We all get lotsssss of advice when we get married.
What was the best piece of advice you received on your wedding or during your marriage?
I’ll go first:
The best advice I received was to just be as sincere as possible with no expectations from anyone.
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My mom's best friend gave me this advice and I live by it: She said remember your inlaws have been living in that house and you are the new person, so don't start making changes because it isn't your style or something. How would you like it if someone else came in and started to make changes in your perfect home.
Another thing i learned and practice from this aunty is not to tell everything to my mom. My mom will always be my mom and will be oversensitive about the issues.
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Your actions and your status are no longer just your own, and shouldnt become a source of embarrassment for your family.
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:k:
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Awesome stuff...I also agree with the advice about not telling every thing to our moms when we're venting about things...lol
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give your first 2 years to your husband and in-laws TOTALLY, without trying to change them,without confrontations and you will be fine for the rest of your life. worked for me !
LOADS of patience and tolerance
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My mom always says sabr and shukar is what one needs to stay happy in a marriage....
That and she also told me to watch Durr-e-shehwar by Umera Ahmed lol. I have to admit I learnt a lot of stuff from that Drama Serial.
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A few that I found rather wise:
Treat others in the manner in which you would like to be treated or the manner in which you would want your family to be treated. In other words, treat your husband's family the way you would want others to treat your family.
Dramas are not real life and thus, one should not use dramas as a guide to real life. There is no "guide to marriage." Rather, be realistic and approach situations with sincerity, maturity, and common sense.
One should not obsess over and over analyse every minute detail. Not everything has a deeper meaning. Reading too much into things only results in unnecessary stress.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
give your first 2 years to your husband and in-laws TOTALLY, without trying to change them,without confrontations and you will be fine for the rest of your life. worked for me !
LOADS of patience and tolerance
I like this proto a lot
I think newlyweds struggle a lot with balancing and some amount of guilt for being away from parents.
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^ We know since always that the system is stupid and we have to leave our parents one day (I am talking about most of the desi households here) so why lament and feel irritated&guilty about something that has been happening since generations ? Move on, and ironically, the best way to adjust is when the husband and ILs are sure you are no longer 'connected' to your family (even if you are, to show them that THEY are your new family) makes things easier for you.
Also I forgot to mention, an elderly married friend told me this: 'DO NOT volunteer any information about happenings in your family,previous life to your husband or ILs. They have no interest in knowing how your phuppo mistreated your mom or whatsoever..they will only use the info to rub it in your face one day.
Similarly, DO NOT tell all details of the happenings of your married life to you mom. She will only advice you according to how she thinks she needs to protect HER daughter. She doesnt know what situation are you in and will never keep that into consideration when suggesting us 'remedies'.
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I can't think of the best advice off the top of my head, but I can remember the WORST advice I received lol:
I had just had my rukhsati, and was sitting in my dulhan clothes on the bed waiting for hubby to come in (obviously a very nervous time for girls). My nund comes in a few minutes before my hubby to check if I need anything - and she proceeds to tell me the hadith that if I don't 'please' my husband the angels of Heaven will curse me until the morning.
I was stunned... and scared... and everything was made 10 trillion times more awkward! Luckily my husband is great and doesn't think like that AT ALL, so we were fine in the end, but uff the tension she caused me 5 minutes before he walked in was unforgettable!
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^LOL
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I think there were some really good once and now I can't remember lol
I guess these two stuck out since I remember them
Don't let your ego be bigger than your marriage
There's only room for two in a marriage, family and friends are there to balance out everything else outside of it but at the end of the day it's only about the two of you. You for him and him for you.
Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
Nnabid that's sooo funny!! I can't imagine waiting on the bed, I never had to do that thank goodness.
The best advice I received was to always speak to my husband in a good tone no matter how angry I ever was even if in a fight and I noticed over time my hubby always remembers that and his own patience grew.
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give your first 2 years to your husband and in-laws TOTALLY, without trying to change them,without confrontations and you will be fine for the rest of your life. worked for me !
LOADS of patience and tolerance
So the first two years you give all your time to the in laws and husband? I'm not sure how difficult that might be because it's like giving up half of the love i have for parents, siblings. So all special events even if parents invite the couple for a get together and the in laws and husband don't want to go it's okay for the first few years.
Although, when a marriage is consummated, i guess the wife feels a strong closeness to the husband and a woman has to cut any ties to our parents and siblings even if they are wonderful parents and family members. It seems so difficult. Why must that happen?
Where do the girl's sweet parents fit in this....as outsiders? That's the one concept that just freaks me out and I think would be the hardest to adjust to or understand.
I want to be able to atleast try to make a good, stable marriage work though.
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Much advice given, but the one below I still follow after 26 yrs of marriage.
Never call your husband by 'Tu" or 'You', or "tell" him to do this (he is not your servant) and that..rather "Ask" politely and respectfully, eg. " We're out of milk, do u think u can pick some up on way home " ..and always be mindful of your tone. I do not walk around eggshells around my husband, obviously one does get annoyed etc, nor am I super polite with DH ( as in aap, aap, aap) , but hopefully you will get the gist of it !
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
Much advice given, but the one below I still follow after 26 yrs of marriage.
Never call your husband by 'Tu" or 'You', or "tell" him to do this (he is not your servant) and that..rather "Ask" politely and respectfully, eg. " We're out of milk, do u think u can pick some up on way home " ..and always be mindful of your tone. I do not walk around eggshells around my husband, obviously one does get annoyed etc, nor am I super polite with DH ( as in aap, aap, aap) , but hopefully you will get the gist of it !
But that's more a personal choice rather than a general piece of advice: I know of some couples where the husband specifically asks the wife to call him 'tum', as he thinks 'aap' is something you'd refer to an auntie lol. I guess the general advice of speaking kindly to your partner rather than giving orders goes a long way
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So the first two years you give all your time to the in laws and husband? I'm not sure how difficult that might be because it's like giving up half of the love i have for parents, siblings. So all special events even if parents invite the couple for a get together and the in laws and husband don't want to go it's okay for the first few years.
Although, when a marriage is consummated, i guess the wife feels a strong closeness to the husband and a woman has to cut any ties to our parents and siblings even if they are wonderful parents and family members. It seems so difficult. Why must that happen?
Where do the girl's sweet parents fit in this....as outsiders? That's the one concept that just freaks me out and I think would be the hardest to adjust to or understand.
I want to be able to atleast try to make a good, stable marriage work though.
GG - the poster said you only need to do so for a couple of years. It's a short term sacrifice (relatively) which you should reap the reward of in the long term. It may be difficult in the beginning but you have to think of the bigger picture.
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GG - the poster said you only need to do so for a couple of years. It's a short term sacrifice (relatively) which you should reap the reward of in the long term. It may be difficult in the beginning but you have to think of the bigger picture.
I am not arguing, i'm just trying to understand it. Don't the girl's family usually invite the newly wed couple over? Most of you that are in good marriages did not do that or did your parents understand that that must not be done. Is it something that's just understood in our culture? An unspoken rule....
No contact with family at all for a couple years even if they live in the same country? Only a phone call here and there. What's the bigger long term reward?
trying to think of possibly a real life example.
If you get married and then after a few months your sister or brother get married, you should not attend the wedding because all this time is meant to be devoted to your in laws and husband and building a strong relationship with them.....?
Keep the good, tried and tested advice coming everybody.
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^^ No - it doesn't mean no contact lol. Unless your ILs suffer some kind of mental illness they're not going to deny you any contact whatsoever with your family. And the rasm of 'maklava' I believe it's called (going to visit bride's parents together as a couple for the first time after the rukhsati) is a very common practice so it would be seen as socially unacceptable for them to deny you that.
It just means that in general terms, you will have to put the needs and wants of your ILs first in order to please them, so that in the future you can do what makes YOU happy. So for e.g. Eid day, if they decide that the whole day will be spent parading you, the new dulhan, around in front of all their relatives, so that you don't get to meet your family, or maybe only briefly - then just go with the flow, and meet your parents the next day. It's not ideal, but it's a small sacrifice.
I think that's what she meant anyway - it was Proto's point perhaps she can explain better :)