OK might sound stupid but how many of you (married) guys/girls use past issues for scoring points (or whatever) in new arguments with the spouse? Do you keep on reminding your spouse about the buried issues? To understand this
Once my sister did a fatal crime of giving out cheap gift to my wife's sister when she passed the medical college exam (7 years ago) in Pakistan. My wife was of the opinion that my sister should have not given and that would have been perfectly OK instead of that cheap pen-set. I shared my wife's view that my sister should have done better (which she otherwise do - I am not sure what happened then). So I agreed with the view that she could have done better and I thought that we have buried the ghost but NO. This ghost comes alive to haunt me in arguments as recent as last weekend.
Just to clear my wife's position, she also give due praise to my sis where-ever its due so she does not really have an "on going" issue with my sis and normally they both go along pretty well for nund-bhabi living in same city.
So, taking above as an example, how many of you intentionally or unintentionally do this? When you know that your spouse will feel uneasy, do you still bring past issue alive in new arguments?
Sometime it's done intentionally to hurt the other person. Other times, it is not done out of spite, but rather because the person hasn't exactly moved on from the mistake and became overwhelmed with angry feelings.....and dredged up past mistakes.
I would suggest that you talk to wife DC. Don't tell yourself that you will discuss this issue with your wife the next time she has an angry outburst and mentions your sister's pen set. It won't work, in my opinion. Because when people are angry, they tend to be defensive, and even if what you're saying makes sense, they may not want to acknowledge it. So, talk about this when she's calm.
*******First,* tell her that you want to discuss something and that you want her to hear what you have to say and to LET YOU FINISH talking. Just tell her this issue has been bothering me for quite some time. Even though the other party is MY OWN SISTER, I still supported you because I agreed with you. Fine, she made a mistake. Some people are not that great at giving gifts. We can't be good at everything. Who knows? Maybe her intentions for giving the gift were good. Pens are considered to be keepsakes that represent the beginning of a new chapter in life. Maybe that was her intention. But every time we have an argument, you KEEP bringing up her mistake of the pen. If you had COMPLETELY forgiven her and if you had FULLY MOVED ON, you wouldn't feel the need to bring up the past. I'm glad that you and my sister get along well for the most part and I feel that dredging up past mistakes goes against the Islamic spirit of forgiveness. Giving gifts is encouraged in Islam, there's no specific rule on what exactly that gift should be and how much it should cost. Gifts are given to develop love and affection. But bringing up past mistakes, when we ourselves make mistakes as well, hurts the spirit of relationships. We all make mistakes. I don't think you'd feel comfortable if I took some mistake made by your parents/siblings and kept throwing it in your face during every argument. When we are arguing, let's only discuss the issue related to the current argument instead of the past. And the next time the pen set is brought up (although I agree with you that it wasn't the best gift choice)......I'm simply going to walk away instead of encourage grudges and gossip.
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*********In the future, during an argument, if your wife **EVER brings up your sister and pen set...........simply tell her that you will** only discuss CURRENT issues....and then **WALK AWAY from her. Every time she mentions your sister's gift......just WALK AWAY. One of the reasons why she keeps mentioning the gift is because YOU are ALWAYS standing there to listen to her complain about your sister. If you simply leave....she'll understand that you're not going to support her in her petty complaints. Once she sees there is no support, she'll stop.
…I just love this thread!
