only do so much without turning her life into a bigger drama.