can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

[coffeegirl]

Re: dad wants me to marry a cousin in pakistan

@Princess1983

Firstly, I will apoligise in advance for offending you as it’s likely I will do so in this post. I’m basing my outlook on what you have said.

You say your way of thinking is more British than Asian yet your Father literally has his brain, heart, soul etc etc stuck back in Pakistan. He didn’t want you to get an education and clearly likes control. So basically even though hes been in England hes been living like a Pakistani from a village with no intention of changing or adapting to life and he didn’t want you or your family to do so either. So my question is why do you expect anything different to what is actually happening?

Conversative is not how your Father is thinking. That is actually insulting to the Fathers who are conservative and actually wish to protect their child.

Do you seriously expect such a Father to take you to Pakistan and not FORCE you into a marriage to benefit himself?

So your father seems to be a lazy pendoo who throws his lazy weight about YET you are caught up in bad parenting. Who wants the best for you? Clearly not your parents. You say your Mother wants the best for you. So is she packing your bags for you and sending you off to somewhere your Father can’t get to you?

If you are struggling to find a job you may wish to look at the main reason-there are plenty of girls out there with just A-levels and nothing beyond that. You need to stick out in the job market. This comes with more qualifications and experience.

So your Father doesn’t believe in the local Imams because they ask for charity yet he happily claims WELFARE. What does he think that is? Compensation?!

Seriously, you need to think about what you want out of life. Being of Pakistani origin doesn’t mean you have to be a pendoo or live like a second class citizen married to a pendoo chained to the sink all day whilst claiming benefits because you make more on them than working (the British Government is too soft-and that statement comes from my Grandfather who moved to the UK in 1957 and worked 18 hours a day 6 days a week for over 25 years).

Being a good Muslim is much more important than being a Pakistani to your Fathers standards! You need to think about yourself in this; not your siblings. They actually are not your problem. And if you take the abuse given to you others are likely to follow suit.

My Mothers Father in Pakistan had a similar way of thinking-although he did work so there’s a bit of a difference. He didn’t respect women, threw his weight around and constantly threatened by Nanoo with divorce. Imagine back in the day. She was an orphan and feared being lumbered with children and no source of income. Saying that though he was uneducated and didn’t live in England. Most of my Khalas are married into good families and that was of course by the grace of ALLAH. My Nana worked damn hard to make her family work.

My Dada (grandfather) is his brother however my Dada chose to get an education back in the early 50s. He rode his bike to School and later College for miles to get there. He then moved to Karachi and made enough money to buy a ticket to England, and the rest for him is history.

We are a family of Hijaabis-out Dada never let go of our religion however culture he adapted to suit us. I’m proud of him and what my chacha (a Headteacher) and puppus have achieved. But none of this would be possible if my Grandfather hadn’t been supportive with his children.
Before anyone asks-we are from the Punjab.

Thank you so much for your reply. Funnily enough I did not find anything in it offence because you professed my mind in better words.

One thing I would like to make clear is that I am fighting for my education and am studying for my degree and on an active look out for work. I hate being on benefits, tbh I refused to go on benefits because I felt really bad because I felt like I did not deserve them but again my dad kept on and on and on and on at me about my ‘right’ from the government and so I claimed and am getting a source of money which is not my dads, However I would love to come of them today if I can.

My values will not instate me to live a life of benefits.

Thanks to everyone who has replied and helped.
This is what I plan to do Inshallah…

I plan on telling my parents straight out no and saying I am not going to Pakistan to see what happens.
Also in a few weeks time, my dad’s sister is coming from Pakistan so I shall be seeing what she is like and see what sort of views she holds and it will hopefully make things clearer to me.
I will also Inshallah with all your dua’s be successful with a job.
Many of the strong answers on here has made me very very determined again so JK for that, May Allah reward you abundantly.

One thing, I would like cleared is whenever I try and contradict my father…he resorts with

’ you are disobeying me and children who disobey their parents always fall on their feet and are never successful’

what can I say to him that is Islamically correct and strong enough to send him quite?