Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
NEVER talk back to your husband when he's angry.
i had a coworker who was so loud and for some reason on days he argued with his wife, he would always act like a complete jerk and it was a pain being around him b/c since his wife is younger and I was close to her age, he picked on me or raised his voice with me. The one time I defended myself, he got even angrier. Thankfully that dude got a job somewhere else but what would be the best thing to so if a husband acted like that? Just walk away until you cool down from his actions and words? What if it's totally uncalled for like in the case of my coworker. Sometimes it's hard not to defend yourself.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
^I don't think it's a good idea to always keep quiet and take it if he acts like a bully.. Will it 'keep' a marriage together? Probably.. Will it be a happy/loving marriage? I seriously doubt it..
Some of this advice looks like it's come from Bahishti Zewar..
Marriage IS about compromise but that means BOTH sides making an effort.. not one partner being treated like a doormat for the sake of staying together..
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
^I don't think it's a good idea to always keep quiet and take it if he acts like a bully.. Will it 'keep' a marriage together? Probably.. Will it be a happy/loving marriage? I seriously doubt it..
Some of this advice looks like it's come from Bahishti Zewar..
Marriage IS about compromise but that means BOTH sides making an effort.. not one partner being treated like a doormat for the sake of staying together..
^I quite agree. Rather than always keeping quiet and accepting everything in order to avoid conflict, it would be far wiser to pick your battles and raise and discuss issues that are important. I would think that knowing how to choose your battles would be common sense as we do that in various other facets of life, such as with our parents or in a work setting.
While I think that one should keep quiet and refrain from arguing over petty, insignificant issues, one should not keep quiet about major, important issues simply to avoid conflict. Quietly accepting everything, even when it may not be right, only leads to resentment and conflict further down the road. Resentment also makes people rather bitter and unpleasant to be around.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
^Agree about the last bit as well.. Hate to say it but I really do think the bitterness and ott behaviour we see from some aunties comes from pent up frustration and bitterness..
I've seen husbands shouting at their wives, the wives keeping quiet but then taking it out on the servants or kids or whoever else happens to be around.. It's unhealthy and twisted..
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
issues that we might be total opposites on are what I dread. I don’t know how I would react. But I think at these times, it helps to have those opposite behavior couples for the sake of the marriage. The man or the woman is easy going and cool minded and at that point the other person can be hot headed (not good but still, to keep it peaceful it’s a must).
I’m actually trying to learn the art of active listening. In marriage I think it helps. If I could have a pad and pen whenever i’m in an argument, it would come in really handy to write down all the stuff they say in anger so I could show that i’m actually listening and understanding. I hate it when i’m saying the same thing as the other person but somehow they’re still getting angrier…I think at that point I just listen and do a mental and quietly go about my business because it’s actually just someone that’s blowing off steam and using me as a target.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
Much advice given, but the one below I still follow after 26 yrs of marriage.
Never call your husband by 'Tu" or 'You', or "tell" him to do this (he is not your servant) and that..rather "Ask" politely and respectfully, eg. " We're out of milk, do u think u can pick some up on way home " ..and always be mindful of your tone. I do not walk around eggshells around my husband, obviously one does get annoyed etc, nor am I super polite with DH ( as in aap, aap, aap) , but hopefully you will get the gist of it !
I don't think my post mentions calling/addressing your husband by 'Aap' .
Basic advice is speaking kindly and mindfully.. :)
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
^I don't think it's a good idea to always keep quiet and take it if he acts like a bully.. Will it 'keep' a marriage together? Probably.. Will it be a happy/loving marriage? I seriously doubt it..
Some of this advice looks like it's come from Bahishti Zewar..
Marriage IS about compromise but that means BOTH sides making an effort.. not one partner being treated like a doormat for the sake of staying together..
^Agree about the last bit as well.. Hate to say it but I really do think the bitterness and ott behaviour we see from some aunties comes from pent up frustration and bitterness..
I've seen husbands shouting at their wives, the wives keeping quiet but then taking it out on the servants or kids or whoever else happens to be around.. It's unhealthy and twisted..
My point was to not talk back with your husband at that moment, not saying to be just quiet and leave the matter at that but to talk it out later when both have you have cooled down and let the other person know how you felt about the issue.
It makes it so much easier because after you both are wanting to listen to each other. If you both talk back it just turns into a useless argument
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
^^That makes sense. It would be difficult to keep a cool head right then when something is said in anger, obviously he isn't thinking straight. People will get angry but hopefully they won't say words that would intensely hurt the other person to the point of no return. After hurtful things are said, it's hard not to react immediately.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
My wedding date is 25 November 2014.And, I am just searching my dream wedding invitation.But, my budget is low so one of my friend suggest me a Splendid online wedding cards site. On which i can found my invitation.and i am seriously happy with this design.
My nana Aboo always said to me, kameez uthaoge toh kiska pait nanga hoga? Khud ka..! Never understood this advice till I got married and the advice actually kicked in..
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
My nana Aboo always said to me, kameez uthaoge toh kiska pait nanga hoga? Khud ka..! Never understood this advice till I got married and the advice actually kicked in..
Does this just basically mean that if you screw up or bring shame to yourself when you're married you're bringing shame to the whole family
"Mia biwi gari kay 2 paiyay hotay hain"
Ive never understood this saying. I assume they mean 2 each. A car with two wheels is called a bicycle.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
^ Something like that, I think. Don't rock the boat. Put up and shut up, etc. Or maybe her nana meant learn to pick your battles. I hope that's what he meant anyway because no one needs to be told to be a door mat, esp not in marriage.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
My hubby's best friend growing up introduced me to his mom few weeks before our wedding. I lost my mom at a very young age and quickly bonded with her while my wedding and all was going on in Pak and she stepped in to do the things a mom would for her daughter's wedding. She told me to save for the future and that managing a household is all in the woman's hands. I think it's the best mature advice I have gotten from anyone. I actually really admire her as she's educated and always maintains how important it is for girls to study and make something of themselves.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
The advice in this thread I felt was rather helpful in realistic scenarios and you all are happy in your marriages. Obviously something's being done right. I hope this thread doesn't go in the thread graveyard
I had this coworker in my old group which i recently left, she was in her 60s and was very moody. Even if I went out of my way to hold the door for her if we both were coming in or offered to help with some of her projects, I even tried to think of reasons why she might be giving me the cold shoulder and going out of her way to be a jerk. If I assigned a project to myself, if she felt like she should do it, she would reassign it to herself. I thank god i'm not working around her anymore but I feel bad for her daughter in laws since i'm guessing she's like that outside of the professional environment too even if her experience is stellar. If you're MIL or SIL was like that, how would you all handle it in the most diplomatic way possible where hubby loves you and MIL/SIL stops acting that way.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
The one I found most interesting was something my grandmother told my cousin when she got married. The MIL is not your mother and never mistake her to be. It might seem like a controversial comment but what she's saying is that our mothers love us unconditionally. They fight for us, heck, they'll die for us. They'll forgive us when we're rude, lazy, argumentative, disobedient. They'll always take our side.
To ask a MIL to do the same is to put a massive burden on them. They don't know you or understand you the way your mother does. They can't interpret what you leave unsaid. It doesn't mean they can't fall in love with you but it'll take time maybe even years. To expect the same kind of loyalty your mother gives you instantly is unrealistic.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
^ and they have their own kids, one of whom you are married to. Having a son myself, I would hope that I would be a fair and kind mil one day but if girlie acts out, she better watch out lol. No one else's child can possibly compare to mine when it comes to loving them. Your relationship with your MIL HAS to be unique and built on mutual respect at the very least, and built over time and space and life, at it's own pace. Your grandmother is an extremely wise woman- listen to her!
and quietly go about my business because it’s actually just someone that’s blowing off steam and using me as a target.