Being raised in a joint family

Lifestyle Relationships
1

We always talk about girls living in joint families and I’m pretty sure htat the majority of Pakistanis living in North America/Europe live in single family homes with relatives nearby but I was curious about those who are raised in joint families (i.e., the kids who are now adults).

Have you known anyone who was raised in one?

Were you raised in one? How was your experience? Would you wnat the same for your children?

For sake of this discussion a joint family is where there are grandparents and/or aunts and uncles, all living under one roof.

PS this isn’t to bash or push an agenda…but I’d genuinely like to hear about peoples experiences (Good and bad)

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

I was in a joint family uptil the age of 10 i think....and defenitely loved it....
I wud want my kids to be exposed to tht environment for some period in their life.....but not entire life...

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

the idea scares me and would def. not want that for myself - so I'm curious to see what people will say

4

Re: Being raised in a joint family

I would've grown up in a joint family system, had my parents not decided to migrate to the UK. I've always wondered how it would have affected me had we stayed. I think my cousins who do live in such a system, definitely are better at handling family drama as I guess it's more normal for them. I on the other hand just get really upset when family members don't get along and become naraz at each other. Also, I quite like my own privacy and just minding my own business. I can hang out alone in my bedroom for hours.. That's kinda not possible in a joint system Eveyone seems to know absolutely everything about other people's business.. But I guess it's fun as well

5

Re: Being raised in a joint family

Living with grandparents is something that I experienced as a child for a time and is something that I would want my own kids to experience as well. There is so much that grandparents can teach a child. They have patience and wisdom far beyond parents are able to give a child themselves due to everyday routines. Grandparents nurture children in a different manner altogether and that is something all children should be blessed enough to experience.

No experience living with aunts uncles etc so cannot really comment on that

6

Re: Being raised in a joint family

:k: exactly…
but as i said…for a period of time…

7

Re: Being raised in a joint family

I lived in a semi-joint family system for 10-13 years. We lived on the first floor while the rest of the family (my mom's) lived upstairs. Most of our meals were separate but all of us also ate together sometimes. We had privacy AND access to all the kona khudras of the house :D. I enjoyed it as a child. There were a lot of people who love and care about you around all the time. We also rarely had any family drama... at least none got to us kids.

I would like it if my kids got to grow up feeling loved from everywhere... but I don't know how easy it would be for me. I like my privacy.

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

It depends on the people in the situation. For about 5-6 years during my childhood and teens, my father's parents lived with us. Overall it was not a great experience for our family. I won't get into details, but basically they didn't get along much with my mother, and my mother is THE most low-maintenance, relaxed, friendly person you could ever meet. My grandparents were often unreasonable about many things, calling family back home and telling all these lies about my mother, creating drama. I remember I was never allowed to go to my friends houses because it would be like "what would dada and dadi think about you going outside?". Toward the end of their stay with us, they created a LOT of drama by meddling and not allowing anyone to live an independent life. Finally they moved to Pakistan to live with other uncles of mine because they were on the verge of driving my parents toward divorce. Things have been great since and my parents relationship is better than ever without their meddling. Distance does make the heart grow fonder in this case. The experience left me traumatized because my only set of living grandparents, the people that are supposed to love and pamper you, created a toxic situation in my childhood home because they disrespected the most important person to me - my mother.

As a result of these experiences, I've been TERRIFIED of the joint family system, freaking out when my fiance mentioned that it's something he wants to consider. However, over time I have come to learn that it just depends on the people involved in the situation. His parents and my parents are all veryyyy chilled, loving, and respectful people, so I would be comfortable living with them and raising my children with them around because I know that they will give me the space I need while still having the feeling of togetherness at home.

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

I think it's quite telling that those who are saying they loved and enjoyed it seem to be the ones who lived in a joint family mostly *when they were v.young * (before they became teenagers + prob before they would start to value a bit more space or privacy) and not permanently or lived on a different floor so prob didn't have to deal with as much stress or drama..

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

Chor ki Daarhi main tinka :chai:

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

Joint family system provides a nice nurturing environment for every member of the family if there is no friction , family politics and any kind of negativity.
If there is lot of friction , family politics and negativity then it has adverse effect on the personality of kids and gives rise to dysfunctional members of society.
I was raised in the first kind of environment , then because of the property disputes it turned into the second kind , so my parents decided to move away from all that family politics and I am glad they did and provided us more peaceful and nurturing environment .

12

Re: Being raised in a joint family

Salaam

I was born in a joint family (in Australia) and I currently still live in a joint family. My dad and uncle own the house and my grandparents have always lived with us, my grandmother passed away 5yrs ago and im the caretaker of my grandfather.

There have been many goods and bads, however i wouldn't recommend anyone living in a joint system, you can live next to each other but NEVER together.

We have a massive kitchen where we all eat our meals together, my uncles family is the caretaker for upstairs while my parents are the caretakers for downstairs, (i live upstairs because there's not enough bedrooms downstairs).

I have always asked my dad why we live in a joint family? Reasons

  • both my uncle and dad love my grandparents and always wanted to be there for them -my grandparents are old since my dad and uncle are the youngest in the family.
  • they wanted to save money - My dad and uncle started a business together in order to share expenses etc

theres more but cant remember.......

Everything was good when we were younger, me , my sister and cousins had a wonderful time growing up, we all went to the same school, had the same clothes, shared everything, played together etc but as we got older it was always like my cousins vs us. Now 2 out of 3 of my cousins are married, still visit but its just a salam to us now.

We always have dinner together esp friday nights and we have discussions. Ramadan is the best time, when we all have Iftar together!!

I think theres a lot of compromising to do, whether its from the wives or the kids everyone has to do it. My dad is very diplomatic (hes the youngest out of the 2), if ive had an argument or anything he would either ask me to ignore it or say sorry. So i have sort of learnt to live with it!

Um..... thats about it I think!

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

Yes I myself was raised in a joint family system. It was a fantastic experience..really great. Yeah i would like to have same for my children (depending on how everyone is)

14

Re: Being raised in a joint family

I never did....

But my son was raised in one until recently... Screw the parents and the drama and saas bahu jhagra .... The real ones to bemefit are the kids.... I can honestly say my son was brtter off living with my i laws in the same house than he is now... And all for selfish reasons... Like?

Prayers,... I pray but not as regulalry as my in laws do... My son has been "praying" ever since he could crawl and now does the whole deal... He learned so much bout ettiquettes from his grandparents for everydaybhtings like eating and going to the washroom....

Now im not saying im not teaching him myself... But the stress and pressure is so much less on the parents cuz u know someone else also has the best intrest of ure child at heart.

On an end note i would like to just add that my in laws are good humans and arent deranged lunatics who would have a horrible influence on my son :d in that case i would have been saying otherwise.

15

Re: Being raised in a joint family

grandparents are cool--beyond that, no thanks.

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

is that even possible?
Honestly....I believe that where there are people, there is bound to be friction, politics and even just a lil bit of negativity!

meri puri daarhi tinka hai whats ur point

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

I was raised in a joint family system (11 people in the house) and I can only wish if I could provide the same environment to my kids. I learned so much from my uncle, aunts, dada etc.

Personally I think if a kid can spend early part of life (lets say upto 10 years old) in joint family system, he/she should GIVEN that family dynamics are working well. If there are too many conflicts, then better live separately. In our case, I am not saying it was all Heaven but whatever conflicts women of the house used to have, stayed within them. As far as I know, any problems were resolved same day before gents used to get back home from work and we all used to have mass dinner. ...aaah good old days!

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

Yep it is possible , I have witnessed that too.

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

That's exactly what I was thinking and philo beat me to it. I lived with my grandparents in Pakistan but my grandfather passed away when I was about 7-8 yrs old so don't remember too much about him. Later, when I was 12 we moved to Canada and my grandmother couldnt come with us. I missed her dearly and she will always have a special place in my heart. I can't imagine not living with her or getting to know her. I would never want elderly to be left alone when they need their families the most. That's why I advocate living with grandparents once they are not longer able to live independently. Living with married uncle and aunts is beyond me.

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Re: Being raised in a joint family

As others said…its nice if kids live in such environment in early years only…that too depends on the sort of system the family has…

as kids grow up…its total Bull-sh-it…all the politics n drama and all that stuff…

Its better if people visit each other for longer periods..like going to aunts n uncles for a week or two…rather than living together…

Grandparents are good for kids..

so i can’t make pointless posts now :bummer: