I recently met a girl who got married to someone back home and then came back here for a little bit to sponsor him and is now going back to live with him. She was living with her parents when she was here and instead of finding a job and saving up for when he comes here she decided to stay with him until his process is done and then both of them would come back and live with her parents until they find a job and are financially stable to move out. My mom was saying how many of my dad’s friends’ daughters did that. Why would girls want to be a burden on their parents by doing something like this? Doesn’t it make more sense to stay here and work and save up so they can live on their own when the husband gets here? It is understandable if they want to stay with the parents for a week or two when he comes but considering how the economy is now, and finding jobs is so hard and saving up enough to move out is even harder, why would someone want to be a financial burden on their parents for months on end?
Re: Burden on parents
what about the guys?? how could they even allow for that? I find it very strange. If you get married, you should have enough saved to at least provide your wife her own place. A ghar damaad is just... wrong!
Re: Burden on parents
well if they pressured her into marrying a guy from overseas, they should deal with the consequences (i.e., of "keeping" them until they're stable).
Re: Burden on parents
well if they pressured her into marrying a guy from overseas, they should deal with the consequences (i.e., of "keeping" them until they're stable).
This! And ideally nobody wants to be a burden on anybody, everybody wants to be independent and free. Not everybody has a smooth life, you end up making compromises, maybe this a compromise for both the parents and their daughter. Most girls that get married abroad do end up living with their parents for at the LEAST a few months if not more.
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Re: Burden on parents
what about the guys?? how could they even allow for that? I find it very strange. If you get married, you should have enough saved to at least provide your wife her own place. A ghar damaad is just... wrong!
I don't think this guy is a ghar damaad though. He seems like he just might need some time to get on his feet and that's all. Lots of people go through similar stages when they come to the States. Its just a beginning. However, I do agree with spoko that he and his wife should be better planners and not DEPEND on parental support. Its a last resort and should only be used or relied upon in cases of emergency or need.
Re: Burden on parents
Why would girls want to be a burden on their parents by doing something like this?
Because those are the types of values/morals these girls learned from their parents. Besides....the parents clearly don't have an issue with their adult daughter getting married while being fully aware that their daughter does not have enough income/savings to support herself and her imported husband, and will need to be financially supported for months on end.
Re: Burden on parents
Im one of those girls. While my husband's visa process was underway I stayed with my parents and worked. When he came to Aus, we stayed with my parents for 6 months until we had saved enough to buy a house. The way Australia's rental market is, it was smarter to buy than to pay the same amount in rent. My parents didn't mind, we contributed to household grocery and utilities bills.
Also, my opinion is that we are never a burden to our parents. I have just as much right to ask them for help as my unmarried siblings. Our parents are always there to support us whenever they can. And insha Allah i'll always be there for my parents when they need it.
Re: Burden on parents
While my husband's visa process was underway I stayed with my parents and worked. When he came to Aus, we stayed with my parents for 6 months until we had saved enough to buy a house. The way Australia's rental market is, it was smarter to buy than to pay the same amount in rent. My parents didn't mind, we contributed to household grocery and utilities bills.
The bold part makes your situation completely different that the girl OP met (and I commend you for choosing to work during that time). Unlike you, that girl is choosing to stay with her husband until his process is finished. She's not going to stay with her parents and work/save $ while her husband's visa issues are sorted out.
She was living with her parents when she was here and instead of finding a job and saving up for when he comes here she decided to stay with him until his process is done and then both of them would come back and live with her parents until they find a job and are financially stable to move out.
Re: Burden on parents
Can we give this girl a break. We all now how difficult long distance relationships can be. She has been married newly and it is good that she is spending time with him rather than be somewhere else.
Her parents do not have an issue with it. So why should you...
OP--- Are you planning to get married anytime soon. Your mom's statements might have been a hint to you...
Re: Burden on parents
I've been married for more than two years.
I have nothing against asking parents for help but there is a big difference between helping and outright supporting an adult daughter AND her husband. None of these girls were pressured into marrying a guy from back home as far as I know. In fact one of them married a guy of her choice, some cousin or such person. I get how long distance relationships can be difficult but does that mean you become a financial burden on your parents just because you want to spend time with your husband?
One of my dad's friend's daughter did this and when she came here neither her nor her husband could find a proper job for many months. One of them worked part time at Timmy's and they weren't even making enough to contribute to the household expenses. They stayed with her parents for so long that her mom confided how it was getting so difficult because her dad was so old but he still had to go to work everyday to support not only his unmarried children but his married daughter and damaad. They would never say anything to their daughter of course because it's not like she could help her situation at this point.
Maybe this is the reason why many desi parents end up being so dependent on their children in their old age. They are supporting their children when they are adults and should be able to support themselves, and that's why they probably never end up saving enough for their retirement.
Re: Burden on parents
it works differently for different families. if some families are okay with this let it be, its their choice. if you or ur mom are not ok with this kind of set-up then just let it be, you have a choice too. simple rule live and let live.
PS: one of the way best way in my opinion is if you are getting married to a guy from back home and need him immigrate then its better if you do only the nikkah and not the rukhsati till the guy's visa process is all done and he lands in ur country, gets a job, save up sum sufficient amount and is capable of providing for himself and his wife in a separate house.
Re: Burden on parents
How does this make any difference? 
Re: Burden on parents
Daughters can never be a burden to the parents. Yes there should be a plan in place, instead of just waiting for the guy to get here and then start looking for work. It's a big burden financially on anyone who has to support the couple. My sis was in the same situation, but my parents would never ask my sis to work or to make her own money..they sent her back to pak as husband waited for visa...this gave them time to get to know each other..the bond was established by the time husband came to u.s...otherwise what happens is, the husband comes..is fully stressed to find a job, and the couple don't get to really know each other like they would in pak with the free time and all...many times there are problems and fights since as soon as the husband arrives, he is faced with financial pressures and stress and naturally that causes decreased tolerance and more fights etc. husbands finds work and that's the rest of his life..the couple never really had down time to know each other
Re: Burden on parents
^ Based on what you wrote here…I’m surprised you didn’t advice OP on the other “Complications of Marriage” thread to go back to Pak to spend all this quality time with her husband. 
Re: Burden on parents
Good point but I don’t know the situation (financial/ job) of either of the of posters. In the “complications of Marriage” OP looked like she had already decided to come back and was just sad about it…if she has the option to stay, i would recommend it since that will give her a unique setting that will probably never be available to her again i.e down time to spend with husband..helps husband psychologically as he doesn’t feel like a loser and hosts you and takers care of you and shows you around..when he comes to U.S the roles reverse at least initially with some psychological ramifications too I am sure. That’s what my sis did..it worked out fine and my B-in law is an upstanding ghairatmand guy who started looking for work from day 1 and didn’t want any financial help from my parents…he found a tough blue collar job quickly through our connections.. took it right away, started working and found a his white collar job in a few months. That was all from Allah, and other people’s circumstances may be different. But in short, do it if you can ..take advantage..uss kay baad sari life kaam hee kaam hey to hai…
Well..in my humble opinion..it is never good to be dependent on parents after marriage. If you cant afford to get married then dont. Now as for cases as OP exactly.. where ya gota travel to pak to get married and and bring your spouse here and let woman's parent go through hardship..this isnt cool..unless they can really afford it and are willing to help guy out. Khair..to each their own.
Re: Burden on parents
How can he get a visa anyway if she's.not working or even in the same country
Re: Burden on parents
there are no minimum income requirements for spouse visa and apparently people can apply and go back for extended visits.
i am not against parents helping their kids out but i feel it's so selfish of the kids to not think of their parents in the bigger picture. in all of the replies posted above it's all about how the "couple" ought to spend time together and how the "couple" needs help adjusting to the new life etc. what about the parents? first they spend their young years working hard to raise their kids, then they spend their old years working hard to support their kids and spouses.
^Exactly.
.i mean..it is ok if ya want to bring your spouse here but understand that marriage is a big responsiblity. I find it very hard to believe that two mature and married adults relying on parents to support them..