Blindfolded MIL

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Blindfolded MIL

^ You're very welcome kiddo :)

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Re: Blindfolded MIL

I know someone who was in a similar situation for 2 years after 'mangni'- they recently found out that her future MIL was looking for other rishtas while letting this girl hang in and wait while her son thought that his mum was just doing the best for her!

So u better start doing something to move on!!!6 yrs is toooo long to be in a relationship. get married!!

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Re: Blindfolded MIL

if his father is behind you guys and your parents are happy and willing to support you and your fiance if things get tough (as in, they would be okay with you marrying him even if he had to sideline his mum if she starts acting crazy), then your fiance should just be taking a stand and telling his mum that he is getting married in x months and to start doing the preps or he will do it on his own (i mean what does he really need to do, other than turn up to the wedding coz that will be arranged by your side). he's a grown man, his mum has supposedly agreed to you guys marrying each other, nothing else is really required from her.

i obv don't know the whole issue but going thru something similar myself it sounds like she asked for the rishta to keep your fiance quiet but she doesn't want to face upto the reality that you guys will actually be getting married. she's prob hoping it will fall apart on it's own.

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Re: Blindfolded MIL

Would you be living with her after u get married?

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now thats a nice question:)

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No sara, she will still live in Pakistan and we will be in canada. :D

My laptop rant!
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that makes perfect sense! Yes, if his mom gets too crazy then my fiance said that he will tell her to piss off and we'll get married here. My family, although want a big wedding, are happy as long as my wishes are carried out.
I hope its not what you said about her hoping if she waits long enough it'll fall apart on its own cuz thats just scary :(

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i hope not too but it happens so often and i do not understand how these mother's seem to feel no remorse about the pain they have caused the people involved - just happy coz they got what they wanted.

anyhoo, i don't think he should tell her to piss off but it should be more than just a 'mum i want to get married next year' and then inevitably argue about it with her as she brings up excuses.
it should be a 'mum, i have spoken to her father and we have agreed that there won't a formal mangni and the shaadi will be on ______. they have started doing the preparations and you can start doing our side.'

then after that, whatever she says he should be like 'no, it's final, if you want to be happy for us, invite people and celebrate it, prepare for it. otherwise i will pay for a small walima on my own'.
he should also tell his father that if he is asked anything or spoken to about it, he should just reply that 'our son is doing the right thing, he has my support and you should prepare for the wedding'.

everyone just needs to stand their ground and i'm sure she will come around after the initial hissy fits. especially when people find out that the date is set and start congratulating her and talking to her about it. she can't act crazy about it with all those people when they are wishing her well so she will hopefully just suck it up and carry on so as not to lose face.

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Re: Blindfolded MIL

PART 2!

So my fiance doesnt have 'travel documents' yet to travel outside of canada. The immigration people say he should have them within another month but it could take longer. So we obviouly dont want to take a risk of him flying down to pkaistan and then the visa people giving him trouble when he wants to return. Inshallah his papers will come within a month and then he and I can travel and go to pak to get married.
Now.... He has asked them to start speaking with my parents about the wedding but they say they cant until the papers come since they have no idea when the paper will come and when he'll be able to travel. Therefore, they say they cant fix a date until the paper comes and so they dont want to call my parents.

Here;s my argument: Dont you think, having done the 'haan' a year and a half ago, it is their responsibility AND in good taste that they start communicating with my family??? We are sitting here clueless and almost insulted that there is no word from them about the wedding..!! We do talk on occasion and very nicely, but there is never any word of a wedding or such. Shouldn't THEY be the ones calling us and saying, ''look, we cannot fix a date for the wedding yet, for the paper wali reason, but we would like to tell you that its just the paper we're waiting on. Inshallah when it comes, we will have a more definitive answer for you."

Now, That way we can start at least preparing the little odds and ends. And the two families can start communicating on some of the prep work. But my MIL to be deosnt even EVER use the word "wedding" in front of me or even remotely encourages anything that leads to the issue of the marriage.

Also, MIL to be wants my fiance to fly to pakistan as soon as he gets the paper to TALK about the wedding. I dont understand why he needs to fly there first simply to talk about this issue???

My fiance's reply to this is that MIL says:

  • You (fiance) havent seen your family in pak for 6 years and wants him visit so he can meet with them all.
    (point to be noted: she visits canada herself each year so its not like she hasnt seen him... she just says she wants to see him in pak -- the homeland!)

  • She said to him we will NOT talk about the wedding on the phone with you, you have to first come to pakistan and THEN we will discuss it.

(point to be noted: I do not understand why this cannot be spoken about over the phone? Why does he need to fly there and talk in person???? I do not understand...help me)!

Now, considering all this, what do you think? Am I being unreasonable in asking that they politely communicate with my family? Or is my MIL to be correct that she wants no word of a wedding unless my fiance flies to pakistan first..!????

Help...
I'm lost...

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Re: Blindfolded MIL

Im so happy for you CA!!!!!!!!!!

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Re: Blindfolded MIL

Omg CA! I feel for you :hugz:
Although at least it gives me the satisfaction that i’m not alone in this :frowning:
My MIL did the same thing though… until only recently, she hadn’t even told anyone of the ‘haan/baatpaki’… now she has… a lot of my friends say that she is trying to maintain “control” of the situation as long as she can by prolonging the wedding date… cuz once we’re married, I really wont be all lovey dovey with her and wont be calling her every week, neither will my fiance and the main thing ----- we wont need her approval for ANYTHING! That kills her!
sigh… Thank you CA for sharing your story… I feel a little better knowing i am not alone in this mess :frowning:
You were brave and your family was supportive… I have the same circumstances… my family is with me 100% and so is my fiance so I know things will turn out ok in the end…
We are just waiting for his paper work to come through.. once that happens, they will have no excuse left and THEN, if they make a scene, then we’ll just get married here… hopefully, it wont come down to it…
Thanks CA…:slight_smile:

I am just trying to make sense out of all this… I just wanna know what could possibly be the reasons she is acting the way she is :frowning:

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Damn CA… wow… That’s just sad on their part… I don’t understand how some women can be so fearless… Don’t they fear Allah and dread him when they do these horrible things to other people?
God bless you for hanging in there… And HE will give them what they got coming too..
:hugz:

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You know, in all seriousness, you do make a good point about her trying to maintain control. Many women feel they should be the ones picking out their DILs and need other people to require their approval. So you could have something there…
Do let us know what happens when his paper work comes through… I am really interested to know what, if any, excuse they come up with then when all their “demands” are met…
Such parents shouldn’t have kids. They are putting their son through the same mental and emotional agony as they are you and your family.
Allah knows all and like my signature says, "What goes around… :smooth:

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Thanks Psquared, YourPresident(can you please unqoute my post? thanks), TB :hug:
I just want to clarify that it’s not always 100% woman’s fault, men can also be bad but it’s just that they don’t talk much. You need 2 hands in order to clap!

The Boss,
Good luck! Hopefully you won’t have to go through such a thing, each case is different and I didn’t mean to scare you at all. InshAllah your parents in laws will participate in the wedding and give you all the love that any DIL deserves. Just want to say to you that this is a very cultural thing, your MIL may not be an evil person but she comes from a culture which doesn’t accept a guy and a girl making big decisions w/o consulting mummy and daddy and also back home it’s a common belief that girls who live in the west lack values and just aren’t ‘good enough’. You cant blame them much for it so dont keep a grudge against your inlaws, inshAllah after marriage they’ll see with their eyes how good you are when you maintain a good and loving relationship with them. Ofcourse, you’ll still call your MIL and give her respect because afterall she’s the one who gave birth to the man you love plus she needs you too. :slight_smile:

~~~Missing Someone~~~