Being a housewife/marrying a housewife - opinions?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

I recently got married and was talking to my wife about this exact topic. She worked as a teacher and I told her it’s up to you if you want to continue working or not, I wouldn’t have any problems. But then I realized that she used to be in a lot of stress not because of the work but the atmosphere then, in that case, I told her to stop and just relax. But one thing she told me too, which I think everyone should think about. Which is that what is our priority, is it to have good children or anything else. I think if we think about the priorities then it comes clear because if my wife uses her education and makes our children a better person in the long run that would have a higher pay of. But don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t force her to do anything if she wants to work then that is ok because I know her priority is family.

Also, my mother did the same thing if she wanted to work she worked but when she thought she had given more time home she did that. Because her priority was family too and sometimes I think depending on the situation both partners have to work. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t want to work and take trips around the world but we have to do what we have to do..

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22

In the latest stats in Canada a majority of Pakistani Ladies don’t work so perhaps you are not unique in your desire to not work. Close to 50 percent marriages don’t work out and end up in divorce and for that reason financial independence is advisable, dependence creates an undesirable power dynamics. Salma Hayek married a French Billionaire hoping to not have to work again but he asked her to go to work. I would very strongly recommend to all females to be financially independent.

23

Cause two incomes means more money!

24

I don’t believe women should work once they have kids. I do not believe in allowing baby sitters or maids to take care of your kids. Mothers must be there for her kids when they need her and provide them early education and training. Spend as much time with them as possible until they’re school going age. However the women can get back to work / business once the kids are mature enough like 16 and above. I think, from birth till 15/16 years of ages, kids require their mothers full time.

And I have no respect for men who expect their wives to work after marriage because that just means they do not believe that kids will need their mother & they do not care about better up bringing of their children.

Yes, if a couple does not have kids and especially if they have a combined business or where the wife helps around in business then no problems with that.

25

Who would not want a housewife?!!!?!?!?!

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26

Agree entirely with your post (unless circumstances do not allow the mother to stay home - providing your children with food and shelter is the top priority, and huge respect for mothers who go to work for this reason and not just for extra pocket money).

I would also say that some, if not all, children need their mothers fully present until they’re married or have left home. Children are being exposed to more adult concepts nowadays and once they reach 16 getting involved in such activities becomes more easily attainable because they’re not that young anymore. I know plenty of girls who come from Islamically practicing, somewhat conservative families, and once their mothers went back to work when they were older teenagers, they knew they were able to get away with a lot more - going out with God knows who, wearing lots of makeup and outfits contradictory to hijab, etc, because their mothers weren’t there to give them permission or see what they were wearing before they left the house. Although their mothers only worked part-time, it was enough for them to taste that kind of freedom. (The same goes for boys and getting involved in the wrong crowd - drugs, girls, crime, etc, although I find that boys who want to do these things will do them anyway because they’re generally given more freedom.)

27

I just see some weak women who have suddenly discovered benefits of staying home for ?kids?. As that?s so important!!
But do remember, if you are not financially independent, 10-15 years down the road, you will be at his mercy. And while for most desi men, divorce is uncommon, it does remain a real possibility.
And no, just bcoz you can?t work, doesn?t mean your kid will not get into wrong crowd, like girls or drugs. Parenting is over rated.

28

Or you can marry a nice person who recognises that the work you do at home for the family is just as important?
And I agree that if a child wants to get into the wrong crowd they’ll find a way, just like not all unsupervised kids have the desire to do bad things - my points were based on situations I’ve personally witnessed, and were not meant to be a generalisation. However, I don’t want to ever feel like I could have done more to prevent my child from going down the wrong path. I don’t want to ever feel like I’ve prioritised being able to afford a nicer car or more lavish spending sprees over my child’s welfare. Children won’t raise themselves.

Could you also elaborate on the “weak women” part of your post?

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29

Depends on circumstances(out of our hands) and preferences. People have right to have preferences but they must declare them before marriage. It also depends on the mindset. I’m seeing women taking divorces instead of giving up on working. They will make 10 sacrifices for their boss but not for their husband. When I was getting married, I only looked for someone who was educated enough to get a job, as a backup for some eventuality, yet still wants to be a housewife. I knew I will hop jobs requiring frequent relocation and if my wife also worked, it will make it far more difficult to relocate. Also I wanted someone who was a good cook and to my surprise most women who demanded to work after marriage also had negative attitude toward cooking.

Overtime I have realized, it would?ve been extremely difficult to raise young children if both of us worked. Nowadays even the jobs that pay little have become super demanding unless you are insanely efficient. The era of 9-5 jobs and free weekends is ending for most.

I was part of a rishta talk of a friend sometime back, about which I also posted here. The mother of the girl kept saying one thing about the girl and the girl kept contradicting it. Her mom said her daughter is not like other girls who won?t give breakfast to her husband or pack lunch and the daughter contradicted it, then her mom said how her daughter helps her in the kitchen and the daughter contradicted it. Everyone wanted the rishta talks to succeed but it didn?t. I think the girl saw her mother as some sort of a victim for being a housewife and wanted to lead a life as different as possible.

Also the media and haters these days fuel such feelings of victim hood. I have a Muslim lady at work and some haters tease her on how her husband would mistreat her and she tries to counter them by actually bossing her husband around and bragging about it. Which doesn?t stop the haters. I overheard this guy insinuating that her husband may have become impotent due to her bossing him around and that?s why she has only one child. I would have helped but she sees these haters as her friends.

30

I actually have a lot of thoughts on this topic but cba as they extend far and wide around this issue.

For our parents/grandparents the circumstances were incredibly different, so I don’t think there is much use in referring much to that generation. For one, women were typically looking after families (i.e. inlaws) rather than the primary reason for being at home so as to raise kids. I think this is why we now use the phrase “stay at home mum” as opposed to housewife because for a lot of women in this generation, the choice not to work after children is about parenting.

Unless you are having children immediately, there isn’t much to do at home. So unless you fill your time with some worthwhile pursuits, it does seem a waste.

For me, it’s very problematic that a society has been created where both parents have to work to be comfortable and we have “middle class poverty”. A lot of women are working to have that second income in savings if anything unexpected happens, if not to keep the household running.

Whatever you do, there will be pros and cons. I firmly believe that young children need their mothers. I can see all the benefits in doing this myself, even in something simple like being able to keep my son at home when he’s a bit poorly because I don’t need to worry that I can’t take the time off work or struggle with finding someone to take care of him. The flip side is because I am at home all the time and my husband is the other extreme of working very long hours, my son is seeing mummy as the cook, cleaner etc. So as much as I try to raise him to do things for himself, at the end of the day, what he is seeing is mummy taking care of the house and everyone in it. This will surely have an impact on the way he thinks later in life.

This was from a recent article on Steve Biddulph’s recent book:
“Boys can be 20 months behind girls
Exposure to testosterone in the womb and during the first year after birth slows boys’ brain development so much that they are far more vulnerable than girls to stress, a recent research review found. “Boys are so far behind in their brain development that the frontal cortex, caudate and temporal lobes - the thoughtful and analytical parts of the brain - are faster growing in girls by as much as 20 months, and at ages 7 to 12 boys lag by as much as two years in social sensitivity,” Biddulph says. “We have to work on boys’ abilities to think through their actions, understand their feelings and those of others, and be calmed by loving affection when they are upset. We have to not blame or shame them for not being on the same trajectory as girls.”
Group childcare can damage boys
Biddulph has always stuck his neck out on this. Now, he points to new research by neuropsychologist Dr Allan Schore, showing increased vulnerability of boys’ brains in their first year. “The research indicates that probably no boys under the age of one should be in group care,” he says. “It is still less desirable in their second year, and still second-rate to what we can provide in their third. Girls are somewhat more resilient, but that too depends on the girl.” By the age of three, part-time group care can be a plus. “As an author I have a choice: to make everyone feel good, or to tell the truth. Attachment really matters and you can’t pay someone to provide love. It has a cost down the track.””

31

Some of the posters have mentioned the reason for not working was the job was too hard. And I have seen this in my field. A year into the residency and many quit to stay at home. They suddenly discover the importance of being a mother to their kids. That?s the mind playing trick rather than anything else.
I was once sold to the idea that a stay at home mom raises better kids. But I have found kids learn more from how they see their parents acting than giving them bed time talks. Yes early on, a man may find it easier for his wife to be at home but as the kids are in teens, role of typical house wife is very much minuscule. Not only do I have to put extra effort to have enough money to put them through a good college (could go to half a million dollar) plus save for your own retirement, man has to step up as the main parent as well. She can?t help them in dealing with their peers, the teachers, the college crowd, the applications, career choices, relationships etc. a housewife loses these skills.

32

I actually find this offensive and really dismissive of all the hard work housewives do. Maybe in Pakistan where families can hire people to cook and clean for them this may be true, but over here, we do everything ourselves. For my mum, who only has one child, nothing has changed for her since I was little except for the fact that she doesn’t have to physically run after an over-active toddler or clean up any spills or bathe me etc. These duties obviously change as the child gets older, but the mother’s duties never simply cease. For example, she may not have to feed me anymore, but she will have to teach me how to cook. Being a housewife isn’t just about entertaining guests and going to functions.

Also, why can’t the mother help the child out with higher education stuff? This is all situational and depends from family to family. For example, my husband-to-be never even went to university, but I did, so it’ll be me who’s equipped with that experience for my child. Nonetheless, my husband has a brain and will have had general life experience, so there’s no reason why he can’t help out, either. Same goes to all those mothers who never went to college/uni. Most of us in the UK went to university because we were able to through student loans, so it’s not like housewives of our generation are clueless about the university process. Even so, my mum was born and raised in this country while my dad is from Pakistan, and even though my mum didn’t continue on to college or university because of marriage, she is still the one making all of the phone calls, going to pay all the bills, being the main speaker at any appointments, etc, and ultimately the one who helped me throughout my education, alongside my father. Both had equally important roles to play throughout my childhood, teens, and now adulthood. I don’t like your generalisations.

Also, re quitting because the job was “too hard” - did you just assume that the women in your field quit for that reason? This is the problem working mothers face - at home they’re expected to act like they don’t work, and at work they’re expected to act like they don’t have children. How unfortunate.

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33

Choose what makes you happy. Some women work not just for financial independence, but also for a life outside of the home.

A working woman is expected to look after the house/kids as if she doesn’t work; and to work as if she doesn’t have a home/kids to look after. Either way people will judge.

34

Lol
I see a few panties in twist.
College applications is not about filling forms you dimwits. , It?s a lot more than that. They have find which combination of subjects, which colleges, wprovides the best opportunity. Which colleges have relevant industry links in areas one plans to work in future. And No, you housewives don?t know how the corporate world works.
Real value of a housewife is in motherhood, otherwise changing diapers, bed sheets, or doing dishes is not much of a skill. Try selling it that on job market and see if that can get you a roof over your head or a decent health insurance.

35

Many women here do very well financially so why can’t lower grade males be housewives and serve them breakfast. Your mindset is classified as misogynist, no one is allowed to compel anyone. A woman can decide to work or not to, do housework or not to do housework. She can decide to not work and not do any housework. I know you are not handicapped so why can’t you make your own food? My boys are incredibly good-looking athletes, they IA will be financially successful and won’t accept women to cook and clean for them.

My wife chose to mostly not work and was not keen on housework and I have no problem with that and should not. There are scores of women in my neighborhood who don’t work or cook. A big number of western men cook.

36

My kids don’t want us involved in their education choices, they do their own stuff. Why would a parent be involved in filling out applications anyways? Young adults can fill out their own.

37

Career is not just to support your household but also to have financial independence so that you are not trapped in a bad marriage.

38

You can eulogize house work or whatever. But your stand will depend upon the accomplishments of your spouse, and not how well you change diapers, do dishes or spread your legs.
Its the working men and women that run the world and not weaklings who seek refuge at home.

39

I will give my 2 cents as daughter of a working mom since that hasn’t been brought up yet. Now that I am older, I appreciate my mom a lot and actually am amazed at her ability to work 6 days a week, spend all day on her day off doing house chores and cooking 2 fresh meals every single day. Because of her, I had nice clothes and healthy food, and a moderately safe neighborhood to grow up in since she paid for half the money on the house.

Having said all that, anytime there was a special event at school, my parents were never there so it got a bit lonely at times. Also, none of my siblings and I had a close emotional bond with our mother, any time we needed advice or wanted to talk to someone, the first person we went to was our nani ami since she raised us from birth until we were old enough to go to school. When she, my nani ami passed away it was pretty brutal for us siblings, but worse for my mom considering she was the only daughter so only after that did we start to realize that our mom needs us and became closer to her.

So take the above anyway you’d like.

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40

This proves to be the exact opposite of the rant by Iconoclast. Stay-at-home mothers are much more proactive in this regard, as they can at least be there for their children’s school events, open houses, PTO’s and other parent teacher conferences. Working women will at one point (if not on a daily basis) regret missing out on the first very crucial years, memories and milestones of their children’s lives. Lots of love for your mom who I’m sure must’ve felt inadequate and self dubious amidst all the hard work. I know I do.

It just isn’t easy being a mother living among a crappy society consisting of whippersnappers like Iconoclast. After reading some of the comments here, I truly feel sorry for all the women out there. Housewives or not there is always something to lose.

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