Blast from the Past

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I used to have this friend a few years back. She was Hindu and for the sake of convenience, lets call her Anna. Our friendship was tight as could be and we did practically everything together. Both Anna and I went through so many ups and downs and I was always there for her but there were times when she wasnt there for me. She was an only child and used to getting her way at home, spoiled and believed the world revolved around her. As a kid, Ive been one to go completely out of my way if someone needs me, to the point of stupidity…and I did. I didnt really notice her not being there for me at the time because I have a big family and lots of friends. If I need someone, they will be there, Alhumdulillah.

The thing is, as we got older Anna got more demanding of my time and energy. She wanted to be the center of my attention, come do this with me, hang out with me, tell me Im pretty, blah blah blah. Then, she got married to this loser that I hated. During her wedding ceremonies, my grandmother ended up on life support for the first time and was fighting for her life in the hospital. I obviously will not drop what Im doing to tend to her needs so I ignored her. My family comes first. I told her what was going on but she seemed angry with me. I was more concerned about my grandma so I didnt care. Life got busier after that. I had school, family commitments, my parents are social, and I was also working. I slowly lost touch and eventually forgot about her. Again, she was closer to me then I was to her.

About a week ago, out of the blue Anna emailed me. She apologized for everything and asked if we could talk again. I thought about it for a couple of days and decided…whats the harm? I agreed and we met up for lunch.

At lunch I find out she got divorced and remarried. I also had to sit through an hour of “look at my ring, my husband bought me a car, my husband has a beautiful house, my husband owns cell phone stores, my husband surprised me with a trip to India, my husband is taking me to Hawaii, he is rich and I dont work, he pays for everything, he bought me a Coach bag (I dont need a man for all this), blah blah blah”…it was nice to see her again but the blatant showing off was SOOOOO obvious! Why though? Why after all these years do you need to call a friend who doesnt give two s**** about you to tell her all this? Why are you wasting my time!!! Parts of it were nice, I got to know about people I didnt see anymore and what they were doing these days. Another mutual friend got married also. There were moments when I got to see the person who I was actually friends with but I also got to see someone I dont want to get to know.

After the lunch, she has texted me a few times, wants to get together and do something with the rest of the girls. I dont know what to do. Should I talk to her or just ignore her and let her fade away? Again, I see some good in her but I wasnt pleased with this wierd obnoxious development.

Confused in Chicago

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Re: Blast from the Past

Sorry for the length...just bear with it please...

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Re: Blast from the Past

What Anna did to Psquared, Psquared di to GS (j/K)

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PSquared…people like Anna never seem to break out of their me, me, me bubble. Although years may have passed, seems like Anna is still in that mode.

The reason why we do want to hold on, in a way, is because we valued the friendship maybe more than they did. I know you said she was closer to yout than you to her but it still seems like you did alot for her.

I know I have given people numerous chances even though they have not deserved it; whilst they act like they have changed, they soon revert back to their own ways. However, people who give their life and soul into their friendships continue doing that. In a way it makes us feel as if what we have done in the past has not been for nothing.

I would definitely keep my distance from her. She might have been close to you at one point but time has moved on. Maybe the apology you got will provide you with some closure and from now on forth, you can be friendly to her but excessive meeting and spending time with her does not seem like a good option to me.

You can be friendly and civil to her. I think there is a time and a place for certain people in your life. Seems like her time has gone.

:konfused: I know what I am trying to say but can’t convey it properly. Revision overload. Sorry

Bohri Muslims
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Re: Blast from the Past

no harm in staying in touch. Once you get married, you'll get busy with your life and prob wont end up meeting much with her neways... so I reckon just keep in touch with her until she gets really annoying..

some peopel do that when they meet someone after a long time.. she's probably just really happy with her life at the moment and doesnt even realise she's showing off... or maybe she does just to make herself feel better. She did go through a divorce.. and she's happy now and wants the whole world to know...

I have acquaintances who were once friends i guess.. that drive me insane too... i ignore them now.. like u ive spent a lot of my life doign everythign possible for people i thought were friends.. my bro and mum always warned me and thought i was totally insane.. stupid more like it... aah well. I think its good to be this way as well.. lekin ive learnt my lesson... the hard way as usual :)

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Re: Blast from the Past

Keep a distance for another year. That means when she calls, or e-mails there is no obligation to to return every one of those call, e-mails. Return only some, and only when you feel like that. That way if you feel that you are still annoyed by her it is easier to let her just fade away. If on the other hand it seems like you're making a mistake you can pick back up.

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Re: Blast from the Past

She was so happy and excited thats why she shared with you she might think you are her friend.

Your side is different she don't know I think.

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Re: Blast from the Past

if its a blast from the past then keep it a blast of the past ..

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Re: Blast from the Past

In PS mind she fade away but in her friends mind she didn't fade away thats why she contacted.

Battle for Lahore.
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Re: Blast from the Past

For first time in my life I read a complete girly girl problem. lolzzzzzzzz

whats with you girls ??????? hahahah

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where did u get all that brain ? dude

Imran Khan - Why (Not) Him?
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Kachray kay dubbay main para huwa mila tha. Kisi nain nakara samajh kar phaink dia tha main nain utha kar sir pay rakh lia. Bus itni hai apni kahani.

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Re: Blast from the Past

Shayad wo jo hole PS nain bataya na us say kuch pisaal kar under chala gia.

I'm shaking wo kaheen PS ka to naheen tha. Uskay pass extra dimagh ho gia ho ga to phaink dia.

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Brian in crap is not an issue, Crap in the brain is an issue"punchingMonk"

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When there goes pissu it become issue"gr8 Heera"

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Re: Blast from the Past

Uff!

Battle for Lahore.
17

Hey Reha,

I know exactly what you're talking about. Such "friends" are known as fair-weather friends. You see them when the weather is fair and then when you encounter dark clouds in your life, suddenly your so called "friend" is nowhere to be seen.

I've dealt with people like that and learned a lesson from their lack of tact and lack of reciprocation. I learned that in no way should I compromise my health for someone who doesn't seem to understand that friendship is supposed to be mutual. And "mutual" means more than just keeping in touch. Most, importantly there should be mutual respect. And if respect is missing in the friendship, then it's not much of a friendship is it? I'm like you in the sense that I will go out of my way to help people and be there for them. I'm also pretty tolerant, letting go of frequent offenses. But then it comes to a point where I decide to maintain a distance from the person. And speaking from experience, Reha, you feel sooo much better. I bet you felt more at peace in your life when you hadn't heard from Anna during her absence in your life. Because that allowed you to forget about her hurtful tactlessness and you were able concentrate on other things in your life and surround yourself with people who REALLY and SINCERELY cared about you.

In my opinion part of Anna's behavior has to do with her being an only child, as you mentioned. She received ALL the attention from her parents....and because of this she probably feels that she deserves UNDIVIDED attention from other people in her life as well. She doesn't have siblings, so she never learned to about "reciprocating" in a relationship such as being there for someone, sympathizing with others, etc. HOWEVER.....REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU ARE AN ONLY CHILD OR NOT......there is no excuse for COMMON SENSE. It is heartless of someone to expect you drop everything for them when you are going through a family crisis.

I also sense that Anna is insecure, hence her showing off and incessant need for your attention. Why would she show off, if she were secure with herself? People who are secure with themselves don't feel the strong desire to brag....especially about material things.....which can never fully replace the emptiness in one's life anyhow. It is possible that deep down Anna admires u (although she might not show it) and that's why she feels the need to prove herself to you (showing off) and get your attention/approval. Even if her showing off was a result of jealousy toward you, keep in mind that even jealousy stems from insecurity.

Friendship is a 2-way process. So, if a friend is talking about her life, she also needs to take an interest in yours and give you a chance to talk about yourself. If you are supportive of her, then she needs to be supportive of you. Anna hasn't learned that yet, it seems. And i wouldn't be surprised, if Anna has turned off a lot of people with her behavior. That's not good because she can end up losing more friends besides you.....if she hasn't already!

So, base it on your intuition. If your recent visit with Anna was overall a turn- off that left you feeling BLAH to the point that you dread feeling BLAH again, then just maintain a distance from her as you had done previously before she rang u up. It doesn't seem like she's improved much. After you get married, I doubt you'd see her often anyways as you'll be so busy. I get the feeling that Anna wants you to be her shrink or her Agony Aunt....someone who's gonna be there at her ever beck and call and listen like an encouraging therapist to her rants and complaints. Well, you don't need that role.......especially if she can't reciprocate it! Life is tough enough as it is, and you don't need somebody draining ur emotional energy.

If you do decide to occasionally meet her in the future, then you can invite other people along with you. That way you'll have other friends to interact with and won't be so overwhelmed with Anna. Also, there is another advantage to inviting other friends. You see, in a group setting, the other girls will not allow Anna to go on and on and on about herself (the way it is when it's just the 2 of you). When there are more people, they will end up focusing on others besides Anna. So, a group might be able to put Anna in her place and temporarily humble her. Who knows? She might even learn about reciprocation in socialization. And she might even learn that not everyone is going tolerate being her polite audience for too long!

I'm sorry this was long, but I hope it helped somewhat:)

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Psquare, maybe you should tell Anna about GupShup. I think we make GREAT therapists. ;) And since there are so many of us that like to throw in our two cents, she will always feel like the COA (center of attention).

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Re: Blast from the Past

PSquared, I've had pretty much the exact same experience: very close friend, lost touch, got back in touch (initiated by her), I had moved on in life, got together for lunch and went crazy in an hour!

This friend of mine asked me if I wanted to smoke weed with her. I was like WTH - this girl has gone cuckoo.

Anyway, definitely not meeting up with her ever again. No point. Honestly relationships like this have absolutely no point whatsoever. I want only those people around me that can help me be better people - or bring positive energy in my life.

People that are not on the same par as me - on any walk in life, too bad. It's not worth hanging on to these old friends. Remember the good times and let it go.

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Re: Blast from the Past

Networking with people is good as long as they don't get on ur nerves. Btw I hardly met any girl who is not a show off :)