Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

Lifestyle Relationships
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My mother always goes on on how i’m a lazy ass, how i don’t do anything, and calls me a series of nasty names, hell some of them I don’t even know what it means.

then she went to the point that my older cousins are much better then me, behave better then me, have a better personality then me, and sometimes even look better then me. She has said this, so many times. I recall her telling me this and now i’m just at the peak of my anger point.

it degrades me so badly because those same cousins usually tease me. one of them, i remember last year, was a total ******* and called me ugly, and said if i looked in the mirror i would realize how unattractive i am. this comment still haunts me sometimes, and the way my narrow-minded mom compares me to them is something that PISSES ME OFF THE MOST, as well as causing major sores on my own self-esteem.

:frowning:

i can’t respect my mother the same way i did before anymore. all she does cause misery and even jealousy. i have strong feelings of dislike for my cousins just because of my mom’s comments for me and how she compares us. my dad hardly does this and disapproves of my mom’s comments 99.9 percent of the time.

i neither dislike nor even like my mother. i just don’t know what to think of her anymore.

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

plus my cousins are older then me. by a couple of years.
it sucks.
i would love to have said back, "i want to compare other mothers to you just like you compare other relatives to me' but im not a lowlife like that.

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

Mothers always compare. Well most do. Your older cousins - are more confident this comes with time and finding yourself and who you are.

The fact that one of them was rude to you - I find wrong. As a older cousin/almost like sibling to do that shows serious character flaws.

as for this confusing time with your mother - it will either pass. As you grow older and with time comes greater understanding between both of you.

Or it will continue down a vicious route. At the end of the day and do not take offense at this - if she calls you a lazy ass. YOU are when all is said and done - her lazy ass.

If you want the relationship with your mother to improve i suggest you communicate with her more. Have a heart to heart. If it seems impossible. Baby steps. Kind gestures and making a bit effort could help (around the house).

As for hating your cousins - they sound like they are rotten to you hence the hate. Sometimes this cannot be helped. It may change with time. Keep conversation to a bare minimum. If they cannot treat you with respect then you treat them civally but to the point.

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:hugz:

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

When I mean baby steps. If you want to make it work - make a effort in doing the things she likes (chores every now and then- not suggesting you get on your hands and knees and make that floor gleem until i can see my face!) and slowly show a bit affection.

If she does not reciprocate. Then that is her loss. Shes your mother - and after all she should love you. Women do often compare. To be honest - a mother comparing her daughter to those of others shows that she herself has self esteem issues and that she is pushing it all on you and removing herself out the picture.

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

:hug: have u told ur mum how much it hurts u when she compares u to ur cousins? does she know about the nasty comment ur cousin made?

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

^Would she care? no. Dude, even my dad tells her she needs to tone it down.
My mother is a different person. She won't listen to me.

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

Think you just need break the lack of the bond. Maybe make the first move - and both sign a peace treaty! ;-)

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

Simply tell her - you are not your cousins. You are you. God made you this way, and in his eyes everyone is beautiful. If she has a problem with that - take it up with Allah.

hehe! :)

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

It's a desi mom thing to do. You can't run away from it, honestly. It's going to follow you the rest of your life. What you can do, is make your mom a confidant, and tell what you observe about your cousins. It doesn't have to be a malicious gossip. It can be as simple as "well i asked her about this and this si the reply i got back from her, and as per what you've taught me, this isn't right"

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

when you mean look better than you do you mean dresswise...my lil sister is 18,and she dresses like a tramp...i mean baggy joggers, hair greasy half the time, wrong makeup, and just weirdo looking.and my dadi always says you dont look like ur dads khaandaan
she gets just as insulted at you...but i always tell her its your own fault, atlleast in front of dadi dress like a woman, and not a tramp.....i mean cmon.....not too much to ask to dress ok.

im not saying you dress bad, just my own family thingy, where ALL girls wear salwar kamiz at functions and gatherings, but my sisters there in jeans/joggers.....i

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Feel your pain.

Argue with your mom in a calm manner. Tell her that people don't remain in a constant state and that since you don't live under the same roof as your cousin 24/7.....you don't see every facet of their personality. Tell mom she can't base her judgment on just a few appearances that your cousins make throughout the year.....and that most people behave well in the presence of company.

Tell your mom that her words are not making you change any faster....and rather they are really hurting your feelings. Have you tried that? I once told my mom her words hurt me.....and she was taken aback....and apologized. Sometimes you have to be direct.

Your cousin's comments about your looks is a reflection of her own insecurity. Don't take her seriously. How low must you be feeling to put someone down like that, right? Have you told your mom about your cousin's comments? I think you should. I did that........and although my mom didn't throw a cow over it......her opinions about the person soon changed....became more realistic, lol.

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

with me it was lose weight cos i was slightly chubby, but im fair so i never got the kaali shakal hogi hai wala phrase which my sis gets...lol..shes slim woohoooooo but sanwali......and spends all day in the sun getting darker, without sunblock...and then gets offended when mum mentions she use sunblock.....

i got offended when mum said i needed to lose weight, however now i look back at pics of me, and i was huge compared to me now, and im 6mnhts preg now, i look dreadful, no wonder mum said it......

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

GA,

Try looking at things from your mom's point-of-view as well (not talking about the insults here). She loves you...and maybe unknowingly (not deliberately) you may be causing her stress. For example, make the effort to help her out with chores. When she's in a calm mood...........ask her HOW to do/make something (since she says you don't know how to do anything). Ask her calmly to show you. Better yet....................take the initiative..............and then ask her advice. For example.....take the initiative too cook something.....and ask her for for help. That makes you look proactive. If she often has to ask you do something......she may feel frustrated because to her that could mean that you're not interested in doing certain chores/things on your own.

May not be able to change your mom, but try to meet her half way.

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That’s just how Pakistani moms are. And you’re only 14, you’re going to have to tolerate more. But try telling your mom that so and so cousin of yours isn’t really all that, that you’re not as bad as she thinks you are.

^Tell your mom. Mothers probably get hurt when others insult their kids. They can insult their own kids, but if someone else does it, that’s a big no-no. I’ve seen aunties tell others that they’re kids are getting fat, and the mothers say something smart back or you can see the uncomfortable disapproving look on their face.

And the next time your cousin says crap like that, tell her, “Thanks! I didn’t know I was so unattractive. But I guess we actually have something in common… if you hear yourself, you’ll realize how unattractive your personality is, haha (then walk away)” … stupid people these days :rolleyes:

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Even though thats a great comeback, I honestly think my mother is the most insensitive thing on this planet.

My mother makes fun of me in front of ANYONE who she’s gossiping. About how i’m lanky, how i’m stupid, etc. She made fun of me from childhood to teenhood and I can’t never forget it. So when someone else teases me, wtf would my mother do? Agree with them? Most obviously.

I’m sorry if I sound really rude, but I’m just so pissed off right now. Hurt too. One of my game systems is broken and my mom is glad it is and won’t pay me any money to get a new one. On top, she insults me every.single.effing.day. I’m sick of this all, man. I just want to kill myself.

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

I swear i just have a migraine for thinking all of this. i just want to go to sleep for the whole day, fml in general.

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

Also she can give graduation money to my cousins but not bs for my graduation in fifth grade.

she never gave me a present during my birthdays. nor even a birthday wish. so i guess i am less then my cousins now. thats how she treats them.

i feel like crap. i'm going to sleep now. i wish i had a different mother.

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Re: Being compared with a cousin? Right or wrong?

GA, again.......tell mommy the "compliment" that her beloved niece gave you.

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I'm sure A LOT of us have been through that. I hear moms talking bad or making fun of their own kids. They'll make fun/insult of their own kids' clothes, urdu, cooking, chores, etc. But that's the thing. Pakistani mothers think it's ok for them to insult their own kids, but when someone else does it, they don't like it as much. Even IF they support it... EVENTUALLY... trust me... they realize their mistake or change. Especially when that daughter is older, going onto college, getting married. Mothers become more protective then, more so because of reputation... they won't talk bad about their daughters and won't stand it if someone else talks bad about them either.

You're just at a tough age, have patience. If other aunties are taking advantage of what you're mom is saying about you and insulting you, you need to tell your mom (and dad) that she's exposing her weakness and letting others take advantage of it. Either your cousin is a retard or she knows that your mother talks bad about you that she took advantage of it and insulted you. You can bring that up with your mom and dad.