Im in a big dilemma and I really hope u can help me out of this. The thing is that Im engaged to a boy. Our wedding is planned to be in October. We got engaged in Feb. This is an arrangemarriage.
The boy is ok. He is MashAllah Hafiz-e-Quran and LLB, having his own business as take away. Living in Uk.
Im divorced earlier. By a boy from Pk. Our marriage didnt last for long. Only a year. He was narrowminded, controlling, moody and depressed. He was aag ka goola in anger.
The one Im engaged to now is or seem to be naram tabyat, but sost. Doesnt speak much at all. AND it seems like he is suffering by depression as well.
My parents says that its all up to me to decide. They don`t want to push me into something.
I dont know at all what to do. We have had contact the last 2-3 months, but we r still at the stranger stage in our conversation. We just say hi\hello..thik thak hik thak. We havent exchanged basic info as birth of date, surnames, he doesnt even know what my education is etc etc. Sometimes I think that he might be like this bcz he is Hafiz-e-Quraan, but even though he can talk a bit more. I had to push his likes\dislikes out of him. And the thing is that I can not take any chanse. I have to be sure about what Im getting into. It`s not at all easy to cope up with a person who is suffering by depression now and then. He even reminds me a lot of my x-husband in attitude.
We found out about his depression by a chanse. His mother told us that he is not feeling well. He told dad that he is vomitting, me and my brother that he has infection, but his mum says that he hasnt been able to sleep for the last 4-5 days. He has changed his attitude towards me. Doesnt take contact and only answer when and what I ask him about.
I really dont want to regret later in life, I dont want to cry over my decision.
hmm is the guy being pushed into this marriage by his family? you may want to check on it. If you dont feel comfortable with him now that its better to put that marriage on hold and give yourself more time.
**Bekk: **The first thing is what do you want? Happiness, peace? I mean if he seems like a deprerssed person to you, then will he give u any of the 2 things above? Your first marriage was to a guy from Pak. SERIOUSLY if i was you I would be put off by Paki. guys esp, if he was really moody, narrow minded, controlling etc. Take your time, think about it. There's plenty of fish in the pond :)
Im not sure about the whole thing at all.
Im a humble and happy person. Very talkative. Dont know why I always get connected to less talkative persons. The boy Im engaged to is not open at all.
The only thing I want in my life is peace, harmony, love and lots of laughter.
I cant say he has done any effort. He has just replied to my msgs last 1,5-2 weeks. He called me last night and sent me a msg wondering if I was awake or asleep. I didnt reply and pretended that I was asleep. Half of the day today has passed away he hasnt tried to contact me today.
The reason for contacting me last night was that dad told him on the ph that Im up and down about this relationship as he doesnt share anything with me and only answer my msgs. Before he got this depressin attach he did call me...he might have called me for longer time 4-5 times. Longer time will say 30 min. Usually we just talk in 5-10 min. But even when he called for longer time we didnt talk about anything else than thik thak and work.
He have never asked me about anything. I once asked him about what colours he like. and he said..why? I said..just asking...
I have given resign to mye job. A excellent job that I just loved. I have given resign bcz I was supposed to move...but I regret...I cant tell u how much I now regret on my resign.
Your first marriage was to a guy from Pak. SERIOUSLY if i was you I would be put off by Paki. guys esp, if he was really moody, narrow minded, controlling etc.
Woho! What kind of an advice is this? Just because of a bad experience with a pakistani guy you are telling her not to go for another pakistani guy?. Hmm doesnt make any sense to me.
I cant say he has done any effort. He has just replied to my msgs last 1,5-2 weeks. He called me last night and sent me a msg wondering if I was awake or asleep. I didnt reply and pretended that I was asleep. Half of the day today has passed away he hasnt tried to contact me today.
The reason for contacting me last night was that dad told him on the ph that Im up and down about this relationship as he doesnt share anything with me and only answer my msgs. Before he got this depressin attach he did call me...he might have called me for longer time 4-5 times. Longer time will say 30 min. Usually we just talk in 5-10 min. But even when he called for longer time we didnt talk about anything else than thik thak and work.
He have never asked me about anything. I once asked him about what colours he like. and he said..why? I said..just asking...
I have given resign to mye job. A excellent job that I just loved. I have given resign bcz I was supposed to move...but I regret...I cant tell u how much I now regret on my resign.
Talk to him and tell him why he behaves the way he does. If its just the way he is than move on but if there is a problem than solve it. Good luck!
Have you ever met him in person or just spoken over the phone? Before making such a HUGE decision, it might be a good idea to meet with him and spend some days together, so you guys can see in person how you hit it off. He might be shy and distant over the phone but when you meet in person, it might give you a better indication of his personality. See how he interacts with you, with his family, with your family, with his friends etc. Also you can ask his siblings and friends about his behavior, maybe it is normal for him (some ppl r very quiet and shy) or maybe he is just going through a tough time in his life or something and you might be able to help
Hope it works out for you and that you find happiness and love in your life
I have met him 3 times. He was shy and quitet a that time as well.
His mum told by an accident that he has been suffering by a major depression attack earlier aswell. It lasted for about a year. This time the attach lasted for 2 weeks. He might have had more attacks that we dont know about.
I think you have a right to know what you are getting into. The good thing is your parents are involved as well and giving you a free hand.I would suggest finding out everyting possible about the guy. Talk to him, tell him about your concerns. Can you also talk to some of his friends/relatives discreetly or let someone else find out what the general consensus about him is? I am not saying trust everyting anyone says but use your judgement.
BEKKK sweety ur problem is similar to my friends who got married to a guy who was a descent hard working guy, v religious and very soft spoken, she married him and whenever we meet up for a chat, she’s always compalining about how he NEVER talks…nver has a laf, only answers in a yes or no manner, always serious and committed to his work life…
shes the more talkative type and likes to tease her hubby, have a laf with him shes seems sooo bored of him already…shes really not happy…
being religious and earning nuf isnt the only thing u shud marry, trust me hun this is a LOOOOOONG LIFE committment and divorces dotn exactly look good on ur CV…please think seriously and from a future point of view…
and what depression?..have u asked Y the depression?..there must be a big nuf reason to have a depression for a yr…jeezzz…
one of my cousin rejected a really good guy jus coz he was tooo quiet…and shy, she sed she cant live with a guy who cant speak she’ll suffocate…
eHarmony.com is the best place to find the guy or gal of your liking. There you can get a complete personality profile of the person and match your own with the one you like then still then you have to pray to Allah that it all turn out to be good , why. Because today eHarmony has 18 million registered members looking for a life partner but only 100,000 have found one and gotten married. Source
This tells you something. What is that something ? It is that marriage is a compromise you cannot order a tailor made person to Allah to get married to. In your case there was one divorce , the guy was a character out of a bad dream . Now this second guy you are contemplating is lazy and depressed.
If he is lazy and depressed how can he have a successful business. Did you and your family do the complete investigation ?
May be he was really sick when he was vomiting and because of his illness he could not sleep for three or 4 days. To me he seems like a perfect fit . A guy to get married to. Specially after you have gotten divorced from a person who was an aag ka gola. He does not talk much and is shy so there will be less chance of infidelity in this marriage. Less chance of him taking interest in other women while he is married to you. He will be loyal to you for all his life.
My wife suffers from depression and has been suffering from it for long time, but it does not mean that she is good for nothing, I take good care of her , we religiously visit her psychiatrist every month and she takes her prescribed medicine regularly every night and we have a very good , happy, vibrant family life. We are raising three kids and none of them seem to have any physical or psychological problems growing with a mother who has clinical depression.
Why I say that because we arranged to get the kids evaluated with the best psychiatrist and psychologists of the world recently just to be on safe side and he declared that they are all good, Alhumdulillah.
Do some more research about the personality of the guy , do not get his depression fool you. Depression is not a reason to reject a perfect person. Billions and Billions of people are suffering from it but those who take care of it are leading happy and full lives.
If you want to know more about depression of my wife and my first hand experience dealing with it you can PM me if you want.
Hmmmm... to take a second chance with someone is alwyz hard.. you dont want to repeat mistakes that you've made and you most definitely want the peace and happiness you deserve.. You've been engaged a few mnths now and im pretty sure it usually takes a few days or more so a week to really open up to someone.. atleast get them to talkin about various things if not personal preferences.. if the conversation isnt building up than there might be hidden issues that you might not know about. Also, having gone thru an unpleasant experience before your whole sole focus shud be you and your happiness. I really think you should just email him and tell him tht you expect him to actually initiate a conversation and that you wnt to be able to communicate.. If things continue like this for a few more weeks it would be better to sit down and talk to your parents seriously about everything and tell them that your not willing to go through another compromise i the guy is not willing to give his 100%. More so than ever I really think u should do istekhaara and pray for whatever is best for you.
Bekk, please dont rush into something you are not 100% confortable with... both your head and your heart should be insync when making this decision! SubhanAllah you are lucky to be blessed with such open minded parents. Make use of that... tell them to get to the bottom of this masla (depression) as it may/ may not be hard for you to ask this dude yourself (i mean asking someone ke aap ki bemari ki waja kya hai might be too much for some to handle)... he cant mind if your parents do the investigation as they are meant to look out for you... and you have EVERY right to know exactly what you are getting into.
this depression thing is really scary! why would you get into something where wyou could see more hardships for yourself, something that could really affect your relationship.
Ask Allah SWT for guidance, offer istekharas and beg Allah SWT to show you the right path, that things become clearer for you in making this decision... trust me, sometimes you get the most unexpected hints that either encourage/ discourage you from moving forward.
may Allah SWT make things easier for you, aur jo bhi ho, tumharey liya acha ho, Ameen :)
Bekk i agree with most ppl that you really shouldn't rush into this thing unless ur 100% certain that it's what you want........my cousin a couple of yrs ago went through almost the same situation......she married a guy that wasn't really talkative and she really likes talking you can't shut her up for 2 seconds lol...........anyways she married him figuring that once they got married things would get better, she kept telling everyone that ppl open up more after marriage and it would be the same for him i think she was trying to convince herself more than anyone else cuz i know her really well and i know she wasn't 100% for this marriage.........so in the end well after like 1 yr of marriage she couldn't take it any more cuz she told me that even after that whole year he really wouldn't open up to her and it was the same with her just giving her a yes or no answer and never really initiating convo, and sadly they ended up getting a divorce.........so the point of this was that you should really get to know the guy before you marry him and since he won't open up to you you're going to have the initiate that convo and tell him how you feel and see what his reaction is on it, and yes definetely involve your parents in this and maybe they can talk to his parents about it or something............goodluck with your decision just pray to Allah that he will guide you in making the right decision :)
u should pray istikhara....inshallah Allah will make ur decision easier.
and there is no harm for you to find more info about him...even from him himself....doesnt matter if he is a hafiz or not...a potential couple CAN talk to each other to find out more about each other for the purpose of marriage.
maybe he's just shy...talk to his friends...they would know more....
Tnx for all replies.
I have talked to my fiance and tnx to Allah the problem is solved.
He have not been suffering by depression. He had some severe stomack pain. Coz he didnt tell about this pain openly, we believed on what we heared from here and there. This created a big misunderstanding. He has been shy until now, but he has opened himself the last days. Im getting to know him better. I`m now calm and believe I will be happy after wedding. InshAllah.
