Just recently I re-connected with one of my brothers closest friend,it was quite a strange conversation to be honest. I lost my brother 15 years ago, and a year after his death we packed our bag as a family and moved to Canada.I was fairly young when he passed away,and I was really close to one of his best friend.The last time I saw his best friend was at my brothers funeral and that time everything was a blur.I was in a state of shock followed by denial. Few weeks ago I got a private message via Facebook from his best friend,and how i recognized him was quite amazing…He lives in Calgary and says he would love to meet up with the family and everyone.BUT…I don’t want that, its been 15 years but some memories are way to painful and with his best friends presence brings back all those unwanted tears that I have controlled for years. Being the youngest I vowed to be extra crazy and keep my family smiling with my silly silly comments,but in all these years only I know how many days I have silently cried. At times this makes me feel selfish because both my elder brothers have done their best to make sure I do not miss my brother,and I am so grateful of that,but it feels like as I grow older I am becoming weaker…I do not know if I want to meet him…we used to be the “three musketeers” but with one important person missing it is gonna be so hard.I know if I break down my family will soon follow…SO what should I do?How do you guys cope when meeting someone who reminds you of your painful past?
Re: Bitter Sweet.
i am sorry at your loss. May Allah rest his soul in jannat...aameen...i also pray for you to be strong and may Allah grant you strength to continue to bear the pain. aameen
i understand the past memories are too hard to deal with. i think initially he might remind you of your brother but believe me it will get better with time and you won't feel this way. if you think he is a great guy and he has a great family with whom you and your family know very well then you should go for him...you'll be a OK within a short time. iA
wish you all the best.
Re: Bitter Sweet.
So sorry for your loss but perhaps reconnecting will also bring you closure. Nothing can fill the void your brother has left but maybe reliving the memories will be good. Denial is just one of the the many stages of grief and perhaps having this guy around will help you and your family accept that he is gone.
Re: Bitter Sweet.
i am sorry at your loss. May Allah rest his soul in jannat...aameen...i also pray for you to be strong and may Allah grant you strength to continue to bear the pain. aameen
i understand the past memories are too hard to deal with. i think initially he might remind you of your brother but believe me it will get better with time and you won't feel this way. if you think he is a great guy and he has a great family with whom you and your family know very well then you should go for him...you'll be a OK within a short time. iA
wish you all the best.
I know running from your past is never a good idea,because sooner or later it catches up to you.When they finally do, you realize why you ran away from the past.I have always been told I am way to strong when dealing with situations but i feel like no one truly knows that even strong people have a breaking point.I guess I love/respect both my brothers because I have lost such a great part of me.Its just I am only human right,I don't want to meet him because I hav bottled way to much pain inside of me for the sake of my family. Thank you ffor your duas.
Re: Bitter Sweet.
So sorry for your loss but perhaps reconnecting will also bring you closure. Nothing can fill the void your brother has left but maybe reliving the memories will be good. Denial is just one of the the many stages of grief and perhaps having this guy around will help you and your family accept that he is gone.
Its kind of weird but I have spent the least time with my brother,yet I am the one who is having a hard time letting go....I mean sure you can never come to terms with losing your own family,but you still get closure.I feel like I haven't properly grieved,at his death I was to young to totally comprehend what was happening,but as I have grown up and understood what happened it has taken a toll on me emotionally.I have always been very expressive with my emotions,but I have never dealt with his death and you are right about that..But what if I ned more time before seeing him?How do you brush someone off like that?
Re: Bitter Sweet.
Noor, it doesn't have to come across as "brushing off." It depends on how you word the declination. If you completely ignore his request or respond with an abrupt answer without an explanation, then it will be more like "brushing off." But a brief and polite explanation/excuse should be fine. Only you would know if you need more time before meeting this person. And if you're truly not ready, then don't push yourself to meet him just to fulfill a formality.
You said that if you break down, your family will soon follow. What if they show strength and the strength of four people (parents and brothers) helps you to go through the grieving process? How do you think your family will respond to meeting him? If you don't think they can handle it, then decline the meeting.
Re: Bitter Sweet.
I say decline the meet up. This will bring up the memories back. Now in my case..when my best friend passed away..few years later..i was invited to this guy's sister wedding. I came..and treated me like their own son. So ya depends on ya're relationship with this fella. And may Allah give you guys sabr and enter him into paradise.
Re: Bitter Sweet.
Think of your brother. Would he be happy for the family to meet his best friend? Yes.
Bitter Sweet.
I can kind of understand what you may be going through. If there's anything I can tell you it's that you don't always have to be that rock for everyone. You need to take that time to grief and let someone take care of you for once otherwise it will drive you insane and like you said, become harder and harder to deal with. The strongest people on the outside sometimes become the most vulnerable on the inside because everyone has a different way of handling their pain. Living up to the person that everyone thinks you to be is great but your also allowed to shut off from that too. Trying to push your grief away will not help in my experience, it does for a while but it has an annoying way of creeping up on you. You need to maybe acknowledge it. If your not ready to meet your friends brother than maybe write to him explaining why. It may make you feel better than you may realize. Don't be embarrassed and don't feel like you have to carry the worlds weight by being there for everyone. I think you have done a great job of it for the past 15 years, maybe it's time to realize your own pain. Give your family the credit, they may be stronger than you think. I'm sure you know they are there for you like you are for them so lean on them. I'm not sure if I was able to properly get my point across but I can't easily explain how much it may help bring some closure. Those memories although always painful may not feel like such a hindrance to your family's happiness but more of a celebration of your brothers life. Hope that helps a little.
You don't have to answer but may I ask what happened?
Re: Bitter Sweet.
First of all, I am really sorry for your loss.
OP, have you thought of other people that were impacted by your brother's passing? This friend of his seems like he was very close.
I think he simply wants to re-connect with your family, see how your parents are doing and make sure you're all okay. If he was a good friend to your brother, don't deny him closure and comfort.
If you need more time, letting him in thru fb or whatsapp is just opening the door a little. Like regarding said, perhaps he needs closure to and he is reaching out because perhaps he thinks he may be obligated to your brother to watch over or be there for his family in his own way.
Re: Bitter Sweet.
OP, I think you should re-connect with your brother's friend. Maybe discussing your brother's death with him, that you can't discuss with your family openly, will bring you the closure you are looking for. Sometimes we don't realize it but having someone to talk to who went through the same experience as you can make your pain just that much less. It doesn't have to be bad because you both will be able to discuss the good times you had when all three of you were together.
I remember when my nana passed away, we used to sit around as a family and remember the silly things we used to do as kids and how nana would get mad or just silly stuff we did around nana, and that made everyone laugh. That's how we grieved. Remember, the person maybe gone but the memories of that person live on in your hearts.
Re: Bitter Sweet.
Hmmm...
What if you were to tell your parents or even your brothers (whomever you are closer to) about this friend's request to meet your family....and see how they feel/respond. And at that point you can share with your mom or your brother/s your fear in meeting this friend.....tell them how you feel....they are your family; they will understand. Maybe just talking about it with only your mom or brother first......will make you feel not only lighter but stronger in facing this friend when he comes. Instead of meeting the guy and being emotionally overwhelmed when he comes after he leaves....why not discuss your fears with mom or your brother...and get their emotional support from the beginning?
Re: Bitter Sweet.
I would decline the request to meet with your family. As soon as your parents see him the first thing that'll cross their minds would be "agar Hamara beta aaj zinda hota tou itna baRha hota"... I think that'd be too painful. You can't forget the past but as a family you are living in the present right...
If the best friend is a sensible guy and was explained why it would hurt do much for him to come over then iA he'll understand.
Re: Bitter Sweet.
I think you should consult your other brother and see how he feels about it. If possible, ask your parents too. It is they whom you are concerned about, so they will be the best ones to let you know if they want to meet the friend or not. Stay strong.
Re: Bitter Sweet.
Noor, it doesn't have to come across as "brushing off." It depends on how you word the declination. If you completely ignore his request or respond with an abrupt answer without an explanation, then it will be more like "brushing off." But a brief and polite explanation/excuse should be fine. Only you would know if you need more time before meeting this person. And if you're truly not ready, then don't push yourself to meet him just to fulfill a formality.
You said that if you break down, your family will soon follow. What if they show strength and the strength of four people (parents and brothers) helps you to go through the grieving process? How do you think your family will respond to meeting him? If you don't think they can handle it, then decline the meeting.
I guess you are right,my family is much stronger than I could ever be.I don't know where I would be without them.I think I am going to just come clean with him and let him know.We were really close once and I know he will understand,I highly doubt his intention is to cause me any sort of discomfort.
I say decline the meet up. This will bring up the memories back. Now in my case..when my best friend passed away..few years later..i was invited to this guy's sister wedding. I came..and treated me like their own son. So ya depends on ya're relationship with this fella. And may Allah give you guys sabr and enter him into paradise.
Ameen....I am so sorry to hear about your best friend.Family of any kind dying always leaves us with a sour spot.I am going to decline,maybe in a few years when I am married have my own kids I will try to find peace with his death.Maybe then I will be able to meet him .... May God Bless your friends soul:).
Think of your brother. Would he be happy for the family to meet his best friend? Yes.
Ofcourse he would,but that is easier said than done.
I can kind of understand what you may be going through. If there's anything I can tell you it's that you don't always have to be that rock for everyone. You need to take that time to grief and let someone take care of you for once otherwise it will drive you insane and like you said, become harder and harder to deal with. The strongest people on the outside sometimes become the most vulnerable on the inside because everyone has a different way of handling their pain. Living up to the person that everyone thinks you to be is great but your also allowed to shut off from that too. Trying to push your grief away will not help in my experience, it does for a while but it has an annoying way of creeping up on you. You need to maybe acknowledge it. If your not ready to meet your friends brother than maybe write to him explaining why. It may make you feel better than you may realize. Don't be embarrassed and don't feel like you have to carry the worlds weight by being there for everyone. I think you have done a great job of it for the past 15 years, maybe it's time to realize your own pain. Give your family the credit, they may be stronger than you think. I'm sure you know they are there for you like you are for them so lean on them. I'm not sure if I was able to properly get my point across but I can't easily explain how much it may help bring some closure. Those memories although always painful may not feel like such a hindrance to your family's happiness but more of a celebration of your brothers life. Hope that helps a little.
You don't have to answer but may I ask what happened?
Totally agree with you.I think I should really seek professional help,maybe go talk to someone.Maybe talking to a stranger will help me coming to terms with his death?I think it is very traumatized the most because he died in arms,and his smile right before he closed his eyes.And maybe I was very young when he died so I couldn't grieve the way I should have and as time went on I carried on as if everything was fine.I think time I needed to grieve I didn't and everything was bottled up inside.And truly,I have become numb to pain,yes when it comes to family if any of them get hurt I do get really scared. Other then that I have bee totally numb to pain,and I think it is catching up to me,a decade later.My parents are stronger than I,because they lost their first child to cancer when he was four.I don't think my family would mind,if anything they would treat him like their own son.I just think its me,maybe I need to break free of my fears of showing someone how vulnerable I can be...My brother was coming home from school and I used to wait for him outside,because he was my best friend and all.I really liked his arrival because it meant he would bring snacks and I would get the biggest hug.Although this particular day it was raining,and my mom was yelling fro me to come inside...He was riding his bike and near are house their was construction happening with wires and etc all over the place..I saw him coming but there was a car that splashed water on him and he fell right into the fence that had unprotected wires...He was electrocuted.My mom was watching from behind so we ran to him and my brother came to yank him off but the impact of the shock threw him away.By this time we had a dog and he was the friendliest dog,he started to circle around us and started to bark and all he wouldn't let anyone near,but he had let me go towards my brother.I was holding him ,he looked up and smiled and that was it..My dad came home rushing taking him to the hospital but he was gone....
First of all, I am really sorry for your loss.
OP, have you thought of other people that were impacted by your brother's passing? This friend of his seems like he was very close.
I think he simply wants to re-connect with your family, see how your parents are doing and make sure you're all okay. If he was a good friend to your brother, don't deny him closure and comfort.
My brother was close with so many people in Pakistan,on his death people from his school,the shop he used to buy things from etc.. they were all at our house.It did impact our life because he was fairly young...He had a bright future etc.I think he has kept in touch with my family,but he has never really msged me in all these years,maybe he wants to get closure too?Since they were really close,friends since age 3-15.. Thats a lot of time....
If you need more time, letting him in thru fb or whatsapp is just opening the door a little. Like regarding said, perhaps he needs closure to and he is reaching out because perhaps he thinks he may be obligated to your brother to watch over or be there for his family in his own way.
Maybe, but how can i help someone get closure when i can't do the same?
OP, I think you should re-connect with your brother's friend. Maybe discussing your brother's death with him, that you can't discuss with your family openly, will bring you the closure you are looking for. Sometimes we don't realize it but having someone to talk to who went through the same experience as you can make your pain just that much less. It doesn't have to be bad because you both will be able to discuss the good times you had when all three of you were together.
I remember when my nana passed away, we used to sit around as a family and remember the silly things we used to do as kids and how nana would get mad or just silly stuff we did around nana, and that made everyone laugh. That's how we grieved. Remember, the person maybe gone but the memories of that person live on in your hearts.
I always thought i had moved on from the grieving part,yet when his friend msged it was like everything re-surfaced .Maybe we do need to meet but maybe I should take baby steps?
I would decline the request to meet with your family. As soon as your parents see him the first thing that'll cross their minds would be "agar Hamara beta aaj zinda hota tou itna baRha hota"... I think that'd be too painful. You can't forget the past but as a family you are living in the present right...
If the best friend is a sensible guy and was explained why it would hurt do much for him to come over then iA he'll understand.
I think my parents have kept in touch with him,but I think he never tried to do the same with me because maybe he was coming to terms with the death too?And yes maybe i should just tell him I am not ready yet.
I think you should consult your other brother and see how he feels about it. If possible, ask your parents too. It is they whom you are concerned about, so they will be the best ones to let you know if they want to meet the friend or not. Stay strong.
Ya,maybe this weekend I will ask both my brothers... And thank you:)
Bitter Sweet.
So sorry to hear about how he passed away. It is indeed terrible and brought tears to my eyes. Do what is best :-) maybe the friend needs a form of closure too. Sometimes it is good to connect with people. Who knows, maybe meeting the friend may bring some kind of closure, or a "better" feeling to you . May all go well.
Re: Bitter Sweet.
sorry for your loss......I can't imagine how difficult it must be to lose a sibling no matter how little time you had with them. may Allah swt grant you peace and comfort and deliver your brother's soul to jannat on the day of judgement, ameen.
while my heart goes out to you, I do believe that it will be a healing process for you to meet up. It has been 15 years since your loss but from your writings it sounds like you have not allowed yourself to grieve. It sounds like you have kept up appearances for the sake of your family.....so that they do not suffer.....you've kept them distracted for lack of better terminology.
perhaps they have grieved and have dealt with the loss by now and it's time for you to do the same.
perhaps this friend that has resurfaced needs to connect with you. perhaps you are his path to healing.
consider this a bitter medicine.....
Re: Bitter Sweet.
^ Agree
Re: Bitter Sweet.
A guy named noor?