Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
Having been in a very similar situation as you are, I would advice you to listen to your gut feeling which is already opposing this proposal. Don't marry this guy just because you think there "might" not be anyone else out there for you.
Ask yourself these questions before saying an absolute yes to this proposal:
Do you see him as a good husband, father (of your kids not you)?
Does he have any good qualities that you would want in your husband?
Would you be willing to settle/ adjust with him and would he do the same in the marriage?
Would it be possible for you to overlook his flaws and stay committed and loyal to him all your life?
Also, maybe you should seek Allah's guidance too. He would definitely help you figure out what to do.
One can never be completely sure about the prospect spouse's character and intentions before they actually start living with them, but you have to be sure if you want to say a yes or a no to this. And once you've made your decision, leave everything to Allah and let go of the confusion. You wouldn't want to have any "what if" questions after you are already married to him you know.
And in another year you'll be back here opening a thread about the slew of problems in your marriage.
I'm not trying to be snarky here, but seriously?! This is your life. You have every right, religiously and socially to have a say in who you marry.
When will desi parents get their head out of their butts and stop this madness of marrying off their daughters to relatives back home, when there is clearly no match between the two, It's so irritating. Too old after 25? What will people say? Who cares!!!!!
And even more irritating are the educated girls, much like yourself, who against their better judgement, go along with it "just because".
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
Marry him.
And in another year you'll be back here opening a thread about the slew of problems in your marriage.
I'm not trying to be snarky here, but seriously?! This is your life. You have every right, religiously and socially to have a say in who you marry.
When will desi parents get their head out of their butts and stop this madness of marrying off their daughters to relatives back home, when there is clearly no match between the two, It's so irritating. Too old after 25? What will peuole say? Who cares!!!!!
And even more irritating are the educated girls, much like yourself, who against their better judgement, go along with it "just because".
Good luck.
I think in cases like these the girls are responsible for their fate. It seems like the OP is too scared to take ownership for her own future.
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
Like madz410 I've been in a situation somewhat similar to yours and all I can say is your better ending it now before you get married and have kids cause that will only make it harder.
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
I have the problem of the guy being my sister's husbands brother, my sis is 8 months pregnant and happily living with her husband, but if I refuse this rishta, he'll no doubt have bad feelings and most likely take it out on my sis. He is also my mom's sisters son, who will again take her anger out on my mom. In this situation, if I thought solely about myself, I can easily get out of it and never look back, becoming completely detached to that family is one of my greatest dreams, but independence is not when you leave others to deal with the consequences of your actions, I don't know how to apply my education to the situation to stop my actions affecting the people I love
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
I have the problem of the guy being my sister's husbands brother, my sis is 8 months pregnant and happily living with her husband, but if I refuse this rishta, he'll no doubt have bad feelings and most likely take it out on my sis. He is also my mom's sisters son, who will again take her anger out on my mom. In this situation, if I thought solely about myself, I can easily get out of it and never look back, becoming completely detached to that family is one of my greatest dreams, but independence is not when you leave others to deal with the consequences of your actions, I don't know how to apply my education to the situation to stop my actions affecting the people I love
First of all, I am a British Pakistani who married a Pakistani man. However, it makes no difference where he's from or where I'm from. It's not about what's on paper, it's about finding the RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU. You have to base it on your personalities; whether you both get on with each other; have the same goals in life as each other; have a similar style of thinking. From what you've said it sounds like your thinking is very different from the offset. And I echo what everyone else is saying that it's not a good idea to go ahead with this, and you should end it now - though I think you already know that yourself.
Now to the tricky part - how to end it. It's difficult because it's your Khala's son, which could destroy the relationship between your mum and Khala if you say no. However, you also have to think you don't want to destroy your life do you? Why don't you say to your parents that you don't feel ready to marry yet as you want to concentrate on your studies, or something external and non-related to the rishta itself. That way you're not placing the problem on him or his family. Or you could go down the religious route and say you need more time to pray and haven't got 'tassali' yet with this rishta.
Whatever route you go down make sure you end it now or it will end in tears. And the next step is to talk to your parents and get them to do what's best for you. You say so yourself that you're a conservative girl, so I'm sure they will help in finding a match more suitable for you.
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
^ delaying it has worked up until now, otherwise I would have been engaged at 17, I went down the still studying route, but how long can that actually go on? No matter when I say no yo the actual rishta, the consequences will still be the same, more than my moms rishta with my khala, in worried about my sis. If it were just for my mom, I would have said no quite easily, for the sole reason that her sister is selfish and manipulating and my mom is alot better off without her. But my sister and her husband are quite happy together, and honestly, I can't really blame him if he does get angry if I refuse, afterall blood is thicker than water, and you never really see bad in your own family no mattet what they actually do. I know that if it were the other way around and I was rejected by him, my sis would feel some resentment towards the family
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
If your sister is truly happy with her husband, then no matter what happens with you, her husband should stand by your sister for the aftermath. He should realise that it's not your sister's, or your family's fault if this ristha between you and your cousin doesn't work out, and so if your fiance and his family do start taking out on your sister, at least she will have her husband there to protect her. So you shouldn't worry about that.
Seriously, if you're not happy then you need to end it! If the delaying route won't work, then just try speaking to your parents. You've been engaged for 4 years and only now have you decided to think about taking action to break it off - something must have happened recently to make you start remembering what your fiance said to you when you were 17 and all the reasons why you didn't like him from the beginning - what was it? Use that incident as a starter to end the rishta.
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
I grew up, thats what happened, when you ask a 16/17 year old about marriage, they most likely imagine violins and flowers and Shah rukh khan/Edward Cullen and undying love. Ask the same question a few years later and a PakistanI girl would most likely contemplate suicide. Also, I was not actually engaged at the time, I got out of it by saying I want to study, and now my mom is going back to Pakistan so it's started again
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
The thread title is misleading. The issue here isn't about a British Pakistani marrying someone from Pakistan. The issue here is that your family has set up arbitrary rules (regarding who and when to marry), and you have chosen to accept these rules despite the fact that:
1. You have seen that following these rules does not guarantee happiness.
2. You know that you will not be happy with the person who seems to be your only choice because you are not only incompatible but lack mutual respect.
You know you are setting yourself up for an unhappy life, and somehow you want us to tell you how to get through it?
I am afraid I have no advice for you. The above situation does not look like it will result in a happy, content, respectful, peaceful home/life. If that's what you're looking for, then you're not going about the right way to find it. But if you're not willing to take some risks in life and follow a different path, then there's not much anyone else can do or say to help you.
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
Tbh I don't understand your reason for marrying this guy. He sounds like a control freak.
Nowhere is it written that if a girl is not married by 22, she'll never get married!
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
Really, you believe that about yourself. Because I believe you to be pretty stupid. If you cant stand the guy why even imagine spending your life with him. You know he probably just sees you as a ticket to the UK, and he is controlling in order for you to get the image that he is better than you because he desperately wants this rishta.
So dump him and his sorry family, but try to do it in a very nice and respectful as to know let it affect your sisters marriage.
AND STOP behaving like a stupid idiot asap please.
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
Im defiantly sure that if I asked them, they would stick up for me, one of my sisters already knows how much I hate him, but the problem in my life is that there is no villain, it's the circumstances that are wrong
Btw I really admire your optimism, it's actually quite refreshing to me right now
Dude, you're using the word hate to describe the man who you may or may not spend the rest of your life with and who may or may not be the father of your future children. Enough said
I know you don't want to disappoint your parents/married sister, but imagine how much more upset they'll be if you're not happy.
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
Are you nuts? Don't ruin your life! If you're already having so many doubts about this guy/marriage...just wait it out! InshAllah a better proposal will come along...Allah knows best. If you have the option of saying no, and you dislike the guy....then say no, sheesh. =/
Re: British Pakistani girls marrying Pakistani guys
Just be honest with your parents before going on the trip so they'll be prepared rather than springing it on them when u get there. Deal with this immediate step first instead of entertaining your mind with consequences which may or may not happen.
And if you plan to do nothing, then I suggest you buy ooodles n oodles of denim fabric and silvaao yourself a nice jeans-like bridal lehnga embellished with plenty of rips and zippers as a toast to this new beginning. If you're gonna go down, might as well have some fun with it....at his expense. :)