Re: Best age to get married?
i was 28 and wife was 26 when we got married couple of years ago.
No kids yet but hopefully soon, think we're ready for that now.
these days the trend seems to be late mid to late 20's.
need education and/or employment these days to be marriage-material
Re: Best age to get married?
Since we are on topic, what is the best age to marry a second, third and fourth wife and so on ... ? (add your wives)
You don't need a different age for each of your wives, Pisi. You can pick a single age for yourself and marry all four of them at once. Knock yourself out.
If he insists on going that route, I think the answer would be when he can afford all four, given that he must treat and provide for all of them equally. :D
Re: Best age to get married?
With most of my single friends I have seen that , when you have nothing , you need a wife and when you have something you want to party .
So girls grab them , when you can :k:
Re: Best age to get married?
If he insists on going that route, I think the answer would be when he can afford all four, given that he must treat and provide for all of them equally. :D
You don't need a different age for each of your wives, Pisi. You can pick a single age for yourself and marry all four of them at once. Knock yourself out.
lol guys, I was being sarcastic. We all know marrying just one is a kiss of death
Re: Best age to get married?
in Urdu, there is a famous phrase about the right age for men and women to get married but unfortunately i can't post it here.
Re: Best age to get married?
im 20 right now. when i was younger i always thought that aged 25 would be the perfect age to get married. now im starting to think that 23 is the perfect age as i will have finished uni including postgrad and dont really want kids at a late age.
Re: Best age to get married?
This whole business of when did you not marry at a certain age is beyond me. It's not up to the individual. Many times in case of arranged marriages, the girls side likes the rishta but the boy's family reject her and vice versa. Plus a lot of people feel especially in Pakistan that a girl can't complete her education after marriage and wait for that. And that's true in case of a joint family system where if in laws would rather not send the girl the university, they won't.
Regarding kids, I have 7 sister in lWs who all got married late, youngest at 26 and the oldest at 38. Except one ( who had reproductive organ issues before marriage), all have kids. Three of them had kids had kids at 42 and 43 respectively and no IVF was involved. It was not that they had nakhras and married very regular joe kinda guys, it just did not happen for them earlier.
Yes, ideally you should have kids before 35 but the ideal is not everything.
my mum did indeed do part time jobs but no a regular basis, she was on and off working as we were 4 kids back to back. but i believe in mid life crisis for a women and i do feel at the age of 40 a women should be responsibility free and enjoy her life freely without always being held back by the kids. in all friends gathering my mum has, only she and another aunty are not always in a rush to go home because the kid need to sleep or the kid has school or the kids simply gets bored and start annoying the mother. her friends who married after their late 20s do suffer from all these scenarios.
as far as the 'submissive' is concerned, not everyone see it as a negative trait. if you keep your self respect wherever needed, what is the exact harm of being sometime submissive/compromising for a loved one. we all do it for parents and kids so why not for a partner?
when i say independent, i do not refer to the financial independence only but rather the thinking and ideas that do no cater for compromises and we all know marriage is full of compromises.
Re: Best age to get married?
I have no where said that an early marriage and kids at an early age is best because it is hard to get pregnant post the 30s....so clearly i do not understand all the example of ladies who were able to fall pregnant after their 30s..quiet irrelevant if you ask me
Re: Best age to get married?
You're making it sound like being 40 with young kids is a horrible punishment.
no , i am not making it sound like anything...i am observing 2 different life styles of mothers. and what i have personally notice from these women is that they always 'wished' they had married and had kids a bit earlier..altough they are very happy with their life in general.
Re: Best age to get married?
You can say it all you want.
Women should get married when they are good and ready. Not when other people think they're ready.
**Well, I guess you'll also be one of them.
**The same can be said for marrying when you're young and immature.
Ladies, men are not going anywhere - they will be around when you're ready. No big deal.
indeed... and hence this explains me saying i would not have the same luxury as my mum.
i might have other luxury she didnt though..
Re: Best age to get married?
Are these women single mothers? If not then where are their husbands...ie. the father of these children? The father can't watch his own children if his wife is out somewhere....even 1-2x/week? I know several families (desi and non-desi) where the husband is more than happy to watch the children if the wife needs to go somewhere. My own BIL spends evenings on his own with his 7 year old daughter if DIL is working late or needs to go on a "girls night out" or whatever. From what you're describing, it seems that the children needs to be attached to their mother 24/7 until the age of 18.
1) A 21/22/23 year old female who most likely is 100% dependent on her husband for financial support, and has never been independent her entire life thanks to having over-protective parents.....how much "self-respect" do you think she can really keep when her husband asks her to "compromise" on something? Do you honestly believe most desi women in that situation actually has a choice in not compromising?
2) We don't get to pick our parents and while living with them, we often don't have any control/choice in our "compromises". There is also a major difference in the way we're related. We can NEVER change who are parents are and no matter what they do, overwhelming majority of us will always be there for our parents. Its not like I can go look for and pick out another mother if I'm not happy with mine. Spouses are a different story. If my spouse is disrespectful, abusive, uncompromising whatever....if I'm not happy with him, I do have the option of divorce and looking for another spouse.
Not singles, few are working mums (part time) and other are housewives. The husbands work full time ,some on weekends as well. And the working mums usually meet up on their days off and have to rush to pick up kids from school or go home early as it would be sleeping time for the kids.
Self respect you have it or you dont...age doesnt matter here. I dont see compromise as an drawback... compromising and acting like a doormat are not synonyms in my dictionary
Plus an early marriage is not an end for education or job...so self respect and independent can be developed after marriage if one wants it.
Re: Best age to get married?
Maybe that's how it is in most backward desi families where the man will find it beneath him to watch the kids.....
Hota hai............
did it occur to you that maybe these 'backward' husbands are at work..and these lady meet during the week while they have a day off from their own job if they are not housewives?
Re: Best age to get married?
when all of your freinds get married and you don’t have any bachelor friends to hangout with 
… 
… :@
:idea: i should make new friends!
Re: Best age to get married?
I have no where said that an early marriage and kids at an early age is best because it is hard to get pregnant post the 30s....so clearly i do not understand all the example of ladies who were able to fall pregnant after their 30s..quiet irrelevant if you ask me
Who said that you wrote that? Its relevant in this thread b/c another member did bring it up.
Not singles, few are working mums (part time) and other are housewives. The husbands work full time ,some on weekends as well. And the working mums usually meet up on their days off and have to rush to pick up kids from school or go home early as it would be sleeping time for the kids.
Pretty much all women I know are full-time career women. I know quite a few couples where both are doctors and both work evenings/weekends depending on their schedule (my BIL/SIL being one of those couples). It all goes back to scheduling. If the mothers insist on meeting on their days off without considering anything else (such as childcare so they don't have to rush out) then that's a CHOICE they're making. Even with a full-time working husband who may work weekends….there is no reason why a woman with children cannot schedule a lunch/dinner/shopping trip whatever with 1 or more girlfriends on a day/evening where her husband is off and can take care of the kids for a few hours.
Of course, I guess all this assuming that women do not have ANY family members (parents, siblings whatever) nearby who can watch the children for a few hours and are not willing to get a babysitter (which again, is an option practiced by many women who need a break now and then).
Self respect you have it or you dont...age doesnt matter here. I dont see compromise as an drawback... compromising and acting like a doormat are not synonyms in my dictionary.
Having self-respect and standing up for your rights/leaving a situation where you are not being treated with respect are two very different things. In the latter, age/education/work experience makes a big difference. And it's the latter that causes women to be stuck in unhappy/abusive marriages.
There is a different b/t what's ideal and what's reality….especially in desi households. No one said compromise is a drawback or the same as being a doormat. My point being that when a women is young, has no finished her education, and has no way to support herself……..she has no choice but to be a doormat if it turns out that her husband/in-laws are jerks (especially if she's in a joint family situation). Quite often we don't find out the true nature of our husbands/in-laws until after the marriage. And by then its too late b/c she's dependent on them since its normal for HER parents and the rest of the community to convince her that she must "compromise" b/c she's a woman….when in reality she's really just being a doormat.
Plus an early marriage is not an end for education or job...so self respect and independent can be developed after marriage if one wants it.
Really? You've never heard of desi women whose husbands/in-laws refused to allow her to continue going to school after marriage? You've never heard of desi women whose husband and/or in-laws insist she not get a job OR give her so much responsibility in household chores that it's almost impossible for her to find/start a job? So for girls who are married off before even finishing bachelors and end up with one of these types of situations…..what are they supposed to do? Only choices are to divorce or "compromise" right?
What about pregnancy? No birth control method is 100% and we all know in desi families, everyone puts pressure for kids soon after marriage. Pretty difficult for a girl to continue education and go through pregnancy/care for a newborn without some SERIOUS help from family members. And realistically, most families will expect the wife to give 100% focus on baby (and I'm not saying this is a bad thing). Point being…..once again, woman "compromises".
And given that you yourself wrote earlier in the thread that its best for girls to get married while they're flexible and have not developed much independence….I don't think I need to address that. And given your comments regarding kids, I'm also sure I don't need to explain how difficult/impossible it would be for a girl in her early 20's to develop independence (if she's never had it before) if she gets pregnant and has a newborn to take care of.
Re: Best age to get married?
all the 'what ifs' that you have described here to justify against the wedding of young girl can also be said for wedding at a later stage...if your husband or your inlaws are useless and evil then you will again either have to divorce or be a doormat. For me, a girl that is stuck in an unhappy marriage is mainly because of family pressure...no one supports and encourage her to leave the spouse and start afresh. I have heard of young girl with no degree and no career getting a divorce with their family support when it was needed and i have also heard of women who are educated and working but stuck in unhappy marriage because their family are showing no support whatsoever and don the emotional blackmail. So you see, it all depends on support and your self courage and not your educational background.
The financial support a women has will sometime not be enough anyway..it will never be more valuable than the emotional support in such circumstances.
Pregnancy is an issue only to those who decide to delay it during the initial years for education or work purposes. But don’t we all know no contraception methods is 100% sure. So the girls who get married at younger age are well aware of this fact and will plan their life accordingly.
I did mention flexible and independency in a totally different context. The independence in my previous post meant the independence of not needing another person as companion in order to lead a happy life and thus the lack of ability to compromise for the partner's happiness (eg/ they’d rather do something their way and alone than understanding the partners points of view of objecting- of course I am only mentioning based on what I see around me)
my point of view stated that i thought early marriage was a good idea so the couple can afford the delay of babies for few years..so obviously i did not think of girls in their early 20s with babies as well managing as job/education.
In this topic, I am talking about getting married at young age by choice whereas you seem to be debating about the young girls that got married off at an early age rather unwillingly. Your points overall seem to sate that only jerks type of husband and inlaws will happen if you marry a young girl. Your points overall seem to state that only jerks type of husband and inlaws will happen if you marry at a young age.
AS far your comment regarding post marriage education is concerned...i will say that some desi families also force an already working women to stop her job or her education. Jerks will be Jerk regardless of the age of the bride.
The topic here isnt how low, mean and selfish a desi husband and inlaws can turn out to be after marriage. Nothing and no one can turn out to be perfect and we know that..it just not what i am debating here.
Re: Best age to get married?
I've only seen one case personally of a woman who studied after marriage and developed her career. Mind you it was when her daughter was 5 years old and her husband insisted because they couldn't make ends meet on his salary alone. The other cases I've seen unfortunately - most of the girls were so bogged down with household chores, kids, or pressure to get pregnant from the in-laws that they didn't pick a career or even want to work and just are now housewives. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that, but to put so much expectation on what will happen after marriage is also ignorant. If you want something out of your life, like a fulfilling career, then you need to be prepared to sacrifice something. The woman in the first scenario had to live in a dorm, away from her daughter and husband for a few years to complete her dentistry. Now she's happy, working as a dentist and they're financially much better off, but she always says how she wishes she could have studied and developed her career right away, instead of missing out on time with her daughter. Some women wouldn't even be able to do that, plus she got lucky that her in-laws helped and supported her with taking care of her daughter and their home while she was studying.
I do think though that I don't agree with girls who get married at very young ages - like 16-17.. I've just seen two cases of it and they weren't prepared to handle an entire household, and had bad relationships with their MIL, bhabhis because of the age difference and what was expected from them. Although marriage this young is no longer as common, it still does happen in some families back in Pak/India. I just don't think that's an age where a girl is mature enough to handle a marriage and all the extra family members it entails.
Re: Best age to get married?
And right here is a HUGE problem in the desi community. Convincing women…and women only that they will not be able to lead a happy life without their husband. Start the process of ingraining this belief at an early age (i.e. you yourself wrote earlier that this is why women should get married in their early 20’s). So what about the guys? Should husbands not feel that they need their wives in order to lead a happy life and thus they should also make compromises for the wife’s happiness? Should we get the guys married off at 21/22/23 too…before they become too independent and start thinking they don’t need a companion in order to lead a happy life?
If a girl is 25 and guy is 27 at the time of marriage…why can’t they choose to delay trying for a baby a few years? 
Even if they start trying when the girl is 27 and she gets pregnant within a few months (just using it as an example)…she’ll be 28/29 and he’ll be 31/32 when the baby is here. What is wrong with this scenario? You still haven’t fully explained why a child needs to stay attached to their mother 24/7 until 18? If a couple is working together as a team and BOTH are compromising…there is no reason a woman can’t also pursue her own social life/job whatever.
No, I’m not talking about girls being forced against their will. But let’s face it, MOST girls who get married at a young age do it with strong “encouragement” from their family.
No, I don’t intend to send the message that only jerk type husbands/in-laws will happen if you marry at a young age. That can happen at ANY age. My point is the girls should be prepared to take care of themselves IF they end up with the jerk type husbands/in-laws. They should never feel that they “have” to stay in a marriage b/c otherwise they can’t earn money to support themselves and will be out on the street. And yes, while her parents/siblings can help her out…there are no guarantees. Her own parents might be old, may have health issues, may be poor, or heck…may even die by the time she gets to the point where she wants to leave a marriage for whatever reason. Thus, before a girl chooses to enter a marriage, she should have the ability/skills/confidence to take care of herself just in case things don’t go as planned.
Yes but there is a big difference b/c stopping a girl from getting a education/job compared to stopping a girl who already has a career from continuing to work.
A 22 year old girl who hasn’t finished her education and/or does not have a job already. She is told by her in-laws and/or husband after marriage that she can not continue her education OR cannot get a job. So this girl can either “compromise” or leave husband and move back in with her parents/feel like she’s being a burden on parents. Of course, things are more complicated if her parents are old, has health/financial issues etc.
A 27 year old girl who is already done with her bachelors/masters whatever…and has a job. In fact, she has worked for a year or two at least, has her own savings etc. If she is told to give up her job after marriage…she can choose to do that OR she can choose to leave and easily move out on her own since she already has a source of income/savings, and has confidence that she can take care of herself.
I don’t know about you but I believe the girl in scenario #2](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) is the one with 2 real choices b/c she feels/knows that she has control regardless of the option she chooses. She does not have to be dependent on her parents or feel like she’s being a burden on them if she wants to leave. I would not wish scenario #1](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) on any female out there.
Re: Best age to get married?
Several people brought up getting married at a "young age." Could you guys clarify what you mean by "young age?" In my experience, "young age" is relative. There is quite a difference between under 21 young or 24-ish young.
Personally though (and people may disagree), I think 24-25 is plenty of time to have begun doing something with your life, whether it be completing a Bachelor's degree or doing some other course and beginning to work, if one is so inclined. As far as getting married before 21, unless the gentleman is a Saudi prince with millions, I'm rather curious as to how the couple plans to support themselves if get married at that age.
Re: Best age to get married?
Several people brought up getting married at a "young age." Could you guys clarify what you mean by "young age?" In my experience, "young age" is relative. There is quite a difference between under 21 young or 24-ish young.
Personally though (and people may disagree), I think 24-25 is plenty of time to have begun doing something with your life, whether it be completing a Bachelor's degree or doing some other course and beginning to work, if one is so inclined. As far as getting married before 21, unless the gentleman is a Saudi prince with millions, I'm rather curious as to how the couple plans to support themselves if get married at that age.
Generally, I think anything below 23-24 is young. At least in the U.S., if a person starts college at 18 & finishes in 4 years, they get bachelors at 22. Getting married at 23-24 (at the earliest) gives them at least a year or two of work experience, chance to save a little money etc. (assuming they're not pursuing further education).
Re: Best age to get married?
Several people brought up getting married at a "young age." Could you guys clarify what you mean by "young age?" In my experience, "young age" is relative. There is quite a difference between under 21 young or 24-ish young.
Personally though (and people may disagree), I think 24-25 is plenty of time to have begun doing something with your life, whether it be completing a Bachelor's degree or doing some other course and beginning to work, if one is so inclined. As far as getting married before 21, unless the gentleman is a Saudi prince with millions, I'm rather curious as to how the couple plans to support themselves if get married at that age.
I am a person who sees relativity in everything...but age [for marriage] isn't really one of them. I think 25+. Honestly, nowadays...I think people are just getting married at a later age due to factors that are not in their control...it's just becoming a norm. and a good one.