Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
The reason I mentioned the real life example was because I had a friend whose in laws and husband did not want to attend her brother's wedding even if it was a couple months after her and her husband's wedding. They were in the same city as the place that the brother's wedding was taking place(i've met her brother and his wife, they were totally awesome people) but the in laws and husband gave her the cold shoulder and acted like it wasn't really a special day since it wasn't an event in their family. I don't even know if she finally got to attend it but even if she did she missed most of it. It's those kinds of family politics situations that make absolutely no sense that I wonder about. I know I would be in tears and wouldn't know how to deal with it.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
I am not arguing, i'm just trying to understand it. Don't the girl's family usually invite the newly wed couple over? Most of you that are in good marriages did not do that or did your parents understand that that must not be done. Is it something that's just understood in our culture? An unspoken rule....
No contact with family at all for a couple years even if they live in the same country? Only a phone call here and there. What's the bigger long term reward?
trying to think of possibly a real life example.
If you get married and then after a few months your sister or brother get married, you should not attend the wedding because all this time is meant to be devoted to your in laws and husband and building a strong relationship with them.....?
Keep the good, tried and tested advice coming everybody.
GG, there is no set rule for this. It really depends on your situation and the personality of your in laws. Not all in-laws require that you spend every minute of your time with them or do everything their way. Everyone is different.
I've been married since February of this year and we definitely don't do this and really, I don't know anyone in my circle who does. My husband's parents don't live with us, are rather busy themselves and quite like their space, so they don't expect our lives to revolve around them. It really depends on your specific situation and the type of relationship you have with your in-laws.
I honestly don't think there is any "guide" or "rules" for marriage as every marriage is different. As far as tried and tested advice, that is not written in stone either. What is tried and tested and worked for someone else, may not apply to your situation and may not work for you.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
^Agree..
Someone mentioned earlier always calling their husband 'aap'.. I've come across younger guys (inc in my own family) who actually don't want to be called that as they find it too formal so it depends a lot on your own personal situation..
Other examples could be to do with elders advising young wives to always dress and act very modestly for their husbands (even when no-one else is around), act 'shy' etc.. Again nowadays some guys don't like that whilst for others it's a must..
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
So the first two years you give all your time to the in laws and husband? I'm not sure how difficult that might be because it's like giving up half of the love i have for parents, siblings. So all special events even if parents invite the couple for a get together and the in laws and husband don't want to go it's okay for the first few years.
Although, when a marriage is consummated, i guess the wife feels a strong closeness to the husband and a woman has to cut any ties to our parents and siblings even if they are wonderful parents and family members. It seems so difficult. Why must that happen?
Where do the girl's sweet parents fit in this....as outsiders? That's the one concept that just freaks me out and I think would be the hardest to adjust to or understand.
I want to be able to atleast try to make a good, stable marriage work though.
Hey GG
I think what proto was saying is basically to make your inlaws and husband the top priorities in your life for the beginning of your marriage so they feel a connection with you and vice versa. It doesn't mean no contact with your own family. It means giving him significance, importance, etc.
It sounds harsh in a way but in the end, its better for you, your own parents and your futures to have that closeness established.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
Another tip I got was:
Pick your battles...meaning make sure you choose carefully what to fight over so you don't end up bickering over everything. After a while, your opinion loses importance because it seems you don't agree with anything he/she says.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
I call him ‘aap’ and by his name. He calls me ‘aap’ and ‘baat sunayn’ (no names)
globalgal, I just read your post about my comment and I can see nnabid and reha have explained what I meant pretty well. It varies according to your situation. What happened with your friend is not what happens in routine actually an there must be more story to it that why did they do that to her.
Like nnabid gave an example, that is exactly what I do. My eids are ALWAYS with ILs (in another city) since last 8 years. They expect all bahu’s to be around on day one and all the dil’s leave for their parents’ places right after the family lunch EXCEPT ME because my husband wants us to wait for my sil’s to be back to meet my MIL and family and we return to Lahore to meet my family the next EVENING . I used to weep all night quietly on eid nights thinking ;meri koi family nai hai? sub eid inhoan ne hee karni hoti hai’, etc but now I have come to peace with it because it only spoiled MY eid and everyone else was all happy happy. My mom always advised me that it is just for a day and she never makes me feel bad on eid day on phone by saying ‘tum hoti tau acha hota’ or stuff like that. She only says ‘enjoy your eid .. phir pata nahin kub milnaho sub se ..zindagi ka koi pata nahin’.
It is all about compromises that we can easily do to keep life as peaceful and problems free as possible. Some can tolerate some situations with a smile while others cannot stand it all when the same happens to them.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
Agree with proto.. My inlaws are also in different city and we go there on chand raat and came back on 3 rd. Day of eid and then that same day went to my mom house.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
^what does that mean?
@prototype, with my friend, the more to the story is just that, some families believe that as soon as a girl gets married into their family she shouldn't be connected with her family as much anymore and that it is necessary to break those ties. After marriage, her husband and his family never visited her family even if they were invited or given a formal invitation, only she went and that too not without major issues and problems being created. They never attended any events unless they were within their own family. I never saw her after she got married. I guess she just took it. All families are going to be different and won't think in the same way some weirder than most.
It's just a really old world way of thinking and totally 180 degrees different from what i'm used to.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
^what does that mean?
@prototype, with my friend, the more to the story is just that, some families believe that as soon as a girl gets married into their family she shouldn't be connected with her family as much anymore and that it is necessary to break those ties. After marriage, her husband and his family never visited her family even if they were invited or given a formal invitation, only she went and that too not without major issues and problems being created. They never attended any events unless they were within their own family. I never saw her after she got married. I guess she just took it. All families are going to be different and won't think in the same way some weirder than most.
It's just a really old world way of thinking and totally 180 degrees different from what i'm used to.
Re: Best Advice You Received on Your Wedding/Marriage
^what does that mean?
@prototype, with my friend, the more to the story is just that, some families believe that as soon as a girl gets married into their family she shouldn't be connected with her family as much anymore and that it is necessary to break those ties. After marriage, her husband and his family never visited her family even if they were invited or given a formal invitation, only she went and that too not without major issues and problems being created. They never attended any events unless they were within their own family. I never saw her after she got married. I guess she just took it. All families are going to be different and won't think in the same way some weirder than most.
It's just a really old world way of thinking and totally 180 degrees different from what i'm used to.
That's pretty sad. I dont know why do husbands and ILs expect such a wife/dil to act normal and good with them if they have not anything to keep her stress free and relaxed in her new environment ?
