Can secrets hurt a relationship?

Lifestyle Relationships
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**Does your partner know that your ex’s e-mails still rest in your inbox’s secret folder? Or for that matter, does your partner know that you have an e-mail ID that’s very, very private? Or do you wish you had told him or her about that new pair of designer and frightfully expensive (of course!) sunglasses that you have stashed in your cupboard? It is said that honesty is the best policy, but do you think ‘absolute honesty’ is actually the best policy when it comes to relationships? Do you believe in sharing everything - every thought, every secret desire, every feeling - with your partner? Or do you think it’s not necessary to share everything; a few secrets after all, add that bit of spice to your relationship! **

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

Better to bury/erase all the past evidences/things even those related to sentimental values of everything/everyone that shouldn't concern you or your present spouse in your present relationship/life.

No need to keep secrets but why share unnecessary information. Things that would only lead to creating misunderstandings/suspicions "waswasas" in your spouse's heart, why to make her life and your own difficult. Keep things simple and share everything that improves/strengthens your mutual relationship. Your present spouse has a right to know about what you do after your marriage with him/her. Rest would only come back to haunt you (and even her, if shared) if you didn't erase it from your mind/diary and heart/soul in order to move on in life.

These things, if not gotten over with (as soon as possible) would cause hindrance in your progress in life and in dealing with the challenges/tests that awaits you. (Better to strengthen your mutual bond before those tests hit you suddenly)

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

its right for you to keep secrets...........wrong for the other person to keep them.

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

I've seen people who're adamant enough to make it clear how they wish to know every single past antics that may concern them today or at any given time down the road and in return of their own honesty about their past actions. While I've also come across one woman who wished to keep it all a secret and not be interested/keen in informing about her past history at the condition of not asking his.

Speaking from a personal perspective. I'd be inclined to let it all be known to the woman beforehand and once asked. If that doesn't kill her and in return us, It only guarantees us to become stronger in the end and without having the awkward feeling of knowing you've kept stuff from your wife throughout.

So yes, she deserves to know it all.

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

I agree, but sins should never be shared with anyone. Only Allah (swt) understands our intentions behind them and only His forgiveness has no limits. Human is 'kam zarf" (low tolerance level).

In tough times/arguments/disagreements those past sins that you shared would pop-up to their mind in order to make a negative judgement about your personality/character, by relating those past sins/mistakes to your present views/actions and tempt them to come up to a negative conclusion about you..

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

^Allah will forgive our hidden sins easily

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

R.A.W. Bhai I totally understand where you're coming from.

On the contrary however, I also believe, once asked about my past. I'd be left with two viable options to choose from. I could either deceive/lie or let it be known truthfully.

I'd still much rather choose the latter than to accumulate more sins that could easily have been avoided if I was to keep faith in the almighty.

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

I think it's stupid to want to hold on to past relationships when you're in a new one. Isn't obvious anyone would be pissed if they found their SO/partner keeping emails in a hidden folder or had a private email account just for reasons like that? It's plain shady and if you want trust issues or similar problems in your relationship, then keep at it and eventually your relationship will deteriorate. (not saying this at the OP but anyone who does this). As for things like expensive shopping sprees and sunglasses etc, you are not obligated to if it's your own money. If it's from his income and your situation is tight, he probably should know. Most likely, he wont make a big issue out of it?

As for telling each and every single secret, hidden desire and thought? That is not necessary. There are some things which you want to leave in the past and if you think it will somehow have a negative impact on your relationship, it's best to keep it hidden. But there are still exceptions. It's up to you, being their partner, to know what is expected of you to share. The past is the past and bringing it back is probably not going to do any good.

Emails and other reminders of past relationships or private emails containing reminders of ex's is just plain shady and frankly, quite dumb.

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

I guess the secrets that have no repercussion on my life with him should be ideally kept secret! However knowing myself, i think if i ever had a secret i would feel more comfortable just sharing it with him and getting over with it :bummer:.

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

^same. Unless it was something SO terrible (but then again, I dont have any secrets like that).

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

Brother Exudus, I agree. Very few people have the courage to do that, Masha'Allah. My point was in reference to a hadith in which the Prophet (saw) didn't allow us to share our personal sins with anyone and keep asking Allah (swt) for forgiveness. There are a number of reasons for that. One is that Allah (swt) forgives us immediately when we seek forgiveness of the sins that only HE knows, but if me make more witnesses than that would cause problems for us during our trial on the day of judgement. Also 'evil' spreads by sharing. (Innocent/ignorant people might also develop a curiosity/desire for tasting that path of sinning, that they weren't aware of earlier)

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

ummmmmm

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

there may always be that one email lurking in your inbox... i dont know... some people may just want to keep it for 'memories'. i think it is fine as far as u do not have any feelings or regrets and if your ex is now just friends with you.

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

What M_was_here said..

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

the old relationship stuff should've been deleted and in the trash folder(except for the expensive sunglasses:D..'course, with those a little white lie wouldn't do any harm) but with the failed relationship stuff, that old baggage that was a learning experience should be left in the past, there is no need to talk about it with this person you would be spending your life with.....you never know how he would take it seeing those emails, it's best not to open old wounds, the result might not be pleasant at all and might even lead to pain for you.

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

I wouldn't share secrets that have absolutely 0 impact on my future with a woman but would still hurt her if she found out. One may argue, "but if it hurts her then it does have some impact".

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

Secrets that might hurt your relationship if revealed I would rather have kept closed. In the same way if a secret kept is hurting a relationhip, yes it will hurt big time.

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

Much respect Brother. In reference to the Hadith my kind Brother speaks of. Could you please link me up to it? Jazak'Allah Khair.

What I'm curious to enlighten myself about are the following questions that come to mind.

Despite all the efforts of making it clear to her about the contents of the Hadith. What if she continues to seek for the truth, which is afterall her right to know too?

Should one choose to not reveal it out to her and continue to bring her attention towards the Hadith?

Should one lie and make up a fairytale story?

Should one just let her be on your case or choose to cut contact with her in case the Nikkah has not yet been performed but is scheduled?

Or just be honest and tell her exactly what she needs to know while keeping your faith in the Almighty?

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

^ Brother, your concern is logical. I would inshaAllah post the link to the hadith, am now not in a position to do so.

Just my view that can be wrong. One's sins before marriage is non of one's spouses business and his/her curiosity in this regard is not justified and totally wrong. What exactly is s/he hunting for, when one has already repented and isn't the same person anymore (determined to be a better person) ? What benefit does it give him/her. Those who share, regret later. In the heat of the moment during tense disagreements it comes out of their mouth:

" Yeah, I knew it that very day, who you are.........when you told me about that incident of yours"

p.s. Alhamdulillah, never happened to me, but sharing it on the basis of what I learned from others.

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Re: Can secrets hurt a relationship?

Brother Exodus, when I thought about it from her (a wife's) perspective I realized that sometimes if the girl becomes aware that a husband (to be) might have done some "shady things" at some point in his life, she might feel she has the right to know about that incident from him. Not because she's trying to make his life difficult, but because she might feel as if it will give her more insight into who she's considering for marriage. On her part, she might feel that she needs to know everything and that if she finds out all of his disturbing secrets after marriage, she might feel as if she was "trapped." Her thoughts are reasonable because unfortunately, at times it turns out that a husbands past sins are still part of his present (to a certain extent). She might be just asking all this for her own security, which she has a perfect right to. But then again, she should herself also have that clean past in order to feel that she deserves what she earned. Tit for tat.

There are two options available. If one is seriously determined never ever to commit those mistakes again (by the grace of Allah swt) then one should just change the topic through jokes, like "Why are you asking all these details :D" (still giving her a clear idea of one's real personality in general) Otherwise one should just tell her indirectly, without going into details that she shouldn't be expecting to have married an angel. We all make mistakes and the level of my mistakes are such and such. My priorities are such and such. My level of dedication towards my faith/career/family...etc. is such and such.....So that she should have enough insight for considering if this marriage is suitable (for both of them).