Re: Being friends with your Ex
oh damn… seasoned guppans calling new member mistress…:k:
Re: Being friends with your Ex
Thanks for your time. I will start by being less available and put some ground rules on what can be discussed.
^ This is your mistake. You know this "relationship" with him has no future - so why be "less" available to him. Go cold turkey and be unavailable to him.
Slims, by far had the best advice - when two people continue to have romantic feelings for each other (which you and he clearly do), then no - you cannot be friends with your ex, because you don't see each other from the lens of a friend.
By continuing to speak to him, respond to him and even allowing him to contact you - you choose to be in his life and choose to let him into yours - neither one of you is moving on, which isn't just expected but necessary. If he doesn't have the guts or consideration to do so, then you be the responsible adult. He had his opportunity to say no to marrying his current wife - he didn't stand up for you then, so he's not likely to ever stand up for you later either. Remind us again why he's so special and why you can't get over him?
Time to make some difficult decisions - but this what personal growth is all about. You might not be able to shut down your feelings for him right away, but you could certainly shut down interaction and communication with him.
Good luck.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
People gave you good advice in this particular situation.
Lusi, I didn't call the advice bad, but the way it was worded.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
Nosheen: I actually do have 2 younger sisters. And if one of them ever told me they were doing what you're currently doing.....then I would call them names that're MUCH worse than a mistress.
Maybe I would’ve (in a self-destructive mode) considered his proposal of 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] wife if I knew that he didn’t accept her as a wife, but he did … so, after that, no question of ever being together!
Even though I too am an emotional wreck at times, I know my boundaries and I refrain from messaging him. But his moral compass is not very high. And sometimes he does insist on meeting up for dinner or calling me late at night. I do still love him, but I want to distance myself from him because it kills me to think of him with someone else.
You admit to still loving him. You know that his "moral compass is not very high" and yet you CHOOSE to meet him up for dinner and answer his calls late at night. You wrote that you know he'll never divorce his 1st wife. Knowing that his wife has no idea about you....you would actually marry him if you know that he didn't "accept her as a wife"...meaning what....that he didn't have sexual relations with his own wife?! You want to distance yourself from you b/c of your own feelings....heck what about distancing yourself from his b/c he's MARRIED and is hiding his "friendship" with you from his WIFE?!!! The lack of shame and self-respect in your words are amazing.
You honestly think that other women (especially married ones) are going to think of you as any different than a mistress? Believe me when I say this....mistress actually is a polite term for what you're doing. When you ask for advice....be prepared to get it. As an adult (and I assume you're an adult?), you should realize that not everyone out there is going to baby you and sugar-coat their words just so your sensitive heart isn't scarred.
You can make all the excuses you want. Yes it sucks that you didn't end up as his wife. But that's reality. His parents didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to marry this other woman. He may have loved you but clearly that love wasn't strong enough for him to go against his family. So he marries another woman and leads her to belive he'll be a devoted husband to her. Yet he still tells you he wants you to be his 2nd wife and continues to be in touch with you. And you....using your past and emotions as an excuse....choose to have an emotional affair with him. You clearly don't think you're doing anything wrong.....b/c if you didn't, you wouldn't be to defensive.
Like I said already....you can fool yourself into believing whatever you want and do your best to play the role of victim here. But that doesn't change the situation and it certainly doesn't change what you're doing....which is having an emotional affair with a married man.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
Even if I know where they live, would sending them evidence of him contacting me not contribute to breaking his marriage? Why would you suggest that?
Of course letting his wife know about what's going might break up the marriage. Clearly his moral compass is so low that he's not willing to be faithful to his wife. And so far, you also have not cut off all contact with him even after after finding out that he has feelings for you (and you still love him).
So if you can't muster up the courage/strength to cut off contact with him, and will continue to answer his phone calls/meet up with him in person....then yes, you should let his wife knows what's going on. So that innocent woman can at least decide for herself whether or not she wants to be a part of this.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
You admit to still loving him. You know that his "moral compass is not very high" and yet you CHOOSE to meet him up for dinner and answer his calls late at night.
Where did I say that I meet him up for dinner??? I clearly stated that we only communicate by texting. There is no other form of interaction involved. No late night phone calls. No meetings.
But if I were to cut him off, I KNOW for a fact that he will start harassing me by showing up at my workplace. He is too much of a coward to come to my house and face my family. And no, I wont' call the police and create a scene in front of my boss.
Yes, I do still love him...as in, I care for him and want him to be happy with his WIFE. I am not trying to get him in bed or talk all sweet and mushy with him. I am not that kind of a girl. The way you talk you make it seem like I am a call girl offering up my services and purposely enjoying putting myself between him and his wife. The reality is, I didn't ask for him to come back and look to me for the emotional connection he is missing with his wife, and neither am I encouraging it or hoping it goes on. I am JUST trying to deal with him the best way possible that will work on him instead of giving him a challenge to turn this into a chase and start pursuing me.
I sound defensive because you are constantly insinuating things using foul language and while that may be acceptable in your family, it isn't in mine. So please respectfully refrain.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
You people just come on the forum to trash others, don’t you? If it was your own sister asking for advice, would you have used words like mistress? Muzna and Paheli and everyone else liking their comments? I don’t think so. There is a way to make your point without offending the other person.
I have a younger sister and if she were EVER, EVER to carry on communicating in this manner or even in a manner much less harmful (to herself and to others) than this, she would have to hear a lot, lot worse from me. In fact, I would likely go as far as to intervene and reach out to the guy myself as well as subject her to a family intervention on the matter.
If you truly believe that the people who have bothered to read your long and drawn out posts are doing it simply to engage in trashing you then I'm afraid that it doesn't seem your claim to seek advice is genuine.
If you look at the comments on the first page of posts you will notice that everyone was being very kind and gentle in their approach. Unfortunately that approach didn't seem to work for you; hence the harsher words.
Suit yourself.
Btw.....just as you are so concerned about him being happy with his wife, why is he not as concerned about you? I would think that someone who loves you would want you to be happy even at the expense of his own happiness.
If he is the type that would come and create a scene at your workplace, thereby making life difficult for you, how much does he actually care about you?
Re: Being friends with your Ex
You said changing your phone number is not an option. You already know you’re not going to cut him off b/c you don’t want him to show up at your work and create a scene. You know his personality and you know what you’re going to do already.
So what is the point in of asking advice here? Why look for advice here when you already know what your options are, and what you’re going to do? 
Re: Being friends with your Ex
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I know that it is easier for you as an outsider to think of the situation as single girl-married guy = affair. The truth is, when you are engaged to someone, you love each other, you plan your wedding/kids/future together, then all of a sudden that person is married to someone else…it’s kind of difficult to suddenly start seeing that person as a complete stranger. The two of you haven’t changed.
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I am actually speaking from experience. I wasn't engaged, but in a strong relationship with future planning etc. HE ended it because he couldn't stand up for us. And later in life when we he was engaged to another girl...he came back and started doing more or less what your ex is trying to do. So trust me when I say this - becoming less available is NOT the solution. Why be available at all? This is a situation that requires you to take a strong and bold step. If you really want to let go of him, then you need to cut off completely. You keep bringing up excuses about how you can't...well, if you're really determined to do something, I'm sure you can find ways to do it. As long as you are there in his life, he will keep coming back. You need to be out of his life completely. Also, like someone mentioned above, if he really loved you, he wouldn't be making your life difficult by showing up at your place, he'd be wishing you happiness in your future. Shows what kinda guy he is, and why you shouldn't be wasting your time.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
I believe after 3 pages of responses you have gotten the answer to your question loud and clear, however if you still decide to ignore them because of fear he would harass you and show up at your work then I guess as Slims said you already knew your answer before you opened this thread. If this guy is a psycho and bothers you then report to the authorities and let them handle him or get a restraining order but if thats not the case I guess just cutting all ties will do just fine.
Now as far as you defending yourself and your reasons for staying in touch goes I get the feeling you are not ready to move on yourself and in that case you know what you are doing.
Now this guy (and I am speaking from a guys perspective) sounds to be 2 timing, on one side he has gone ahead and married being a good son who could not standup for you, that shows how much he loved you, on the other side he knows that you are still emotionally vested with him and thus he is taking advantage of that and keeping you around as a back up (no offence - this is a neutral perspective).
You have gotten some very sound advise from some of the more mature and level headed people here at GS and Muzna baji is one of them, so dont take offence to that, I am sure she dint mean to call you names or anything instead she pointing out the situation, read the posts with an open mind.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
[QUOTE]
You people just come on the forum to trash others, don’t you? If it was your own sister asking for advice, would you have used words like mistress? Muzna and Paheli and everyone else liking their comments? I don’t think so. There is a way to make your point without offending the other person.
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yes, If I loved my sister, I would do everything in my power to use even stronger words to knock some sense into her and pull her out of the ditch she was digging her self into.
And I did. It took her YEARS to see the light because negated EVERY statement and thought it was some eternal love that would work itself out. It nearly destroyed her and her marriage. But once she saw the light, she realized what a self destructive path she was on.
I know moving on is not easy. You can't tell your heart what to do but you can use your head.
There is nothing but heartache in this relationship for you.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
yes, If I loved my sister, I would do everything in my power to use even stronger words to knock some sense into her and pull her out of the ditch she was digging her self into.
Well, njgal, I guess if I had to knock some sense into my sister, I wouldn't use such language, unless I knew she was a low character person with bad intentions.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
We had a text conversation and I explained my reasoning to him for wanting to cut off all communication. I blocked his number after that (that means he can't call me anymore but if he texts me, I will still get those...not sure if there is an app that blocks that?)
Here is his wonderful response:
Intehai selfish ho tum intehai selfish.
Aur pshyco bhi,
Aur aik bat mere se kabhi kisi achi cheez ki umeed mat rakhana. Aj k bad dua kerna mera tumhara kabhi takra na ho, buhat bura ho ga tumhare liye.
Go to hell.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
Well, njgal, I guess if I had to knock some sense into my sister, I wouldn't use such language, unless I knew she was a low character person with bad intentions.
"bad intentions" is too vague of a phrase. intentions are good and bad depending on who's point of view you are looking from.
I say you are not being selfish enough. Look out for yourself. It was my sister's willingness to see that "she came first" and only then she was able to cut through his bull****. Someone who isn't true in one aspect of his life can't be true another as well.
From your description about him - he seem highly immature and a bit of an emotional con artist.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
pshyco kekeke
okay seriously, this guy sounds like he's a 17 yr old drama queen. time for an upgrade, nosheen bhai.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
y chhotay chhotay bachay getting married nowadays :(
Re: Being friends with your Ex
Well, njgal, I guess if I had to knock some sense into my sister, I wouldn't use such language, unless I knew she was a low character person with bad intentions.
A person has 4 selves.
The self they see.
The self others see.
The self they believe others see them to be.
And the self they actually are.
I'm not in any way saying that you are of low character - none can pass judgment on you. But your actions as they related to your ex, as they relate to your family (who I believe are most deserving of your consideration) and as they relate to your ex's wife have garnered people's opinions. People clearly disagree with your actions, because as said before - your actions are your choice.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
Here is his wonderful response: Intehai selfish ho tum intehai selfish. Aur pshyco bhi, Aur aik bat mere se kabhi kisi achi cheez ki umeed mat rakhana. Aj k bad dua kerna mera tumhara kabhi takra na ho, buhat bura ho ga tumhare liye. Go to hell.
He's gonna text you again and apologize and create all sorts of drama and emotional blackmail, this won't be the end of it. It's up to you now to keep strong in your conviction and close this chapter of your life, let yourself heal, and move on.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
Salam,
I am new on this forum. I have a dilemma that I would like to get advice on. About two years ago, I was engaged and very much in love with my fiancé. For various issues, his family didn’t approve and called the engagement off. A few months back, they got him married to someone of their choice, but he is not happy and still keeps in contact with me on a daily basis. The breakup was really tough for both of us, as our engagement had lasted about 1.5 years (albeit much of that time was spent trying to sort out issues his family had); we both thought ultimately we would end up together and when both families will see us happy, they'll accept us too. Now that he is married, I wanted to end things on a good note and advised him to “love the one he is with” and let me go. But he says that he can’t live without me. He messages me day and night (our families aren’t aware of this), and proposed the option of second marriage. I said no to that because I don’t want to go down that road. I don’t want to break another girl’s house to make space for myself. But no matter how much I push him away, it doesn’t work on him (he is one of those ziddi types that if you tell him not to do something, he wants to do it that much more).
He says that for awhile he tried making an effort to accept his wife, but when you’re not emotionally connected to someone, it’s really tough being intimate with that person. He insists on being friends and says he just wants to know I’m okay etc. He promises that when I get engaged or married, he will disappear from my life and not bother me anymore (I don’t trust him on this because there are times where he says what’s wrong with being good friends before or after marriage). He says when you have so much history together, you can’t just switch it off in one day. He agrees with me that maybe with time, someday he’ll be happy with his wife, especially once he has kids…but according to him, for the time being he is miserable. He didn’t go anywhere on honeymoon and didn’t do a mehndi function because he didn’t feel like it. I feel like if I keep talking to him, he wouldn’t be able to fully commit to her. Also, if he keeps messaging me, he is forcing me to constantly keep him at the back of my mind and not fully move on to consider someone else (which my family has been unsuccessfully trying to do for some time now). Even though I want to fully cut him out of my life, I find that when I try to do that, even I can’t live happily. I am not really sure what is the solution for all this. I used to be a happy person. Now I feel my heart is full of sadness. I have all this anger toward his family which I sometimes take out on him, and ruin his day as well. (By the way we don’t meet anymore…just keep in touch over the phone)
Another thing is that when we were together and his family started saying rubbish about me and my family based on their own fears and assumptions. He tried his hardest to convince them not to end the relationship. At that time, I was bitter hearing all this negativity and false accusations directed at my family, so in an effort to defend ourselves I said some harsh things about his mom (who is an extremely bossy/controlling/mean person). He really took that to his heart (at the time) and said that maybe his parents are right about my personality. So now that he is married, he is having some problems with his wife who goes to live at her parents for weeks sometimes … this is one of the things his family used to say about me that I will do this after marriage because I’m so attached to my family … so now, he apologizes to me that he was wrong about me to assume that. He also complains about his in-laws who are very proud of their “high class” background and they interfere every time someone says something to their daughter in his house (this too is a point his parents used to think would apply to me, but it’s not true. My parents are not the interfering type, nor is my family as rich/influential).
So whenever something big happens for him, he shares with me. And if I tell him to go to his wife instead, he tells me that if I do get married to someone else, only then will I realize how tough it is to put up with their crap when you don’t love them. So one day I got fed up and said ok fine, if you really can’t live without me, then you’ll have to leave your wife because I can’t be a second wife. I didn’t mean that, I just wanted to see his reaction. He basically got mad and said he will never leave her and that it’s complicated (her family will kill him or his parents will never forgive him etc.). It reminds me of the time when his parents were fixing his rishta last year and he was still being all lovey-dovey with me, so I got frustrated and said ok if you want to marry me against your parents’ wishes then come talk to my parents, present your case and ask for their help, and we can do a court marriage…but he got mad at that time too, saying his mom is a heart patient and if something happens to her, it will be on him and in turn on me etc. and that he can’t start over without his family’s inheritance/blessings.
Other things he says that scare me, he tells me he will befriend my future husband and come to my house/susraal just to be near me. Or sometimes when he misses me, he sends me hug/kiss smileys on the phone that make me uncomfortable, knowing he belongs to someone else now. When I point out that it is wrong, he cleverly dismisses it saying it’s just a smiley, not like we are doing / ever did anything wrong.
Anyway, so I don’t really know how to push him away at this point. He seems to be more and more into me with every passing day (now more so than ever before). Like for instance, we used to fight before and he would say hurtful things sometimes (as would I). But after an hour or so, we will be fine again. But now even when I blame him for not taking action in time, he still says prayers for me and my heart melts that we could’ve been a happy couple. With that said, he is very proud of his wife’s education/family background/social activities, etc. So for all I know, he could be having a perfectly normal life with her and just misleading me so I can’t go anywhere. What should I do?
RUN, FAR FAR AWAY and don't look back.
Re: Being friends with your Ex
We had a text conversation and I explained my reasoning to him for wanting to cut off all communication. I blocked his number after that (that means he can't call me anymore but if he texts me, I will still get those...not sure if there is an app that blocks that?)
Here is his wonderful response: Intehai selfish ho tum intehai selfish. Aur pshyco bhi, Aur aik bat mere se kabhi kisi achi cheez ki umeed mat rakhana. Aj k bad dua kerna mera tumhara kabhi takra na ho, buhat bura ho ga tumhare liye. Go to hell.
As others had suggested, I'd say the best thing you could have done would have been to cut off communication without any explanation. Anyway, I hope you stay steadfast with this decision, it's for the best.
His response sounds like a threat. I'd report it to authorities, just in case. I'd also let your parents know about it.