Re: bhabi issue
I hear arabs beat the shisit out of their phuphos.....
Re: bhabi issue
same rule applies to all human beings; husband or wife.
That is not what I asked. I asked, how would you stop him from refusing to meet with them?
Re: bhabi issue
well I would never make issues of these things I don't consider these comments as insult, I would take it lightly and ignore. anyhow you need to stay out of it. its husband and wife issue now, leave it to them
Re: bhabi issue
That is not what I asked. I asked, how would you stop him from refusing to meet with them?
well if the other person is lacking the basic sense of importance for family and relatives, u work on them and make them understand! I never had to do it so don't know exactly how attainable it is but what i do know is if ur at right, u'll find a way.
bhabi issue
May be your Bhabhi feels that your chachi was not sincere when she apologized
Re: bhabi issue
I have a simple question something every man asks himself.
Why are you getting involved?
Because she involves me. Whenever there is any function and they will be there she usually says stuff to me along the lines of "I dont want to even go, but your brother is making me. Im right, right? I dont want to see Phupo/Chachi, ugh....so I shouldnt have to go, but your brother is making me."
This is the only time I ever even think about saying something to her. I wouldnt just randomly say something to her. But if you guys think I should just keep quiet, I will. I havent said anything in over 2 years, so if I dont say anything now, it doesnt make a difference either.
And I think it does have somewhat to do with her being Arab and not Pakistani. I guess Arabs dont take crap from their inlaws/ inlaws family. My husbands khala called me fat, and I am no where near fat. I am skinnier than my sils and his khalas daughters as well. I knew she was just jealous/upset because she wanted my husband to marry her daughter, and he didnt want to. Whatever, I got over it. I didnt blink an eye. I still am polite her, say my salaam, but I dont make any extra effort to talk to her. So thats why Im a little lost as to why my bhabi cant just move on.
Re: bhabi issue
well if the other person is lacking the basic sense of importance for family and relatives, u work on them and make them understand! I **never had to do it so don't know exactly how attainable it is **but what i do know is if ur at right, u'll find a way.
Exactly! This is why I said you cannot make someone behave a certain way. Not everybody understands the importance of relationships. As long as she is not going out of her way to teach them a lesson, there really is no issue.
Re: bhabi issue
Because she involves me. Whenever there is any function and they will be there she usually says stuff to me along the lines of "I dont want to even go, but your brother is making me. Im right, right? I dont want to see Phupo/Chachi, ugh....so I shouldnt have to go, but your brother is making me."
This is the only time I ever even think about saying something to her. I wouldnt just randomly say something to her. But if you guys think I should just keep quiet, I will. I havent said anything in over 2 years, so if I dont say anything now, it doesnt make a difference either.
And I think it does have somewhat to do with her being Arab and not Pakistani. I guess Arabs dont take crap from their inlaws/ inlaws family. My husbands khala called me fat, and I am no where near fat. I am skinnier than my sils and his khalas daughters as well. I knew she was just jealous/upset because she wanted my husband to marry her daughter, and he didnt want to. Whatever, I got over it. I didnt blink an eye. I still am polite her, say my salaam, but I dont make any extra effort to talk to her. So thats why Im a little lost as to why my bhabi cant just move on.
I don't know if it's an arab thing, their relatives can say pretty mean stuff to each other as well. I understand you're fed up with her attitude but just let husband and wife handle it. You never know if you say something and she turns sour on you for that, so better to be safe than sorry.
Re: bhabi issue
Because she involves me. Whenever there is any function and they will be there she usually says stuff to me along the lines of "I dont want to even go, but your brother is making me. Im right, right? I dont want to see Phupo/Chachi, ugh....so I shouldnt have to go, but your brother is making me."
This is the only time I ever even think about saying something to her. I wouldnt just randomly say something to her. But if you guys think I should just keep quiet, I will. I havent said anything in over 2 years, so if I dont say anything now, it doesnt make a difference either.
And I think it does have somewhat to do with her being Arab and not Pakistani. I guess Arabs dont take crap from their inlaws/ inlaws family. My husbands khala called me fat, and I am no where near fat. I am skinnier than my sils and his khalas daughters as well. I knew she was just jealous/upset because she wanted my husband to marry her daughter, and he didnt want to. Whatever, I got over it. I didnt blink an eye. I still am polite her, say my salaam, but I dont make any extra effort to talk to her. So thats why Im a little lost as to why my bhabi cant just move on.
Next time she says something like that, ask her if she wants your advice. If she says yes then tell her how you feel.
Re: bhabi issue
Lol, we women are so wretched.
Re: bhabi issue
So agree with this!,,
Just because lots of people are crappy human beinsg doesn't mean peopel should start accepting that (if they don't have to), is se sheh milte his aise logon ko. They are bullies, they know no one will stand up to them, so why would they ever not act like jerks?
Re: bhabi issue
Her feelings are legitimate and valid, and you should not be dismissive of them just because you don't like/agree with them -- don't get mad at someone from being upset; however you can change her perspective, if the opportunity arises.
This can be approached from a religious perspective, if you feel that will persuade her. There are numerous hadith and ayats from the Quran that discuss the importance of forgiveness, particularly if someone has apologized. In that sense it's not about the offender but about her transcending and letting go to please Allah.
But if you don't feel that will work, I think you should get her to consider the amount of negative energy that gets focused on these problematic relationships. Are they changing her? Are they affecting her relationship with her husband? Is that worth it?
I agree though with others that it will be hard for you to get involved in a lot of this without offending her or making it seem like you're taking sides against her.
Re: bhabi issue
If u think in arab culture aunties don't comment on younger women in their face, you are mistaken.
Re: bhabi issue
lets leave culture and her background aside. And lets not protect these aunties because “its just our culture” and “we have heard worst”.
Crap shouldn’t be said in the first place, and grudges shouldn’t go on for extended periods. It is unacceptable to hurt another family member. Unacceptable to hurt anyone at all.
Who knows how long she has been hearing crap for.
Sooner or later, you just give us and cant be stuffed anymore.
Other than that, what SO2 said :k:
Re: bhabi issue
If someone apologises and doesn't repeat the same behaviour then it's not justified to continue hold a grudge.
Re: bhabi issue
^ as i said, grudges shouldn't be held for extended periods.
Re: bhabi issue
This is going to be long, sorry! I have a good relationship with my bhabi. We are not that close though that I feel like I can sit down and say something about this situation to her.
So my bhabi is not pakistani, she is Arab. A few years ago, there was a function at my parents house. My dads family is not nice, they say rude things and try to pass them off as jokes but everyone knows what they really mean. They have made life miserable for my mom as well. My youngest chachi, you can basically call her uneducated. She is from the village, and I think only went up to grade 8, but she is my dadas niece, that's why they picked her. She does not have a bad heart, but she says things without realizing she is being hurtful. So that is a little background.
At the function, my chachi told my bhabi that she has lost so much weight that her nose looks big on her face now (my bhabi has always been sensitive about her nose). My bhabi tried to laugh it off, and just walked away (she is the one who told me what happened). To add insult to injury, when she walked away, she sat with my dads sisters and some of my cousins. The topic of pregnancy came up and my older Phupo (who is quite rude) said to her, you look like you are pregnant again, are you having twins? My bhabi has one set of twins. That's why she asked about twinsi guess. Anyway, i can't remember what her response was, but basically my Phupo was saying she looked fat.
Later that evening, my bhabi told me what had happened. I tried to console her, and told her not to take their words to heart, cause they were just rude people and honestly they are jealous of our family, which is true. I told my mom after what happened. She was able to say something to my chachi, but my Phupo is seriously such a b**** and has made my moms life miserable, that she has absolutely no confidence to say anything in front of them. My grandmother does not speak English, and my bhabi doesn't speak our language, but somehow my bhabi made my Dadi understand what had happened. My Dadi yelled at both my Phupo and my chachi for what they said. My chachi called my bhabi and apologized to her. She even had her daughter send an email from her apologizing. My Phupo did nothing. Since then, my bhabi doesn't talk to or interact with either my chachi or Phupo. Any time there is a function at one of their houses, she makes a big issue of not wanting to go. At first my brother was understanding and they didn't go to functions. But it's been over 2 years now. He thinks she should be over it by now. She still makes an issue, doesn't say Salam to any of them, and when she sees them will always say things like ugh, I don't want to see chachi/Phupo. She will walk right past them without even acknowledging them.
Here is the thing, my chachi has apologized to her numerous times and she honestly feels bad about what happened. I think she should just get over it now. My Phupo didn't apologize, so I think it's fine of she wants to keep her distance but at least she can say Salam to her. And I think she should just be normal with my chachi now.
Is there anything I can say to her? I want to tell her to get over it now, or do you think she is right by basically holding this grudge against them?
I have indian and chinese friends and according to them its common to be insulted face on like that from distant family members and inlaws however for arabs from even villages don't tell people comments like your nose is big/ you look fat no matter how secluded they live. Therefore arabs especially women aren't used to being insulted face on; by distant family let alone inlaws therefore may appear to be proud by not accepting the apology; but in fact this is quiet normal to act like that with insults much less that what she recieved because this is a rare occurance and when it does occur it is seen as being very rude. Many times i have heard people divorce when a husband swears at his wife so name calling isn't really tolerated by many arabs.
Re: bhabi issue
If u think in arab culture aunties don't comment on younger women in their face, you are mistaken.
No-one said they don't comment but the difference is how much is tolerated by the women on the receiving end..
I don't believe in holding grudges either but at the same time I'm not convinced she's holding a massive grudge anyway.. she's not said anything nasty in response (I think).. It seems more to me like she's trying to ignore them and not get into that sort of situation again..
One of them didn't apologise at all and the other apologised after being shouted at by an elder (though admittedly she apologised after that as well).. If I was in the bhabi's shoes I wouldn't be that confident about it not happening again.. and I wouldn't be surprised if comments about her personal appearance were made to her before that day too..
bhabi issue
My opinion is she doesn't have to get over it but considering she's there for her husband she should just go and attend when she has to and not make that an issue. She can keep her distance like she prefers but she needs to stop complaining after 2 years because she's not going for anyone else except her husband. For that reason alone she needs to just suck it up when it comes to the complaining part of not wanting to go.
You need to explain (if it comes up and she allows you to give her your opinion) that the same people have made your moms life miserable and even you don't seem to like them so just explain that these functions are out of formality and respect for keeping the family unit in tact. Your mother put up with the same crap because she had to and that's just the dynamic of your family, which seems to be the case. It's out of respect for your dads family regardless of how they are so that's why your brother also makes her go. They say **** to everyone so she doesn't have to put up with it by being nice but just civil and cordial and your brother probably just wants her to stay in touch with the family like everyone else. How is he gonna feel to be isolated from everyone. It's seems to be a gathering of a bunch of people who don't like each other but have to be there because it is what is and thats just the dynamic which is why she should just go and not focus on the crap but just stay close to you and enjoy herself as much as she can. That aspect isn't changing and she needs to accept and adjust to to way her husbands family operates. It's not like he's on their side, everyone agrees with her, it's out of formality and respect for dads family. Just emphasize they were not right at all but unfortunately you can't cut them out because they've done much worse to your mom but you guys just deal with it because you all have to.
Re: bhabi issue
If I was in your situation, I'd just stay out of it. Everyone involved is a grown up. Let the big girls make their own decisions.