Ok we all have expectations (no matter how much we try to not keep them) in terms of our life partners, e.g. religious/educational etc. What would you do if a few years down the line of your marriage you find out that half the things that were told to you about a potential girl/guy, which meant a lot to you (e.g. religious obligations for example) were all lies or half truths, said to you knowing that you would say no if they were not fully met.
If I were in that situation I would probably call that person out on their lies because to me it is important, although I would be stuck cos I’d be married to the person. I personally would find it devastating that a relationship was based on lies and coverups for no reason, but the only option left would be to forgive and move on, considering it to be no matter as your bond is too strong now.
Did your spouse admit to those half lies/truths out of a feeling of guilt and a desire to change or during a heated argument? There's a difference between the two....and more hope for change with the former. I'm a bit confused though......why would it take a few years into your marriage to figure things out? Adherence to certain religious obligations such as namaz/fasting should be fairly obvious within the first year, no?
and from what i learnt, you cant force anyone to pray/fast. And secondly, personally, I wouldnt consider it lying per se... its a choice. If someone said they would try to pray and fast after marriage, but didnt end up doing so... its not a lie. But thats my choice.
Religion is personal thing... and as much we'd like to force someone to pray/fast... we cannot force them
Oddly enough, you'd have learned enough about that person, and you'd probably be head over heels in love with them.
I think we desis approach marriage the wrong way. It's not a job application you should be submitting. You should sit down, talk to the person, and see if you have any understanding with them.
I learned this the hard way. Guys that on the first get go, I would not have given a second look to have turned out to be some of the best men I've met, and ... vice versa...guys who look like they have the best profile on paper...can be TOTAL crud to talk to.
So, my prediction would be that you'd look past it and move on. Humans are always in flux. Religious today, not so tomorrow. Not so religious today, tomorrow your spouse is doing tableegh, and you're like where the heck did this come from?
We need to stop thinking of each other as pieces of papers with checkboxes. Worst approach ever.
Honestly, sometimes I feel honesty is very over-rated, I mean are you that honest yourself?
And I am saying this from personal experience because this issue is very close to my heart. I was never the kind of person who would tell others in words who I am. People always assumed I am either this or that etc. etc. and when I didn't live upto their expectations, they simply called me a liar and moved on, while I never ever said I am like this or that. People are always changing. For example, I grew up extremely religious and then I could not keep up with my religious obligations as much anymore, does that make me a liar? No, I like change and I change my personality as it is required by the situation (I have to be).
We all change and that does not mean we lied about who we were at a certain point.
You are not with your spouse because you are stuck. You have a religious duty towards her, you have rights and responsibilities towards her/him. She/he is only a human and we all change and error.
If a person is figuring out this after few years down the road, doesn't that mean that spouse was passing all the expectations in flying colors during first few years?
I mean if you are told that someone is "religious" you can figure out perhaps in a week or so if they actually are or not. If you are told that person is highly educated, I am sure you can figure out in early days of marriage. If it took years that means whatever it is, its not of that much importance.
Sometimes there is 3rd person involve in connecting people too who at times tell beefed up stories about the "khoosiayaats"
and finally, even if there is something that I find out after years of marriage, I'll just move on.
I have just seen a 2 year engagement broken because the guys side lied on the religious sect fact (shia/ sunni). This kind of lies are usually caught even before marriage and if they bother people much, they usually don't proceed with the rishta.
Regarding the religious practices of a person, we don't get to know about them usually until we start living with the person. If religious practices are very important for you, you need to ask the person clearly that whether or not the person prays 5 times a day, fasts etc since its is very very important to you. There are ways to confirm this since you/ your family would be meeting the guy/ his family/ friends many times before the actual family and you can observe the guy and his practices and ask his family/ friends about it if his namaz/ roza practices are so important for you.
Regarding the educational practices, I have seen lies in that too. My aunt was married to a guy whose family told my aunt's family that he held a bachelors degree. After the shaadi, my aunt got to know that he didn't. She encouraged her husband to complete the bachelors degree which he did soon after the shaadi. You need to make sure of the educational qualifications before shadi.
I believe religious practices are a personal choice and we cannot be sure of a person's religious practices until we live with him/her. For me, its very very important that a guy doesn't **drink and **doesn't have dubious character. For this, I plan on asking the guy directly and asking his family/ friends. I think thats where pre-marriage investigation comes in handy. Whether or not he prays namaz and fasts in Ramadan, I hope I would be able to put a positive influence on him after the shadi (not that I am a very good Muslim but I try to perform the fard at least).
Well it must be hurtful for sure but your reaction would depend on the severity of the lie. If somebody lies about their religion/sect then that is def not excusable :nono:. However one thing i am sure about is that 99.9% lie about their age for proposals on average by 2 years, so whenever there is a rishta and they tell the guy is of “A” age, we always assume his real age to be “A+2” .
So true ZK. Interestingly, we never lie about my age. Kia faida jhoot bolney ka when we will be caught at the time of nikah. Passport copy will be needed for nikah so ultimately people will get to know about the age.
But my philosophy behind not lieing is how can we enter into a life long relationship on the basis of lies. Kal ko kese face karain gey?
^ And i wonder how do people cover it up when their real age comes out in open? I mean kitna embarassing lagta hoga? I guess jhoot bol detenge hongi, log buhat dheet hote hain .
Okay just to clarify it's not me, I'm not even married yet hehehe. I'm just trying to have a discussion cos I overactivated my brain cells last night :P
Adherence to religious obligations you can witness once you live in with him, what if you have only had a nikah and no 'rukhsati'/bringing the bride home?
If a potential spouse is asked a question because it is made clear to them such things will affect a decision, because everyone is entitled to their own 'dealbrakers' whether big or small if it's important to them then it is important we can't force them to change what is acceptable or unacceptable to them; such as, have/do you drink or smoke, aside from your prayers 5/aday what do you do in terms of religious obligations, one would automatically assume the reply they get is an honest one.
There are people who say I have quit smoking, or I used to pray but don't anymore etc. If these are where they decided to hide the truth, e.g. about the smoking no one will know unless they 'catch' them, which won't happen if you are in two different cities etc etc. then you only find out when you move in with them.
In which case you would keep thinking if I knew he was a chain smoker or went to pubs and clubs I would not be with him, or if I knew he was in a dozen live in relationships or slept around I would not be with him. He/She is not obliged to tell you of their past, but if you have clarified to them that it makes a big difference to you, it is only fair they are open also. Sadly, it doesn't work like that for everyone. I think it's unfair to tell others you are what you are not and then expect them to stick by because 'at least you told them now' because you didn't give them that initial chance to decide to be with the person that you actually are.
So I think while you may exaggerate certain things e.g. idk hafiz e qur'an, that can be worked upon once you are married that both of you can read/recite/learn together- if you have a huge past and have continued to have one right a few days prior to your nikah (pretty much being in two relationships), is it not fair that you let your spouse know?
I know about a marriage in our acquaintances. A woman who was 45 but looked like 30 married a guy who was himself 30 telling him that she was 30 , after just a couple of days he divorced her because he found out her real age from her driving license . It happened here in US.
on average by 2 years, so whenever there is a rishta and they tell the guy is of “A” age, we always assume his real age to be “A+2” 
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