Its the MIL again. Shouldn’t bother me now but it does bother me that she’s the way she is she complains and is never satisfied with whatever I do so its best I do nothing. My rotis salans etc are never good enough I could wear myself out but she won’t care so I’d rather not bother. I have my own floor in our home. Yet she came upstairs on my floor and ‘changed’ settings around moving even small things like cups and plates in the showcase cupboard that all Pakistanis have here
She took away a picture of my and sister that I had put up in the cupboard.
She’s soon infuriatating I wish I could do hurtful things to her and I don’t need tension.
Its.not about me going in a week so not to worry. Her behaviour will remain so next time I come and forever. Have no idea whats made her this way towards me its from pre-shaadi days.
Sorry that this is happening to you. I wish everything is better for you in shaa Allah.
First of all, you didn't mention if you were able to discuss this matter with your husband or a close relative that wishes well for you. It might be nice getting some guidance on how to deal with the matter.
Secondly, have you ever had an opportunity to talk to her about the way she makes you feel. I like to give people benefit of the doubt. Maybe she doesn't mean anything by the way she behaves.
Let me know if you have done these things in the past.
I understand, as I got married at a very young age. (17).
You need to develop some people skills. Ok, lets suppose your mil is the worst person on earth but she is a permanent part of your life because you are married to her son. So, though you can run away from her, she'l still have a role in your life. Why don't then you learn to 'adjust' with her? I mean most of the things that irritate you, are not worth creating a fuss about. Think about what it does to your husband? to your kids? to yourself? Its just plates, clothes, bla bla. Stop caring about these things and start caring about yourself and your family.
Well, I believe in one thing as a wife. If you have your husband on your side and he is loving/caring towards you, try your best to keep him happy. Try to work things out with his mother, it will make him appreciate you and love you even more than you can imagine.
Telling your husband constantly about his mother and ways that she upsets you- in the long run might make it seem like you are the one who is the problem.
I would disagree with being chalaak. Keep your thoughts clear and heart clean towards her. Allah will reward you for that. Trust me.
Try doing things the way your mother in law likes and make room in her heart. In shaa Allah. As daughter in laws- we must kill the ego and compromise.
Nadz, IMHO come people simply like to invade the 'spaces' of others thus creating such problems like yours.
I've noticed the pattern more with expat DILs living with their in-laws abroad.
Sadly some don't want to change allowing growth of their own child; and some don't respect people enough to give them space of their own.
Before people bash me or OP saying it's her MILs house as far as I'm aware Nadz inlaws were involved with the marriage so it's not like she was a surprise on them so giving a bit of space to the son and DIL shouldn't be too much to ask.
You mention that you don't know why she's this way with you. You don't need to respond on here but I would say a lot of MILs have a girl in mind for their son; could be a niece or stranger but there's an image in their head (and sometimes they have an actual girl in mind). When things don't go their way (I call it Kismet but hey) the MIL gets frustrated and takes it out on the DIL she didn't want. Could this be something your MIL is suffering from?
Are you moving back to the UK? Do you plan to move back out there again?
Okay, if this is too personal don't answer it; were you HER first choice as DIL? Some couples have different preferences for their sons and daughters?
If you ain't the first choice for your MIL she may be holding that against you. As long as your husband ain't jumping on the bandwagon or forcing you into a situ you ain't comfortable with you should be able to 'exist' within the family structure-even if the role is extremely small. Your still the Mother of her grandchildren even if she don't like you.
Nadz...You only have a little bit of time left here...who cares what she does?
She's trying to tell you your space isn't really your space. If I were you, I'd just put my stuff back the way it was. "Ghalti se ammi ne picture hatadi hogi...koi baat nahin..."
what happened to the picture ???
don't force yourself to do what is not in your nature so whether you are trying to be chalaak or to be more friendly..... keep that in your mind that unless you have the power to train your mind to ignore and not give weight to what she says ..... do not hide and pretend that everything is ok. Say it! Do it twice or thrice eventually it will stop. but do it nicely. "Aray yeh aaap any kyoon move kur dia ..... it looked good here" "jokingly aray aap mairay janay kaa wait tu kur lein .... yahein para rehnay thein humari yaad hay app kay liyay etc" could be said in many ways depending on what is your relationship with her.
And intrusive MIL are plenty ...... it comes as a second nature to them. In their defence they dont really realize it. so give them some benefit of doubt but politly let them know too. and no two people can agree on everything ..... MIL tu relation hi aisa hay kay everythingn they say looks eith double meaning and everything we do looks mean and not needed. :) so take it easy and don't punish yourself by thinking too much into it. I live with my in-laws and it took me three years to realize that
- I shouldn't hide my feelings but say it politely ......
- Respect but be assertive and realize what is my place to take a stand.
- don;t pretend that it didn't effect me. because i know i will be crying when i get inside my room anyways or take it out on other non related people.
- and someother stuff that you don't need to know as you will be leaving. So don't fret! it is no big deal.... .there are more problems out there.
I think she feels its her house and she has a right over what belongs where, so Nadz if you build a house, then someone else comes to live in a portion, u would still feel its your house and u have the right to decide how things are kept. go into her position to understand her behavior and once u understand her u will accept how she is. and once u accept, u can deal with it accordingly.
I think she feels its her house and she has a right over what belongs where, so Nadz if you build a house, then someone else comes to live in a portion, u would still feel its your house and u have the right to decide how things are kept. go into her position to understand her behavior and once u understand her u will accept how she is. and once u accept, u can deal with it accordingly.
Hhhmmm sorry but I don't agree.
If you are willing to treat a DIL like this (e.g. throw around authority because its your house) then you shouldn't have married off your son with the pretense of him and his family living under the roof created by their parents. They should have waited for their son to build a house and THEN married him off when he was 101% independant of the family home.
I can see Nadz frustration; if you are not given your own 'space' in a house you are meant to treat like home it automatically creates issues.
Privacy and wanting to be able to do things your own way is a human nature.
If you are willing to treat a DIL like this (e.g. throw around authority because its your house) then you shouldn't have married off your son with the pretense of him and his family living under the roof created by their parents. They should have waited for their son to build a house and THEN married him off when he was 101% independant of the family home.
I can see Nadz frustration; if you are not given your own 'space' in a house you are meant to treat like home it automatically creates issues.
Privacy and wanting to be able to do things your own way is a human nature.
I am not saying that this is good but thats how it is in joint family systems. Building a house back there is not an easy thing, especially if you worked, raised kids and did home work, like her MIL (like mines too, same situation) so you work your ass off and there comes a bahu claiming her portion/right, would you as person not say, first earn before you ask your rights, well that's how I would be to be very honest, thats called territory where countries have fights over, its human nature. And if you dont like the person, no one wants to share. thats the case here.
I am not saying that this is good but thats how it is in joint family systems. Building a house back there is not an easy thing, especially if you worked, raised kids and did home work, like her MIL (like mines too, same situation) so you work your ass off and there comes a bahu claiming her portion/right, would you as person not say, first earn before you ask your rights, well that's how I would be to be very honest, thats called territory where countries have fights over, its human nature. And if you dont like the person, no one wants to share. thats the case here.
Now if its right or wrong I am not here to judge.
I'm not judging OP etc either.
I wouldn't marry off my child if that was my way of thinking (e.g. I earned it; it's mine NOT my families)-that's my opinion. Most people earn a living and raise children; their kids marry no one expects the kids to pay their parents back before being able to live in their family home without having fear of their partner doing something that would upset the in-laws. You asked so I gave it. If I felt that way I would wait for my child to earn enough to sustain their own home.
As for not liking each other. If you cannot 'park' the issues then it's best to avoid the person. This was the advice I was given by a councillor recently. So giving your DIL the space instead of meddling would be better for her (and all MILs in general).
Why marry off your son if he hasn't got his own space then? Surely when anyone (talking generally here) marries off their son they expect their DIL to join them in that house? And the fact she has children-their grandchildren still doesn't give her the 'right' to put things in the said space the way she wants? So why not wait until he did have his own house if that's the said in-laws mindset? That's what I'm saying. I don't agree with you; I never said it was wrong or right. Truth is when you marry off your child the majority of the time you gain a family member-no?
Building a home anywhere is never easy; it takes hardwork. But when you build a home (I'm talking generally here) you do so for your family. When you marry off your children (again generally) you do so for the sake of your children right? So why cause drama in your sons life by not allowing your DIL to have some space? It's not like Nadz is going to being that home back to the UK where I am assuming the couple now intend to live?
I just find it astounding that in this day and age people (like OP MIL based on what OP has said) can marry off their children; especially their sons and then expect their DILs to accept their behaviour that lets face it they wouldn't want their own daughters to go through simply because they feel it's their house; not a family home and it's okay for the son to possibly do as he would wish but the DIL would need to mould herself to the ways of the in-laws.
If MILs wish for DILs to treat their said home as their own and not separate from them and cause DIL/MIL drama then giving space is something that comes with it. If you don't DILs will find a way of finding it; in OPs case it's a move back to the UK.
