British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

Continued.... I think it was a great idea because one of them is already engaged and will be married soon iA.
So just as a suggestion, the ppl having trouble finding rishtas, why don't they enroll in something like an exchange program in a middle eastern country ( a lot of desis there) or for some course in Pakistan and maybe increase ur chances of finding a good match? And a good excuses to give relatives is that u haven't lived in Pakistan and you ( or ur parents ) would like to experience it and just enjoy it for a while. I know it's not feasible for the ppl who are already working and wanted to push forward their careers, but the ones still in university can try this out?

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

Hi I've been a silent reader for a while now and just signed up recently. There seem to be a lot of threads with ppl in US and UK having trouble finding rishtas and then having to marry retarded cousins or ppl that they don't know that wel land then the marriage ending in disaster.
The taking advantage thing goes both ways, since sometimes the pak ppl are trying to move abroad somehow, or when they bag a good well off parha likha rishta that have no desire to go abroad then there are probs between the couple or with in laws about the girl "stealing" the guy from his family, or the girl just generally being unhappy about not living in US/UK and finding ways to do so.
With personal experience in the second case (happened to my brother), the inlaws really do wonder that if the girl was so adamant about living in US/UK then why didn't they just find a guy living there. Why did they marry our son and then try to abduct him.
And frankly speaking a lot of the families they get married into without clarifying what is expected or what the girl/guy want its misleading really and just creates problems later. But at that moment they just want to bag the good catch and deal with it later.
Anyway I know I'm rambling but the main thing I wanted to get across was a sort of a solution that one of my relatives came up with. They have 3 daughters of marriageable age and living in the US and they were having trouble finding rishtas. One got engaged and then "disengaged" (arranged) and one got nikhahed and then "disnikahed" (love, cousin) and both were for similar reasons I think (making guy move to US). Long story short, mom decided to send both daughters for Masters to a desi populated region so that there were greater chances of them finding a guy where everything clicked. Btw they are not an overly liberal family, they were never allowed to date or wear revealing clothes etc. but they came up with this as an attempt to solve the problem.

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

Sorry I'm on my phone and a new member so messed up my post. I had always wanted to post this since I had been a GS reader and I didn't read this whole thread but my idea seemed related to I just went ahead and rambled. Sorry again!

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

Dear OP, the guy you said is of your age means he is also just 21? i think this is too early for any guy to get married. they are not just equipped well to handle a sensitive R/S like marriage at this young age in most of the cases.

on other hand, you mentioned about the remark he made at the park, and again he was just 17 at that time. are you sure he really meant what he said then and does he has that kind of mindset up till now? or has he matured over the time like you have?

you only mentioned one incidence, so m not sure if there are other incidences that made you certain that there is no comparability between you and him.

as for your concern whether someone back home marries you for the visa only, then you can simply mention at the time of proposal meetings that you wish to stay in Pak with your husband and not keen to settle in UK after marriage. the ones who would be interested in your proposal just for settling abroad would back off themselves. and believe me there are many guys and families in Pakistan who do not wish to settle abroad or do not wish to use their wives nationality or see them as a ticket to foreign land.

all in all my advice is that you should re-analyze your situation and even then if you do not bring yourself into marrying this cousin then please do not. do not marry him just because you think there would be no other options for you. this should never be the reason to marry someone. this will be unfair not only to you but also for the person you marry.

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British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

Well.. you have the option of either upsetting your family now by saying no before the wedding; or you have the option of upsetting them after the wedding...when everything is likely to fall apart because you are going in with the wrong mind set.. I.e. you hate him already.

So chose your options of the two, because both have consequences; but bear in mind that your family will hurt more if its a marriage falling apart, rather than a so called arrangement.

Please dont give us the 'oh i hate him but im marrying him for my parents' crap. You're parents aren't marrying him, you are. You will be facing the consequences. So dont try to lay the responsibility on them, when they have given you the option to say no, and you refuse to do so.

Hence you will be responsible for any mishaps , not them. This is where you use your education and courage to step up, not hide behind your parents.

Also you are not obliged to marry your bil's brother, nor be married by the age of 22. These are silly notions that girls have that get them in trouble in the first place. You have a right to say no, so using it does not make you selfish, but those who object to your making your decision def. are.

Be honest; Will you really regret not marrying this particular cousin.. Even if you were 40 years old?

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22 - you're a baby :(

Don't do it my dear. You'll have a life of misery with this guy. I was ready to get married at 19 but ended up only getting married at 31. I am so grateful I waited for the right person and I still feel young!

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

Okay firstly a lot of this garbage these desi boys throw around is because the woman in their family namely their months allow it. Sexism (that's what I call it) was invented by them. It seems your family are not willing to think outside the boy sweets. If I'm honest with with you my husband comes from a Pathan family and my MIL would make the comments that 'only kanj$$is wear western clothes' without even looking at what clothes I actually wear when I'm in the UK. SADLY unless this guy is highly educated and actually understands the idea 'when in Rome....' you will be stuck with one of those guys who really doesn't give a crap about you but more of what others think. If he makes such comments what about his family?Do you really want to be connected to these guys as these comments could be just the tip of the iceberg.

Why can't your family find a decent ristaa outside your family in the UK? Is this because of caste? There are plenty of decent Muslim families in the UK-if your family is hellbent on destroying you (if that's the case) then that's personal preference.

TBH OP I cannot see the light of the end of the tunnel unless as I said he's since got an education, is away from people with such 'pendu' thinking etc etc. It's a slippery slope.

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

I’ve just read through this – In my opinion why don’t you try delaying this marriage a little further but ensure that you visit pak asap and spend some time with your fiancé – people change a LOT between 17 and 21 and often people say things spur of the moment especially teenagers to impress which they may not believe or even plan on seeing through but say it to act macho – boys are silly – especially teenaged boys – who knows he may have turned around and changed a lot? He may even think back at what he said and cringe??!!

All siblings are different, usually very different I understand that but your sister is mA happily married and I imagine her husband was brought up in the same environment?

I am not saying marry him but what I am saying is that people change and maybe you should investigate what he is like now before deciding your next steps?

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

i assume OP's major concern is not on the clothes remark he made but on why he made that and truly so since OP was not officially engaged with him and her dad was present there too.
on the dressing thing, OP also mentioned that she mainly wears shalwar kameez and belongs to a conservative family herself, then i don't think this conservative mindset thing would be a source of clash between them since both belong to conservative families apparently.
and anyone feeling uncomfortable with wives wearing western clothes does not make them bad or wrong as this is a matter of personal preference but what makes this wrong is their wish to impose the certain dress code for their wives.
the mature way for the guys is that they should clarify this thing before marriage if it is that much important to them and tie the knot with like-minded girls instead of trying to impose it on the girl once she has become their fiance or wife.

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

I know OP mentioned that she mainly wears desi clothes; (however judging based on what is said rather than what you actually see to be isn't acceptable but as this is about OP that's a different matter) the issue for someone is if this guy has not 'matured' or whatever people want to call it is the fact if someone has the whole "wait til I get there" mentality then where does it realistically stop? And unless OP marries him how will she find out? This as I said before may simply be the tip of the iceberg.

I find it amazing that people are willing to move to the UK; live here taken advantage of the education system but can still have issues with the small potatoes like clothing. Clearly OP has been raised by a conservative family (I'm sure that's what she put) so for anyone to actually think it's acceptable to pass comment that would imply otherwise in my opinion needs to take a dive unless as I said they've matured especially via an education.

Ma Mooli has a lot of wise words for you; I'd take note of them. Ma Mooli=pearls of wisdom and maturity beyond this dilemma.

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

I've read through the advice above and there is some extremely good points there, I guess I was probably expecting someone to give me a third option where I don't marry the guy and everyone's happy

A few people mentioned that the guy has probably changed since 17, which is what my sis also thought, but when she went to Pakistan with her husband last year and lived with the family for a month, she said he's probably gotten worse than before, on one occasion, she was out with her husband, MIL and this guy, she was driving n her husband asked her if he could take over, when hos brother started getting really pissed off that he asked her permission.

Both the instances I've mentioned here my sis discussed with her husband, he agreed that his brother was wrong but denied that it was his fault, he told her that in Pakistan from a young age he and his bro have been told by the elders that they would marry and come to the UK, whenever they've thought about studying or their career options they've been put down and told not to bother as they'll be moving to England. This guy has now completely left his education and doesn't work at all, I earn more in a week than he's earned in his entire life.
Im a very career oriented person and the thought of a 21 year old living off his father, really makes me lack any respect that I would have had for him.

But actually more then him, I blame his family his mentality

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

With all due respect OP; if your sister is telling you that what she witnessed may imply he has gotten worse why oh why do you wish to torture yourself in the long run?
IMHO if you struggle to respect someone it's hard to build it-especially on subjects you believe in. I believe you should work hard for a living; and earn your own keep. It annoys the hell out of me when you get requests for £500.00 phones for siblings that sit at home doing nothing 'because their sibling is in England'.
His mentality will be a mixture of a lot of things-including his upbringing, his social circle and his own personality.
The fact he got annoyed at the whole 'permission' thing to be should have your alarm bells ringing and you putting your heart firmly on a decision that may cause pain in the short run for your family yes but in the long run it's less headache.
Sorry if I missed this but this is your sisters BIL right? How does your BIL feel if you don't marry his brother? Will it be one of those situ's where you sister is stopped from seeing her family? If that's the case just prepare for a temporary crying/hissy fit phase from the extended family.

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

Now he is living off his father, later he will live off his wife ie you.
I don't understand why you are acting like a martyr here when you clearly have a choice.

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My sis is 8 months pregnant, and my BIL has his permanent residency in the UK, im afraid that if I refuse, he'll leave her, even if it's only to persuade me to marry his bro, it's not good for my sis in this condition, she's extremely over emotional anyway

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

^ Is there any evidence that her husband is that kind of jerk?

Your parents have given you a choice. You continue to just make excuses so that you can get yourself into an unhappy situation where you can play the role of victim and martyr and never take any responsibility for your own decisions. You say you are sickened by someone living off their parents at age 21, and I get that, but what you are doing is at least equally inexcusable. There are so many women who are FORCED into a bad marriage. Here you have a choice, tho it's not a great one, but there is a CHOICE, and you are still making excuses.

What do you want?

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

:frusty:.

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

OP I agree with what the other posters on here have already said. My question though is, what does your sister make of all this since she is the one who reported her BIL's behaviour to you? Is she OK for you to be sacrificed at the altar, so to speak, for her happiness? Also, I understand your sister is 8 months pregnant but she won't be pregnant forever. Once she has the baby in a month or so you could annouce your decision then?

Plus, your BIL would not be the great guy you have described if he leaves your sister based on your not marrying his brother. Any rational, grown up adult would see that it is only your decision who you marry and no one can force you into making any decisions. Now if you had romanced his brother, led him on, were having his baby but refused to marry him while you went around town with other guys, I would understand that he would be upset. But still not upset enough to leave his wife and child over something his wife has no control over.

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

He's Pakistani and from my family, I don't think any more evidence is needed. He's okay right now, because we've given him no reason to complain, but as soon as the opportunity arises for him to create some huge drama, im quite sure he'll jump at the chance

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Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys

^ Most of the Pakistani guys I know are decent human beings who sacrifice pretty much everything for their wives and children. I know they're not all like that, but there are definitely better options out there. Don't use some silly stereotype of Pakistani men to justify your poor decisions.

I think you want to make it seem like you're doing everyone a favor by not taking any responsibility for the decisions you make in your life. You think people will praise you and thank you for going along with this marriage and accepting a life you know is not right for you. That is unlikely. You have to be ready to face the consequences because YOU are the one that will deal with them alone on a daily basis. And if you're unhappy, you will need to accept that it is your own fault.

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^ im not trying to stereotype Pakistanis, that's why I especially said the men in my family, because I know them and have seen theis life, there are Pakistani men that I admire too, ie imran khan.

I don't actually even have the option of putting the responsiblity onto someone else, my sis doesn't want me to marry him and my parents have told me that if I have other options I can say no to him, but sacrifices and martyr-hood aside, what would you do in this situation, considering that it could completely change your sister's life???