Baseless concerns in potential hookups

[Chandler.Bing]

There is this guy and this girl. They recently started to talk to each other with an eye on their parents plan to hook them up together. So they realize that they might end up spending their lives together so they discuss themselves with each other, related issues and etc.

Guy is kind of easy going, mellow and chill person. He has had a semi-liberal up bringing thus he has strong long lasting and pure friendships with males and females alike. He holds them in a very high value. He does not have a HUGE circle of friends anyways. On the other hand, girl comes from a semi-conservative background. She is educated, pretty and somewhat understanding.

Few days ago, they were talking as usual and somehow girl commented that she will see to it that guy’s female friends’ presence in their lives is minimal and might have objections on meetings and phones’ At first the guy though girl is kidding so he responded in a light tone but it turned out that she wasnt joking. So he tried to clear that both guy and his friends know their limits and have always respected them. Thus she should not have such concerns. He fears that his attempt fell on deaf ears.

Now the guy is in a dilemma. He likes the other person but he was kinda disappointed upon hearing such comments. He never has tried to impose anything on her thus far and maintained a pretty easy stance. Friendships with females is not an issue. Relationships are bound to change with time with different requirements and some fade away. Main concern is this initial lack of trust and understanding and the sense of possessiveness in her tone. Nowadays guy is seriuosly considering his options.

What would you do in such situations? Will you get out before its too late because such issues have the potential to cause absolute destruction in relationships? Or should he wait for her to know him a bit more and realize that she shouldnt worry about such things?

p.s Mind you the guy considered the possibility that the girl herself wants out but lacks guts to say it so making a big deal out of nothing. But unfortunately thats not true. It is for a fact that girl wants to see this relationship go forward.

[skhan]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

One is a liberal, the other conservative. Bad combo.

[Sara516]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

I don't think not liking ur husband to be spending alot of time with girls is necessarily lack of trust and would lead to abuse.. but he should trust his instinct and get away. if she wants ot c the relationship move forward, maybe she should compromise?

[musicmaniac]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

I think the guy should get out of it before he waste his more time. They have different basic thinking which could create extreme arguments in the future.

[danial]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

@musicmaniac

I think the guy should get out of it before he waste his more time. They have different basic thinking which could create extreme arguments in the future.

agree. even if she compromises now, she will throw this in his face every chance she gets, and who knows being so conserv. she might have many other issue's that they didnt even think of discussing yet.

[faizy]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

yar, if i THINK i am rite in who these two are.. then i'm surprized what this girl and the guy are doing.. i mean there WAS no future.. there IS no future.. should have seen it the way other people did..

and if these two are not who i think they are, then its just crazy-faizy talking...

[saimanyc]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

@skhan

One is a liberal, the other conservative. Bad combo.

It’s not a bad combo, one compliments the other. Well there’s conservative as in old fashioned and then there’s…backwards. Actually the description in the thread is pretty much my husband and myself. He also had a few female friends except I never imposed any rules on him. I became friends with a couple of the girls but others have naturally faded to the background after our marriage and after they themselves have moved on with their lives. This girl in Chandler’s thread is showing her lack of trust or even her own insecurity when she has to TELL her husband what to do. There are more sublte ways of getting her message accross so that he naturally realizes that he can create a happy marriage by making a few simple sacrifices.

I know that my husband had so many girls who befriended him and trusted him because he was a good guy. He didn’t hit on them like other guys did. He never had sisters but he had a very buddy sort of relationship with his mother. He is the comedien of the family and teases his mother to no end. So he’s this way, with all girls. It’s kind of funny now that we have two daughters. He’s like their best friend too. And it’s a good thing that I’m a bit more conservative. Because when he’s joking around and letting them throw pillow fights at 10pm, I have to pick up the peices and impose the rules. We’d have a pretty chaotic home if both of us were so loose and easy. So I think it’s important for a woman to be a bit more conservative and occasionally give her husband a little discipline when required.

[yourfriend]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

what would you do in that situations? if i would be at her place, then i won't get out of this relationships and will start making out this "pure kinda friendship" with opposite gender like he has with other females right now and would keep it up upto the extent to the extent he will carry out with his female friends after the marriage. if its the matter of trust and understanding then it should be balanced equally between the two

[nia_khan]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

I would not mind if my husband talks to other female at all..

If he talks to them at freakin 2 am in the morning you can bet your life on this - i do have a problem with it.

If he is talking to this friend constantly and sharing what is between me and him.. i got a problem with it.

After shadi contacts with opposite gender should be minimal :)- thats how i see it... otherwise t hings do go out of hand.. even though if you try to control them...

[Impulse]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

their thinking is different so maybe its best if they dont end up together.

[Naughty_by_Nature]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

Agree with most of the posts...if shes being like this at such an early stage then god knows what she'll be like later...
If hes flexible he deserves someone to complement him...hes lucky to have seen this sooner rather than later so he should just dump her and move on...

[aahmed]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

@saimanyc

It’s kind of funny now that we have two daughters. He’s like their best friend too.

sigh… that sounds just perfect. If I had me some daughters, they would be spoiled ROTTEN I tell you. They would ride around on their pony all day wearing their tiara and tutu. Thank heaven for little girls!

[Nasima]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

Assalamu Alaykum.

I can understand the girls concern. She might be a bit insecure that perhaps the guys female friends may lure him away from her in some way. I think most women tend to feel this way. I don't know if anyone has noticed but this also shows how much one person loves another. From the way she was raised (semi conservative), she probably has this idea that all female and male friendship require intimacy in an innapropriate level.

[SolarOceans]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

Funny. If this was the girl having male friends and the guy saying he wouldn't want her to have them after marriage, i think most ppl wouldn't have a problem with that. On the contrary, it would most likely be argued that if she is married, what does she need male friends for, she has her husband and she should be paying attention to solely him.

Weird how that works. . .

[Naughty_by_Nature]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

SolarOceans

---

If that is the case then that isnt correct...there shouldnt be a double standard...iv got a lot of female friends...and any girlfriend i have has to learn to adjust to that...im not giving up friends for anybody...and i would never expect her to do that either...

And as for your thing about when you get married you dont need female friends...females just like males are friends...marriage shouldnt change that...

[Chandler.Bing]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

@faizy

yar, if i THINK i am rite in who these two are.. then i'm surprized what this girl and the guy are doing.. i mean there WAS no future.. there IS no future.. should have seen it the way other people did..

and if these two are not who i think they are, then its just crazy-faizy talking...

Its just crazy-faizy talking... :)

@musicmaniac

I think the guy should get out of it before he waste his more time. They have different basic thinking which could create extreme arguments in the future.

@danial shah

agree. even if she compromises now, she will throw this in his face every chance she gets, and who knows being so conserv. she might have many other issue's that they didnt even think of discussing yet.

This is what worries this guy. Therea are lots of related issues that can come to mind.

@saimanyc

It's not a bad combo, one compliments the other. Well there's conservative as in old fashioned and then there's...backwards. Actually the description in the thread is pretty much my husband and myself. He also had a few female friends except I never imposed any rules on him. I became friends with a couple of the girls but others have naturally faded to the background after our marriage and after they themselves have moved on with their lives. This girl in Chandler's thread is showing her lack of trust or even her own insecurity when she has to TELL her husband what to do. There are more sublte ways of getting her message accross so that he naturally realizes that he can create a happy marriage by making a few simple sacrifices.

I dont think either its a bad combo but your point later that she is showing her lack of trust or insecurity is a worrying point. The guy is mature enough to realize that there are changes and sacrifices to be made if and when he gets married.

@saimanyc

I know that my husband had so many girls who befriended him and trusted him because he was a good guy. He didn't hit on them like other guys did. He never had sisters but he had a very buddy sort of relationship with his mother. He is the comedien of the family and teases his mother to no end. So he's this way, with all girls. It's kind of funny now that we have two daughters. He's like their best friend too. And it's a good thing that I'm a bit more conservative. Because when he's joking around and letting them throw pillow fights at 10pm, I have to pick up the peices and impose the rules. We'd have a pretty chaotic home if both of us were so loose and easy. So I think it's important for a woman to be a bit more conservative and occasionally give her husband a little discipline when required.

This is precisely the matter with the guy. He is somehow easily approachable to the ladies and this is why he shares a buddy relationships with some of them. He is quite similar to your husband. But I dont think you impose the rules by just being conservative. Its OK to be a disciplinarian, neat etc but it doesnt qualify him/her to be conservative.

[Chandler.Bing]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

@yourfriend

what would you do in that situations? if i would be at her place, then i won't get out of this relationships and will start making out this "pure kinda friendship" with opposite gender like he has with other females right now and would keep it up upto the extent to the extent he will carry out with his female friends after the marriage. if its the matter of trust and understanding then it should be balanced equally between the two

You are mistaken if you assume that guy wont be okay with her male friends if they exist. And I personally agree with you that it should be balanced equally between the two.

@nia_khan

I would not mind if my husband talks to other female at all..

If he talks to them at freakin 2 am in the morning you can bet your life on this - i do have a problem with it.

If he is talking to this friend constantly and sharing what is between me and him.. i got a problem with it.

After shadi contacts with opposite gender should be minimal :)- thats how i see it... otherwise t hings do go out of hand.. even though if you try to control them...

Wifey takes the priority and there isnt anything wrong with it. However, I dont necessarily agree with the 'minimal' bit. If both are accepting enough, then both can befriend their spouses's friends. If its in limits, its fine.

@Naughty by Nature

hes lucky to have seen this sooner rather than later so he should just dump her and move on...

Its not that easy mate. Things are at a VERY advanced stage. It would take some effort from the guy to get out of this if he wishes to. His family will literally tear him apart if he backs out of it.

@Nasima

Assalamu Alaykum.

I can understand the girls concern. She might be a bit insecure that perhaps the guys female friends may lure him away from her in some way. I think most women tend to feel this way. I don't know if anyone has noticed but this also shows how much one person loves another. From the way she was raised (semi conservative), she probably has this idea that all female and male friendship require intimacy in an innapropriate level.

Guy is understanding too. Maybe the girl is not that stubborn in her views. But what if she is? And thus far love is out of question because they have just met and maybe they have certain feelings knowing they have a chance with each other but saying its love is kinda premature.
By the way its not guy's fault if she was raised this way. Or is it?

[SolarOceans]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

[quote=Naughty by Nature]
SolarOceans

If that is the case then that isnt correct...there shouldnt be a double standard...iv got a lot of female friends...and any girlfriend i have has to learn to adjust to that...im not giving up friends for anybody...and i would never expect her to do that either...

And as for your thing about when you get married you dont need female friends...females just like males are friends...marriage shouldnt change that.../quote]

i wasn't stating my opinion on it. I was just stating what i've seen ppl say on gs about how girls should have no problem limiting their friendships b/c they are married.

In any case, anytime you force your significant other to do something, it's not a good thing.

[Impulse]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

@SolarOceans

Funny. If this was the girl having male friends and the guy saying he wouldn't want her to have them after marriage, i think most ppl wouldn't have a problem with that. On the contrary, it would most likely be argued that if she is married, what does she need male friends for, she has her husband and she should be paying attention to solely him.

Weird how that works. . .

exactly...I agree with you.

why is everyone against the girl? in my opinion its the guys fault....if he truly loved her....he would respect her wishes/concerns.
my guy doesnt have any female friends and neither do I have any male friends...and things are perfect between us. its when other girls/guys come into it that things start messing up.

me and him are best friends....whats the need for both of us to have friends of the opposite gender?....Ive never felt the need and neither does he. we are happy with having friends of the same gender as ourselves....we can relate to and have alot more in common with these friends.....however their friendships come after the friendship me and him share :)

[Puchi_Kuchi]

Re: Baseless concerns in potential hookups

Having female 'friends' after marriage? Hmm i don't know how that works actually. Same with having male friends for a wife.

How would you like it if she was chatting away to a guy on the phone whilst married to you? But then again you don't mind having female 'friends', so you seem like a pretty open kind of guy.

I think it's an issue which will come up again and again unless you cut off contact with the women and that might lead you to resent your future wife.

I would feel the same as that girl in that situation. If my future husband had a few close female friends I wouldn't like him speaking to them, it isn't a halal relationship nor would I have male friends after marriage. She isn't backward and oh yeah, why should she compromise her limits for someone? I wouldn't. If the guy who was a potential insisted that he keep female friends after marriage then i'd think deeply coz somewhere along the lines things are gonna blow because I will not tolerate it.

It has nothing to do with jelousy or insecurities, it just shows that the guy is way more open and liberal, and the girl holds more traditional and islamic values.